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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish for not wanting to help?

78 replies

Saltysnail · 31/01/2023 08:23

My in laws both need support at the moment. One has a broken hip and is having surgery today, we also found out that the other is unwell but refusing to face up to it.

We have a really strained relationship and I just cannot bring myself to help them - AIBU.

My children are now young adults/teens and ILs made it very clear when eldest was born we couldn’t ask for help, they would offer if they wanted too. DH and I are so stubborn that we stuck to this bar one time years ago when we asked one of them to come over for under two hours in an emergency, MIL said no as she was meeting friends. They also bullied us when the children were younger as they wanted everything done at their convenience. I would have happily cut contact but DH didn’t feel he could.

Despite seeing each other regularly my children have no relationship with ILs. We all just have stilted superficial conversations. In order to protect myself I completely distanced myself emotionally a few years ago.

I feel no compassion towards them and can’t see myself helping them but DH really needs help with this.

OP posts:
BurntOutGirl · 31/01/2023 10:39

Saltysnail · 31/01/2023 09:46

I imagine my husband is going to be providing practical support such as driving, shopping, general household etc. Although DH works from home his job is very
demanding and doesn’t have spare time during the week, I’m carer for one of my DC and during term time have time on my hands. I’ll obviously support DH emotionally but don’t want to provide the practical support myself.
ILs do have another child but they had the good sense to emigrate far away!

For the first time in years DH spoke to his mum on her own and found out how difficult FIL is. FIL is unwell- can’t keep food down, has clearly lost weight and feels weak- but is refusing to see a dr. This is the part DH is really struggling with and he doesn’t know how to help.

It doesn't sound like you or DH have much spare time to actually help.

It might be helpful to make a list of what help they need and realistically set days/times against them as to when DH could do those tasks.

It will then help you both figure out what you can commit to without overwhelming yourselves.

For example... DH has a lie in on Saturday mornings.... is he willing to forgo that to sort the weekly shopping out.... or would organising online delivery be more practical

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 31/01/2023 10:43

I'd be insisting he gets them carers, or they pay for their own care. I'm with you on this one.

I mean how can you care for someone you have no real relationship with? I'm opposite I'm disabled and need a carer but I couldn't have someone I have zero relationship with caring for me.

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 10:43

I think it’s sad with a now adult child you’re still so focused on what happened when they were born, the lack of help does seem to be a major issue you can’t get past. It’s a long time to hold a grudge, and to such an extent you can’t bring yourself to help even though you know one of them is probably at the end.

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 10:43

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 31/01/2023 10:43

I'd be insisting he gets them carers, or they pay for their own care. I'm with you on this one.

I mean how can you care for someone you have no real relationship with? I'm opposite I'm disabled and need a carer but I couldn't have someone I have zero relationship with caring for me.

She has not been asked to me their carer.

Beamur · 31/01/2023 10:45

Your DH can help without actually doing all those things himself.
Arrange food delivery, sort taxis for appointments, hospitals often have community transport options, get a cleaner and source an odd job person.
Your FIL sounds very unwell indeed, but if he has capacity he is entitled not to seek medical help if he doesn't want it. He is probably afraid of what they are going to find.

Original poster
Saltysnail · 31/01/2023 10:46

It’s not that I’m still holding a grudge, I’m stating what they said and the fact that the relationship stayed at that point - they didn’t soften and we didn’t cultivate a relationship.

OP posts:
Sleepless1096 · 31/01/2023 10:50

They'll have to buy in the help they need as neither you nor your DH are really in a position to help them as they need. Point them in the direction of a reputable home care agency.

LakeTiticaca · 31/01/2023 10:51

Let DH crack on and help if he wishes. As long he doesn't expect you to be involved

Merryoldgoat · 31/01/2023 10:52

People are so eager to put themselves out for people who prove they don’t care about them.

I’m with you OP.

My in-laws and I have an amazing and strong mutually supportive relationship and I’d walk to the ends of the earth for them.

My father fucked off and can expect nothing from me ever.

Tdcp · 31/01/2023 10:57

LightDrizzle · 31/01/2023 08:56

To clarify what I meant when I said I’d support him, I mean I’d tell him to do whatever he feels he needs to, for him, and that he has my (moral) support in that. For example, if he wanted to help them with lifts, getting their shopping in for them or cleaning up, changing beds for a period. I wouldn’t be doing any of that myself, just not chuntering away at him for doing it himself.

In this instance I think you should support your husband. It's not easy cutting out family sometimes and he's probably in turmoil with how they've treated you both / grandkids / how he feels / obligations. I'm no contact with my mother (her choice) but I've no idea what I'd do if this was her in their situation, the last thing I'd need is my partner to be unsupportive of my decision.

Whatislove82 · 31/01/2023 10:57

Saltysnail · 31/01/2023 10:46

It’s not that I’m still holding a grudge, I’m stating what they said and the fact that the relationship stayed at that point - they didn’t soften and we didn’t cultivate a relationship.

But you still subjected your children to “regularly” seeing them?

billy1966 · 31/01/2023 11:03

Absolutely not.

Support your husband a BIT emotionally but these are not your family and have made their position clear a long time ago.

Let them spend moneybon their care.

You have your child caring duties which is enough IMO.

phoenixrosehere · 31/01/2023 11:25

Whatislove82 · 31/01/2023 10:57

But you still subjected your children to “regularly” seeing them?

