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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DPs expensive new car... AIBU?

98 replies

Lro · 31/01/2023 10:44

DP and I have three children between us, and are expecting our fourth in a couple of months. I have a small, but nice car that is on a cheap finance deal, I will own it outright in a year. DP originally took out a cheap finance deal for a similar small, nice car. This isn't the ideal scenario; it means whenever DP has his children we will need to use two cars for days out, trips away etc. The boot of my car isn't massive, so it also means the buggy will take over the whole thing, leaving no room for anything else. I wasn't bothered by any of this though, because we had decided we would both have cheap cars and make these sacrifices to save money.

Today, DP has said he no longer wants the cheap, small car he'd agreed to finance, and has doubled the finance budget. He wants to get a sporty, posher model car. We can afford this, that's not the issue, but we will no longer be saving money. My argument is, if we are now doubling the finance budget, we should get a bigger car that can accommodate all of us. He's adamant that he wants to get a sporty, posh car even though it's impractical.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2023 12:07

Why are you with this twat? There is no way this is the only example of his stupidity and selfishness.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/01/2023 12:11

Do you have three (nearly 4) children together plus the ones of his you have for weekends? Or are his included in the 4?

Surely you need a people carrier?

GoChasingWaterfalls · 31/01/2023 12:12

He wants to get a sporty, posher model car. We can afford this, that's not the issue, but we will no longer be saving money.

I would argue that you can't afford it if it means that you would no longer be saving because this potentially leaves you unable to cover unexpected spends such as an appliance breaking, car breakdown, etc etc.

cpphelp · 31/01/2023 12:14

I'd be telling him the sportiest he's going to get is an Smax Vignale

cpphelp · 31/01/2023 12:15

Or he can take the kids out on his own, three in the back, one in the front, and you'll be at home relaxing

MangoBiscuit · 31/01/2023 12:16

I think this depends entirely on how you organise your finances. If you both earn similar amounts, split all costs fairly, neither of you is disadvantaged by doing more childcare than the other, etc, then what you both do with your left over money is up to you.

However, if your finances are more intertwined, or one of you is doing more childcare and earning less without being compensated by the other, then this would need to be carefully planned so that your DP's splurging on a fancy car doesn't negatively impact you. And it is splurging, because unless he gets one big enough to make a difference to your logistics as a family, then he's just spending extra because he feels like it. That sort of thing comes from personal spending, not the family budget.

FWIW, my DP has a much nicer, newer car than I do. I had nothing to do with the finance decisions, that's all on him. But equally, paying for it is all on him.

Happygone · 31/01/2023 12:16

Taking 2 cats on a day out is ridiculous. He needs to get a car that fits all of you.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2023 12:17

So he wants to use family money, to buy something that benefits purely him, without your agreement. That's what it boils down to. And if you can no longer save it, it sounds like you cant afford it anyway. What a nob.

araiwa · 31/01/2023 12:18

Rs6 Avant would be a great family car. Very sporty too

Mx5 less so

PousseyNotMoira · 31/01/2023 12:19

He's adamant that he wants to get a sporty, posh car even though it's impractical.

What’s his justification for this?

C8H10N4O2 · 31/01/2023 12:19

If it leaves you unable to save anything for emergencies then he needs to grow up and recognise that he doesn't earn enough to have a vanity car alongside four young children.

Are you married and how are your finances generally split/managed?

Ilikewinter · 31/01/2023 12:23

What car is he thinking of getting? A 2 seater, obviously no way but there are some really nice, larger sporty cars.
It sounds like set up with 2 small cars was impractical anyway!

SerenaTee · 31/01/2023 12:26

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/01/2023 12:17

So he wants to use family money, to buy something that benefits purely him, without your agreement. That's what it boils down to. And if you can no longer save it, it sounds like you cant afford it anyway. What a nob.

This in a nutshell for me. I’d be asking him:

  1. Why does he get to decide to increase the finance budget?

  2. Why does he get to take all increased finance budget to buy a new car?

  3. Why doesn’t he want to change to have at least 1 family car?

  4. How will you save money now?

Nextlevelnonsense · 31/01/2023 12:27

@Happygone - yes. Taking 2 cats for a day out is mad. I take a herd.
Grin

Back to topic OP.
My ex husband decided to trade in our 7 seater for a sports car. Without telling me.
Angry
4 kids between us.

Then we found out I was pregnant.
It wasn't the best situation.

