Page 2 | Dd11 year 7 sleepover

Life350 · 2023-01-31T17:15:56+00:00

So dd wants a sleepover at her friends i don’t feel comfortable with it as the dad allows vaping and on one occasion the elder sibling was really horrible to my dd when she was there she is desperate to go I am known for being over protective but I just worry about this one so much iv told her I’ll pick her up late and she’s really really laying it on wwyd is it me being to over protective or do I need to stick to my guns

Original poster

Life350 · 31/01/2023 22:48

I know but is this anxiety?
I don’t feel like I know anymore

OP posts:

Redglitter · 31/01/2023 22:49

Shell be fine. She'll be having a great time. You can't let your anxiety impact her. I'm sure if something happened she'd ask for her phone back to call you.

BungleandGeorge · 31/01/2023 22:51

If there’s a group I’d have probably said yes.
however, I think you’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that teenagers often whine and cry and make a fuss when they’re not allowed to do something, it’s your job as the parent to hold firm if you believe it’s in their best interests! She’s going to push boundaries at some point

PollyPut · 31/01/2023 22:52

@Life350 if the phone's have been handed in to the mum then it would be reasonable to think that she is being a responsible parent.

I'm guessing no school tomorrow?

BungleandGeorge · 31/01/2023 22:53

Did you know the phone was going to be taken away?

Notimeforaname · 31/01/2023 22:54

Yes its anxiety.

Oddbobbyboo · 31/01/2023 22:54

Is she there now? I imagine mum has taken the phones in the hope that they'll settle down and go to sleep x it is 11pm. Have more faith in your daughter. I'm sure she's sensible enough to keep herself safe.

It's a huge adjustment for us mums when they go to secondary because they are still so little but want to be far more independent x

Try and rest x

Original poster

Life350 · 31/01/2023 23:04

BungleandGeorge · 31/01/2023 22:53

Did you know the phone was going to be taken away?

No I didn’t know the phone would be taken away I feel really worried but fighting that with the fact that it does show there is some boundaries

OP posts:

FavouriteSlippers · 31/01/2023 23:04

Let her go!

Original poster

Life350 · 31/01/2023 23:05

Oddbobbyboo · 31/01/2023 22:54

Is she there now? I imagine mum has taken the phones in the hope that they'll settle down and go to sleep x it is 11pm. Have more faith in your daughter. I'm sure she's sensible enough to keep herself safe.

It's a huge adjustment for us mums when they go to secondary because they are still so little but want to be far more independent x

Try and rest x

I just keep thinking what if iv made the wrong decision

OP posts:

Original poster

Life350 · 31/01/2023 23:06

I called her twice through the night and she said she was fine and happy

OP posts:

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 31/01/2023 23:20

You need to get help for your anxiety. Your reaction is not close to normal.
You will do so much damage to her if you let this anxiety affect her life.

Original poster

Life350 · 31/01/2023 23:22

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 31/01/2023 23:20

You need to get help for your anxiety. Your reaction is not close to normal.
You will do so much damage to her if you let this anxiety affect her life.

I’m kind of relieved to here you say that as it means it’s not as bad as I think i feel like a terrible mother for allowing this

OP posts:

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 31/01/2023 23:40

Yes, it's pure, unadulterated anxiety. More importantly, you need to realise that this is now at a stage where it's about to start impacting on your daughter's life and well being, not just yours, so you either need to learn to control it, or deal with it in another way.

I have spent the vast majority of the last 47 years being severely arachnophobic. I tried all sorts of things to get over it, hypnosis, self help, London Zoo Friendly Spider Programme, everything, but I couldn't even get close to a dead spider embedded in perspex, let alone a love one. Unfortunately, Little Unicorn 3 picked up on this behaviour and developed the same fear through imitation. One of the worst things to happen was her being in tears from sheer terror of seeing a 1cm spider in the kitchen with me, her 6ft knife wielding surgeon father, also frozen to the spot and unable to do anything. That was the day I decided that I had to get over my phobia no matter what it took. I needed a psychotherapist and some serious effort with EMDR, but it worked - I still don't like them, but I can now deal with them. Massive harvest spiders run away from me now, not the other way round!

I'm afraid that if you don't do something about your anxiety, you'll be at risk of either passing your anxiety to your daughter, which is bad enough, or, far worse, cause a huge amount of resentment and rebellious behaviour against your anxiety driven highly restrictive parenting. I can assure you that neither are good options.

For your own and your daughter's sake, please consider getting some help with your anxiety issues if it's a recurring problem. Life is much more pleasant when you're not anxious all the time.

Hope you and your daughter are both ok.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 31/01/2023 23:44

@Life350
Why on earth has the mum taken her phone?? I'd be very unhappy with this

But to be honest my daughter wouldn't have been going with the whole caping situation

Original poster

Life350 · 31/01/2023 23:44

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 31/01/2023 23:40

Yes, it's pure, unadulterated anxiety. More importantly, you need to realise that this is now at a stage where it's about to start impacting on your daughter's life and well being, not just yours, so you either need to learn to control it, or deal with it in another way.

