To not want my mum as a birth partner?

[AllTheBestNamesWereTaken]

Is it possible to love her and appreciate her in other ways but to just not feel she has the right temperament for this role?

I think it will be hard for her to see me suffering. She panics easily and I fear she’ll just set me off too. She’s very anxious and would likely start trying to talk me into all kinds of interventions I’d prefer to avoid.

I know it’s incredibly hurtful to her but I genuinely just don’t feel she’s the right person.

Err…not a random stranger. A professional doula plus midwife!

It’s not the norm to have your mum, it’s not uncommon and nothing wrong with it for those who choose it but it’s not hurtful behaviour not to choose it. Feeling hurt is something a decent mother would keep to themselves.

Who cares if it's hurtful?! The role is to support the mother , as defined by her, FFS! Just tell her you've given it some thought and it feels a bit weird.

My dd says she'd want me as her birth partner, but I take it with a pinch of salt, and fully expect she'll change her mind.

The key thing is what the mother finds helpful-including even whether their partner is there or not. Any Midwife would agree.

😁

I loved my mum dearly but no fucking way would I have her in a room with me with legs akimbo. Lines. Crossed. So many kinds of lines..

I think it is completely normal to be horrified by the thought OP, and just say MUM! NO.

Obviously I am delighted for those who wanted and got their mums with them.

I was the exact same throughout my whole pregnancy. At first I told her she couldn't be there as the covid rules of only one birth partner was still in place but then they changed to 2 mid way through my pregnancy, someone told her and she insisted she was going to be there. I never had the balls to tell her I didn't want her there unfortunately, I don't have any advice but I can say to not let it eat you up and cause stress your whole pregnancy cause it's really a time you should be enjoying. Luckily I went in for induction on the Thursday and everyone thought it was going to be a slow process but my labour came along very quick and I was only in labour 4 hours so me and my partner never had the time to tell my mum. My mum did actually turn up to the hospital unaware the baby was already born and expecting me to be in labour, it's sad to say but I was lucky as I wouldn't have coped with her in the room.

Just double-checked and our hospital allows two which is very easy to verify. And I would ideally like a doula and have her be able to transfer in with us if necessary.

kingstonhospital.nhs.uk/patients-visitors/covid-19/important-information-for-all-women-about-coronavirus-covid-19-and-antenatal-appointments/

I used to hate the mother being at the birth when I was a midwife. Often her own feelings and reactions to her births come back and make her angry and fierce. And her daughter regresses to childhood . Far too much family drama, including praying aloud and sobbing.

I was on the other side of the world when my daughter gave birth. Neither of us wanted me to be there.

I didnt say random stranger, I said stranger. And yes a good Mum would keep the hurt to themselves.

Calm down anyway, I've only repeated what the OP said that she knows it would be hurtful to her Mum!

I absolutely would not have wanted my mum there for labour/birth. She would have caused me more stress and been another thing to worry about.
You need to be honest with her and tell her no. This is your birth and your baby and you call the shots.

I am in the opposite boat and very excited to have my Mum at the birth of #3. #1 was an emergency section and #2 during COVID so only DH was allowed to be there. BUT my Mum used to be a nurse then a midwife, she is calm, level headed and good at giving appropriate and timely advice. Is she didn’t have the right personality I would not want her there and would deal with her hurt feelings.

you are so so vulnerable when you are giving birth, you need someone who will advocate for what YOU want but also be well able to be firm if things change and an emergency or intervention arises to keep the baby safe. It sounds like a doula would be a much better option than your Mum for you.

maybe you could say for this first birth you would prefer a doula but if all goes well she could maybe be there for a subsequent birth you just want to feel safe and protected and that there are a couple of trained medical professionals supporting you as you do this for the first time.

If she doesn’t respect this just say “it’s not up for debate, you are totally entitled to feel hurt and upset but that’s not my intention or why I am doing this. I want you there after the birth to support me but in height of labour a feel a doula will be best suited for me. I would ask you to respect my decision and not being the subject up again”

Goos luck!

@Rightsraptor That does sound too much!

Would you ask your Midwife to have a gentle but very firm word with her regarding exactly what your mother can do and shouldn't do during the birth. Boundaries must be crystal clear.

Yes this. I could imagine myself regressing to childhood. I am just not going to be my best self with her there. For this reason I never would have wanted her coming to a job interview or in a date with me either.

I would just tell her kindly but firmly that this is what you want to do. It's not because you don't love her, you just want your partner and a professional doula as your coach.

Don't keep debating it, leave the discussion there and she'll get used to it. If she keeps bringing it up, shut it down again.

If she still doesn't listen then she needs to grow the hell up and remember it's not about her.

If your mum is disappointed that's understandable. If shes hurt that's on her. If she makes it abundantly clear she's hurt or tries to get you to change your mind she's entitled and selfi
Share the 'burden' by explaining that WE have decided to A, B. C and DHs workmates sister has suggest a duhhla

@LLightDrizzle
You've got a point there, my dm was the most reasonable woman you'd ever meet, who put everyone else's well being before her own.
She's recently passed, god bless her heart.
Ops DM doesn't sound like she would leave without a fight

It’s actually my second and last birth. Last time Covid genuinely meant she couldn’t be there as it was in the very early stages of Lockdown #1 when she would have been terrified to leave home anyway. I think she’s still quite upset about it though.

I had home births. Never planned to have my mum at any of them - never crossed my mind - tho in fact she missed one by about 90 mins. Turned out I’d been having contractions all day but it was only after she left that I realised what was happening. Precipitate birth after that!
which is to say - if you don’t want her, your body may not cooperate…

And she does have the right to feel however she wants to, just don’t let it dictate your actions-that’s her being manipulative.

if this is your last baby let it be a special experience for you and DH and a memory you can treasure not an event you go into dreading because she will be there

How odd. Just tell her only people involved at conception will be at the birth. As well as professionals

God.

I can’t even begin to imagine having a mother that would make something as profound / significant / life-changing / emotional / difficult / etc. as childbirth about her - instead of about the person actually going through it.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this OP.

How unbelievable that you’re having to worry about hurting her manipulative feelings, instead of prioritising your (and your new baby’s) needs.

I honestly don't know anyone who has their mum at the birth. My mum was there at the very beginning because she took me to hospital but as soon as DH came she left and went home.

Can you tell her you and your patenter have decided you liked it being you two last time and would like the same this time round? Was it an experience that made you grow closer as a couple? If you see it as something you should be doing with your partner just the two of you plus professionals, I don't see that there is anything wrong with that. And your mum should understand that too.

If you hire a doula and your mum isn't there, there is no need to make a big deal about it. Just another professional.

Thanks all. She says now that she is not coming because if things don’t go well I’ll blame her and hate her forever. I admit there is some truth in that. Yes, if she persuaded me to transfer against my wishes say because she was frightened and/or wanted me to have access to greater pain relief, I think that would stay with me for a long time. And yes I’d be lying if I didn’t think it would affect our relationship.

How about something like “I’d like to have a professional there, because I feel quite anxious, and this would make me feel calmer/ more at ease. It’ll be lovely to see you once the baby’s born, but I don’t really want you to have to see all of that difficult part”

Wild horses would not have induced me to have my mother there if l'd given birth.
I would, however, have had my mother in law. She was a midwife and l'd have trusted her with mine, and my baby's life.
This is one time in your life when it should be entirely your decision. You need someone you trust and feel entirely safe with. If your mum's going to make you anxious and scared, she isn't the right person.
Just because she wants/thinks she should be there, doesn't make her that person.