To think the "perfect relationship" doesn't exist?

[M23D]

Surley everyone argues? Is it small arguments, big arguments how bad do they get?

Really giving up here tbh been with DP 14 years we have DC1 11, DC2 3 and Currently 8 months pregnant with DC3.

Not had the easiest of relationships but hard work and determination got us through alot. DP works away so I'm at home alone with DC and also working part time (would have been full time but childcare was costing more than I would earn). So I'm pretty much doing everything myself, looking after DC, the house, doing all shopping, making sure bills are paid, kids get to any appointments, clubs etc. Kids don't stay out or go to any family members so it is just us other than school, childcare and work.

When DP returns home 2 days per fortnight its like he just looks for problems, he never comments on how much I've done it's always what I haven't done for example went for a full shop fridge and freezer are full but I forgot to pick up coffee (only he drinks) so I'm lazy and don't care about him because if I did I would make sure there was coffee in.

Just constant arguments and belittling when he's home and it makes me wonder does every relationship have "issues" or is there really such thing as the perfect one.

Nobody is perfect but he’s treating you like a housekeeper. He should be excited to see you when he gets home not nit picking about what hasn’t been done. Of course it’s annoying to run out of an essential like tea or coffee but honestly in the grand scheme of things I wouldn’t spoil a reunion if I didn’t see much of my spouse by moaning about it, I’d nip out and buy some.

@ItsAnOrgasmNotAFabergeEgg it's becoming draining not sure if it's the hormones but I've just had enough and it got me thinking does everyone have stupid arguments or is it just us. In terms of the coffee when it runs out I forget because I don't drink it nor do I have anyone over at the house who may drink it sort of out of sight out of mind and its only remembered when he's home.

I am the opposite, I would be annoyed if I only got a weekend home every fortnight and my partner hadn't got tea or any of the basics in for my return, it just shows a lack of empathy IMO.

@Keyansier the coffee was just an example there has been other issues but in terms of coffee no one else drinks it in the house, I don't have anyone over who I may have offered a coffee to, which would then remind me that DP had finished the coffee before going away.

He leaves early in the morning I'm not in the habit to check the coffee pot as its only ever used when he's home so if he finishes the coffee on his last morning home while I'm still in bed then I'm not exactly to know the coffee is done.

If I was the only one who drank coffee I'd bring it home with me.

Are you happy doing everything?

It doesn't sound great, especially calling you lazy when you've worked your arse off while he has been away.

For what it's worth, you did ask, we pretty much have a perfect relationship. We don't argue, never have. We help each other and put each other first. Occasionally there might be a niggle but after ten minutes we are laughing about it or have a cuddle.

@Petrarkanian i wouldnt complain about doing it all myself I've became accustomed to it, I'm in a routine with DC and everything runs smoothly.

When DP returns home there isn't a massive difference or role shift so I'm still pretty much doing everything bar the odd occasion DC will ask DP to do something for them. Although with him being home there's added stress of trying to get everything "right"

I don't believe in the perfect relationship, but there's definitely got to be an understanding of mutually respecting each partner (though I am guilty of lacking this, so is my DH, definitely not perfect over here).

The coffee incident does seem like picking a fight for no good reason. He could go out and get coffee anytime surely. You have a lot of responsibilities to deal with as it is and I think you deserve for him to recognise this rather than put you down for a very easy and honest mistake.

I am the opposite, I would be annoyed if I only got a weekend home every fortnight and my partner hadn't got tea or any of the basics in for my return, it just shows a lack of empathy IMO.

But since you aren't and never will be 8 months pregnant, parenting two children solo and juggling everything, maybe stop advising women who do. THIS is what I meant a few threads ago when you were baffled that I thought you were sexist. This right here. You have absolutely no idea what it's like but you STILL think you know better.

OP, he can buy his own bloody coffee if he wants it. Calling his 8 month pregnant partner 'lazy' when she's running the home solo makes him an arsehole.

And no relationship is perfect, not one. But when I used to work away, and come home, I knew (even if I was tired) that I was on deck immediately, working with DH to run the house and parent. If tea needed bought (which he doesn't drink) I would have bought tea. I wouldn't have dreamt of calling him lazy.

Is there such thing as a perfect anything?

But I do think he was out of order. You are probably both feeling the pressure, but he needs to acknowledge what you do. I would write it all down and tell him that's why you forget coffee. All he has to do is walk to a bloody shop and buy some ffs.

