Am I overthinking these quirks/behaviours?

[caaamhs]

My eldest DC (6) has recently been referred for suspected ASD. Before starting school, I didn't see her behaviour as anything other than on the more intense side of normal (high needs baby, sensitive toddler, rage-filled 4/5yo!). But now she's been referred it's making me question some things. My middle child (4) is completely different, very emotionally engaged, responsive, not as sensitive, not as obsessive... I actually find it quite hard parenting him sometimes as I'm so used to my eldest's quirks and have realised belatedly we perhaps didn't have a 'normal' early years experience with her. Youngest is still a baby and while less chill than my son, not as intense as my daughter was (although that's probably more to do with me than her!).

Anyway, I've had lots of chats with the school's SENCO and it's flagging up all kinds of things in our wider family, but also specifically for me.

I've always felt like an outsider. Have friends, but not many - and haven't made any new friends in the best part of 20 years, just acquaintances (not people I hang out with or see regularly). And yet I'm friendly and well liked - just not good at getting close to people beyond the superficial. I'm not sure of what the expectations are of 'being a friend' and have to remind myself to do things like check in (although I'm excellent at buying presents).

Everyone I knew as a teenager / young adult described me as 'not a hugger' - my family were not very tactile growing up, and mum has told me I 'stopped hugging her' when she was pregnant with my brother. I've grown more used to it over the years and now do sometimes hug people upon meeting / saying goodbye and so on, although am never quite sure when it's appropriate or not (and don't get me started on kissing cheeks, which I always mess up - one or two?!). But I'm very tactile with my kids and we all hug all the time, my DH a little less so and he complains that I'm cold and not touchy-feely enough. I do love a cuddle but have to be in the right frame of mind, otherwise I just feel awkward and sort of impatient?

I'm intelligent and did well at school/college/uni, read lots of books, but often feel like I don't actually understand the world and other people. I pretend an awful lot that I do and just hope that by gradual osmosis I'll pick up on what's going on. But often even the simplest things either feel inscrutable to me, or I just don't understand how other people know them. Kind of like I've missed a set of instructions somewhere along the line.

I'm very good at observing people from the outside and understanding their motivation etc - I have a very good 'gut instinct' for people and can give excellent advice to others on how to handle situations. But I'm not very good in actual interactions and often misread things or get them wrong. I don't understand how these two things can be true at the same time and feel I should be able to apply my objective appraisal to my everyday interactions, but don't seem to be able to!

I do enjoy being around people, love having a chat/gossip with the people I'm closest to at work, can be quite funny and sometimes even the centre of attention, and have got better at small talk over the years - I try to watch what other people do and copy what I see working. I chat to parents on the school run. But I have a tendency to massively overshare and will tell pretty much everyone all my business - I have to actively monitor what I'm saying but even then I'll often just keep running my mouth and then feel embarrassed afterwards. Ultimately I much prefer being by myself, and while I enjoy social occasions and can feel very mentally buoyed by them especially if I've been a bit low, they do often leave me feeling quite drained (before having kids, I had a limit of how many times I could see other people per week before feeling overwhelmed). I'll often leave places early or find an excuse not to go.

I'm obsessed with dates and can remember them easily, I never forget a birthday. When I meet someone I like to know how old they are so I know that they were x age when I was x age; when I'm watching something set in the past I immediately go through all the things I / my family were doing at that particular point in time. In the days before mobiles, I knew everyone's phone numbers.

I hate clothes and find so many things uncomfortable, to the point of anxiety e.g. if something has a tight neckline or sleeves. Don't wear jewellery except a wedding ring. I've had countless mornings where I've ended up crying hysterically because something doesn't feel right and I can't get ready for work, especially in my 20s and 30s (bit more chill now I'm in my 40s and probably a bit better at picking things I know will be comfy). If I find something I like, I'll wear it until it falls apart (or buy it in several colours). My step-dad used to joke about me getting excited by the same style of plain t shirt.

