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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop going to church

60 replies

MeghanThyStallion · 28/01/2023 21:17

I've been attending church and being an active member of the congregation for the last 18 years. In that time, I've become part of a community of wonderful, interesting people. However, I've also had several bad experiences that have sapped my faith and enthusiasm. I can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed going to church. I go because I had a very strong faith and promised to bring up my DC in the church.

The DC are now asking to not go any more and I'm wondering what's the point. WIBU to give everyone a lie-in on Sundays instead?

OP posts:
AndyWarholsPiehole · 28/01/2023 21:21

YANBU but have you tried a different church?

PenCreed · 28/01/2023 21:25

Seconding trying a different church. We were going to one that was making me miserable, sapping my faith and generally my face didn’t fit. We’re now much happier at a different church. Leaving and going elsewhere is perfectly acceptable.

Original poster
MeghanThyStallion · 28/01/2023 21:25

I moved around a lot when I was younger but not since I had the DC. I'm not interested in changing denominations.

OP posts:
cloverz · 28/01/2023 21:27

You don't need anyone's permission to stop going.

What are the bad experiences though?

lifeinthehills · 28/01/2023 21:27

Does it have to be all of you or none of you? If your children are of an age to make the decision not to go, but you still get something out of the social aspect of church, can you go without them? New church if you've outgrown this one.

Discuss all the options with your kids then decide. No right or wrong. I know some people see church as a non-negotiable but you can have faith and not go to church (or the other way around).

Original poster
MeghanThyStallion · 28/01/2023 21:33

The bad experiences: being expected to put up with an abusive husband for the sake of the children/our promise to God when we got married. Repeatedly being given service, teaching and leadership assignments that I couldn't do, either because of time constraints associated with being a single mum or because my mental health was so poor after escaping from said abusive marriage.

I just don't believe in any of it any more, but feel guilty about leaving all the nice people to the crazy/demanding ones.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeghanThyStallion · 28/01/2023 21:34

I wouldn't go of it wasn't for the DC. I like the music, but that's it.

OP posts:
jannier · 28/01/2023 21:40

MeghanThyStallion · 28/01/2023 21:33

The bad experiences: being expected to put up with an abusive husband for the sake of the children/our promise to God when we got married. Repeatedly being given service, teaching and leadership assignments that I couldn't do, either because of time constraints associated with being a single mum or because my mental health was so poor after escaping from said abusive marriage.

I just don't believe in any of it any more, but feel guilty about leaving all the nice people to the crazy/demanding ones.

God wouldn't want you to be abused or to teach your children that it's okay to be abused or do the abusing it sounds like your church isn't about comfort or support but in promoting obedience to men.....what does your faith give you? It should be positive and supportive

lifeinthehills · 28/01/2023 21:40

Quote: I just don't believe in any of it any more, but feel guilty about leaving all the nice people to the crazy/demanding ones.

Let go of this. It's not your problem.

jannier · 28/01/2023 21:41

MeghanThyStallion · 28/01/2023 21:34

I wouldn't go of it wasn't for the DC. I like the music, but that's it.

Dc doesn't want to go...you can play the music at home is that enough of a reason to continue?

SaltanVinegar · 28/01/2023 21:46

Life’s too short, so spend your time how you like. The kids don’t want to go, and you say you don’t believe in any of it anymore. I can’t see a reason to stay.

mnahmnah · 28/01/2023 21:48

I would certainly stop going to that church. Take a break from it all. Reassess what you truly believe and if you want to be part of a church. If you do, find one that suits you better. You don’t have to change denomination, just find another CofE/catholic/Methodist church in the area

TomPinch · 28/01/2023 21:50

There have been long periods of time when I've gone to church just to worship God and have communion. No need to socialize with anyone.

That's true of your DCs too, although I've never forced mine to go.

cloverz · 28/01/2023 21:50

MeghanThyStallion · 28/01/2023 21:33

The bad experiences: being expected to put up with an abusive husband for the sake of the children/our promise to God when we got married. Repeatedly being given service, teaching and leadership assignments that I couldn't do, either because of time constraints associated with being a single mum or because my mental health was so poor after escaping from said abusive marriage.

I just don't believe in any of it any more, but feel guilty about leaving all the nice people to the crazy/demanding ones.

That's not right or Christian. You don't have to go and that doesn't sound like a good environment for the kids either. You can still believe even if you don't attend church and no-one is going to punish you even if you've stopped believing.