I do think every relationship has their issues and that arguments aren’t always a sign of problems, it’s normal to find other peoples ways of doing things frustrating at times and disagree. I think different people have differing ideas of what ‘argument’ means. But what you are describing sounds like an annoying issue and that you should make time to sit down and tell him how it’s making you feel. Especially as you are heavily pregnant. I’d like him to reflect that you deserve a bit more respect for all you are holding together before you are away.

as an aside, we have a list in the kitchen where if there’s anything that DH wants like the coffee, we both add to it and I check it before ordering a shop. Tell him you’ll use a system like this and won’t have the time to check the coffee pot, that’s not a reasonable request.

There’s “not perfect” (but generally happy) and there’s “miserable”.

Yours sounds more the latter, though possibly exacerbated by him living away most of the time.

What does he do up? Where does he work? Just general will do. I don’t need his nautical insurance number

@Loafbeginsat60 apparently he works harder "I only work part time in an office job which involves sitting down all day".

This is what I mean, we argue over these things and after it we pretty much don't speak the whole time he's home. I love how your relationship sounds, have you been together long if you don't mind me asking?

I've been in a depressingly similar situation myself. I'm surprised responses so far have been so measured. He sounds awful.

You're 8 months pregnant and running the show at home. There's no way he should be belittling you.

Appreciate you're not necessarily in a position to be making big decisions while about to give birth but if this is a pattern of behaviour I'd be telling him his fortune (as my mil says)

after it we pretty much don't speak the whole time he's home

This is so sad. Do the children feel awful as well if he's in a permanent mood?

I work school hours, have long holidays. He works 7.30/5 every day and never takes holidays. He still thinks I work as hard as him as I do all the kid stuff, cooking, laundry etc.
But he is building us a house, washes dishes, cars, does the fire, takes the dogs out etc etc. He also sorts out lots of life admin and is fab at paperwork and arranging things.

We have both been married before and unhappily so this is the first time I think either of us has felt properly appreciated. We have been together 3 years and married for 2.

We do nice things for each other and it doesn’t feel like an effort because we both feel the other is worthy of it!

Between us we have 3 kids 10-18, a building site, a farm, a very full on business, horses, dogs and so life is really busy and time together is precious. Maybe we are just too busy to argue!!

You've got two kids and are pregnant with a third..... he calls you lazy. Don't make excuses that everyone else's relationships are a bit rubbish in order to minimise the fact that your husband is a twat.

Sorry, but it doesn't seem you have much of a relationship worth bothering with. He's hardly ever there, it's pretty shit when he is. What's the point?

There is absolutely no recognition no matter how many times i try and explain that I'm doing it all while working part time or not he says because he works 12 hour shifts 2 weeks at a time that he does alot more.

I've even explained that once his shift is done he can go back and go to sleep whenever he wants he has time for himself whereas my work shift finishes I still need to come home, cook, clean, sort the kids for the next day and settle them in bed. All in all I'm doing more than a 12 hour shift each day but because it's not "work" it's not classed in his eyes as being on the same level.

@BitOutOfPractice industrial labouring

It doesn’t sound like he wants to be there

It sounds like you are a single parent

8 months pregnant is a full time job, working part time is part time, full time mother to two other children, running a home - exactly hor is it contributing to family life (not money to the pot) where is his emotional, physical, affectionate, humour and supporting the mental load of you never mind the children ?

Does he have any redeeming qualities? Why are you with him? You don’t seem to like each other much.

No, I don't think the perfect relationship exists.
But I think abusive ones do. He might not be physical, or shout or have a temper. But your "D"H sounds like a twat.

My DH ran out of decoderent the other day. We have a noticeboard in the kitchen that we write little odd bits on, he had and I forgot to order it on the shop for him.
Have a guess what he did....
He never said a word to me, he jist popped into asda on his way home from work and bought some....he even rang me to ask if I wanted cake and/or chocolate.

He's not perfect. I'm not perfect. But we RESPECT each other, and we value each others contribution to the family and house, which is what your post boils down to.

As he is home so little why is he causing petty arguments?! Ridiculous waste of what should be quality time together. Me & my DH never have a proper argument, there might be an odd 1 minute bicker about something trivial but even that is very rare tbh

@whirlyswirly I'm on the verge of it hence the post tonight, I didn't want to be harsh as I know my hormones have been wild recently so wanted to post to see what types of responses I got x

@MrsTerryPratchett oldest absolutely dotes on dad so can never see any wrong on his part and becomes quite hostile towards me during these times. Not always, when it's good it's great but when he does go in these moods it's emotionally draining.

@Loafbeginsat60 sounds like you would be kept busy lol, wish my DP was as understanding. I do tend to do nice things for him if I see something while he's away I'll pick it up for him and I always look forward to him coming home so I can give it to him but it's never really reciprocated.