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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband lifts

61 replies

Golightly133 · 31/01/2023 08:39

I run my dp to the station every morning @6:45. I have my own business normally. Start around 10 am - this is physical work & can be long hours and sometimes I don’t get home till 9pm he gets home around 6-7pm and very often waits for me to come home to cook our tea ( which silently infuriates me)
He has a a health condition that doesn’t allow him to drive. This week I mentioned maybe him getting a taxi, and is he is so angry he feels let down and belittled my job and my life really and has threatened to remove any support he gives me regarding my job. Was I unreasonable?

OP posts:

Crumpetdisappointment · 31/01/2023 09:28

of course he needs to cook
when my work got me home late my dh always cooked
i cant believe he isnt hungry before you get home

LumpyandBumps · 31/01/2023 09:45

I can’t imagine starting to cook at 9.00pm, eating, and going to bed in time to be up and out by 6.45am. Don’t you have raging indigestion?

CanofCant · 31/01/2023 09:59

I couldn't put up with this. I don't think it would be extreme of you to just leave. I know it's easy to say that but what do you think your life with him would look like in 5, 10 years? Do you really want to spend your life micromanaging a grown man, writing him a list of jobs and meal plans? You're worth more than that.

He can do it, he just thinks he shouldn't. He would rather sit and wait for three hours for you to make his dinner than do it himself! That's not normal. He doesn't show much love, appreciation or respect towards you either.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/01/2023 10:00

I’d bring a takeaway home and eat it in front of him, pointing out that he’s not hungry.

Slowingdownagain · 31/01/2023 10:04

So you have to get up at latest, say, 6:30 after not getting home before 9pm to drive him to the station? What alternative can he use to get there? How does that impact the time he leaves? I would say unless it means e.g. him havign to leave home at 5am or something silly, there is no reason for you to do this.

But there is NO way I would be cooking dinner for DH if I was getting home at 9pm and he had been home since 5-6pm. If he hadn't cooked I would just sort myself out with a sandwich or something. If he was all of a sudden hungry too then he could do the same.

AtomicRitual · 31/01/2023 10:04

Golightly133 · 31/01/2023 08:55

I could do a meal plan - my theory is no one tells me what to cook I just do it but yes this would be a good starting point

I've had a similar debate with my DH before. I get home later than him and he has moaned that he doesn't want to eat so late, but doesn't know what's for dinner.

I used to be a "decide on the night" type person, depending on what was in the fridge and what I fancied, but conceded that I need to be more planned.

I bought a fridge menu planner that I fill in when the shopping delivery comes, based on use by dates. I've found it not only helps in terms of him being able to make a start on dinner, but also in avoiding wastage and reminding me to take things out the freezer, so it's actually saving me money as well as time.

Wish I'd done it sooner TBH!

AtomicRitual · 31/01/2023 10:06

Wish I could edit to add:

That's not to say your DH is right to be annoyed about the morning lifts though. Your days are long and tiring enough without having to get up even earlier than truly necessary to get him to work

PaddyDingDong · 31/01/2023 10:09

Get gousto or hello fresh
Get a cleaner that will also do the washing
Kick him out. What a knob.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/01/2023 10:10

he Can cook, he just says he didn’t know what I would want or he wasn’t hungry but is now

OK-ish.... but once you're there to be able to ask what you want and he is admitting to being has become hungry, what is his justifiable rationale for why you have to cook the tea?

Scienceadvisory · 31/01/2023 10:11

Surely it would be better if he got a taxi on some days and then you can do all of your work-related laundry before you start work.

I actually don't think he's as bad as some other posters do. Yes you drop him to the station but then he helps with some of your work stuff. He shouldn't have to do all the cooking just because he gets home earlier, especially when he's only home before you because you start work late. Why can't you sometimes prep a meal before you start at 10? And honestly, if I had someone to do a bunch of chores while I go out on a weekend and all I have to do is write a list, I would bite their hand off.

Livingmybestlifenow · 31/01/2023 10:13

@Golightly133
This is totally off topic….and it’s a guess but it might help. If you are a massage therapist or similar and your laundry is towels check these out. Plenty of similar options on the website. You can fit twice as many in one wash and they come out pretty close to dry.

www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/vitmossa-throw-grey-90304889/

Flatandhappy · 31/01/2023 10:20

I wouldn’t mind giving him a lift, although it obviously means an early start, if he would equally make your life easier at the end of the day by cooking a meal. I would struggle with someone so selfish that they expect you to accommodate them but see no issue in take take take.

gogohmm · 31/01/2023 10:20

I would meet him half way. Do request he has dinner ready by x time but work out a meal plan together so he knows what he's doing. No you shouldn't have to but why not collaboratively do it once a week or month?

Lcb123 · 31/01/2023 10:21

So he gets himself back? Seems very odd. Tell him to get a bike.

Whatislove82 · 31/01/2023 10:22

How long have you been with him?
how long have you been doing this?

BitOutOfPractice · 31/01/2023 10:24

When you say he will “withdraw support” I’m wondering if you would even notice!

he on the other hand would very much notice a withdrawal of your support for him.

so if I were him I would be wary of making empty threats. They can backfire spectacularly.

he sounds like a lazy good for nothing to me

bobbytorq · 31/01/2023 10:28

He is a CF and I wouldn't put up with this. I think you need a reset on expectations.

MrsMikeDrop · 31/01/2023 10:32

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 31/01/2023 08:41

Getting home at 9pm and being expected to cook should loudly and vocally infuriate you.

This. Wtf. What are you getting out of the relationship. Furious on your behalf

fromdownwest · 31/01/2023 10:46

The morning lift, I can see why this works for him.

However, as a comprimise for you getting up early, surley he could prepare the evening meal in the 2 hours he has before you get home?!

007DoubleOSeven · 31/01/2023 10:50

I think his reaction is more concerning thab anything else. Is that typical of him?

SouthCountryGirl · 31/01/2023 10:54

Has he looked into access to work which may help him getting to work?

gamerchick · 31/01/2023 10:58

His reaction is pretty appalling. So in that case, not only does he lose his lift, he can make his own fucking tea until he realises how to actually work as a team. He seems to think doing a bit of laundry and working from a list of chores is his contribution and no more. You're not his mother, if he can manage other people he can see what housework needs to be done.

Silently seethes indeed. Come on OP.

ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 31/01/2023 10:59

It should not silently infuriate you. It should loudly piss you off and have been a dealbreaker. It should not be happening. Your dinner should be cooked and waiting.

ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 31/01/2023 11:00

And how does he get home if you're not able to collect him? Why can't he get to the station, but he can get home?

DeskChair · 31/01/2023 11:03

If he can get home he can get to work.
Start by telling him you can’t get up early and cook him tea, it’s one or the other. It shouldn’t be but then you can move things on from there say fine he doing both/alternating cooking. Belittling your job would be a line crossed for me and relationship over. Do you have children?

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