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Original poster

To be able to make a decision on joint money

58 replies

Bringonthesummer90 · 31/01/2023 11:44

Husband and I both work full time, he is paid significantly more than me. We each get paid into our own accounts and pay a share into the joint account each month to cover, all bills, food, kids clubs. We are both left with the same personal money. We are fairly comfortable and should be saving around £800 a month from the joint account.
I don't have any access to this account - only debit card is his and I have to ask to have it for example if I am going to get some extra shopping, pay for extra school uniform etc.
At the weekend I suggested the idea of getting a cleaner to take some of the pressure off. I do 80% of house jobs. The quote I got was around £150 a month so something we can afford. He has turned around and flat out said no that's not what I want to be spending money on. I should be able to make a decision on how we spend our joint money shouldn't I?

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 31/01/2023 11:45

Well you should have access to that money as it's half yours. Why don't you?

Paq · 31/01/2023 11:46

Yes 😮 why don't you have full sight and access to your joint money?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2023 11:47

This is really worrying OP

You have to ask when you want to spend any 'joint' money?
You don't even have a card to the 'joint' account?
You are married but dont have equal say in finances?
Why does he get to make the final decision on something that affects your time much more than his?

And lastly unless he does vastly more hours than you at work, why are you doing the majority of housework if you both work? Surely it should be the same principle as equal spends - equal leisure time?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2023 11:47

This is an aside but consider a cleaner every other week if you havent already

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 31/01/2023 11:50

Why is there only one debit card?

We have a similar set up here and we both have a card for the joint account.

Emmamoo89 · 31/01/2023 11:50

That is rather dodgy that you don't have access to joint account

YellowHpok · 31/01/2023 11:52

If its a joint account then why can't you just phone the bank and request your own card?

Aside from that it sounds financially abusive

Hadalifeonce · 31/01/2023 11:53

Contact the bank to ask for a debit card to the joint account. If your name is on the account there shouldn't be a problem.

sjxoxo · 31/01/2023 11:54

Agree you need access to that account!! X

whizzpopping · 31/01/2023 11:56

Just contact the bank and order your own debit card for the joint account. It will be delivered to your home address.

budgiegirl · 31/01/2023 11:56

I don't have any access to this account - only debit card is his and I have to ask to have it for example if I am going to get some extra shopping, pay for extra school uniform etc

Get that sorted straight away - contact the bank and ask for your own debit card. It's not truly a joint account if you don't have access to it.

At the weekend I suggested the idea of getting a cleaner to take some of the pressure off. I do 80% of house jobs. The quote I got was around £150 a month so something we can afford. He has turned around and flat out said no that's not what I want to be spending money on

Spending of joint money should be jointly decided on. It's fair that you both have a say as to whether you spend money on a cleaner. Does he discuss with you any spending he does from the joint account?

If he really doesn't want to spend money on a cleaner, draw up a list of all jobs that are done in the house, and make sure he is doing 50% of them all. If he doesn't want to do this, then revisit the idea of a cleaner. He can't say no, and then refuse to do his share.

Swiftswatch · 31/01/2023 11:57

I should be able to make a decision on how we spend our joint money shouldn't I?

Well not necessarily on your own. Both parties should be deciding together.
£150 isn’t a completely insignificant amount and some people don’t value money being spent on things they can do themselves, cleaning, gardening etc whereas some people prefer the luxury of having it done for them.

Why don’t you have a card for a joint account? How do you do joint spending if you don’t have a card? The whole set up is strange. Its not a joint account, you just transfer money to your DH’s personal account.

HanSB · 31/01/2023 11:58

How is it a joint account if you don't have access? If your name is on the account then you can get a card for it easily. Use a bank statement to call up and request a card and online access. It's financial abuse to deny you access to money you have put into the account

ninjafoodienovice · 31/01/2023 11:58

If you don't know the account number, find a statement then call the bank to request a debit card in your name. You shouldn't be using his card at all anyway. PIN numbers shouldn't be shared either.
Once you have a card you are in a much better position to have discussion about finances, and share of household jobs. Do it today!

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 31/01/2023 12:00

Is it actually a joint account or just an account in your DH name with all your joint money? 🚨

Because if its a joint account you can just get the bank to send you a card. And you should be able to access internet banking and statements.

BarbaraofSeville · 31/01/2023 12:00

£150 isn’t a completely insignificant amount and some people don’t value money being spent on things they can do themselves, cleaning, gardening etc whereas some people prefer the luxury of having it done for them

Well he can either do his half of the cleaning, or he can pay for half the cost. Not paying a cleaner and doing hardly any of it isn't an option.

OP, how much family savings do you have and do you have access to it? If you can save £800 pm, you should have £10k of savings for every year you've been in the current financial position and it should be in joint savings accounts, or split 50/50 between you. Do you have this amount of savings? From what you say, it doesn't sound like a very transparent arrangement.

CrazyCorgi · 31/01/2023 12:01

If it’s a joint account, just call the bank and ask for another card 🤷‍♀️ Besides that, your husband sounds rather controlling.

GoodChat · 31/01/2023 12:03

Tell him he needs to start doing his half of the cleaning then.

Is the account actually a joint account?

You should both be making decisions together on joint money. If you disagree neither of you gets to override the other.

MelchiorsMistress · 31/01/2023 12:03

I don’t think either of you should be able to make decisions the other strongly disagrees with, but if your DH doesn’t want to pay for a cleaner then he can do more himself or he’ll have to accept that standards will drop.

2Good2Gooooo · 31/01/2023 12:08

Do you have access to view the joint account online ?

If the account is in both names, order your own card & PIN from the bank

You can have monthly paper or online statements

Surely you need to see where the money is being spent each month ?

ChristmasJumpers · 31/01/2023 12:12

A joint account should be in both of your names so you have access online and have your own card. This sounds more like you're putting your money into an account of your DHs. That's the bigger issue here. Not much can be done if DH won't agree to a cleaner as you do both need to agree to joint spending. Maybe suggest that DH takes on 50% of the workload instead - maybe he'll change his mind!!

Quitelikeit · 31/01/2023 12:16

In my opinion people are putting too much weight on you not having a card to that account

It doesn’t matter if you had a card he doesn’t agree with paying a cleaner

Me and my DH have an account that isn’t on his online banking but he’s never seemed bothered by it and he sometimes goes on my phone to transfer etc

The real issue is agreeing on whether you need a cleaner, working FT I’d say it’s a luxury you can afford the sad thing is your DP feels he will not benefit from it as he does nothing anyway

Best get your list of chores out and ask him to take on more!!!

billy1966 · 31/01/2023 12:16

Not having access to a joint account with savings is financial abuse.

Having to ask for the debit card for joint purchases is controlling financial abuse.

This is not the behaviour of a good man.

Protect yourself.

Stop doing 80% of the cleaning and any laundry or jobs that benefit him.

Yours is not a healthy respectful marriage.

Read up on financial abuse and coercive financial control.

Both are crimes.

Order a card for the account you contribute to and call Womens aid for a chat.

thesugarbumfairy · 31/01/2023 12:18

What everyone else said
If you don't have access, how is it a joint account?. If the account is in both names, then you both should have a debit card for it. If its in his name, its not a joint account - you are just paying him money to allocate as he wishes. That is financial abuse.
How on earth do you know what's going on financially if you can't see the account? You say what you 'should' be saving - but for all you know he's blowing it on something else. This should be your priority. Worry about a cleaner later.

monitor1 · 31/01/2023 12:19

If it's a joint account you need access. If he refuses this is financial abuse. Ring up the bank and get yourself sent a debit card and online access details.

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