To think the "perfect relationship" doesn't exist?

[M23D]

Surley everyone argues? Is it small arguments, big arguments how bad do they get?

Really giving up here tbh been with DP 14 years we have DC1 11, DC2 3 and Currently 8 months pregnant with DC3.

Not had the easiest of relationships but hard work and determination got us through alot. DP works away so I'm at home alone with DC and also working part time (would have been full time but childcare was costing more than I would earn). So I'm pretty much doing everything myself, looking after DC, the house, doing all shopping, making sure bills are paid, kids get to any appointments, clubs etc. Kids don't stay out or go to any family members so it is just us other than school, childcare and work.

When DP returns home 2 days per fortnight its like he just looks for problems, he never comments on how much I've done it's always what I haven't done for example went for a full shop fridge and freezer are full but I forgot to pick up coffee (only he drinks) so I'm lazy and don't care about him because if I did I would make sure there was coffee in.

Just constant arguments and belittling when he's home and it makes me wonder does every relationship have "issues" or is there really such thing as the perfect one.

@Purplestripe the sad thing about it is I actually love him but beginning to think the feelings not mutual.

It sounds like he takes you for granted. Is he open to improving the communication between you? Like you’re not being “heard” if you have to keep explaining to him what your life is actually like (because he isn’t there for a good portion of it - lots of people have similar so I’m not against working away, but you do both need to be able to talk to each other to maintain intimacy and understanding and not take the other for granted). But you can’t fix things by yourself.

No I don’t think there’s any perfect relationship, there’s always something!

@Youcunnyfunt while he is in his mood there's no talking to him as it just becomes even more of a situation, and after a few days of no communication its like all is forgotten. I'm just exhausted with it all.

No, sorry I don’t really argue with my DP. It’s not perfect but it’s respectful. Sometimes I feel annoyed by him and vice Versa but we talk/laugh it off as it’s not either of us doing intentionally shitty things to each other. Often it’s just something thoughtless that we can say ‘hey that was kind of annoying’ and the other person will say sorry. We try not to hold grudges either.

i think it sounds like he is selfish and critical and you should say something and not just put up with it.

The biggest thing I can think of with my Dp is that I once had an incident happen and I was all flapping and panicking and he didn’t react with gushing sympathy to me and I felt like he was laughing at me which hurt my feelings. I told him his reaction was upsetting me but I realised I was also being a knob, and we sorted it out by saying we were both knobs. We also ask each other if we have done anything knobby to each other lately and air our silly petty grievances and laugh about them. Respect is your issue here. He is disrespectful

@Habber this is what I try and do if I'm wrong I apologise etc but it's not mutual, sometimes I can tell he's peed off about something and I'll ask is everything OK you look bothered by something and it's like he literally sat and thought of things to complain about like... I never slept well last night it was too hot did you touch the heating settings, nope I didn't touch them, well someone has touched them. Even though I know I haven't touched them i just give up because regardless of how many times I say I haven't he's adamant someone has and the only other person in the house that knows how to change the heating is of course me.

You sound like you have to walk on eggshells around him. That's no way to live. It's clear how miserable it's making you.

oldest absolutely dotes on dad so can never see any wrong on his part and becomes quite hostile towards me during these times.

That's actually quite worrying. Dad isn't there and when you fall out it must be you because the security isn't there with dad. The teenage years will not be great if this is the pattern. You being the punching bag for both of them.

He has no respect for you or the work you do to keep your family going.

My marriage is far from perfect but we respect each other and the effort we put into our relationship. We don’t pick fights and argue rarely, and never about petty stuff.

Being a petty cunt is a choice.

imagine if the coffee conversation, for example, went more like:

’oh no - we’re out of coffee - can you add it to the regular shop? I really hate it when we run out’

Rather than his nasty pickiness.

You’d be better off alone and you know it.

Where did all this come from? I wasn't advising the OP - I wasn't even responding to the OP, I was replying to somebody else and saying my opinion, I didn't say anything remotely close to: "OP, you are wrong, and these are all of the reasons why I think you are wrong and I am right..."

I am the opposite, I would be annoyed if I only got a weekend home every fortnight and my partner hadn't got tea or any of the basics in for my return, it just shows a lack of empathy IMO.

You said it lacked empathy. You said that a woman who was solo-parenting two children and 8 months pregnant who didn't buy coffee lacked empathy.

