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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask school to replace shoes

321 replies

NCshoess · 31/01/2023 17:25

4 year old ds is in reception, he got shoes for Christmas that he loves and has been wearing them every day. they are light up superhero shoes which is allowed, many kids have them.

Friday he comes home crying in his gym shoes saying he was kicking his feet to make the shoes flash so the teacher took them away. I was going to ask about it yesterday but my sister picked him up.

Today I asked his teacher she said she took them away, but then looking in the classroom she can't find them. I asked where they were and she said they might turn up.

am I being unreasonable to ask them to replace his shoes if they can't find them...these were shoes he was asking for for ages, was so happy when he got them for Christmas and has been crying about having them taken away. I can't afford to buy him new ones atm...I understand taking them away for the day but not to give them back and then lose them is too far.

OP posts:
Catsandzcocktails · 31/01/2023 20:20

I would be expecting the teacher to replace them out of their own money as well as at very minimum a stern talk with head. Arrange a meeting ASAP with head, don't be fobbed off.

ortonym · 31/01/2023 20:20

mumoffourminimes · 31/01/2023 20:13

YABU for sending him to school with flashing schools. Of course they are distracting and very annoying for the poor teacher trying hold the attention of 30 4year olds all day. Do you expect him to learn there?

I suspect the HT will be banning them forthwith.

She should have put them somewhere safe though, sorry they are missing. Little kids stuff gets lost quite often. Send him in something less precious next time.

Are they even the type you can switch off?

Give over. I sent my kids to school in flashing shoes over 20 years ago. Never once did the teacher complain about them being distracting (if they had, the shoes would have been changed).

And NEVER should this teacher presume it's ok to confiscate ANYTHING without making sure the item was secure.

EllieM27 · 31/01/2023 20:21

At the risk of stating the obvious, I suspect that they are “lost” rather than lost. If the teacher is tired of the disruption then she may have impulsively said that they were lost rather than give them back so soon. Having taught young children I can attest to how frustrating it is to have one child derailing the entire class because they won’t stop kicking and stomping to light their shoes up (or any number of other silly behaviours). I never “misplaced” a confiscated item but I know teachers that did! With the light up shoes in particular they are usually kicking the furniture to get them to flash, which is obviously loud.

OP, I would try saying or sending a message to the effect of “I’m sorry that X has been disruptive to the class with his super hero shoes. He just got them at Christmas and has been very excited about them. Please send the shoes with him and we will only allow him to wear them at home for the foreseeable, until the novelty has worn off.”

See if that helps the “lost” shoes reappear.

Prescottdanni123 · 31/01/2023 20:24

@EllieM27

If the shoes aren't against the uniform policy, they shouldn't be withheld from OP or held to ransom, only given back to the parent once she has apologised and promised that her son will never wear them to school again. The teacher is in the wrong here and OP should not have to apologise.

Times are hard at the minute. What if OP can't afford to buy another pair of school shoes?

Verbena17 · 31/01/2023 20:24

Benjispruce4 · 31/01/2023 19:35

So many ‘school shoes’ have lights in them- Clarke’s for a start. Hard to avoid sometimes. Parents don’t adhere to rules anymore. We have a water only policy but parents send squash in. We have a fruit only snack policy but parents send peperami in!🤔

Ever thought that some children might have ARFID?
And might not drink water and therefore squash is the next best option.p and might not eat fruit but they will eat a salami stick.

So many pedantic rules in schools. There’s so much micromanaging of how parents do things - and pretty much all the rules are either to make teachers lives easier -often with disregard for the child and their personal needs (hence why so many children with SEND are overlooked and not assessed….or simply because staff/HT doesn’t understand children.

Im not moaning about all teachers obviously- just that the school allow lights in shoes so the parent did nothing wrong!

Verbena17 · 31/01/2023 20:25

Prescottdanni123 · 31/01/2023 20:24

@EllieM27

If the shoes aren't against the uniform policy, they shouldn't be withheld from OP or held to ransom, only given back to the parent once she has apologised and promised that her son will never wear them to school again. The teacher is in the wrong here and OP should not have to apologise.

