To feel strange about my friend's break up news?

[Celia24]

I've been best friends with a guy for many years & we've almost always been in serious relationships since we met. About 5 years ago I confessed feelings to him, which was the wrong thing to do, as he was in a relationship at the time. I was in my early 20s, emotionally immature and going through the death of a family member. Eventually I got over it and the friendship recovered.

After my relationship ended I became single again & over the last year I've seen a lot more of my friend. We've gone on hikes, a few dinners etc, all platonic and above board.

Earlier we were chatting when he asked if i wanted to take a short trip somewhere with him in a few months which I said I'd think about. Later he sent a text simply saying 'I wanted to tell you that I've left girlfriend'. For some reason I feel strange all of a sudden because this would be the first time we've been single at the same time if we do go on a trip. Am I being silly here?

Do you know how recently the break up was?

And did he talk about the 5 year relationship?

What was your impression of it?

Sounds like you have loads in common and have come through some tough life stuff - it’s much more important to judge how you cope / behave / relate under stress than the easy fun stuff.

Maybe take some time for it to sink in emotionally.

@TintyMinty personally think the writing has been on the wall between them for years and quietly wondered why they're still together. When I saw him last he did say he wasn't really happy but didn't go too much into it - we just focused on having a good time.

We had a wobble a year ago when an hour before we were due to meet and I was en route his girlfriend made a huge fuss & wanted him to stay home with her instead. When we met a few days later I said I wouldn't be messed about like that by friends, we talked it through and he apologised. It was obvious then things were not rosy.

I think mainly she decided she didn't want to have kids and he does want to - I reckon everything has stemmed from that but I can't speak for them @TintyMinty

Goodness me, everybody saying go for it - he's just come out of a five year relationship! OP you need to tread very carefully here, he is on the rebound - even if you are the woman of his dreams you don't end a five year relationship without any trauma, he will be grieving. Did you know that the relationship was in trouble?

Sounds like the ExGF didn't want him to be rushing off to meet YOU, op?

Oh yes, take it slowly, yada yada.
OP, I hope you'll invite us all to the wedding ☺️
Or at least, keep us informed. The only way you'll know what's in his head is by listening to what he has to say.

Just focus on being a good friend. Breaking up after 5 years must be devastating even if it was his choice. Just be what you are, his friend.

OP have you ever kissed him.....snoggy type kiss ?
Can you imagine having sex with him ?

I know, you're right. I was broken after my break up and he was really there to help me get better. I think he needs that from me now.

I would keep it simple right now, with a short bit supportive message along the lines of ‘so sorry, break-ups are tough, hope you’re ok?’

Between now and the trip, work out how you feel. How do you feel when you think about him? Can you imagine kissing him, getting naked with him etc?

See if you can gauge from his reactions to chat about the trip of he’s talking a friends trip or potentially more.

This is excellent advice. Do this.
But am also here for the post where you finally get together 😊

Maybe he's been thinking about you since you said how you felt...and can't get you out of his head?

Sounds promising if you still have feelings for him!

I think it will all come out when you go away, if there are feelings there on his part. So before that happens, you need to get your head straight about what you want and also prepare for if actually he wants to just keep things in the friend zone.

This is how my now DH handled getting rid of a relationship to let me know he liked me. Big significant announcement about how he was no longer with his then GF. But I was too thick to get it and then almost passed out with shock when he announced he has feelings for me when we’d been friends for 6 years.

Don't overthink this one. He's told you he's single but you are still 2 friends going away together. He can lay his cards on the table and put a spotlight on them but you keep yours close to your chest.
There are so many ways this could go but one scenario is that you end up in bed because he's on the rebound. That's not necessarily a bad thing if you can accept that for what it is but I suspect if you do takes things further you would be planning for a future together.
You don't seem excited OP, you sound more discombobulated.
Small point (but it would matter to me) but how much has he disclosed about the proposed trip. If I found out l was simply filling in for the exGF for an already planned trip I'd be annoyed. I'd also test the ice by casualky mentioning other things you'd like to do but further in future, eg Xmas in Lapland. Then you'll know he's not planning dating (anyone else) between now and then.
Eyes wide open OP 👀

@JudgeRudy good advice thanks

So the trip came up because we were talking about something we have in common & I said I wanted to go an event related to it this year in another country. He then said 'you and I could together if you like?'. So it's definitely not based on something pre-planned.

Yes I'm a bit discombobulated, but only a bit! For my part I'm finally open hearted and ready to start dating in general. I'm not 100% sure how I'd feel about dating him until I'm with him again. We'll either stay friends or maybe it'll grow into more. It's early days all round 🙂

Go on the trip.

Keep your head.

Don't fall into the trap of hoping this will be your "happy ending". Life doesn't work like that and who wants the start of a relationship to be an ending anyway (always thought that was a weird phrase)?

Don't lose sight of what you want out of life in order to make your dearly loved friend happy.

Don't be afraid of new or scary feelings, risk, or the chance of real happiness. If it feels genuinely good, go for it.

I thought I was on this course with one of my male friends. I was in love with him for years. 15 years later and I am happily married to someone else who's a different personality entirely. We are all friends. I think a relationship with my friend would have been disastrous. But who knows, at a different time, in different circumstances, it might have been great.

There's no such thing as fate. You have multiple choices, chances and combination of happiness ahead of you.

HAVE FUN.

When would the trip be?
How regularly do you see him otherwise?

Promise you’ll keep us updated OP?

This website is like another planet.

If a woman came on here and said "my boyfriend is spending all this time alone with a very close female friend who admitted she had feelings for him once, and I have to fight to get him to choose me over her, our relationship has been really rocky but he continues to spend loads of time with her" everyone would be telling her to LTB and calling the female friend all sorts of nasty names.

And yet here we all are, egging OP on to immediately jump into a relationship with this man who, in all honesty, she has likely been having an emotional affair with for some time. Bravo MN, you've outdone yourselves.

Would you still occupy twin positions of GF and BFF though?

You wouldn't want him recruiting a new female best friend, once he has moved you to the position of girlfriend

He seems to enjoy triangulation soo you do you boo

Wouldn’t that depend on who was posting for advice? The OP was upfront about having developed an attraction to her friend five years ago, he was in a new relationship, wasn’t interested and said so. They continued friends. Her attraction passed off. I don’t see any evidence of an ‘emotional affair’, unless you class any closeness between straight people of opposite sexes an ‘emotional affair’. In which case I’ve been conducting several for decades, while being happily married.

Be cautious, OP. Think about what you really want. Is the discombobulation because your earlier attraction is gone, or because it isn’t?

Go on the trip and just see what happens 😊x

I think you should be there for him and support him as a friend over his long-term relationship break-up. If you try and make a move on him now, you really could muddy the waters and lose him as a friend. Give him time to get over his ex, be a good friend and see what happens.

Think about it this way. How would you feel if he got together with another woman and it was looking serious?

Don't overthink.

Act normal. Text him a supportive back.

Go on the trip. See what happens.

You being happily married is the key point here, presumably you have healthy boundaries in place with all your opposite sex friends. Demonstrably this guy did not with OP. OP herself has admitted she and he have been spending enough time together in recent years that it caused rows between him and his girlfriend, I'm sorry but that's just not a healthy friendship between two people of opposite sexes.

And I'm mostly just talking about the hypocrisy of MN as a whole - I guarantee you that none of the women going "YOU GO GURL" on this thread would be happy with their husbands spending an unreasonable amount of time with an exceptionally close female friend who admittedly fancied their husband in the past.