At work, I find it very hard to concentrate in meetings and will find my mind wandering all the time, so I can't follow what's been said, or remember it afterwards. Constantly doodling and have to be busy with my hands. I also struggle to grasp concepts which aren't very tangible - I used to work in customer service and was very good at that as serving customers and dealing with systems all come very naturally to me. But in an office role, I really struggle to stay focussed on what my actual job is, get sidetracked very easily by simple tasks, and even a few years into my current employment I feel like my grasp of what I'm actually meant to be doing is quite hazy; even after having helpful chats with my manager, I'll literally walk away from the meeting and be unable to articulate what my purpose is. I also struggle to get 'into' a piece of work - once I'm focussed I can keep going and going, but if I'm distracted that's it and I can't get back 'in' again. I'm not ambitious or career-driven, even though I'm the main breadwinner (just coming to the end of mat leave now) - I don't really understand the world of work, it often just feels like a mystery to me.

Often someone will be talking to me and I'll realise I've been thinking about something completely different. I can't listen to audiobooks for the same reason, and can only listen to podcasts when running with no other distractions. But I can concentrate easily on a book! And I love books of all kinds, fiction and non-fiction, poetry, graphic novels. I'm a bit obsessed with acquiring new books, recording what I've read, preparing little reading lists for myself, ensuring I 'tick' my own little reading boxes e.g. if I read a novel I should read some non-fiction afterwards, if I read something by a white male author I should follow it up with something by a diverse female author, and so on.

I love routine and do things in exactly the same way every day, and I plan everything meticulously - I sometimes joke to myself that if I could plan literally my entire life in advance I would do (although then I'd be miserable as I'd have nothing to plan and wouldn't know what to do with myself).

Most negatively, while I'm usually very calm and happy (on the outside at least!) I really struggle with my temper and when I'm feeling really anxious or tired or like things are out of my control I'll lash out in ways which are completely disproportionate to the situation (although I'm great in an emergency - go figure). I try hard to breathe, calm myself down etc but its like something takes over me and I can't rein it in. This is never in public, only ever with the people I'm closest to - so used to be my siblings (not my parents, as I was terrified of my step-dad and a little bit scared of my emotionally distant mum!) and is now my DH and kids.

Sorry this is SO long, but my AIBU is, am I reading too much into quirks which are totally normal and how loads of people feel (but just aren't saying)? I hate people self-diagnosing as much as the next person but feel like I can't get my head round what's 'normal' or not any more!

YABU - this is all totally normal
YANBU - sounds like there could be something else going on

You sound like me. I was dx aged 38. It was a surprise and the answer to many issues i’d experienced through my life.

Your OP made me giggle a bit. I took a long bulleted list to my initial assessment. After my dx the psychologist said to me with a smile “NT people don’t write massive lists of all the things that make them autistic”

Read up, get support, redesign your life x

Hahaha that's a good point! Thank you x

I relate to everything you're saying about lists, I have so many lists for things and will still put stuff off for ages, and if I can't do things in a certain order I just won't do them at all.

I work well under pressure... but when I don't have a pressing deadline I cannot stay focussed. Literally every single essay I wrote at uni was started at midnight the night before it was due 😮😬

This is me too, so much!!

I was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago but suspect there's a mix of ASD in there too.

So many things you said rang true, it's incredible.

I'm intrigued by how many of us feel so similarly!

Well, this was the reading equivalent of looking in a mirror! I have diagnoses of ASD and ADHD, btw.

This seems to be a common theme!

I just read an article about how autism presents in women and it did all sound very familiar.

Another one saying you have just described me! Right down to my mother telling me I was a “not a warm child” (thanks Mum 🙄) and disliked being touched. I mean correct in every particular, including being really good at analysing social nuance in others but not myself. I have actually made friends recently but had to force myself (as a SAHP I didn’t have a ready-made social group of work colleagues) and the how much to share and anxiety over whether to hug/kiss on greeting.

I’ve always just assumed I was reserved and socially awkward (although good at putting on a front) but 16yo DS has just started on the diagnostic pathway for ADHD and/or ASD so maybe not. Either way I have nothing helpful to offer but really interesting reading this thread and seeing how many are in a similar boat.

Interesting.
I recognise myself in some of this, but my screening scores for autism have always been resolutely low...

I've taken the tests to prove DH has it if you see what I mean 😁👍

OMG, I think you're me...I could have written this! I suspect I'm autistic but it just wasn't diagnosed in little girls who were excellent at masking back in the 90s. I keep thinking about pursuing a diagnosis but I'm actually afraid they'll tell me I don't have it and then there's no reason for the way I am. I don't mind being ND but what if I'm NT but just weird?

