Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be able to make a decision on joint money

58 replies

Bringonthesummer90 · 31/01/2023 11:44

Husband and I both work full time, he is paid significantly more than me. We each get paid into our own accounts and pay a share into the joint account each month to cover, all bills, food, kids clubs. We are both left with the same personal money. We are fairly comfortable and should be saving around £800 a month from the joint account.
I don't have any access to this account - only debit card is his and I have to ask to have it for example if I am going to get some extra shopping, pay for extra school uniform etc.
At the weekend I suggested the idea of getting a cleaner to take some of the pressure off. I do 80% of house jobs. The quote I got was around £150 a month so something we can afford. He has turned around and flat out said no that's not what I want to be spending money on. I should be able to make a decision on how we spend our joint money shouldn't I?

OP posts:
mamnotmum · 31/01/2023 15:41

Firstly - as everyone has already told you.....get access to this if it is JOINT money.

Secondly - stop doing all the cleaning! If it upsets him then he can either share it or reconsider a cleaner!

2Good2Gooooo · 31/01/2023 17:03

Should be saving £800 per month

You cannot see how much is going into the account each month

You cannot see what it's being spent on per month

Saving for what ?
You cannot see how much you are saving per month. Is it going into another account to be saved ?

Beachhutnut · 31/01/2023 17:06

Is it actually a joint account or his account that you pay into? If the latter STOP. Insist he turns it into a joint account or opens a joint account and transfers the money. You need sight of how much there is and what it is spent on

Tinkerbyebye · 31/01/2023 17:16

Yes you should. I would also contact the bank and order a card, you don’t need his permission to do that and would register for online banking so i can see the account

Dacadactyl · 31/01/2023 17:22

Tell him if he's not happy to get a cleaner that he needs to do more around the house or you'll be reducing the amount that goes into the joint account so that you can afford a cleaner out of your own personal spends.

Original poster
Bringonthesummer90 · 01/02/2023 20:40

So I have told him tonight I am going to get a card sent out to me in the post as I tried to pay a club for the kids and it asked me for a code that was sent to his phone and he was out. I then couldn't make the payment. It often does this and I have to ask him the code so I can complete the transaction.
He has shouted at me and said I always start stuff and I have so little pressure in my life. He now won't talk to me for 2 days!
Honestly past the point of caring about a cleaner now and wondering what the over reaction is about.

OP posts:
Littlebluedinosaur · 01/02/2023 20:44

Definitely get access!

PaddyDingDong · 01/02/2023 20:46

Bringonthesummer90 · 01/02/2023 20:40

So I have told him tonight I am going to get a card sent out to me in the post as I tried to pay a club for the kids and it asked me for a code that was sent to his phone and he was out. I then couldn't make the payment. It often does this and I have to ask him the code so I can complete the transaction.
He has shouted at me and said I always start stuff and I have so little pressure in my life. He now won't talk to me for 2 days!
Honestly past the point of caring about a cleaner now and wondering what the over reaction is about.

It's weird that all this time you've never had a card or online access to the joint account - why have you never questioned it before. I'd say he's spunked all the money in there and is now sitting himself that you're going to find out. Also the fact you now seem to know he's not going to talk to you for 2 days?? What's all that about? Whats his redeeming features? Why are you with him?

PaddyDingDong · 01/02/2023 20:46

*shitting

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 01/02/2023 20:52

OP can you even look at the account? He's either very controlling about money (which is worrying) or the amount of money you think is in there is actually much less. Or possibly both. But his reaction suggests he is maybe using money for his own benefit.

HappyintheHills · 01/02/2023 20:52

Financially and emotionally abusive.

who’s name are the savings in?

Grincheynewyear · 01/02/2023 20:59

Should this account have a balance that is increasing by £800 a month? Can you access the statements (on your phone/his phone/online banking)?

If you take ID into the branch you can ask for statements to be printed.

Is he scared you are going to spend the money? Or scared you may take the money? Or has he spent/taken the money?

BashfulClam · 01/02/2023 21:09

You do 80% why? Nope I wouldn’t be doing that. We both work full time, we both live here so we both muck in. In fact the other day I was in the office, I came home and DH had gone out for dinner items and got some snacks, went to chemist for my prescription, emptied and refilled dishwasher and washed two loads of laundry…he can stay!

KangarooKenny · 01/02/2023 21:10

You need to check that account.

Stopthebusplease · 01/02/2023 21:12

I'd now be seriously worried as to what he's been doing with the joint money OP. As for him sulking for 2 days, that's outrageous and REALLY controlling! When you get access to the account, be sure and draw out half the money, and put it in an account in your SOLE name, that is of course, if there's any money left????

EmmaDilemma5 · 01/02/2023 21:14

This is abuse OP. it's financial abuse and him not talking to you is emotional abuse.

If you are safe, and you don't fear his reaction, I would reduce what you pay into the joint by £400 and save it yourself. It sounds like he's purposely keeping you out.

He sounds horrible. How can you live with someone who treats you with such little respect?

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 21:22

I believe banks are now training staff in financial abuse.

When you ring your bank you can flag this.

You are being emotionally and financially abused by him.

He is committing a crime.

Ring Women's aid.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 01/02/2023 21:27

Is it actually a joint account? With both of you officially account holders? Or is it an account in his name only and you think of it as 'joint' money?

Whatever the answer to the above, he doesn't want you to have access to it. My bet is the 'savings' have been spent by him or put somewhere else under his control.

And yes, he's abusive, and a complete dick by the sound of it.

AnuSTart · 01/02/2023 21:32

Oh sweet mercy this is textbook financial control and abuse!

Jesus wept.

Get a card.

Ignore his tantrums.

If needs be, leave. It may not get better. That's an optimistic statement...

inloveandmarried · 01/02/2023 21:37

If you have a joint account and it's in both your names. Pop into the bank and ask for a card. No fuss.

Then, after it's arrived with its PIN number, check the account. Check the balance and check where the money is going. You can set up online banking on your phone.

Then tell him you've sorted out a card so you don't have to bother him with confirmation phone calls. He's not going to like this as he can't argue with it or make you feel unreasonable.

His reaction is abusive, and controlling. These things say much more. He's stopping you having proper access to joint money. Not healthy.

redskydelight · 01/02/2023 21:39

This is a weird set up - if it's a joint account then you should have your own card. His overreaction to you saying you would get one suggests there is something to hide. Are you sure your ideas of how much should be in the joint account are accurate i.e. bills aren't more than you think? The point about pressure on you makes me wonder if he's hiding something to protect you?

SmileWithADimple · 01/02/2023 21:40

He's not coming out of this well OP.

deeperthanallroses · 01/02/2023 21:42

Forget the cleaner. Get access to the money!! And if I haven’t got full access to view online I would keep 400 a month extra from now on Ie half of what should be saved in the joint. They aren’t joint savings if you can’t see them. They may not even exist. (In which case forget the joint account I’d want a divorce)

Floofyduffypuddy · 01/02/2023 21:43

Wow interesting development!

I'm also amazed you never had a card? Ours sent them as standard.

He sounds strangely touchy.

Re money once you get the card and everything looks ok ....which it may not i think you then need to further break down where all this money goes.

Floofyduffypuddy · 01/02/2023 21:45

In fact our joint account at first direct prompted me to look at statement. Essentially I consider it to be DH account but I have a card.

He checks it though and controls it. Which is fine because I have my own.