Am I overthinking these quirks/behaviours?

[caaamhs]

My eldest DC (6) has recently been referred for suspected ASD. Before starting school, I didn't see her behaviour as anything other than on the more intense side of normal (high needs baby, sensitive toddler, rage-filled 4/5yo!). But now she's been referred it's making me question some things. My middle child (4) is completely different, very emotionally engaged, responsive, not as sensitive, not as obsessive... I actually find it quite hard parenting him sometimes as I'm so used to my eldest's quirks and have realised belatedly we perhaps didn't have a 'normal' early years experience with her. Youngest is still a baby and while less chill than my son, not as intense as my daughter was (although that's probably more to do with me than her!).

Anyway, I've had lots of chats with the school's SENCO and it's flagging up all kinds of things in our wider family, but also specifically for me.

I've always felt like an outsider. Have friends, but not many - and haven't made any new friends in the best part of 20 years, just acquaintances (not people I hang out with or see regularly). And yet I'm friendly and well liked - just not good at getting close to people beyond the superficial. I'm not sure of what the expectations are of 'being a friend' and have to remind myself to do things like check in (although I'm excellent at buying presents).

Everyone I knew as a teenager / young adult described me as 'not a hugger' - my family were not very tactile growing up, and mum has told me I 'stopped hugging her' when she was pregnant with my brother. I've grown more used to it over the years and now do sometimes hug people upon meeting / saying goodbye and so on, although am never quite sure when it's appropriate or not (and don't get me started on kissing cheeks, which I always mess up - one or two?!). But I'm very tactile with my kids and we all hug all the time, my DH a little less so and he complains that I'm cold and not touchy-feely enough. I do love a cuddle but have to be in the right frame of mind, otherwise I just feel awkward and sort of impatient?

I'm intelligent and did well at school/college/uni, read lots of books, but often feel like I don't actually understand the world and other people. I pretend an awful lot that I do and just hope that by gradual osmosis I'll pick up on what's going on. But often even the simplest things either feel inscrutable to me, or I just don't understand how other people know them. Kind of like I've missed a set of instructions somewhere along the line.

I'm very good at observing people from the outside and understanding their motivation etc - I have a very good 'gut instinct' for people and can give excellent advice to others on how to handle situations. But I'm not very good in actual interactions and often misread things or get them wrong. I don't understand how these two things can be true at the same time and feel I should be able to apply my objective appraisal to my everyday interactions, but don't seem to be able to!

I do enjoy being around people, love having a chat/gossip with the people I'm closest to at work, can be quite funny and sometimes even the centre of attention, and have got better at small talk over the years - I try to watch what other people do and copy what I see working. I chat to parents on the school run. But I have a tendency to massively overshare and will tell pretty much everyone all my business - I have to actively monitor what I'm saying but even then I'll often just keep running my mouth and then feel embarrassed afterwards. Ultimately I much prefer being by myself, and while I enjoy social occasions and can feel very mentally buoyed by them especially if I've been a bit low, they do often leave me feeling quite drained (before having kids, I had a limit of how many times I could see other people per week before feeling overwhelmed). I'll often leave places early or find an excuse not to go.

I'm obsessed with dates and can remember them easily, I never forget a birthday. When I meet someone I like to know how old they are so I know that they were x age when I was x age; when I'm watching something set in the past I immediately go through all the things I / my family were doing at that particular point in time. In the days before mobiles, I knew everyone's phone numbers.

I hate clothes and find so many things uncomfortable, to the point of anxiety e.g. if something has a tight neckline or sleeves. Don't wear jewellery except a wedding ring. I've had countless mornings where I've ended up crying hysterically because something doesn't feel right and I can't get ready for work, especially in my 20s and 30s (bit more chill now I'm in my 40s and probably a bit better at picking things I know will be comfy). If I find something I like, I'll wear it until it falls apart (or buy it in several colours). My step-dad used to joke about me getting excited by the same style of plain t shirt.

At work, I find it very hard to concentrate in meetings and will find my mind wandering all the time, so I can't follow what's been said, or remember it afterwards. Constantly doodling and have to be busy with my hands. I also struggle to grasp concepts which aren't very tangible - I used to work in customer service and was very good at that as serving customers and dealing with systems all come very naturally to me. But in an office role, I really struggle to stay focussed on what my actual job is, get sidetracked very easily by simple tasks, and even a few years into my current employment I feel like my grasp of what I'm actually meant to be doing is quite hazy; even after having helpful chats with my manager, I'll literally walk away from the meeting and be unable to articulate what my purpose is. I also struggle to get 'into' a piece of work - once I'm focussed I can keep going and going, but if I'm distracted that's it and I can't get back 'in' again. I'm not ambitious or career-driven, even though I'm the main breadwinner (just coming to the end of mat leave now) - I don't really understand the world of work, it often just feels like a mystery to me.

