Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming boyfriend lied AIBU

59 replies

K83atie83 · 29/01/2023 23:42

My boyfriend has been off sick since Oct (we live together) thinks i don't know and has lied when i asked

Tonight i asked him why he hasn't told me he's been off sick. His reply was he doesn't need to tell me. I am fuming.

Who is wrong here?

OP posts:
Original poster
K83atie83 · 30/01/2023 07:51

Thank you everyone for all of your replies. We sat up until 3am talking.

I have also made a mistake (after going back through all text messages etc) he didn't actually lie about it. In fact some off this is also on me as he has said a few times in message i am off today and i haven't picked up on the pattern. So maybe i am a rubbish partner.

I told him the fact he hasn't told me is a huge issue to me. Makes me feel like he has a lack of trust in me. I asked why he didn't tell me and apologised for saying he didn't think like he should and said he was being defensive as i took him by surprise.

Long story short. He said that i have that much going on (had to go private for my hysterectomy as two year wait on nhs) he didn't want to put anymore burden on me and he can cope on his own.

I explained to him i understand why he would think that but we are a partnership and i want to know. We spend 3 hours talking and have sorted things out.

I am prepared for you all thinking i am a dick. But i love this man and want to support him in the way he has been there for me

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 30/01/2023 08:23

I wouldn't be with someone who could take the piss like that. 'Off sick' has to be the biggest rort there is. Clearly he's been managing other aspects of his life if you had no idea. He just got used to lounging around all day 🤷‍♀️

Confusion101 · 30/01/2023 08:31

@K83atie83 its very easy for people to read this without any knowledge of background or your relationship for the past few years and say "leave him" or "I couldn't do it". You seem to have had a reasonable chat with him and both laid your cards out on the table. You know what you expect from him going forward, which is to respect you in your partnership and be honest. It's up to him to step up to that expectation now. If he doesn't then you can consider your options but I think you have both done the right thing here.

Best of Luck with it all and mind yourselves during this stressful time for you both!

Aprilx · 30/01/2023 08:37

CJsGoldfish · 30/01/2023 08:23

I wouldn't be with someone who could take the piss like that. 'Off sick' has to be the biggest rort there is. Clearly he's been managing other aspects of his life if you had no idea. He just got used to lounging around all day 🤷‍♀️

Except when a female poster does it. Then of course it is fine to be off work for ten months and carry on with the rest of your life, because you have to put mental health first. A man does it and he is a waste of space.

Now that said, I agree that this relationship sounds like a very bad one and he should have told the OP, but I don’t know the reasons as to why he didn’t.

bitofablanklook · 30/01/2023 08:39

I think if he's not told you in order to protect you, then it's a bit strange but it's also not as bad as it initially seemed. In general, in a partnership you tell each other 'your stuff' so that you can support each other.

Is he getting any kind of help for the anxiety and depression? Presumably his doctor has to give him sick notes?

Original poster
K83atie83 · 30/01/2023 08:42

Confusion101 · 30/01/2023 08:31

@K83atie83 its very easy for people to read this without any knowledge of background or your relationship for the past few years and say "leave him" or "I couldn't do it". You seem to have had a reasonable chat with him and both laid your cards out on the table. You know what you expect from him going forward, which is to respect you in your partnership and be honest. It's up to him to step up to that expectation now. If he doesn't then you can consider your options but I think you have both done the right thing here.

Best of Luck with it all and mind yourselves during this stressful time for you both!

Thank you xx

OP posts:
Patineur · 30/01/2023 08:43

Is he getting treatment?

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/01/2023 08:43

Jesus wept. You can’t possibly have a relationship with someone who deliberately deceives you like this for over three months. Leave.

YouJustDoYou · 30/01/2023 08:44

He sounds like an absolute bellend loser. Dump him, you don't need that extra ballbag weighing you down.

Original poster
K83atie83 · 30/01/2023 08:45

bitofablanklook · 30/01/2023 08:39

I think if he's not told you in order to protect you, then it's a bit strange but it's also not as bad as it initially seemed. In general, in a partnership you tell each other 'your stuff' so that you can support each other.

Is he getting any kind of help for the anxiety and depression? Presumably his doctor has to give him sick notes?

Yes, we also discussed this last night, as I said to him his GP seems too quick just to throw pills at the problem as isn't helping his bigger issue. He has his next app next week

I am on my 3rd round with a counsellor doing CBT to help with mine along sider my meds.

OP posts:
Original poster
K83atie83 · 30/01/2023 08:45

Patineur · 30/01/2023 08:43

Is he getting treatment?

He is yes

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 30/01/2023 08:45

Confusion101 · 30/01/2023 08:31

@K83atie83 its very easy for people to read this without any knowledge of background or your relationship for the past few years and say "leave him" or "I couldn't do it". You seem to have had a reasonable chat with him and both laid your cards out on the table. You know what you expect from him going forward, which is to respect you in your partnership and be honest. It's up to him to step up to that expectation now. If he doesn't then you can consider your options but I think you have both done the right thing here.

Best of Luck with it all and mind yourselves during this stressful time for you both!

Seriously? He’s lied to her deliberately for a quarter of a year.

Imagine if he weren’t being paid and this led to financial problems. I can’t believe people are justifying this.

Flowersintheattic57 · 30/01/2023 08:47

Glad it got sorted.
But make sure you prioritise saving money for yourself in your own savings account/ISA as your housing situation, with him owning makes you vulnerable.

