Selfish for not wanting to help?

[Saltysnail]

My in laws both need support at the moment. One has a broken hip and is having surgery today, we also found out that the other is unwell but refusing to face up to it.

We have a really strained relationship and I just cannot bring myself to help them - AIBU.

My children are now young adults/teens and ILs made it very clear when eldest was born we couldn’t ask for help, they would offer if they wanted too. DH and I are so stubborn that we stuck to this bar one time years ago when we asked one of them to come over for under two hours in an emergency, MIL said no as she was meeting friends. They also bullied us when the children were younger as they wanted everything done at their convenience. I would have happily cut contact but DH didn’t feel he could.

Despite seeing each other regularly my children have no relationship with ILs. We all just have stilted superficial conversations. In order to protect myself I completely distanced myself emotionally a few years ago.

I feel no compassion towards them and can’t see myself helping them but DH really needs help with this.

I don’t think OP has posted again with a different user name.

OP has children, they need to be her priority, not in laws who made their bed.

DH can support his parents whilst OP takes care of their children.

I think I'd be supporting DH by taking up the slack at home and anything else needed to allow him the time to see his parents - but not directly going there or helping them myself.

What help do they actually need currently? Is it things like getting them shopping and ready meals, the odd lift to medical appointments or something more involved?

My in laws live miles away (4hrs one way). They have visited us 3 times before FIL died, for our wedding and the birth of our children. MIL has been up once since. I’ve been with DH over 20 years - in the last 5 it’s been more difficult due to covid/age but before that? They just weren’t that bothered, and I don’t think they particularly liked me.

When my children were small we went down once a month, always booked in my me. Disruptive, expensive and difficult with babies. Then I heard MIL bitching about me. I didn’t confront her.

Now the children are older it’s all DHs job. I don’t visit, I don’t organise presents, I don’t call any I won’t be doing any care. I don’t stand in the way of him going down there, and even pencil visits into the diary for him. He cancelled the last two due to illness and just not facing the drive.

Not my problem.

@UdoU ah, I was thinking the response from light drizzle was perhaps the op but have read back and can see she was clarifying her own previous response.

It would be useful if op could clarify what support her dh needs

Of course her children should be her priority as I'm sure they are but if her husband needed help with shopping for his parents then perhaps op could pick up a few bits if she was going herself. That kind of thing.

And no, I'm not suggesting op is the one doing the shopping because she has a vagina 😊

If I were you, I wouldn't lift a finger & I wouldn't tolerate myself or my kids bejng short changed whilst he runs about after them. Not a snowballs chance in hell.

He's free to visit them or help if he so wishes, that's your husbands perogative but he shouldn't be using that as an excuse to make you pick up the slack in your own lives.

They made their beds, now they must lie in them.

I imagine my husband is going to be providing practical support such as driving, shopping, general household etc. Although DH works from home his job is very
demanding and doesn’t have spare time during the week, I’m carer for one of my DC and during term time have time on my hands. I’ll obviously support DH emotionally but don’t want to provide the practical support myself.
ILs do have another child but they had the good sense to emigrate far away!

For the first time in years DH spoke to his mum on her own and found out how difficult FIL is. FIL is unwell- can’t keep food down, has clearly lost weight and feels weak- but is refusing to see a dr. This is the part DH is really struggling with and he doesn’t know how to help.

I agree . Don't get too involved. Allow to though.

It’s a bit more nuanced than not providing childcare when you needed it IMO. Maybe they were just at a point when they finally had some freedom and were possibly feeling a bit selfish about that? It was certainly the case with my inlaws.

However they were good people and had been fantastic parents to their DC. They needed a LOT of support when they became old and frail and we did provide it to the best of our ability. Not easy especially when they were very resistant to actual paid carers for a long time. I did a lot because I was better at some of it than DH (not because I had a vagina but my professional background). He has supported me a lot in other ways.

Id say try to forget the past and do what feels right for you now. It may be nothing, a lot or something in the middle. Depending on many factors such as distance and other family members and finances this could be very variable.

Support your DH and talk about the What Ifs a bit. Will he feel terrible if they struggle massively and end up in a horrible state? Sometimes being the bigger person is the way to go. He will also remember the stuff from his childhood that was, for them, the ‘real’ parenting.

He might conclude he owes them nothing at all.