Show quote history

Or she was supporting her husband and allowing him to take the wheel on it?

The children learned what kind of grandparents they actually have instead of making up something grandiose in their head about them. Grandparents can’t say that their grandchildren was kept from them nor can OP be written as the evil DIL who kept them away.

OP, I think the moral support you mention is fair. You are keeping with your boundaries while respecting your DH’s decision. I find it interesting they didn’t consider their own futures and discuss it with their son before yet made sure to discuss their stance on how they would be as grandparents.

TheShellBeach · 31/01/2023 11:28

Well, let your DH do whatever needs to be done.
It's always women who are expected to do everything and give care to relations who are elderly.

Whatislove82 · 31/01/2023 11:38

phoenixrosehere · 31/01/2023 11:25

Or she was supporting her husband and allowing him to take the wheel on it?

The children learned what kind of grandparents they actually have instead of making up something grandiose in their head about them. Grandparents can’t say that their grandchildren was kept from them nor can OP be written as the evil DIL who kept them away.

OP, I think the moral support you mention is fair. You are keeping with your boundaries while respecting your DH’s decision. I find it interesting they didn’t consider their own futures and discuss it with their son before yet made sure to discuss their stance on how they would be as grandparents.

Show quote history

Yes but by supporting her DH

she was subjecting her children to regular contact with people that “bullied” her and her DH and generally were unpleasant and unsupportive.

So if “supporting” my DH meant exposing my children to regular contact with such people… then I would be straight with my DH, that this was not support i was willing to provide as I did not think in my children’s best interests

ferneytorro · 31/01/2023 12:04

Rosei · 31/01/2023 08:49

How ridiculous

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Nope 100% true.

Rosei · 31/01/2023 12:05

ferneytorro · 31/01/2023 12:04

Nope 100% true.

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100% true that this has got anything to do with fannys? Don't think so 🤣

Original poster
Saltysnail · 31/01/2023 12:33

@Whatislove82 my children haven’t been forced to spend time with them. For a long time now the ILs visit us for an hour or so, if the children are in (usually not) they will say hello but don’t usually hang around. They haven’t had an influence on their lives.

OP posts:
PhoenixReincarnated · 31/01/2023 12:45

Rosei · 31/01/2023 08:48

but DH really needs help with this.

I'm sure the OP knows what she means by this comment.....so whatever that means is how. Its her husband she would be supporting, just like he would support her. Even if she is emotionless towards them, it's her husband and she would be helping for him only.

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That help could be emotional support or helping to arrange for outside carers to come in and do the actual care.

beachcitygirl · 31/01/2023 13:48

Whatislove82 · 31/01/2023 10:38

My children are now young adults/teens and ILs made it very clear when eldest was born we couldn’t ask for help, they would offer if they wanted too.

you’re still holding this grudge despite your first born now being a young adult, so what… two decades ago?

And OP is entitled to set her boundaries on what she is willing or not to do (as they did)
Of course their behaviour coloured that decision.

There is no close affectionate reciprocal relationship.

Rosei · 31/01/2023 14:04

PhoenixReincarnated · 31/01/2023 12:45

That help could be emotional support or helping to arrange for outside carers to come in and do the actual care.

Show quote history

Correct

Ilovechinese · 31/01/2023 14:08

No why should you help them? They aren't your parents and they never helped you so tough shit let them get a carer

billy1966 · 31/01/2023 16:09

OP, Be firm in your boundaries just as they were.

My friends inlaws had zero interest in her or her children and she juggled alone often while her husband had to do a bit of work travel. She hadn't retired from nursing 5 minutes and it was presumed by the siblings SHE would step in.
She put her husband, his siblings and in laws SO straight and remains 100% uninvolved.

Another friends sister in law was the golden child and her in laws had zero interest in her husband, children or her for 20 years.
Two years ago her SIL and husband have taken a great opportunity abroad for work and her in laws started calling with expectations that her husband would now suddenly be at their disposal and that they now need to visit regularly when they haven't ever been the least interested in visiting or seeing them ever.

MY friend didn't even have mobile numbers for her inlaws.

Her husband was initially flattered by the sudden attention from them and my friend put him very straight that he could choose to do what he likes but she is not to be involved or inconvenienced by him or his family.

She continues to see them very infrequently, as do her children whom they never bothered with.

Her husband does the essentials for them and no more as he quickly realised it would be all down to him to organise.
So they pay for help and taxis etc.

I think when you make it abundantly clear you have no interest in being involved with family, you cannot expect to pick them up as it suits you, 20 years later.

My friends have been rearing children and juggling work etc without their interest for 20+ years, they are menopausal still a bit and finally looking at life getting a small bit easier.
They have 100% no interest in being involved in caring duties to people they genuinely feel no emotional connection to.

I understand their stance.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 31/01/2023 16:16

Your ils made it clear they didn't want a childcare role. All acceptable. As is you /dh not wanting to be carers...
They can pay for outside help...

Whatislove82 · 31/01/2023 16:50

Saltysnail · 31/01/2023 12:33

@Whatislove82 my children haven’t been forced to spend time with them. For a long time now the ILs visit us for an hour or so, if the children are in (usually not) they will say hello but don’t usually hang around. They haven’t had an influence on their lives.

You said they’d had regular contact?