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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish for not wanting to help?

78 replies

Saltysnail · 31/01/2023 08:23

My in laws both need support at the moment. One has a broken hip and is having surgery today, we also found out that the other is unwell but refusing to face up to it.

We have a really strained relationship and I just cannot bring myself to help them - AIBU.

My children are now young adults/teens and ILs made it very clear when eldest was born we couldn’t ask for help, they would offer if they wanted too. DH and I are so stubborn that we stuck to this bar one time years ago when we asked one of them to come over for under two hours in an emergency, MIL said no as she was meeting friends. They also bullied us when the children were younger as they wanted everything done at their convenience. I would have happily cut contact but DH didn’t feel he could.

Despite seeing each other regularly my children have no relationship with ILs. We all just have stilted superficial conversations. In order to protect myself I completely distanced myself emotionally a few years ago.

I feel no compassion towards them and can’t see myself helping them but DH really needs help with this.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 31/01/2023 08:27

DH and I are so stubborn that we stuck to this bar one time years ago when we asked one of them to come over for under two hours in an emergency, MIL said no as she was meeting friends.

Sounds like my MIL. I don’t think you have any obligation to help, although beware the endless calls from social services that will come your way (all pretence at confidentiality etc goes out of the window when they want you to make their lives easier). If PIL have money, they can buy in care. If you want a halfway approach, suggest DH helps with arranging that care? That way, he’s “done his bit”, but you’re not running yourselves ragged.

LightDrizzle · 31/01/2023 08:28

It really is your DH’s decision and I’d support him with whatever he chose, however I’m only talking about his time, not yours, that’s your decision and I wouldn’t agree to them staying if they angle for it.

Rosei · 31/01/2023 08:39

I'd be supporting my DH on this one

UdoU · 31/01/2023 08:41

Why can’t DH support them? Why are you expected to do it, because you’re a woman?

3kidswouldfinishanyoneoff · 31/01/2023 08:42

I'd also be supporting my dh op

Cath667 · 31/01/2023 08:44

I'd be supporting my DH. Life is short and they need help. Just because they didn't help you when you needed it doesn't mean that you have to behave in the same way. Be the bigger person.

UdoU · 31/01/2023 08:44

3kidswouldfinishanyoneoff · 31/01/2023 08:42

I'd also be supporting my dh op

Supporting her DH how? They are his parents, he needs to support them.

OP can take care of the teens whilst he does this.

UdoU · 31/01/2023 08:45

Be the bigger person = guilt trip into becoming PIL’s carer because she has a vagina.

Stompythedinosaur · 31/01/2023 08:45

You reap what to sow.

If your dh want to help then I'd let him get on with it.

unclebuck · 31/01/2023 08:46

I am in this situation and I leave it to DH who does nothing. When I get calls I am very jolly and pleasant and just say "Oh, you've called the wrong number, DH is on XXXXXXXXXXX" and get off the call. They did some incredibly weird and viciously unkind things to me when the DC were young so I am not fostering resentment by being kind to them now. It would damage my relationship with DH.

rothbury · 31/01/2023 08:47

I would take a step back and not engage in any of this. If DH wants to help them, that’s his decision, but no reason for you to have to.

3kidswouldfinishanyoneoff · 31/01/2023 08:47

@UdoU op says her husband really needs help with this one, so that's what I'd be doing, helping him

Rosei · 31/01/2023 08:48

UdoU · 31/01/2023 08:44

Supporting her DH how? They are his parents, he needs to support them.

OP can take care of the teens whilst he does this.

Show quote history

but DH really needs help with this.

I'm sure the OP knows what she means by this comment.....so whatever that means is how. Its her husband she would be supporting, just like he would support her. Even if she is emotionless towards them, it's her husband and she would be helping for him only.

Rosei · 31/01/2023 08:49

UdoU · 31/01/2023 08:45

Be the bigger person = guilt trip into becoming PIL’s carer because she has a vagina.

How ridiculous

UdoU · 31/01/2023 08:49

3kidswouldfinishanyoneoff · 31/01/2023 08:47

@UdoU op says her husband really needs help with this one, so that's what I'd be doing, helping him

My husband would really it if I did all the housework, but I’m not going to support him on that.

Just because he doesn’t want to support his own parents doesn’t mean OP should.

Cath667 · 31/01/2023 08:49

UdoU · 31/01/2023 08:45

Be the bigger person = guilt trip into becoming PIL’s carer because she has a vagina.

That isn't what I said. No-one has said it's only the OP helping and not her DH. Nothing to do with being a woman.

TakeMe2Insanity · 31/01/2023 08:49

Could you compromise and give dh your blessing to help them as he is their son, but facilitate his helping them rather than helping them. So if you need to look after kids so he looks after them?

ComfortablyDazed · 31/01/2023 08:50

You made you big old selfish bed? Now you get to lie in it.

DH should by all means helps his parents - if he wants to.

What support, exactly, does he need from you, OP? By ‘support’, does he mean, you go along with him, even though his parents have gone out of their way not to help you, even in an emergency?

Fuck that.

And I say this as someone who has a good relationship with all friends and family. It’s a two-way street.

lifeinthehills · 31/01/2023 08:51

Can DH do the help or buy in help? I'm usually ready to help anyone but I fully understand where you are coming from. I would help my ILs if they asked, just a little and so long as it didn't inconvenience me. That's more than they deserve.

UdoU · 31/01/2023 08:52

Rosei · 31/01/2023 08:48

but DH really needs help with this.

I'm sure the OP knows what she means by this comment.....so whatever that means is how. Its her husband she would be supporting, just like he would support her. Even if she is emotionless towards them, it's her husband and she would be helping for him only.

Show quote history

You don’t know that he would support her though. You have made assumptions about what support means, but we need OP to clarify what that means.

twinkletoesimnot · 31/01/2023 08:53

I dread being in this situation as I expect it will happen in the not too distant future.
Dh is the eldest and I expect they will think it's his responsibility, even though they have been vile to him, me and our children over the years.

Your bit about asking for help once and being turned down really struck a chord as that also happened to us.

I'm afraid I can't forgive and forget although I think dh will feel too guilty not to help as he is a good man.

Financially we are in no position to though, and we have no room so I'm not sure what that will actually mean when the time comes.

LightDrizzle · 31/01/2023 08:56

To clarify what I meant when I said I’d support him, I mean I’d tell him to do whatever he feels he needs to, for him, and that he has my (moral) support in that. For example, if he wanted to help them with lifts, getting their shopping in for them or cleaning up, changing beds for a period. I wouldn’t be doing any of that myself, just not chuntering away at him for doing it himself.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 31/01/2023 09:00

Tell dh he is welcome to help them whenever HE wishes.
Support done...

itsnote · 31/01/2023 09:03

I think she means DH needs help with saying no to helping them.

I'd give lifts to and from hospital etc if I was him but otherwise I'd be very busy and they'd need to be getting carers in

3kidswouldfinishanyoneoff · 31/01/2023 09:04

@UdoU op has not said that her dh doesn't want to support his parents. My assumption is that he will and the load will be heavy so can she help him to help them. That's how I read it

I think op has clarified what he needs help with but under a different user name.

I couldn't watch my dh struggle to care for two elderly unwell parents regardless of what they did years ago. Of course op is entitled to do this but it just wouldn't be in my nature.