@BaroldandNedmund You’re similar to me and I’m autistic. I have spreadsheets for books I’ve read and a very long checklist of tasks I need to do every day. I’m actually terribly disorganised so I have systems to keep me organised and I’m quite obsessed with sticking to them. It still goes wrong and I often put off very small tasks for months on end because I get a sort of block. I do the oversharing thing too and the drifting off when someone’s talking because I’ve suddenly remembered something.

This sounds like ADHD to me. I completely relate to the putting things off as you have a block on starting them, for me I can't start unless I can do it absolutely perfectly or unless the deadline is immediate! DS has ADHD and the more I learn about it the more it explains my childhood, and me now.

Me too, op just summed me up, crikey, a great post, I'm following with interest too.

I am so similar on so many points. I differ a bit with work - I have good concentration and excellent attention to detail and have found a job that really plays to my strengths.

I am very rigid in my thinking and find it tricky to change plans. The very idea of being late for anything gives me a lot of stress. I struggle to understand why people take emotional rather than logic-based decisions.

As a child I remember asking my parents if I was different (they said not) and wondering if my school was secretly one for children with additional needs. It was only when I left with good GCSEs I thought that maybe I was normal after all.

I’ve been wondering these last few years if maybe I do have autism as I’ve watched one of my daughters grow up similarly awkward, like I was.

I'm thinking the same thing.

As a baby I was apparently very happy unless someone tried to cuddle me.

The listening making me go off on other thoughts, the lot.

I've suspected for a while I am on the spectrum.

I've got a diagnosed son and a daughter going through assessment right now x
When our son was diagnosed I immediately looked at his father and thought yep he gets it from you!
My son is severe but his dad wouldn't benefit from a diagnosis as he's very very high functioning and his quirks are sometimes challenging but they definitely help him in day to day life (his memory is off the scale).
Our daughter would be described as high functioning but faces the biggest challenges as her needs are not taken seriously because she masks her difficulties.

I nodded my way through your entire description of yourself and how you interact! It was eerily similar to mine.

It is only since I (belatedly) realised my children are not NT, and nor is my husband, that a light-bulb flashed on and I realised - 'Ah, me too! Of course!' and so many things started to make sense in my life. I'm in my mid-50s, my children are now grown up and doing fine. But it's made me realise that I wasn't an alien, growing up, even though I never felt I properly fitted in anywhere. Realising that I might be just wired differently has certainly been an enlightening experience, and something to work through and with.
Wishing you all the very best!

Well, phew! I recognise so much of what you've written OP! I've been considering starting formal assessment for ADHD myself but by the sounds if it I might be autistic too! I have a son who's on the pathway for ASD diagnosis, I suspect ADHD in him as well as my daughter. My sister thinks she might be autistic and has said for a while our dad probably is, too. DH has said he and his brother would have been diagnosed with something if assessment had been more widely accessible back in his day.. it all seems to be coming together nicely, ha!
I feel socially awkward but easily overshare, I like lists but not sticking to them as there is a mental block in starting tasks (hello executive dysfunction), I'm anxious about a lot of things, including being late but unable to stop myself from just doing these few little things (and BAM, I'm late again or borderline late due to sheer luck). I'm anxious about sleeping enough but can't get to bed on time as there's always something to do. Since starting work last year after being a SAHP for 9 years I've really struggled with the organisation of all things family and home related. DH does what he can but really underestimates how much I struggle despite me literally telling him. I've realised I can't take verbal instructions very well and prefer to read things so they can stick around in my brain. Also prefer subtitles when watching anything (maybe also partly due to English, whilst being my main language now, is still not my first language).
Sigh.. now how to start trucking my brain into contacting GP for any assessment... 😬

The one thing I absolutely hate about my condition is the procrastination.

I always said I'd write a ofcom on it.....
But I ever got around to it.

*book!

😅

I'm late leaving the house for literally everything, even if I'm up hours before. Drives DH mad!

One of the few differences between your description of you and what I'm like is the hugging thing. I think I was very affectionate as a child, definitely with my parents anyway.
As an adult I'm only "politely" huggy with anyone apart from my partner.

You sound just like me. Welcome to the diverse side 😁

I’m also a big fan of subtitles! Always have used them, even as a child - and English is my first language.

It seems ridiculous but I just can’t seem to hear what’s being said on TV, even though my hearing is perfect. I struggle at the cinema too but can listen to the radio just fine.

This is like a description of me! Thank you, OP. Lots to think about.