Often someone will be talking to me and I'll realise I've been thinking about something completely different. I can't listen to audiobooks for the same reason, and can only listen to podcasts when running with no other distractions. But I can concentrate easily on a book! And I love books of all kinds, fiction and non-fiction, poetry, graphic novels. I'm a bit obsessed with acquiring new books, recording what I've read, preparing little reading lists for myself, ensuring I 'tick' my own little reading boxes e.g. if I read a novel I should read some non-fiction afterwards, if I read something by a white male author I should follow it up with something by a diverse female author, and so on.

I love routine and do things in exactly the same way every day, and I plan everything meticulously - I sometimes joke to myself that if I could plan literally my entire life in advance I would do (although then I'd be miserable as I'd have nothing to plan and wouldn't know what to do with myself).

Most negatively, while I'm usually very calm and happy (on the outside at least!) I really struggle with my temper and when I'm feeling really anxious or tired or like things are out of my control I'll lash out in ways which are completely disproportionate to the situation (although I'm great in an emergency - go figure). I try hard to breathe, calm myself down etc but its like something takes over me and I can't rein it in. This is never in public, only ever with the people I'm closest to - so used to be my siblings (not my parents, as I was terrified of my step-dad and a little bit scared of my emotionally distant mum!) and is now my DH and kids.

Sorry this is SO long, but my AIBU is, am I reading too much into quirks which are totally normal and how loads of people feel (but just aren't saying)? I hate people self-diagnosing as much as the next person but feel like I can't get my head round what's 'normal' or not any more!

YABU - this is all totally normal
YANBU - sounds like there could be something else going on

Another one here who recognises a lot of myself in what you have written. My Dd (just turned 18) has just received an ASD diagnosis and her assessments have made me think hard about myself and my family. I really think my mother is autistic (and she has just hit some severe MH problems in old age), I don't think I am but I suspect nature has provided me with some of the traits and nurture has made me learn/be comfortable with certain behaviours, which I then didn't recognise as unusual in my Dd. She's an only child so no comparison at home.

I'm having counselling through work for a specific issue, its only for 6 sessions. Not sure why they think I'll magically be better after such few sessions but I'll wait and see what they suggest at the end.
I've had private counselling too and that's much more of an ongoing thing, which I found useful at a certain point of my life.
I think it can really help to sort out how you feel about things and get things off your chest to someone without having to reciprocate like you would with a friend.

I could have written every single word of your post (hey, get out of my brain!!) and I was diagnosed as autistic at the start of last year, age 40. I’m an extremely effective masker. I strongly suspect it for my daughter too... Turns out my mum had considered it when I was at school but never pursued it - it just wasn’t the done thing in the 90s especially with no accompanying behavioural or academic issues, and so I remained a brainy, obsessive, highly anxious, socially odd kid…

My youngest was flagged with difficulties in year 1. As he went through the diagnosis process everything I read about that applied to him also applied to me. He was diagnosed autistic and with inattentive type adhd. I've been diagnosed autistic, I probably have adhd too, but really can't go through all the diagnosis stuff again. It took me years to seek out my autism one (I went private in the end to avoid having to first phone my GP, and then explain why, also worried about rejection)

You sound so so much like, I got my diagnoses recently but suspect I also have ADHD like my youngest.

I'm autistic and I can strongly relate to what you've written but I also have some more "classical" signs too

I would think very carefully about whether you actually want to know for sure - I spent most of my life thinking I was slightly "on the spectrum" but to be formally diagnosed with "proper" autism as an adult really challenged my perception of myself and was very hard to come to terms with.
It's funny because I think if I'd not been diagnosed at my assessment I probably would have struggled with that too- like I was just "weird" and needed to "pull myself together" so maybe a bit of a lose-lose

That said my diagnosis has enabled me to access reasonable adjustments at work which have been life-changing

There's no reason why you can't treat yourself kindly and use "autistic" techniques regardless of whether you have autistic traits, undiagnosed autism or are just a bit different. My husband has a lot of ADHD traits but probably doesn't quite meet the full diagnosis, and isn't keen on assesment anyway. When he constantly interrupts me, reminding myself that it's just part of who he is (and not that he doesn't give a shit about what I'm saying) helps me to not strangle him

Have a look in the neurodiverse mumsnetter part of the forum = lots of stories of how to get diagnosis as an adult & finding out when older etc

www.mumsnet.com/talk/neurodiverse_mumsnetters

I looked at a few online tests recently and this one embrace-autism.com/raads-r/#test seems to be the best I could find judging by the questions. I scored 103 on it for comparison.

