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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel strange about my friend's break up news?

54 replies

Celia24 · 29/01/2023 19:10

I've been best friends with a guy for many years & we've almost always been in serious relationships since we met. About 5 years ago I confessed feelings to him, which was the wrong thing to do, as he was in a relationship at the time. I was in my early 20s, emotionally immature and going through the death of a family member. Eventually I got over it and the friendship recovered.

After my relationship ended I became single again & over the last year I've seen a lot more of my friend. We've gone on hikes, a few dinners etc, all platonic and above board.

Earlier we were chatting when he asked if i wanted to take a short trip somewhere with him in a few months which I said I'd think about. Later he sent a text simply saying 'I wanted to tell you that I've left girlfriend'. For some reason I feel strange all of a sudden because this would be the first time we've been single at the same time if we do go on a trip. Am I being silly here?

OP posts:
Keeva2017 · 29/01/2023 19:13

Sounds like it’s now or never OP. Do you think he might feel the same way?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 29/01/2023 19:15

Sounds like you need to think about how you feel about your friend now and have an honest conversation to avoid any awkwardness.

jtaeapa · 29/01/2023 19:17

sounds like he wants to give it a go with you and has done the decent thing in breaking up with GF, rather than cheating on her

what do you have to lose?

Original poster
Celia24 · 29/01/2023 19:18

@Keeva2017 I dont know. I did have some feelings for him 5 years ago, but I'm older and wiser now I like to think.

I love him for sure, he is one of just a few friends that are like family to me.

I thought he would marry the girlfriend so I'm a bit shocked. So the fact is that we've been spending loads of time together but it's not as though my feelings have been bubbling under the surface during that time. He is my friend. But we have never been single at the same time either.

OP posts:
Duckduckgooseagain · 29/01/2023 19:18

Go for it! It sounds a movie plot, decent man splits with girlfriend to start dating his dream girl he’s always had feeling for. Sound the movie love Rosie

Original poster
Celia24 · 29/01/2023 19:22

Duckduckgooseagain · 29/01/2023 19:18

Go for it! It sounds a movie plot, decent man splits with girlfriend to start dating his dream girl he’s always had feeling for. Sound the movie love Rosie

Unfortunately @Duckduckgooseagain that is the film that gave me the confidence to tell him the first time!

At the time he was in the early days with his girlfriend and it was wrong to tell him anyway. He also said I was his best friend and lovers come and go, so he worried about losing me forever if we tried. I disagreed because I thought it was a great foundation. It was a long time ago and we've never talked about it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 29/01/2023 19:23

Although I'd say we weren't as close as we are now 5 years ago. I suppose the point is I don't know what's in his head and I'm not sure how I feel either.

OP posts:
Purplepepsi · 29/01/2023 19:25

This is pretty much what happened with my husband! We knew each other for years as friends and in other relationships. I had feelings and he didn't so I moved on. Eventually he caught feelings at a mutual friends wedding and called me to tell me! We've been married for 14 years!

TintyMinty · 29/01/2023 19:26

If you are older and wiser what character traits can you see in your friend - good and bad?

Original poster
Celia24 · 29/01/2023 19:55

@Purplepepsi thanks for sharing! so when he came to you with feelings did you still have feelings all along? Or did it take some time to come around to the romantic idea?

OP posts:
CatWorm · 29/01/2023 19:57

Looks bloody fabulous!

CatWorm · 29/01/2023 19:59

Sorry thread switched back to my previously viewed. Ignore that!

(go for it though.)

Toomuchinfor · 29/01/2023 20:03

The way he's phrased it sounds like he thinks it's important news for you. He could have been much more casual.

Original poster
Celia24 · 29/01/2023 20:10

Toomuchinfor · 29/01/2023 20:03

The way he's phrased it sounds like he thinks it's important news for you. He could have been much more casual.

That's what I thought. Said like a big announcement with no further context. I havent responded yet.

OP posts:
BillyDeanisnotmylover · 29/01/2023 20:17

Celia24 · 29/01/2023 19:22

Unfortunately @Duckduckgooseagain that is the film that gave me the confidence to tell him the first time!

At the time he was in the early days with his girlfriend and it was wrong to tell him anyway. He also said I was his best friend and lovers come and go, so he worried about losing me forever if we tried. I disagreed because I thought it was a great foundation. It was a long time ago and we've never talked about it again.

Show quote history

So he didn’t want to lose you back then as gfs come and go. But now you’re both older. Potentially this relationship could be the forever one. If you still have any feelings for him, I’d def give it a go!

newstraightteeth · 29/01/2023 20:18

Just reply, 'sorry to hear that, hope you're ok' and act normal. See how things unfold when you see each other next

lljkk · 29/01/2023 20:19

If he's on rebound, go slow. He may not know what he wants, either.

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 29/01/2023 20:20

Celia24 · 29/01/2023 20:10

That's what I thought. Said like a big announcement with no further context. I havent responded yet.

Show quote history

He could have told you because he thought you might be hesitating to go away with him because he’s in a serious relationship. He really might not want anything more than to go away as friends.

Justalittlebitduckling · 29/01/2023 20:37

That’s him trying to shunt you out of the friend zone. Don’t mess him around.

Original poster
Celia24 · 29/01/2023 20:42

@Hellodarknessmyoldpal this is good advice, I'll sit with it for a while.

Good points - we have lots in common, love each other's company, he's objectively good looking & he previously told me I'm his type so there's likely some attraction there. He's been a solid rock through bereavement, break ups & a health scare.

I really value his friendship and I'm not sure I want it to change to something else even if he does. I love him to bits but I'm not that starry eyed 24 year old anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celia24 · 29/01/2023 20:44

Maybe I'm over thinking. Maybe the answer is actually 'go on the trip and see what happens.'

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 29/01/2023 20:47

I’d say don’t over think it. See what happens. What I’d want to know is why he’s split. Is it because he’s realised you’re the girl for him? Or has his split up for some other reason?

Humptydumptyfellapart · 29/01/2023 20:48

Go for it. As in the trip. You have nothing to lose!

No romance, you still get a nice trip away with a good friend.

Some romance from him but you're not interested, put it down to being away and caught up in the moment, and get back to being friends.

Some romance and you both realise it's mutual, winner.

It's a little similar to mine and my DH story. We were both interested at the wrong time for each other over the years, and eventually it all lined up as we grew up and went through life bits, and here we are.

Follycastle · 29/01/2023 20:51

IMO the clue is in the way he phrased it “I’ve left girlfriend”. He wants you to know he ended it.

Yellowcakestand · 29/01/2023 20:51

Ohh interesting! What kind of trip. What do you feel now, has this news changed anything

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