There are a lot of very flawed clergy with questionable opinions and congregations with very archaic, misogynistic views. What you describe sounds like an evangelical church where old-fashioned gender roles are still considered the norm. Not all churches are like that. And not saying it is only evangelical churches, but that kind of advice is just not on...You'd be surprised how accepting and welcoming some churches can be! Finding one with a woman priest could be a start...

DDivaStar · 28/01/2023 21:50

If ots the community you want there are many community groups and volunteer opportunities which might suit you better.

SarahAndQuack · 28/01/2023 21:56

I would definitely echo PP saying find a different church. Of course you could also just not go, and that's fine too. I can't imagine God minds. I do see where you're coming from in feeling you're abandoning the nice people in the congregation, but honestly, I think if church is not working for you, it's right to move on. Those nice people could move too, if they wanted.

FWIW my mum dragged us to church as children, and she didn't much like it, and we didn't much enjoy it, and looking back, I think she felt much like you: that she ought to keep going. But there was no nourishment in that church and nothing that was helping any of us to grow or challenge ourselves or feel fellowship, or anything like that. My mum and brothers aren't churchgoers now, but I am, and I am lucky to have found a lovely church which really makes me feel glad to be there. I am absolutely sure this is the better option, and not just selfishly (it's not that I'm saying church ought to be the religious equivalent of a naice spa break). I'm a lot more able to do things I think are ethically important in this context.

Plus, TBH, if your children prefer a lie-in it could well be they're tired teenagers and really need it!

WhereIsMyRollingPin · 28/01/2023 22:00

There at plenty of really lovely things you could do with your DC on Sundays, or you could all have a lie in.

I'm not a Christian but it doesn't sound as if many of the people at your church are either.

Babdoc · 28/01/2023 22:04

OP, I have moved church a few times. It’s important to have one where you feel you fit.
I left one when the brilliant minister left for a senior role at head office, and was replaced by a grim curmudgeon who sacked the Sunday school teacher, preached that everyone was doomed to hell, and banned raffles (gambling!) and bottle stalls (alcohol!) from the church fete.
I moved to one in a different village 8 miles away, until their lovely minister retired, and was replaced by basically the vicar of Dibley, but without the humour.
I then attended my own village church where they had appointed an excellent lesbian feminist minister who was a fiercely intelligent, double qualified lawyer/priest with great taste in music and a wonderful sense of humour.
Then she moved north to a new parish, and was replaced by two dumbed down happy clappies. I am now investigating two possible churches, one in a village up in the hills, one in our nearest city 10 miles away, both with good recommendations.
Someone really should start a Tripadvisor for churches! Grin

cloverz · 28/01/2023 22:09

Babdoc, there is the Mystery Worshipper!

www.shipoffools.com/mystery-worshipper/

jackstini · 28/01/2023 22:10

Am loving the idea of a TripAdvisor for churches @Babdoc

OP - it definitely sounds like this particular church is not right for you. You mention not changing denomination (not sure which it is) but is there another church if the same denomination but different attitude/atmosphere?

No issue to stop if it's what is best for you - but would you miss anything? (Or perhaps you already are)

A lady came to our (Methodist) church last week as she felt she could not continue as CofE but still wanted to worship

TomPinch · 28/01/2023 22:11

cloverz · 28/01/2023 22:09

Babdoc, there is the Mystery Worshipper!

www.shipoffools.com/mystery-worshipper/

Mystery Worshipper is ace!

SarahAndQuack · 28/01/2023 22:22

I like Ship of Fools, but they never seem to do places near us.

I do love the 'how warm was the welcome, how long was the sermon' format.

mnahmnah · 28/01/2023 22:28

Alternatively - have you heard of the Sunday assembly? Like a humanist church service. No god. Inspirational talks and songs. Community. Often held in churches, but without the religion!

www.sundayassembly.org/

lifeinthehills · 28/01/2023 22:36

cloverz · 28/01/2023 22:09

Babdoc, there is the Mystery Worshipper!

www.shipoffools.com/mystery-worshipper/

I haven't seen that for years! Must check it out. It was fun.

Tilllly · 28/01/2023 22:59

Change church. Stat!

I'd be horrified at that sort of pressure- bloody disgusting

We've had a few people leave ours over the years, and a few come in from other churches. A church should be about faith, yes, but also welcoming, hospitality, community

Go visit a few, see where you feel comfortable