Times are hard at the minute. What if OP can't afford to buy another pair of school shoes?

Exactly this!

Original poster
NCshoess · 31/01/2023 20:25

WombatChocolate · 31/01/2023 19:24

It’s best not to be aggressive or critical too soon.

It will be best to ask for the shoes to be returned. Initially don’t focus on teacher having lost them or cost of them, simply reiterate that the teacher took the shoes (which you’re fine with if he was messing about) and now you’d like them back.

The wording used by the teacher of ‘they might turn up’ wasn’t helpful. Quite often when this kind of thing happens, it’s best not to get hung up on it or make a big thing about it immediately. Simply calmly state you’d like his shoes back that school took away. A few pages back I wrote a possible wording for an email. It’s not aggressive, it doesn’t blame; it simply asks for the shoes to be returned and for confirmation they will be. If the teacher isn’t able to do that, she will then need to think about what what she will say to you or do. An email shows you are serious about it. The teacher has a chance to find the shoes and get them back to you. If that happens, everyone can just move on and no-one is accused of doing anything wrong, and the rest of the year can proceed with everyone on good terms. If the teacher can’t find the shoes, she will have to think about how to reply, explain it and next steps. If you’re not satisfied, you can escalate it and repeat the same message to the Head by email.

Honestly, things are more likely to be resolved smoothly via this approach than accusing the school of losing his shoes or demanding money.

I would email, rather than asking again, when the teacher is busy and doing other stuff. An email gives her a chance to see you’re serious about having them back, and gives her time to look for them before either replying or speaking to you.

thanks this is a good approach

OP posts:
Anothernameanother · 31/01/2023 20:28

Catsandzcocktails · 31/01/2023 20:20

I would be expecting the teacher to replace them out of their own money as well as at very minimum a stern talk with head. Arrange a meeting ASAP with head, don't be fobbed off.

This, among with many other people's similar posts, is why noone wants to be a headteacher.

A headteacher's role is strategic lead of the school. A headteacher will be performing thousands of vital tasks every single day. Some of them will be urgent.

It is not a headteacher's job to resolve every dispute or issue, or to micromanage people. They should not drop everything to have a conversation about shoes.

Girlgift97 · 31/01/2023 20:29

EllieM27 · 31/01/2023 20:21

At the risk of stating the obvious, I suspect that they are “lost” rather than lost. If the teacher is tired of the disruption then she may have impulsively said that they were lost rather than give them back so soon. Having taught young children I can attest to how frustrating it is to have one child derailing the entire class because they won’t stop kicking and stomping to light their shoes up (or any number of other silly behaviours). I never “misplaced” a confiscated item but I know teachers that did! With the light up shoes in particular they are usually kicking the furniture to get them to flash, which is obviously loud.

OP, I would try saying or sending a message to the effect of “I’m sorry that X has been disruptive to the class with his super hero shoes. He just got them at Christmas and has been very excited about them. Please send the shoes with him and we will only allow him to wear them at home for the foreseeable, until the novelty has worn off.”

See if that helps the “lost” shoes reappear.

How outrageous! You expect OP to say all that to receive back her property! No way would I pander to someone like that.

Anothernameanother · 31/01/2023 20:29

Oh op, I'm glad you agree with that post above. I hope it's all sorted out for you 🙂

Johnnysgirl · 31/01/2023 20:32

Don't send your child into school in shoes that can be used as playthings.
No kid should be getting distracted by their shoes.

FrostyNethers · 31/01/2023 20:35

EllieM27 · 31/01/2023 20:21

At the risk of stating the obvious, I suspect that they are “lost” rather than lost. If the teacher is tired of the disruption then she may have impulsively said that they were lost rather than give them back so soon. Having taught young children I can attest to how frustrating it is to have one child derailing the entire class because they won’t stop kicking and stomping to light their shoes up (or any number of other silly behaviours). I never “misplaced” a confiscated item but I know teachers that did! With the light up shoes in particular they are usually kicking the furniture to get them to flash, which is obviously loud.

