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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd11 year 7 sleepover

58 replies

Life350 · 31/01/2023 17:15

So dd wants a sleepover at her friends
i don’t feel comfortable with it as the dad allows vaping
and on one occasion the elder sibling was really horrible to my dd when she was there

she is desperate to go
I am known for being over protective but I just worry about this one so much
iv told her I’ll pick her up late and she’s really really laying it on
wwyd is it me being to over protective or do I need to stick to my guns

OP posts:
titchy · 31/01/2023 17:18

What do you mean by dad allows vaping? He allows who to vape? 11 year olds? Himself? How well do you know the friend she is staying with? What was the situation with the elder sibling?

Dacadactyl · 31/01/2023 17:19

If the dad allowed my child to vape at 11 my kids would be going near their house again.

MajorCarolDanvers · 31/01/2023 17:22

I wouldn't be comfortable if the dad is allowing children to vape. That would be a no from me.

I'd offer to have the sleepover at my house.

Original poster
Life350 · 31/01/2023 17:23

So there is hearsay from others he allows kids to vape

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 31/01/2023 17:24

Who is the hearsay from and are they reliable?

mumof3now2 · 31/01/2023 17:24

Life350 · 31/01/2023 17:23

So there is hearsay from others he allows kids to vape

Ah good old hearsay.

catsnore · 31/01/2023 17:25

Offer to host the friend?

Original poster
Life350 · 31/01/2023 17:28

catsnore · 31/01/2023 17:25

Offer to host the friend?

There’s a few of them
going which I don’t have space for
she’s in absolute tears and now I feel so mean

OP posts:
georgiegherkin · 31/01/2023 17:29

Ah of course hearsay is never wrong

WineDup · 31/01/2023 17:31

Life350 · 31/01/2023 17:23

So there is hearsay from others he allows kids to vape

What age of kids? Is this the 11yo who is being allowed to vape, or older kids?

RedHelenB · 31/01/2023 17:33

Life350 · 31/01/2023 17:28

There’s a few of them
going which I don’t have space for
she’s in absolute tears and now I feel so mean

Show quote history

I'd let her.

afinishedkiss · 31/01/2023 17:33

I'd let her too.

Original poster
Life350 · 31/01/2023 17:34

WineDup · 31/01/2023 17:31

What age of kids? Is this the 11yo who is being allowed to vape, or older kids?

Show quote history

Iv heard the 11yo but iv also heard one parent be really shocked about it and say if was impossible
so confused a lot of reservations are on hearsay iv know the mum for a number of years but as acquaintances and she always seemed pretty sensible

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 31/01/2023 17:34

Yes, let her go. She’s more than old enough.

Mermaidpool · 31/01/2023 17:34

I would talk to my child and explain my rules, no vaping, if they feel at all uncomfortable they can come home etc. Then i would trust that I have brought my child up properly to respect that and let them go

Original poster
Life350 · 31/01/2023 17:38

she is adamant she won’t im so scared of her sneaking out too but I would also say I know im over anxious and iv got to stop

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 31/01/2023 17:40

I think you need to trust her and let her go. You'll cause her more harm in the long run if you overprotect her.

Original poster
Life350 · 31/01/2023 17:43

I know that’s true and I’m worried iv made her over cautious
iv just asked her to call me if anything happens

OP posts:
Cocobutt · 31/01/2023 17:46

I’d be worried too but I think I’d let her go.

I’d give her a code word to text you if she wants to come home and then you can ring a couple minutes later and tell her she needs to come home and she can pretend like it wasn’t her decision.

2bazookas · 31/01/2023 17:49

I'd invite the little friend to stay with you instead.

Original poster
Life350 · 31/01/2023 19:50

Cocobutt · 31/01/2023 17:46

I’d be worried too but I think I’d let her go.

I’d give her a code word to text you if she wants to come home and then you can ring a couple minutes later and tell her she needs to come home and she can pretend like it wasn’t her decision.

Thanks this is what we have done
iv said If ever you need me just tell me I’ll never be angry I’ll just be right there
she has assured me values her health and life and wouldn’t do anything silly she’s a good kid. It’s just scary all of a sudden being faced with so many things but I don’t want to deprive her of a life

OP posts:
Original poster
Life350 · 31/01/2023 22:42

Ok panicking now ohone has been handed into the mum I feel sick to my stomach
I have the mums number but how can she call me for help
my anxiety is through the roof
I’m so worried I wish I hadn’t wavered on this what if something happens

OP posts:
Original poster
Life350 · 31/01/2023 22:42

I just want to go and get her but don’t know what to do

OP posts:
AngelicInnocent · 31/01/2023 22:46

With the best will in the world, you need to deal with your anxiety and not inflict it on your DD.

If DD is at all upset or unhappy, she can just ask to contact you. If she's worried about them picking on her, she just needs to remember something she hasn't done and has to tell you about eg left straighteners on.

Original poster
Life350 · 31/01/2023 22:48

She won’t think of that though

OP posts:
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