I have spent the vast majority of the last 47 years being severely arachnophobic. I tried all sorts of things to get over it, hypnosis, self help, London Zoo Friendly Spider Programme, everything, but I couldn't even get close to a dead spider embedded in perspex, let alone a love one. Unfortunately, Little Unicorn 3 picked up on this behaviour and developed the same fear through imitation. One of the worst things to happen was her being in tears from sheer terror of seeing a 1cm spider in the kitchen with me, her 6ft knife wielding surgeon father, also frozen to the spot and unable to do anything. That was the day I decided that I had to get over my phobia no matter what it took. I needed a psychotherapist and some serious effort with EMDR, but it worked - I still don't like them, but I can now deal with them. Massive harvest spiders run away from me now, not the other way round!

I'm afraid that if you don't do something about your anxiety, you'll be at risk of either passing your anxiety to your daughter, which is bad enough, or, far worse, cause a huge amount of resentment and rebellious behaviour against your anxiety driven highly restrictive parenting. I can assure you that neither are good options.

For your own and your daughter's sake, please consider getting some help with your anxiety issues if it's a recurring problem. Life is much more pleasant when you're not anxious all the time.

Hope you and your daughter are both ok.

Thank you
iv had an irrational fear of something happening to her since I was pregnant with her and I think it’s got to a point where I can’t see the woods for the trees iv known lots of children stay over at this family’s house abs live through it
I’m going to re start my medication tomorrow and look at counselling abs hope that helps

OP posts:

Remaker · 31/01/2023 23:51

The one time something bad happened on a sleepover at that age (kids looking at porn) with my kids it was because one anxious mum had given her daughter a phone ‘in case she gets upset and needed to call home’. None of the others had phones, she could have just spoken with the lovely mum hosting who would have let her phone home. Luckily my DD made the good choice of pretending she had an upset tummy and locking herself in the bathroom to avoid it all.

Honestly OP, a parent confiscating phones from 11 yr olds is a responsible parent. That would reassure me my child was safe.

UnicornsHaveDadsToo · 31/01/2023 23:58

Life350 · 31/01/2023 23:44

Thank you
iv had an irrational fear of something happening to her since I was pregnant with her and I think it’s got to a point where I can’t see the woods for the trees iv known lots of children stay over at this family’s house abs live through it
I’m going to re start my medication tomorrow and look at counselling abs hope that helps

Show quote history

That sounds like a good plan. Hopefully just the simple fact of having a plan will alleviate some of the anxiety.

I'm sure your daughter will have a fabulous time, and I hope you manage to get some sleep without worrying too much!

Original poster

Life350 · 01/02/2023 00:00

Remaker · 31/01/2023 23:51

The one time something bad happened on a sleepover at that age (kids looking at porn) with my kids it was because one anxious mum had given her daughter a phone ‘in case she gets upset and needed to call home’. None of the others had phones, she could have just spoken with the lovely mum hosting who would have let her phone home. Luckily my DD made the good choice of pretending she had an upset tummy and locking herself in the bathroom to avoid it all.

Honestly OP, a parent confiscating phones from 11 yr olds is a responsible parent. That would reassure me my child was safe.

My rational head tells me it is a good sign
I mean iv known of the family since 2019 dd attended a sports club with the girls for 2 years and a good mutual friend who I trust dearly has allowed her own dd there for years
but I’m a bit too nosy with my dd and her messages etc (something I really am working on abs self aware about) and have heard some things I don’t like. But to be honest it could be said of any friend if dd’s I don’t want to deprive her of a life and tonight she cried and said she just wanted to feel part of things like everyone else abs I just thought I’m bloody causing her more harm wrapping her up in cotton wool
so fat sleepovers have always been here or round friends I know v v well

OP posts:

Snugglemonkey · 01/02/2023 00:01

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 31/01/2023 23:20

You need to get help for your anxiety. Your reaction is not close to normal.
You will do so much damage to her if you let this anxiety affect her life.

This! It's really difficult for you to endure and is so damaging for your DC. There is help available, it would be such a good idea.

Macaroni46 · 01/02/2023 00:03

Life350 · 31/01/2023 23:06

I called her twice through the night and she said she was fine and happy

Seriously? You need to give your DD space. My DC would've been mortified if I'd done this. Please try to step back and let her enjoy the sleepover.

Original poster

Life350 · 01/02/2023 07:57

I’m trying to be reasonable about it but so worried still not heard feom
her yet

OP posts:

00100001 · 01/02/2023 08:04

It was avoid thing the phones were taken away. Means they'll actually be with each other instead of mindlessly scrolling tiktok and WhatsApping stupid photos and god knows what.

Your daughter was always able to tell an adult she was struggling. Even if you set up a code word with them both before hand.

As for the vaping rumour.... Who's even told you this?

00100001 · 01/02/2023 08:05

A good thing*

balloontrip · 01/02/2023 08:06

Life350 · 01/02/2023 07:57

I’m trying to be reasonable about it but so worried still not heard feom
her yet

I would imagine a late night would lead to a long lie?