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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband lifts

61 replies

Golightly133 · 31/01/2023 08:39

I run my dp to the station every morning @6:45. I have my own business normally. Start around 10 am - this is physical work & can be long hours and sometimes I don’t get home till 9pm he gets home around 6-7pm and very often waits for me to come home to cook our tea ( which silently infuriates me)
He has a a health condition that doesn’t allow him to drive. This week I mentioned maybe him getting a taxi, and is he is so angry he feels let down and belittled my job and my life really and has threatened to remove any support he gives me regarding my job. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:
neverknowinglyunreasonable · 31/01/2023 08:41

Getting home at 9pm and being expected to cook should loudly and vocally infuriate you.

Rosei · 31/01/2023 08:42

So you have to start your day really early for him, and finish your day really late because he won't help with the evening meal? No you're not being unreasonable, he is.

HappyintheHills · 31/01/2023 08:42

Why are you silent about his failure to support you at the end of the day when you support him at the beginning of the day?

UdoU · 31/01/2023 08:43

Why can’t he get a bus or walk or bike to the station/workplace?

Why does he sit on his lazy arse and expect you to cook?

What support does he give you, I don’t understand?

Dodecaheidyin · 31/01/2023 08:43

From what you've said you weren't unreasonable.

Do he ever do anything for you? How does he treat you generally?

The fact he reacted in anger and proceeded to belittle your work and your life is very telling.

user1494050295 · 31/01/2023 08:43

Does his condition prevent him from cooking

nurseynursery · 31/01/2023 08:44

If he needs the lift from you in the morning he should at least have tea ready for you at 9pm. You're both working very long days and are probably knackered. (You more than him!)

Jengnr · 31/01/2023 08:46

What support can he withdraw?

Original poster
Golightly133 · 31/01/2023 08:47

he Can cook, he just says he didn’t know what I would want or he wasn’t hungry but is now

He will put washing in my job creates lots of laundry and he will wash and dry that for me he will do the house work etc if I leave a list at the weekend when I am out x

OP posts:
AnaBananas · 31/01/2023 08:51

How does he get home from the station - surely he can make his own way to the station if he can make his own way back home?

user1494050295 · 31/01/2023 08:52

so Tell him he is to make xxxx for dinner. Every time

Original poster
Golightly133 · 31/01/2023 08:53

He gets a bus or a taxi I hadn’t thought of that but yes he makes it home x

OP posts:
Original poster
Golightly133 · 31/01/2023 08:55

I could do a meal plan - my theory is no one tells me what to cook I just do it but yes this would be a good starting point

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 31/01/2023 09:01

He needs to be told what housework needs doing?
He needs to be told what to cook?
sounds like strategic incompetence to me.
Does he have a responsible job?

SBHon · 31/01/2023 09:03

he will do the house work etc if I leave a list at the weekend when I am out
He needs a list to know what housework needs doing in his own house that he’s been living in for however long?

He’s playing you. It’s strategic incompetence to get out of the mental load, and in the case of cooking the evening meals, doing the work at all.

Stop doing everything for him. Don’t write a chore request list, don’t write a shopping list, don’t write a meal plan or tell him what to cook.

Divebar2021 · 31/01/2023 09:03

OMG the dinner thing would drive me nuts… I do the food shopping and the meal planning and I write the meals on the family calendar. I don’t care if my DH deviates from that. I did this in response to “ I didn’t know what we were having” lameness when I walked in from work at 8.00pm. Once or twice I stomped off for a bath and I had nothing because it was so late and he hadn’t cooked anything. He got the gist.

Original poster
Golightly133 · 31/01/2023 09:03

Yes a very responsible job he manages a team of people x

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 31/01/2023 09:04

He doesn’t sound like much of an asset to your life

HappyintheHills · 31/01/2023 09:06

Golightly133 · 31/01/2023 09:03

Yes a very responsible job he manages a team of people x

yep strategic incompetence

OoooohMatron · 31/01/2023 09:07

I wouldn't mind the lift as there is a reasom he can't drive but I'd expect him to cook. Not much teamwork going on here.

plumduck · 31/01/2023 09:08

How did he manage to cook before you came along? He needs to sort that out.

Grincheynewyear · 31/01/2023 09:14

Wasn’t hungry but is now my arse! You still cook and then take for lunch the next day. Or eat the next night. Or give you a double helping. Or freeze it. Why doesn’t he just cook for you!

Personally I’d give him the lift every morning but I’d expect a decent meal (not thought up by me) every evening and him to make the packed lunches for us both.

However he sounds mean disrespecting your job etc.

Nothinglikethebest · 31/01/2023 09:17

Could you take food with you for your “ dinner” or buy something while you are out once or twice. Then eat before you get home about 9pm or a bit later. Then when he expects you to make dinner say that you’re not hungry and go off for a shower and bed. Being left hungry might make him think about the absurdity of him sitting from 6-7pm waiting for you to come home at 9 to make his dinner.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 31/01/2023 09:23

Sod that, I would come home and cook for myself and leave him to sort himself.
I'd also stop playing taxi - he can get a taxi or a bus, they start running from 6am some places even earlier.

Hillarious · 31/01/2023 09:23

I would guess the current situation didn't just happen over night and you've both settled into this pattern, like you've settled into the pattern of him doing the washing. Meal plan between you for the week, so he knows what you're expecting. I wouldn't have an issue with the lift in the morning

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