Original poster
Lro · 31/01/2023 12:32

Both the car we currently have (mine, smallish 5 seater) and the initial car he was going to get (similar size to mine) are around £250 each on finance. We considered swapping them in for one car between us, but for a large 7 car on finance we'd be looking at a minimum of £400, and really we need two cars. So that's why we settled on having the two small cars, even though it will be a pain in the arse every other weekend when he has his kids and in the holiday periods when they come to stay for weeks at a time. Any days out (to town, grandparents, theme parks) would need to be done in two cars, but it was a compromise to be cost effective.

Now, he has raised his personal budget to £500 so he can get a (still small!) sporty and posh model car. Think along the lines of a high spec audi, BMW, Tesla. My argument is, if the budget is raised that much, we should get a bigger car that fits everyone in.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/01/2023 12:32

He must realise you'll need a family car.
I can only guess he's hoping to escape family life in it
Incredibly selfish and short sighted

blippyissilly · 31/01/2023 12:34

The mature thing to do would be to have something that six people can fit in and a smaller car for when there's less of you going somewhere

pattihews · 31/01/2023 12:35

Not being unreasonable at all, OP. At this stage of your life with young children you need a practical car that can swallow a buggy and all the other gear you need for a day out. A friend has just bought a Touran and it's really comfortable and spacious. Massive boot that can, when necessary, be turned into a third row of seats and still have a good amount of boot space. Ideal for a family.

TravellingJack · 31/01/2023 12:35

Even Ex-H who was a dick in many ways got rid of his sporty 2-seater when DS was little... hung onto it as long as he could but even he realised we both needed practical cars! (helped along by not wanting to use my car as was too 'girly').

Do you know anyone with a 2-seater you could borrow for a short while? I'd be very tempted to arrive home in it instead of your car, or at least have it parked outside (and yours nowhere to be seen) when he gets home one day and just be all innocent 'oh well after you said we can choose whatever we want, without having to consider our family's needs, I saw this and thought what a bargain! So I've exchanged my car, it's another £400 a month for this one but isn't she a beaut!'

If he kicks off, ask him why he gets to have a fancy impractical car but you have to have the practical boring one... can't both of you be equally selfish? No? Why exactly is that...

deeperthanallroses · 31/01/2023 12:39

So he wants £250 (a month? I don’t know much about car payments) extra just to support his penis? Where’s your £250 a month? I bet there are some things you’d love to do with that. It’s purely vanity spend so you have to find it for both of you or neither of you.

Next weekend, put the baby seat in the car or a bag to take its place, take your dc and go out somewhere fun. Tell him sure you can all go you just need to take the other car. Not my problem. Nothing fun will ever again happen for all the dc without him along too to drive.

palelavender · 31/01/2023 12:40

There's something a bit pathetic about a man shortly to have a fourth child in the household buying a sports car.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 31/01/2023 12:44

Will this mid life crisis fit his kids in? Because you need your car & there's no way he's using it for his own benefit whilst you are stuck with his unusable posh car on the drive.

Ridiculous & selfish. He is a father & needs to grow up.

Bananalanacake · 31/01/2023 12:44

But can you fit a full load of supermarket shopping in the boot of the sporty car?

PousseyNotMoira · 31/01/2023 12:46

Lro · 31/01/2023 12:32

Both the car we currently have (mine, smallish 5 seater) and the initial car he was going to get (similar size to mine) are around £250 each on finance. We considered swapping them in for one car between us, but for a large 7 car on finance we'd be looking at a minimum of £400, and really we need two cars. So that's why we settled on having the two small cars, even though it will be a pain in the arse every other weekend when he has his kids and in the holiday periods when they come to stay for weeks at a time. Any days out (to town, grandparents, theme parks) would need to be done in two cars, but it was a compromise to be cost effective.

Now, he has raised his personal budget to £500 so he can get a (still small!) sporty and posh model car. Think along the lines of a high spec audi, BMW, Tesla. My argument is, if the budget is raised that much, we should get a bigger car that fits everyone in.

What’s his argument, though? You haven’t told us. How is he justifying this?

CheeseFiend40 · 31/01/2023 12:46

He must have a very fragile ego to think he needs some sporty car to make himself feel good! If he suddenly has a bigger budget then he 100% needs to get a practical family car that fits you all in. You need to educate him that neither car will change the size of his manhood, however getting the sporty car will absolutely make him a prick!