My eldest DC (6) has recently been referred for suspected ASD. Before starting school, I didn't see her behaviour as anything other than on the more intense side of normal (high needs baby, sensitive toddler, rage-filled 4/5yo!). But now she's been referred it's making me question some things. My middle child (4) is completely different, very emotionally engaged, responsive, not as sensitive, not as obsessive... I actually find it quite hard parenting him sometimes as I'm so used to my eldest's quirks and have realised belatedly we perhaps didn't have a 'normal' early years experience with her. Youngest is still a baby and while less chill than my son, not as intense as my daughter was (although that's probably more to do with me than her!).
Anyway, I've had lots of chats with the school's SENCO and it's flagging up all kinds of things in our wider family, but also specifically for me.
I've always felt like an outsider. Have friends, but not many - and haven't made any new friends in the best part of 20 years, just acquaintances (not people I hang out with or see regularly). And yet I'm friendly and well liked - just not good at getting close to people beyond the superficial. I'm not sure of what the expectations are of 'being a friend' and have to remind myself to do things like check in (although I'm excellent at buying presents).
Everyone I knew as a teenager / young adult described me as 'not a hugger' - my family were not very tactile growing up, and mum has told me I 'stopped hugging her' when she was pregnant with my brother. I've grown more used to it over the years and now do sometimes hug people upon meeting / saying goodbye and so on, although am never quite sure when it's appropriate or not (and don't get me started on kissing cheeks, which I always mess up - one or two?!). But I'm very tactile with my kids and we all hug all the time, my DH a little less so and he complains that I'm cold and not touchy-feely enough. I do love a cuddle but have to be in the right frame of mind, otherwise I just feel awkward and sort of impatient?
I'm intelligent and did well at school/college/uni, read lots of books, but often feel like I don't actually understand the world and other people. I pretend an awful lot that I do and just hope that by gradual osmosis I'll pick up on what's going on. But often even the simplest things either feel inscrutable to me, or I just don't understand how other people know them. Kind of like I've missed a set of instructions somewhere along the line.
I'm very good at observing people from the outside and understanding their motivation etc - I have a very good 'gut instinct' for people and can give excellent advice to others on how to handle situations. But I'm not very good in actual interactions and often misread things or get them wrong. I don't understand how these two things can be true at the same time and feel I should be able to apply my objective appraisal to my everyday interactions, but don't seem to be able to!
I do enjoy being around people, love having a chat/gossip with the people I'm closest to at work, can be quite funny and sometimes even the centre of attention, and have got better at small talk over the years - I try to watch what other people do and copy what I see working. I chat to parents on the school run. But I have a tendency to massively overshare and will tell pretty much everyone all my business - I have to actively monitor what I'm saying but even then I'll often just keep running my mouth and then feel embarrassed afterwards. Ultimately I much prefer being by myself, and while I enjoy social occasions and can feel very mentally buoyed by them especially if I've been a bit low, they do often leave me feeling quite drained (before having kids, I had a limit of how many times I could see other people per week before feeling overwhelmed). I'll often leave places early or find an excuse not to go.
I'm obsessed with dates and can remember them easily, I never forget a birthday. When I meet someone I like to know how old they are so I know that they were x age when I was x age; when I'm watching something set in the past I immediately go through all the things I / my family were doing at that particular point in time. In the days before mobiles, I knew everyone's phone numbers.
I hate clothes and find so many things uncomfortable, to the point of anxiety e.g. if something has a tight neckline or sleeves. Don't wear jewellery except a wedding ring. I've had countless mornings where I've ended up crying hysterically because something doesn't feel right and I can't get ready for work, especially in my 20s and 30s (bit more chill now I'm in my 40s and probably a bit better at picking things I know will be comfy). If I find something I like, I'll wear it until it falls apart (or buy it in several colours). My step-dad used to joke about me getting excited by the same style of plain t shirt.
At work, I find it very hard to concentrate in meetings and will find my mind wandering all the time, so I can't follow what's been said, or remember it afterwards. Constantly doodling and have to be busy with my hands. I also struggle to grasp concepts which aren't very tangible - I used to work in customer service and was very good at that as serving customers and dealing with systems all come very naturally to me. But in an office role, I really struggle to stay focussed on what my actual job is, get sidetracked very easily by simple tasks, and even a few years into my current employment I feel like my grasp of what I'm actually meant to be doing is quite hazy; even after having helpful chats with my manager, I'll literally walk away from the meeting and be unable to articulate what my purpose is. I also struggle to get 'into' a piece of work - once I'm focussed I can keep going and going, but if I'm distracted that's it and I can't get back 'in' again. I'm not ambitious or career-driven, even though I'm the main breadwinner (just coming to the end of mat leave now) - I don't really understand the world of work, it often just feels like a mystery to me.
Often someone will be talking to me and I'll realise I've been thinking about something completely different. I can't listen to audiobooks for the same reason, and can only listen to podcasts when running with no other distractions. But I can concentrate easily on a book! And I love books of all kinds, fiction and non-fiction, poetry, graphic novels. I'm a bit obsessed with acquiring new books, recording what I've read, preparing little reading lists for myself, ensuring I 'tick' my own little reading boxes e.g. if I read a novel I should read some non-fiction afterwards, if I read something by a white male author I should follow it up with something by a diverse female author, and so on.
I love routine and do things in exactly the same way every day, and I plan everything meticulously - I sometimes joke to myself that if I could plan literally my entire life in advance I would do (although then I'd be miserable as I'd have nothing to plan and wouldn't know what to do with myself).
Most negatively, while I'm usually very calm and happy (on the outside at least!) I really struggle with my temper and when I'm feeling really anxious or tired or like things are out of my control I'll lash out in ways which are completely disproportionate to the situation (although I'm great in an emergency - go figure). I try hard to breathe, calm myself down etc but its like something takes over me and I can't rein it in. This is never in public, only ever with the people I'm closest to - so used to be my siblings (not my parents, as I was terrified of my step-dad and a little bit scared of my emotionally distant mum!) and is now my DH and kids.
Sorry this is SO long, but my AIBU is, am I reading too much into quirks which are totally normal and how loads of people feel (but just aren't saying)? I hate people self-diagnosing as much as the next person but feel like I can't get my head round what's 'normal' or not any more!
YABU - this is all totally normal
YANBU - sounds like there could be something else going on