Hoppinggreen · 30/01/2023 08:50

K83atie83 · 30/01/2023 07:51

Thank you everyone for all of your replies. We sat up until 3am talking.

I have also made a mistake (after going back through all text messages etc) he didn't actually lie about it. In fact some off this is also on me as he has said a few times in message i am off today and i haven't picked up on the pattern. So maybe i am a rubbish partner.

I told him the fact he hasn't told me is a huge issue to me. Makes me feel like he has a lack of trust in me. I asked why he didn't tell me and apologised for saying he didn't think like he should and said he was being defensive as i took him by surprise.

Long story short. He said that i have that much going on (had to go private for my hysterectomy as two year wait on nhs) he didn't want to put anymore burden on me and he can cope on his own.

I explained to him i understand why he would think that but we are a partnership and i want to know. We spend 3 hours talking and have sorted things out.

I am prepared for you all thinking i am a dick. But i love this man and want to support him in the way he has been there for me

Sound like he’s managed to flip the whole thing back onto you.
Nicely done that man

Original poster
K83atie83 · 30/01/2023 08:50

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/01/2023 08:45

Seriously? He’s lied to her deliberately for a quarter of a year.

Imagine if he weren’t being paid and this led to financial problems. I can’t believe people are justifying this.

Show quote history

As explained in my update I made a mistake he didn't actually lie

OP posts:
Original poster
K83atie83 · 30/01/2023 08:51

Flowersintheattic57 · 30/01/2023 08:47

Glad it got sorted.
But make sure you prioritise saving money for yourself in your own savings account/ISA as your housing situation, with him owning makes you vulnerable.

I have my own bank account and savings account

OP posts:
Eleganz · 30/01/2023 08:56

K83atie83 · 30/01/2023 08:50

As explained in my update I made a mistake he didn't actually lie

Show quote history

You can lie by omission. A few texts that say he is off on a particular day or so is not the same as "the doctor has signed me off long term with depression". Don't be fooled into thinking it was your job to put pieces together like Sherlock Holmes. He was not open and honest with you about this.

I appreciate you've had a talk and are looking to move on together but for me it would be a serious red flag about his reliability.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/01/2023 09:00

K83atie83 · 30/01/2023 08:50

As explained in my update I made a mistake he didn't actually lie

Show quote history

But he has lied by omission. He has drip fed little bits of information but has failed to tell you that his depression was bad enough that he needed to take three months off work. Three months.

He's failing to give you an accurate picture of the situation. He may not have told an outright untruth about his whereabouts but he's allowing you to remain in the dark about critical information.

As I've said already, imagine if he had not been on sick pay and had not had money coming in and failed to tell you and you were now, as a household, behind on mortgage payments. He's not giving you sufficient information to plan for your financial wellbeing.

You say you love him and want to support him but there's a quid pro quo: he has to be transparent with you otherwise this support is something which could be damaging to you.

That would be a total dealbreaker for me.

CJsGoldfish · 30/01/2023 09:01

Except when a female poster does it. Then of course it is fine to be off work for ten months and carry on with the rest of your life, because you have to put mental health first. A man does it and he is a waste of space
I think anyone who does it is a cf 🤷‍♀️
OP is already rewriting the narrative so it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks.

Original poster
K83atie83 · 30/01/2023 09:01

Eleganz · 30/01/2023 08:56

You can lie by omission. A few texts that say he is off on a particular day or so is not the same as "the doctor has signed me off long term with depression". Don't be fooled into thinking it was your job to put pieces together like Sherlock Holmes. He was not open and honest with you about this.

I appreciate you've had a talk and are looking to move on together but for me it would be a serious red flag about his reliability.

Show quote history

I agree he was not open and honest.

If it all goes tits up then that is on me

OP posts:
ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/01/2023 09:03

Eleganz · 30/01/2023 08:56

You can lie by omission. A few texts that say he is off on a particular day or so is not the same as "the doctor has signed me off long term with depression". Don't be fooled into thinking it was your job to put pieces together like Sherlock Holmes. He was not open and honest with you about this.

I appreciate you've had a talk and are looking to move on together but for me it would be a serious red flag about his reliability.

Show quote history

Yeah sorry it’s this bit that is really out of order IMO. Because you’ve got angry, he’s found a way of ‘blaming’ you for not noticing a pattern and making an assumption. Except, you did notice a pattern because otherwise you’d still be none the wiser.

Obviously only you can say if this is a leavable offence - I think probably not, but don’t ‘accept blame’ here. This isn’t your fault or responsibility.

ShakespearesBlister · 30/01/2023 09:06

I'm seeing this both ways. He's on full pay for 6 months so what he does isn't having any financial impact on either of you. If rent and bills were falling behind that's different. If he'd covered it up a bit better you'd probably have been none the wiser but I agree it's odd that he wouldn't be honest about it when it doesn't really have any financial impact anyway. The real question is would it have bothered you if he had told you about it, seeing there's no real impact financially at least short term? Now if he had been lying about going to work while gambling the rent or shagging another woman...

MadeForThis · 30/01/2023 09:17

I find it hard to believe that in 3 months you never asked him how work was today or do you have a busy day tomorrow?

DrManhattan · 30/01/2023 09:23

3 months off and you didn't notice?

Well done that man for turning it all around on you. Keeper

monsteramunch · 30/01/2023 09:24

MadeForThis · 30/01/2023 09:17

I find it hard to believe that in 3 months you never asked him how work was today or do you have a busy day tomorrow?

This. He must have lied at some point when mentioning what he did during the working day for three months?