Fuming boyfriend lied AIBU

K83atie83 · 2023-01-29T23:42:29+00:00

My boyfriend has been off sick since Oct (we live together) thinks i don't know and has lied when i asked Tonight i asked him why he hasn't told me he's been off sick. His reply was he doesn't need to tell me. I am fuming. Who is wrong here?

007DoubleOSeven · 29/01/2023 23:43

Yanbu. What's he off sick with?

whitebreadjamsandwich · 29/01/2023 23:43

He's in the wrong.....wtf has he been doing for the past 3 months??

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/01/2023 23:44

Who do you think is wrong? Would anybody in the world think he was right?

Milkand2sugarsplease · 29/01/2023 23:45

I suppose he doesn't have to tell you but it's a bit weird that he's in a relationship with you and chose not to tell you - doesn't scream that you have the best relationship.

Original poster

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:45

Was covid at 1st now depession

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Original poster

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:46

Sat at home tossing it off probably

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Original poster

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:47

I agree with this. Screams he doesn't trust me. 4 years we have been together.
I am currently on the sofa literally debating packing and leaving right now

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GroggyLegs · 29/01/2023 23:48

WTF has he been doing with his life for 3 months & unless he's got amazing sick pay, who's paying the bills?

No he doesn't have to tell you, but that's not a partnership That's housemates.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 29/01/2023 23:49

Who pays the bills?

Do you have children?

Theunamedcat · 29/01/2023 23:49

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:47

I agree with this. Screams he doesn't trust me. 4 years we have been together.
I am currently on the sofa literally debating packing and leaving right now

Where is the debate he is not worth it pack up and leave

usernamechanged1 · 29/01/2023 23:50

If you like together, how was he covering it up? Did he leave for work as normal each day?

How did you find out he was off sick?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2023 23:50

How is it you don't know he's been off work since October? That doesn't even make sense.

Start packing those bags because this relationship is doomed.

Original poster

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:51

GroggyLegs · 29/01/2023 23:48

WTF has he been doing with his life for 3 months & unless he's got amazing sick pay, who's paying the bills?

No he doesn't have to tell you, but that's not a partnership That's housemates.

It's his flat. I contribute. He gets full sick pay for 6 months

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Original poster

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:52

ShellsOnTheBeach · 29/01/2023 23:49

Who pays the bills?

Do you have children?

I can't have kids. Really poorly awaiting a hysterectomy. Maybe that's why he hasn't told me as i have so much going on.

His flat so he pays i contribute

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Just4ThisThread · 29/01/2023 23:53

Depression can be an embarrassing and debilitating condition but it sounds like you think he’s full of shit. Leave then.

Original poster

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:54

usernamechanged1 · 29/01/2023 23:50

If you like together, how was he covering it up? Did he leave for work as normal each day?

How did you find out he was off sick?

He works from home so i guess it's been pretty easy for him as i work in the office

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Original poster

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:56

Just4ThisThread · 29/01/2023 23:53

Depression can be an embarrassing and debilitating condition but it sounds like you think he’s full of shit. Leave then.

I have depression myself. He knows all about me warts and all. He's been 100% supportive.

I just had a feeling he hasn't been in.

No idea where to go from here x

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usernamechanged1 · 29/01/2023 23:57

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:54

He works from home so i guess it's been pretty easy for him as i work in the office

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So I assume you’d come home, ask him how his day was etc and he’d make something up?

I think it’s such weird behaviour on his part. Very deceptive. I wouldn’t be able to forget this. It’s not like he lied and didn’t attend one shift, he’s been lying to your face for months.

DutifulDaughterWifeMother · 29/01/2023 23:57

Ask yourself 1 question & him ‘Am I in a relationship?’
Are you not meant to care for him? What is his definition of being in a relationship??
I am fuming on your behalf! What has he been doing all this time? Too many red flags here OP & only you know your environment & what he is really like but as an outsider just makes me wonder what else don’t I know…………?

Original poster

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:58

Aquamarine1029 · 29/01/2023 23:50

How is it you don't know he's been off work since October? That doesn't even make sense.

Start packing those bags because this relationship is doomed.

He works from home so easy to cover up. I had my suspicions and gave him times to tell me

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ViridissimaVirga · 30/01/2023 00:01

I don't get any of this, but it all sounds too complicated for an adult relationship. If you can't talk to him about any of it, and he doesn't feel he can talk to you (which I'm assuming is the case, as he would surely have told you what's going on otherwise), I'd say the relationship is over for both of you, and is waiting for one of you to put it out of its misery.

melj1213 · 30/01/2023 00:16

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:58

He works from home so easy to cover up. I had my suspicions and gave him times to tell me

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When did you start having suspicions? And why wouldn't you say anything as soon as you suspected?

I have anxiety and depression, the amount of times I have been in crisis and had people say "Why didn't you say anything before now, you know you can talk to me!" Is infuriating because it was taking all of my energy to just exist and I was deathly embarrassed (and yes a little bit of pride did get in the way too) to admit I was struggling. So I'd say nothing till I got to crisis because my anxiety and depression made it impossible to say the words "I need help" even when in my head I was screaming it.

The longer this went on the harder your partner probably found it to speak up, then you went and confronted him and he probably went into defence mode and instead of being supportive it's turned into a huge argument and now you're planning to leave, which is probably what he catastrophised would happen if he said anything in the first place and what stopped him saying anything sooner.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/01/2023 00:48

Bad enough he didn't tell you in the first place, but telling you that he doesn't see any need to tell you at all, ever, is awful. You're not his "partner". He has no intention sharing anything important with you.

Stop hesitating, do somewhere else to live, pack your stuff up and get out of there.

He is shown you who he is, believe him.

PousseyNotMoira · 30/01/2023 01:06

melj1213 · 30/01/2023 00:16

When did you start having suspicions? And why wouldn't you say anything as soon as you suspected?

I have anxiety and depression, the amount of times I have been in crisis and had people say "Why didn't you say anything before now, you know you can talk to me!" Is infuriating because it was taking all of my energy to just exist and I was deathly embarrassed (and yes a little bit of pride did get in the way too) to admit I was struggling. So I'd say nothing till I got to crisis because my anxiety and depression made it impossible to say the words "I need help" even when in my head I was screaming it.

The longer this went on the harder your partner probably found it to speak up, then you went and confronted him and he probably went into defence mode and instead of being supportive it's turned into a huge argument and now you're planning to leave, which is probably what he catastrophised would happen if he said anything in the first place and what stopped him saying anything sooner.

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Please explain why the onus is on her to be supportive to the man who has been lying to her for three months? Anxiety and depression are terrible, but they don’t mean your partner is required to accept shitty dishonest behaviour. If she doesn’t want to be with him after this, then she’s well within her rights to leave.

ArcticSkewer · 30/01/2023 03:30

If you are really ill, and also depressed yourself, I can see why he wouldn't want to stress you out more with worry about him as well. I was off with depression but never told my family as a close family member was going through cancer treatment and it didn't seem worth stressing everyone more.
He may also feel ashamed and was hoping he would just get better quickly.

Leave, though, if it's affected how you feel about him. Two people with mental health problems may not be the best match for each other in any case. You may both feel better if apart.