@Saltysnail make it very very clear to your husband that YOUR family comes first. Ie his job & helping you care for your kids & emotional load & chores at home. You're a team - he doesn't get to abdicate from that due to misguided loyalty to assholes.

There are many ways to support your DH here without actively caring for them. If they have funds you could organise external help for them which would be my plan A to minimise time you physically have to spend with them, plan b you could pick up a bit of slack at home to allow your DH to go and care for them.

obviously just providing emotional support for your DH as I think sometime difficult parental relationships can make this period really challenging to navigate with some surprising emotions

You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. If FIL won’t see a doctor, that’s on him. If MIL needs help post surgery, DH will need to book leave from work. I wouldn’t be offering to help people who had treated me like shit, family or not. It’s not up to you just because you are a woman with more time.

I suppose if a sincere apology was forthcoming, it may change things a little. I sometimes think people think they are indestructible, until they are not

If you do decide to do any helping, you do it because you are helping DH, not because you are helping them. Maybe just small things like driving them to appointments (you said you have time on your hands). Of course, there is no obligation to do anything. I'd also make sure your DH knows he still has responsibilities at home. Someone I know barely saw their spouse for all the elder care he was doing.

Goodness… what a negative and unpleasant family life.

Your children have no relationship with them, not surprising, why were your inlaws also very unpleasant to them?

If you were to offer practical help it would be much more than begrudgingly, it would be with resentment. They don't sound very nice people really. Your husband it seems feels differently and it would be very difficult for him if you were to stand in his way (including passive aggression). Be honest, say youre not doing it but take up some of the slack at home short term. It's probable FIL won't accept help and will be dead soon. Depending on your MILs needs you might find that Social Services may become involved if she needs more care than can reasonably be given by FIL and others.
This isn't about you being mean or seeking revenge, it's about you having no real relationship with them and not one ounce of love. That's on them

It sounds like a very sad family set up. I'm not in that position as I've good relationship with in laws. But personally I wouldn't want to live with hate and resentment in my tummy. I would help them if I were in a position to, not wipe their arse but give them a lift or pick up a prescription- like I'd do for my current elderly neighbour that I have no real relationship with. I'd want to model compassion to my dc also.

Ultimately I'd support my dh in whatever he felt was the best course of action. I wouldn't want him to live with regrets (when his parents are no longer here), and for me to have contributed towards that.

Let your DH help them if he wants to but personally I don't think you owe them anything.

I'd stay out of it and leave it down to the husband, to decide what to do. Perhaps they need to go into a home, as no-one is available to provide care. I cared for my mother until she died. I'm still caring for my father. It's exhausting because I have children, dog and a house to run. I've already told my husband that if his father or step father need support, I am not helping at all. They will have to sort out care, if not then a nursing home. I don't feel bad, because I've done my bit of elder care.

This

You can do their shopping and he can deliver it.

Can he arrange a cleaner or carers for them?

How about op's dh does his dps shopping?

@MatildaTheCat the lack of childcare is not an issue. ILs were working full time so we didn’t even think about them providing childcare. When my first was born they made what felt like a speech informing us that just because they had become grandparents their life’s were not going to change and we were not to ask for ask they would offer - by setting the boundaries like this rather than waiting to see how things would progress they pushed us away and the relationship never moved forward.

MIL used to comment distastefully about her sisters family unit was insular. We only met a handful of times but I realised they like my family they were close. My ILs were emotionally distant, growing up DH felt he could never just chat or ask for a small favour such as a lift.

These things are interesting to see play out. My mother and aunt are at the beck and call of their father and his second wife, who are now very elderly and needy. When they were younger and fitter they never helped them with anything. No help with money, childcare, didn't even pick up the phone to see how they were doing. Sent postcards from their holidays and showed up at birthdays, that was about it. I think my mother and aunt are good people for helping them so much but I honestly don't think I would in their situation. On the other hand I have a good relationship with my mum and if she needed care I'd be there, because she's there for me.

Agree with PP who say you might facilitate him helping them, but leaving the actual work of that with him. He's being a good son at the end of the day.

"supporting your DH" doesn't have to mean "taking on a share of the unrealistic burden that has been forced on him"

it could mean "helping him to curate the emotional resilience to say 'no' and step back"

enabling abusive relationships and bullying is not support.

My children are now young adults/teens and ILs made it very clear when eldest was born we couldn’t ask for help, they would offer if they wanted too.

you’re still holding this grudge despite your first born now being a young adult, so what… two decades ago?