Page 3 | To not want my mum as a birth partner?

Mulhollandmagoo · 30/01/2023 23:36

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 30/01/2023 23:30

Thanks all. She says now that she is not coming because if things don’t go well I’ll blame her and hate her forever. I admit there is some truth in that. Yes, if she persuaded me to transfer against my wishes say because she was frightened and/or wanted me to have access to greater pain relief, I think that would stay with me for a long time. And yes I’d be lying if I didn’t think it would affect our relationship.

See, even this response is quite manipulative! Your body, your decision, she doesn't sound like someone who would be great in that kind of situation anyway - it won't do either of you any good to have her there.

Well done for standing your ground, you clearly have a strong idea of how you want your birth to be, and if you can't have everything your way when you're pushing a human out of your body then then when can you eh 😉

OldSkoolLikeHappyShopper · 30/01/2023 23:38

I’d have rather eaten wasps than had my mum at the births of my dc.

I do like my mum BTW.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 30/01/2023 23:44

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 30/01/2023 23:30

Thanks all. She says now that she is not coming because if things don’t go well I’ll blame her and hate her forever. I admit there is some truth in that. Yes, if she persuaded me to transfer against my wishes say because she was frightened and/or wanted me to have access to greater pain relief, I think that would stay with me for a long time. And yes I’d be lying if I didn’t think it would affect our relationship.

Oof, so passive aggressive, and still making it all about her not you.

Wise choice, OP!

Confusion101 · 30/01/2023 23:47

I cannot for the life of me think of why she'd want to be there but glad she has retracted her offer! If she does bring it up again I think you should say it'd be unfair on DC1 because your mam would have a special bond with DC2 and it could lead to jealousy down the line 😜

Original poster

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 30/01/2023 23:53

@Confusion101 she has friends who have been birth partners for their daughters and I think that has something to do with it.

OP posts:

Nat6999 · 30/01/2023 23:53

Tell her it will be too crowded with the birthing pool, 2 midwives & your other half. To be honest I was glad my mum was there, exh was useless, my mum was a better advocate & came in theatre when I ended up having an emcs. I had been wishing exh in hell most of the 60 hours I was in labour.

PutItInTheFuckingBasket · 31/01/2023 00:04

I'm glad she's said she won't be there OP, even though she's laying the guilt on thick when you have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

I'd hate my mum to be there - not the right personality at all, and would make everything more difficult.

Hope you find the right doula for you :)

Landndialamrhf · 31/01/2023 00:08

Her making your birth about her feelings, then guilt tripping you, tells you everything you need to know about how she’ll be on the day

StrandedStarfish · 31/01/2023 00:18

Feel free to blame the maternity unit to your Mum and this might take the pressure off you. I suggest that as Covid is back on the rise telling her that the hospital are asking women to limit birthing partners to 1 if possible.

Kitkatcatflap · 31/01/2023 00:26

When did this become a thing? My children will be 16 this year and I was an older mum but I swear Mumsnet is the only place I have heard mums and MIL's requesting to be at the 'coal face' when their daughter's give birth

JeepersCreepersWheredYaGetThosePeepers · 31/01/2023 00:32

Rosei · 30/01/2023 22:31

I had my Mum there at my first, and MIL at the second. It's really special that I was able to share that memory with them both, I dont regret it at all.

Your MIL?!

Jeez, I wasn't even in a rush for my MIL to come and see my baby after she was born!

Rosei · 31/01/2023 03:56

JeepersCreepersWheredYaGetThosePeepers · 31/01/2023 00:32

Your MIL?!

Jeez, I wasn't even in a rush for my MIL to come and see my baby after she was born!

Show quote history

We clearly have very different relationships, mine is like a second Mum to me

Rosei · 31/01/2023 03:59

Kitkatcatflap · 31/01/2023 00:26

When did this become a thing? My children will be 16 this year and I was an older mum but I swear Mumsnet is the only place I have heard mums and MIL's requesting to be at the 'coal face' when their daughter's give birth

If you're talking about me, my MIL never requested a thing. However she was over the moon when we asked her if she wanted to be there, it meant everything to her as she totally didn't expect to be asked. 2 very different things than "requesting" to be there!

Kitkatcatflap · 31/01/2023 05:01

Rosei My post was not aimed at any individual, I was surprised about ANY parents being there.

LaBellina · 31/01/2023 05:20

Your mother is being incredibly selfish. The role of a birth partner is to support the woman giving birth, not be there for their own satisfaction. Anyone who prioritizes their own feelings above how you feel about that is a dick with a lack of respect for body autonomy and boundaries.

kittymu9397 · 31/01/2023 06:50

AllTheBestNamesWereTaken · 30/01/2023 22:24

Is it possible to love her and appreciate her in other ways but to just not feel she has the right temperament for this role?

I think it will be hard for her to see me suffering. She panics easily and I fear she’ll just set me off too. She’s very anxious and would likely start trying to talk me into all kinds of interventions I’d prefer to avoid.