Thank you all so much, I'm finding this very very helpful and validating! Also heartened (?) to know others feel so similarly x

You're very similar to me. I'm autistic with adhd. Adhd meds have transformed my life after 52 years of anxiety. I like the new lens I look through. Instead of thinking I was rubbish at life, I discovered that I was actually pretty brilliant at it, just in my own way.

I have had a lifetime of high anxiety but never knew that feeling and behaviour was anxiety. Obviously never got any kind or compassionate parenting to help cope.

I relate to so much of this and have been wondering the same. I’m really hesitant to jump on the band wagon because getting an adult diagnosis for neuro-diversity seems like something everyone is doing at the moment, but so so much of this chimes with me and has been making me unhappy. And an old school friend recently joked that my kid seems totally unaware of what’s going on around him which isn’t a surprise given that I’m his parent. And I am beginning to wonder whether a diagnosis would be helpful.

This is me. I'm autistic with ADHD, and my 3 children are the same.

Senco has also pointed out that my DH seems to display some traits common to autistic men - it's made me think (slightly) more kindly of his inability to talk about anything other than his special interests and his anxiety in certain social situations.

The more I've thought about it, the more I've realised my closest friends (of which I have two) are almost certainly on the spectrum. One has an autistic child and the other an autistic elder sibling.

Guessing there's an element of like attracts like to some of this? Both DH and I have always shared that sense of being 'different'. And his siblings have always been very 'odd' in slightly different ways which I'm now understanding a lot more.

Siblings and I suspect our mum might also be on the spectrum.

Fair to say my head has been blown the last month or so!

That's interesting to hear - although sorry to hear your mum has been struggling with mental health issues in later life.

We have a similar thing with our DD in that we had no comparisons really until her brother was a bit older, and then when she started school.

Thank you for replying. I agree it seems ridiculous to expect that such a short course would make any difference. I had cbt once which was 12 sessions and in fairness was very helpful but as you say, I just want somewhere I can talk and work through stuff.

So many of us seem to feel the same! I think I may need to have a conversation with my mum to see what she thinks, the whole family are certainly more open minded than they used to be now they've experienced neurodiversity in the family itself.

Not surprising that you wouldnt want to go through that again. I know our doctor would dismiss me as he tends to do that... funnily enough he takes my DH very seriously 🙄

Thank you for sharing your experience. I can completely see how you're sort of damned if you do get a diagnosis and damned if you don't. And as you say, nothing wrong with just accepting differences and treating yourself/others as if you had a diagnosis, it's helped me think about my DH and certain friends and colleagues differently and see their quirks more kindly, even though they'll never be interested in pursuing any kind of diagnosis.

Thank you, I will! I didn't want to intrude on that area and be someone who's 'symptom spotting' and inadvertently cause offense but I'll take a look.

Wow this sounds so much like me too. And my little boy is autistic!

Sorry to hear that @RandomMess. I've similarly realised only in the last year or two that I experience anxiety, because it presents so differently to those I know with anxiety I didn't recognise it. I was always a very unhappy child and teenager and used to self harm and as a young adult had big problems with alcohol, all of which I think were just a result of not knowing how to 'be' in the world. I'm in a much better place now and am kinder to myself (and don't drink!!) but I've always wondered why I was so unhappy, and I now see that same general unhappiness in DD which breaks my heart but I'm also glad I understand and that we're starting to put together a support network and plan.

Trying to really to everyone, sorry if I miss you but I really really appreciate your replies!

You sound like me, I'm now on the very slow pathway to ASD diagnosis.

You’re similar to me and I’m autistic. I have spreadsheets for books I’ve read and a very long checklist of tasks I need to do every day. I’m actually terribly disorganised so I have systems to keep me organised and I’m quite obsessed with sticking to them. It still goes wrong and I often put off very small tasks for months on end because I get a sort of block. I do the oversharing thing too and the drifting off when someone’s talking because I’ve suddenly remembered something.

As a child I was selectively mute, barely ate, was very anxious and I never seemed to know what was going on. I’ve realised that I didn’t listen to or read instructions and I don’t process verbal information very well. I’ve discovered that I can follow a film better with subtitles.

I am pretty sociable now but I’m very choosy with friends and most of them are ND or interesting in some way. I have discovered that dressing appropriately and nicely is very important for my confidence and kind of smooths the way in social interactions because people make assumptions. If I look nice they treat me better.

My youngest DS who was diagnosed at ten….typical mathematician/programmer and it was apparent very early on. My other son isn’t diagnosed but he has inattentive ADHD. I’d say he’s autistic but his communication skills are slightly better that youngest DS. I was diagnosed about 8 years ago with Asperger’s.

People on here will say that we shouldn’t diagnose ourselves or others but I consider myself an expert, as do many autistics.