I wanted you to understand why, on the other thread, many posters were saying you are sexist. You denied it, I provided an example. If you don't want an example of your sexism, why did you ask on the other thread? It's also a fantastic example of mansplaining. Don't know what it's like to be pregnant, or parent? Don't let that stop you telling women what they should be doing. And yes, technically you didn't tell the OP what to do, you just judged her.

Yes, I said that's how I would feel if this scenario happened to me. I was saying that if my partner didn't have any essentials in on my return then that's how I would feel. I thought you'd have easily understood that there wouldn't be a pregnancy involved from either parties in my scenario, but maybe I should have spelled it out.

I even changed it from 'coffee' to 'tea' because I don't drink coffee...

Then you're responding to a completely different question. So maybe don't comment. No one needs your reckons when you have absolutely no experience. You do understand that how it comes across is that without any life experience or even the risk of something happening to you, you think your opinion is useful. It's not.

Or, you could say, "if I wasn't parenting, and I wasn't pregnant, and I wasn't left to do everything at home, then I'd like my partner to buy tea, not coffee because I don't drink it." And everyone could see your opinions are completely irrelevant to the actual question.

@Keyansier

The point is that you feeling like that is irrelevant as THE OP IS PREGNANT AND THIS POST IS ABOUT HER.

You saying how you’d feel is irrelevant as you have zero idea what this situation is like.

Neither you nor your partner will ever be pregnant and given your particular personality you don’t have the required emotional intelligence to understand how a heavily pregnant, working mother, with no present partner feels being derided for not buying FUCKING COFFEE.

No point asking on MN as apparently all relationships and marriages on here are perfect and no-one EVER argues with their partner/spouse.

I argue with mine.

He's just not a twat like OP's husband.

Are you physically incapable of going to the shop yourself to get some.

It's not up to you to dictate what threads people can or can't comment on, no matter how much you would like that. I could offer your same suggestion back if I wanted to be rude and tell you if you read a reply you dislike then "maybe don't comment".

Why are you getting so worked up about what I wrote? I left a response, not even to the OP - to somebody else entirely, and you have jumped down my throat, levelling accusations that I'm calling the OP lazy - I haven't even replied or wrote a post to the OP once on this thread so how can that be even correct?

It's not up to you to dictate what threads people can or can't comment on, no matter how much you would like that. I could offer your same suggestion back if I wanted to be rude and tell you if you read a reply you dislike then "maybe don't comment".

I'm being helpful. You asked on the other thread for examples of why posters thought you are sexist. I found one. You asked, I answered, you (of course) are moving the goalposts. Maybe look in a mirror.

My DH used to work away during the week, back home late Friday, away early Monday. When it first happened, we had three DC and I was pregnant with the fourth.

He used to walk in the door and get stuck in. If it was bathtime, he'd take over, if I was making dinner, he'd set the table and help if I needed it. Whatever was needed, he did.

He reckoned from the start, that I had a harder job, as I was on call 24 hours a day, whereas he got unbroken sleep four nights a week. He would get up if needed during the night when he was home so I could rest.

He used to walk in the door, give me a huge hug, then the DC, then ask me what I needed him to do.

That's being a husband. Not being a prat. That's what you should be expecting as normal.

He sounds Ike a good 'un @AuntyMabelandPippin

And that's exactly what I would do when I was away for a week at a time working.

I’m sorry op. No relationship is perfect but your dp sounds unpleasant and misogynistic. It’s worrying that this is rubbing off on your son too. I think I would head to a hotel the next weekend he comes home, leaving him with the 11 and 3 year old, and let him get on with it.

Seriously though, my dh used to work long hours away from home and he used to come back home and cook and take the dc out as he saw it as his chance to give me a break because he felt bad at being away so much. You really don’t need to stay with someone who is unkind. Kindness is everything.

You don’t need to answer this but seeing as you are pregnant, did something change in him recently? Or has he gradually been getting worse?

He is. But I hope, most men are. If not, why not? If we had a problem, I'd air it with him and he'd listen and (almost always) see my point of view. Why don't women do this these days?

Today young women seem to be just thankful to have a man around. I really, really hope my boys don't see women like that. I'm hoping they take their father's view as moot.

I think terrible relationships always existed and horrible men did too.

Talking to these type of men doesn't do anything.