I know it’s incredibly hurtful to her but I genuinely just don’t feel she’s the right person.

I completely understand you, OP!

I love my mum and she very much is my best friend BUT she got on my absolute nerves when I went into Labour because of her anxiety, panicky, and she was saying the wrong things at the wrong time. My husband was travelling up from work in the south and he was trying to get to the hospital as fast as he could, so she was with me for the majority of my Labour (13 hours out of the total 22 hours).

Believe me when I tell you she got on my absolute nerves. But I avoided having a go at her because at the end of the day she's my mum and didn't want to hurt her, but my God did I want to scream "just shut up!". 😂

I also see it from her perspective. My biggest advice would be just to be honest with her and tell her why you'd rather just have DP there. Tell her, her panic and anxiety would make your Labour worse by causing a negative atmosphere.

Gooseysgirl · 31/01/2023 07:40

Doula all the way! My lovely DM would have been a nightmare 😆 On the other hand I was very happy to have my MIL there - she's a retired midwife so I reckoned she would be good to have around!! Unfortunately my DD's birth ended in EMCS, but having MIL there was v reassuring for DH when things started to go wrong. I would say find another role for her that will make her feel important if you can?

LightDrizzle · 31/01/2023 13:17

"She says now that she is not coming because if things don’t go well I’ll blame her and hate her forever."

Well that sorts it then 🙄 She's one of those.

I guessed her friends had something to do with it. Perhaps it's social media perhaps it has always happened, but this often seems to be a factor behind new grandparents' overbearing demands for things like this or the dreaded "alone time" or overnights with tiny babies. It's just not a good enough reason for you to risk extra stress during your labour.

Social Media certainly fuels competitive grandparenting in some families, creating the perception that his/ her parents are ALWAYS there, and get the baby on their own; not realising a beautiful photo of Granny X quietly cradling the baby by a window with the caption "Precious newborn snuggles!" may have been taken with mum, dad, Uncle Tom Cobbly and the mess associated with a new baby out of shot. Before social media people just weren't aware of who was visiting and when etc. Or that Debbie from IT had her grandson overnight from two weeks old. It doesn't register that 7 of the 8 grandmas she knows didn't have the baby at two weeks old/ weren't at the birth, as people don't make SM posts about not doing these things. "Another quiet night in with Dragons Den while Baby Girl is at home with her parents!"

I'm so glad my last baby was born before smart phones and SM created so much expectation around the whole thing. I also had relatively sane parents and in-laws, at least in their baby years...

The obsession always seems to be around the birth and newborn too, the very time when all the baby really needs is a mum who is as safe, well and as close as possible. The time when hormones and exhaustion are overwhelming and feeding and primary bonding are being established. My own grandma (grandpa was very detached and old school) did have us on our own, but from the age of around four. Our relationship wasn't blighted by her absence from the birth or the fact that her main role in the first visit after the baby was born
was looking after her daughter, not her grand"baby". I don't think she felt my parents had ruined her "grandparent experience". Funnily enough she didn't refuse to engage with us because our mum hadn't handed us over to her as tiny babies. I really don't think there was this expectation. - You always get people on these threads snippily saying you'll be glad enough of help when they are toddlers/ teenagers and don't complain when DGP don't "drop everything" to help.

Sorry, got a bit carried away and off topic. I just feel so sorry for expectant and new mothers these days. I'll be the same age-group as the grandparents here, and I have grandparent friends but I just don't get the entitlement. The excitement? Yes! - but not the centring of myself and my "experience" in the whole thing.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/01/2023 13:23

She's quite manipulative, isn't she?

OCDmama · 31/01/2023 14:04

Hiya, I'm 37 weeks with my second in Ewell (hi neighbour!). I also love my mum and she looks after my first one day a week, but I absolutely would not have her faffing about during the birth and winding me up!! I don't even want her to come see me in the hospital.

I had my daughter in the height of COVID too and had a traumatic time. I've said my husband cannot leave me alone at the hospital at all, except for short trips back. I'm keeping my foot down it has to be him, no swapsies.

SecretSophie · 31/01/2023 14:08

My mum turned up at the hospital whilst I was in labour. I didn't let her in lol, that would have been my worst nightmare. She was swiftly told to go home and wait.
This was her protest at the lack of updates on , you know, my labour.

strawberry2017 · 31/01/2023 14:23

If I was you I wouldn't even tell her you are in Labour then you don't have to deal with her turning up unexpectedly.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 31/01/2023 14:30

of course YANBU

my mum and I are not compatible in a lot of ways and her being my birthpartner was never an option. it never entered my mind to consider her.
Since I remember she'd take the side of literally anyone else from total strangers & neighbours through my sister & friends to even my own husband.
I can't recall any event when she backed me up.

How could I have ever trusted her to support me during labour????
No way. She would've judged, critised, belittled every single thing with that ugly duck arse lips expression she does.