To not want my mum as a birth partner?

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Is it possible to love her and appreciate her in other ways but to just not feel she has the right temperament for this role?

I think it will be hard for her to see me suffering. She panics easily and I fear she’ll just set me off too. She’s very anxious and would likely start trying to talk me into all kinds of interventions I’d prefer to avoid.

I know it’s incredibly hurtful to her but I genuinely just don’t feel she’s the right person.

Do you have a partner? Can you tell a white lie and say only partners are allowed?

I find it so weird your mother would expect to be there.
Is the Father on the scene? Surely he's the more appropriate choice? Then once your baby has arrived safely you can ring your mother and she can meet it?

I get on well with my mum but would never have thought of having her as a birth partner! Is she expecting to then?

I’m looking at a home birth so this won’t work unfortunately.

Was she there at the conception?

Who are you planning to have as your birth partner?

I think it's fine to say you don't want her there, as long as you won't be inviting MIL! Just tell her she gets first visit when you're ready. Me and my mum are closeish but there no way I'd want her watching me give birth!

Oh lordy. Just tell her if she’s expecting to be there. Honestly couldn’t think of anything worse than having my mum at my births.

I couldn’t think of anything worse, my mum would have been a nightmare.

Although I hope my DD’s want me there to support them. I will totally understand if not though.

Yes, although I’ve also been looking at doulas. She’s finding it very upsetting that I’d hire someone rather than ask her. Which I do understand. However a doula would be far more detached which I think would be easier on everyone.

I had my Mum there at my first, and MIL at the second. It's really special that I was able to share that memory with them both, I dont regret it at all.

She sounds quite manipulative, does she realise this is about you and not her?
I suggest you stand firm and be clear. Childbirth is not a time to feel more uncomfortable than absolutely necessary!

I find it weird that she would want to be there.
When I had my dc, it never crossed my mind to have anyone but dh there. I mean, my Mum would have come if dh hadn't been able to get home on time (he was working away in the weeks running up to my due date), but only so that I wasn't alone.

I have no desire whatsoever to be there when / if my dds give birth. Same as my Mum, if I had to, because they would be alone otherwise, I guess I would, but I would generally expect it to be a very personal thing between them tnad their partners.

I suspect id be like your mum, fretting and making it all worse.

100% would be offering to pay for a Doula for DD.

YANBU!

Most people don’t have their mums present and while I’m sure it helps those who choose it, it doesn’t necessarily correlate to the closeness of the relationship.

I loved my mum very much and she was a great support to be with my newborn DD1, but I’d have hated having her present at the birth. I’d have been worrying about HER and there just isn’t the space for that. Personally I also would have worried about my husband feeling it being or feeling edged out.

Is your mum pressurising you over this or making you feel guilty? If she is then that is very selfish and unkind of HER. She can’t be blamed for wanting it but she can be blamed heavily for putting her wants above a labouring woman’s needs, particularly when that woman is her own daughter.

Hang on, does she assume you will want her? That’s quite odd.

Really your dm should be supporting you during the birth . . . . from the other side of the closed door!
When I gave birth my dm was in the delivery room supporting me but stepped outside when things began to really happen.
Would your mum agree to that, she steps out when asked to and the professional takes over?
Really it's absolutely your choice, probably the only time in your life where you can and absolutely should decide who you want with you and bollocks to upsetting anyone, you're the important person here

This is one of the last times in your life - or the next 18 years at least! - where you can, and should, 100% put yourself and your own needs ahead of anybody else's.

And I think it's OK to say that to your Mum, quite bluntly if necessary, to remind her it's about your feelings and not hers.

— the trouble with this suggestion, particularly in a home birth scenario, is if she doesn’t shift on cue, how on earth do they get her out without a massive rumpus? She could promise the earth assuming when it actually comes to it OP will want her there and then have a fit when OP or her partner say, thank you but can you leave us now.

OP really can’t be risking or managing that on top of labour.

It is about you!! So if you upset your mum you upset your mum. I was sad at first that my mum couldn’t be there at my birth due to covid she couldn’t even visit me on the ward and this was December 2021. I was sad because she’d watched her three previous grandchildren come into the world and this baby was my first however my partner was amazing all on his own and I don’t think I would ever of wanted anyone else there but me and him I was calm I was happy I did amazingly and I fell asleep straight after I pushed her out but he held me together. You do what you want to, I’d rather regret not having her there after the fact rather then regret having her there when you really didn’t want to and it’s too late to go back on this is your and your partners baby.
Everyone has visions of their birth and that’s okay!

I think its hurtful to your Mum to pay for a stranger before having your Mum, but its absolutely about you and what you want no matter how hurt your Mum feels.

My DM was my helper at both of my births and was amazing, a real advocate for me.

DH was present at DS's birth but was useless so for DH he stayed at home with DS and my DM came with me. Everyone was happier.

To be fair, DH really didn't want to be there the first time but felt he ought to be - peer pressure.

Why not just have a hospital birth and avoid this problem?

Surely it can simply be explained as needing an experienced person to advocate for you? Or is your mother a midwife/attended frequent births her own children aside?