OP, I would try saying or sending a message to the effect of “I’m sorry that X has been disruptive to the class with his super hero shoes. He just got them at Christmas and has been very excited about them. Please send the shoes with him and we will only allow him to wear them at home for the foreseeable, until the novelty has worn off.”

See if that helps the “lost” shoes reappear.

Seriously! I assume OP’s 4 year old is having to go to school in his PE pumps in January as he hasn’t got his shoes. If as you say the teacher is deliberately not giving them back to teach the kid a longer lesson, that is bordering on sociopathic!

Send an email tonight, to the Head OP, cc’ing in the teacher explaining what happened. Clearly state this is unacceptable and you want the shoes back or replaced by the time you pick DS up. If they don’t immediate email the school governors and state that you will action in the small claims court which would be very embarrassing for the school.

Please don’t stress about being ‘that parent’. Teachers who take offence to a parent challenging incompetence or bad behaviour (of teachers) really aren’t worth worrying about. I’ve had to be ‘that parent’ for many years due to having a child with SEN.

it’s neither here nor there is the shoes flash. OP said other DC wear them. My DC had them 20 years ago (most Clarke’s school shoes flashed). They’re hardly disco level. Pathetic teacher to upset a 4 year old like that.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 31/01/2023 20:35

I would be thoroughly pissed off! That teacher is an absolute bully and did not have the right to take your child's shoes!
Demand they be returned or that the teacher reimburse you for a new purchase.
I would be seeking a formal reprimand for the teacher and would not let it rest. I'd go all the way up the chain.
I cannot wrap my head around a situation where an adult, a teacher of young children, feels the need to stifle the joy of one of the very young children they are responsible for.
FFS I have heard it all now. 😡🤬🤬🤬🤬
Again, your child's shoes were taken away!!!

EndlessReno · 31/01/2023 20:40

This reply has been deleted

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UdoU · 31/01/2023 20:42

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They didn’t ‘get lost’. The teacher lost them. Teachers are not above basic basic manners.

EndlessReno · 31/01/2023 20:42

Mumtobabyhavoc · 31/01/2023 20:35

I would be thoroughly pissed off! That teacher is an absolute bully and did not have the right to take your child's shoes!
Demand they be returned or that the teacher reimburse you for a new purchase.
I would be seeking a formal reprimand for the teacher and would not let it rest. I'd go all the way up the chain.
I cannot wrap my head around a situation where an adult, a teacher of young children, feels the need to stifle the joy of one of the very young children they are responsible for.
FFS I have heard it all now. 😡🤬🤬🤬🤬
Again, your child's shoes were taken away!!!

‘An absolute bully’. Really?

Whereas you sound like a completely rational
and intelligent person….

Parents like you are why I pity every teacher who enters the classroom.

Anothernameanother · 31/01/2023 20:42

FrostyNethers · 31/01/2023 20:35

Seriously! I assume OP’s 4 year old is having to go to school in his PE pumps in January as he hasn’t got his shoes. If as you say the teacher is deliberately not giving them back to teach the kid a longer lesson, that is bordering on sociopathic!

Send an email tonight, to the Head OP, cc’ing in the teacher explaining what happened. Clearly state this is unacceptable and you want the shoes back or replaced by the time you pick DS up. If they don’t immediate email the school governors and state that you will action in the small claims court which would be very embarrassing for the school.

Please don’t stress about being ‘that parent’. Teachers who take offence to a parent challenging incompetence or bad behaviour (of teachers) really aren’t worth worrying about. I’ve had to be ‘that parent’ for many years due to having a child with SEN.

it’s neither here nor there is the shoes flash. OP said other DC wear them. My DC had them 20 years ago (most Clarke’s school shoes flashed). They’re hardly disco level. Pathetic teacher to upset a 4 year old like that.

Show quote history

An immediate email? For a pair of fucking shoes?!

Do you even know what the head might be dealing with?

  • Making a referral for a child who has just disclosed that they're being emotionally abused
  • Attending a meeting to review a Child Protection Plan where yet again the parent makes excuses for their child only attending school 2 days a week, and turning up dirty and unclean when they do
  • Addressing a parent concern or complaint about bullying
  • Finding a cover teacher for a member of staff off ill due to a chronic illness (or more likely, work-related stress)
  • Supporting with physical intervention for a child who has become violent
  • Helping to change the nappy of a child who is incontinent
  • Creating strategic plans for how to cope with strike days
  • Or maybe, just maybe, doing something actually pleasant like leading an assembly or supporting a teacher

So no, they're not going to reply immediately to a complaint about shoes.

UdoU · 31/01/2023 20:43

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request

FrostyNethers · 31/01/2023 20:45

‘Wildly inappropriate shoes’

That have been worn in classrooms up and down the country for many years. Since when have Clarke’s school shoes been wildly inappropriate?

No one needs to suck up to their child’s teacher. If the teacher hadn’t been a twat, the OP would have no need to confront😉

itswednesdayy · 31/01/2023 20:45

This is annoying, isn’t it? I can see both perspectives but ultimately, the teacher should have a safe/designated place to store confiscated shoes if they insist on confiscation. They should not have been lost.

Prescottdanni123 · 31/01/2023 20:46

@EndlessReno

Teacher here. I wouldn't blame a parent for being pissed off over this. A lot of primary school kids wear flashing shoes - as did I about 25 years ago, that is how long they have been around. They are not something out of the ordinary. Schools cannot allow them and then criticise parents for sending their kids to school in them.

FurAndFeathers · 31/01/2023 20:47

NCshoess · 31/01/2023 17:46

thanks for the responses, when school opens thursday I will ask again and if not found will speak to the head of year. I really didn't feel it was fair to lose them but wasn't sure if it was even possible to ask them to replace

Have you double checked they definitely aren’t in a bag or given to your sister?

if not then it’s theft pure and simple. Being a teacher does not give you the right to take other people’s property

mumoffourminimes · 31/01/2023 20:48

I agree @EndlessReno. This thread is nuts, poor teachers.

Op the shoes will most likely turn up in the morning.

clarcats · 31/01/2023 20:48

DangerNoodles · 31/01/2023 17:59

Bored kids in plain shoes stamp thier feet, what would she have done in that situation? Removing a child's clothing, even swapping for another pair, is not appropriate.

My son stims, it used to involve foot stomping but not so much now. I would have been pissed if the teacher had taken his shoes without consulting me first.

Pretty sure that the teacher would have told the child to change into non flashing shoes after several warnings to keep them still (the shoes) as not only would it be stopping flashing shoe child from learning, it would also be stopping those around him from learning because it would be incredibly distracting. It's hard enough teaching small children without distractions like flashing shoes. IF the child had been in plain boring shoes and stamping their feet then I'm pretty sure the teacher would also have asked that child to stop too- for the same reason that it would be distracting others. They would also know if a child was doing it because of a specific need and would treat the case completely differently- probably with a reminder that stampy feet needed to be saved for a little time later when not distracting others or the teacher would give that specific child the time/space to stamp as needed away from the children she was trying to teach at that moment in time.
Although obviously misplacing the shoes isn't acceptable, asking child to remove flashing shoes after several warnings to keep them still IS acceptable- there's more than one child in a class that needs to be listening to learn.

ortonym · 31/01/2023 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request

It's also a good idea for the teacher to build a nice relationship with parents. Losing a child's shoes and saying "they might turn up" is not a good foundation tbh.
As for "wildly inappropriate shoes", a lot of Clark's school shoes have flashing lights. Such shoes are, apparently, not disallowed at OPs school.

Most PPs are not advocating aggression, merely pointing out that OP should, indeed, request compensation for the shoes.