To stop going to church

[MeghanThyStallion]

I've been attending church and being an active member of the congregation for the last 18 years. In that time, I've become part of a community of wonderful, interesting people. However, I've also had several bad experiences that have sapped my faith and enthusiasm. I can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed going to church. I go because I had a very strong faith and promised to bring up my DC in the church.

The DC are now asking to not go any more and I'm wondering what's the point. WIBU to give everyone a lie-in on Sundays instead?

I regard all religion as man (and I mean man) made nonsense, so I’d say have a lie in instead. There are 100 billion galaxies, each containing 100s of billions of stars and planets. Our planet (a tiny speck of dust in the vastness of space) is 13 billion years old, and had seen countless species come and go before we appeared (just 200,000 years ago). Homo sapiens nearly went extinct too, and probably will, sooner or later.

Considering all that, I very much doubt ‘God’ will be angry if you stop going to a particular building on a particular day. Personally, I find infinitely more beauty and truth and comfort in great literature and art. Why not stay home and read Dickens or Jane Austen instead? Or go to an art gallery and look at a few Monets and Pissarros and Vermeers.

I had a look at Mystery worshipper (thanks to all PPs who recommended) but couldn’t find anything for my area (rural Scotland).

JoonT, scientists can’t even explain how our universe exists at all, given that the Big Bang broke all the laws of physics. We Christians regard that as God’s moment of creation.
And OP wants a community of fellow worshippers, not a sterile atheist assembly. God does not get “angry” over minor details, He willingly suffered agonising death for us. He would simply be sad if OP felt so unwelcome in her church that she became estranged from Him. Any annoyance would be felt towards the church that was driving away His people.

Have a break and time to reassess your faith and what you want from going to church. You can always decide later you want to try another or actually you feel better by not going to any at all. Faith is very personal.

God probably doesn’t exist. Don’t feel bad for no longer going.

We're not going this morning. I feel like I'm bunking off school.

Did you miss that the OP says she no longer believes any of this , and therefore your attempt to describe the mental processes of a supposedly omniscient, omnipotent deity tutting in annoyance at an unfriendly or unpleasant church putting off his worshippers, or dying sacrificially in a curious echo of numerous other dying-and-resurrected gods, is irrelevant?

I'm not religious but had a religious upbringing.

We were taught that God is everywhere, anything that values creation is an act of worship - singing, walk in the country, volunteering etc.

I think you could never go to church again but find a spiritual practice of your own that gives you some of what you want. And join a choir for the singing!

If I were ever to go to church I'd go for quakers or unitarians, I think their approach to women is much more egalitarian. Most churches have deep, deep misogyny embedded in their thinking even if they claim to be modern in outlook.

I see church as restaurants, they all serve God but some are family friendly, some fine dining etc. You don't stop going out, you move. Don't forget church is about community too. You can get a lot from videos and live stream services but that personal connection is important, but possible to get without attending a traditional Sunday service.

To me church is for people who choose to go and that includes children, they can go when they are older if they choose too

Well, there's your answer. You only do it for the DC, they don't want to do it any more. So stop. There's no point wasting your time. If you want to, you can still follow the tenets of the faith without turning up at a building once a week for a ceremony that you dislike.

It would be a shame to throw out a life of faith for the sake if an obviously bad church. It sounds horrible. Mumsnet is majority atheist so asking here you pretty much know the answer you are going to get.

You say not interested in changing denominations but it sounds like you need to distance yourself from your present (former?) Church.

Plenty of lovely CofE methodist and Catholic churches that are nothing like your experience.

Even if you don't go to church any more I'd recommend finding someone of faith in the standard churches to debrief your what sounds like an evangelical church experience. I think it sounds quite traumatic.

Having a faith is an important dimension to life. I can't explain that except by personal experience (which will be scoffed at here). Try and remind yourself of what you got into your church for originally and think of your earlier relationship with God.

It is possible you are being called to a new faith experience if you are open to it. Don't let yourself be ground down by the bad church you currently go to.

I don't think a lie in on a Sunday morning is a worthy reason to throw away exploring something so life enhancing.

I'm up early for 9.30 mass but I have 1130 and 5pm options. I wouldn't not go and I wouldn't not bring my children up in faith but I accept they have to tread their own path eventually.

I think deal with your own faith issues and guide your kids but they will have to do the same.

It's not a methodist church, is it? I think I may know your brilliant feminist minister.

But it shouldn’t be like that. You don’t need permission to stop going. If these people are your true friends surely they would continue to be so even after you left the church?

If going is getting you down and is exhausting for you, what is the point of going? What do you get out of it then?

Some of these “promises” you made are toxic. Staying in an abusive relationship because you promised god, is a terrible reason, an outdated, awful and destructive belief.

You can still believe in god and not go to that church. Alternatively, there are so many other non religious organisations out there, that could wonderful for you. Your happiness and sanity is more important that pleasing this god.

I'm a lapsed RC. I used to go to mass twice each Sunday with my dad. We helped out doing the collection plate at the second. My dad was of the mindset that you couldn't attend mass and collect at the same service. It was his mindset (and the subsequent news of the abuse in the Catholic Church) that has put me right off ever going into a church again (except for weddings and funerals).

Go if you want to go. Stay home if you no longer believe or your faith is lapsing. It's entirely your choice.

Patineur, no, Church of Scotland. But delighted to hear there are two such excellent ministers! Mine also served as a military chaplain in Afghanistan and was appointed chaplain in ordinary to the late queen - she was hugely talented. I miss her dreadfully - she’s a hard act to follow, for any minister.

Your DC don't want to go, and from what you've described it's not a good place to take them anyway. Do some nice family activity in the real world instead maybe.

I was brought up Catholic. Haven't been to mass in years - apart from funerals etc. But I sometimes pop in alone , light a candle and say a prayer or just have a think.

I think continuing to go to a church where you are treated in the way you describe is the same as remaining in any other abusive relationship. Well done on escaping you ex- use that experience to drive you to shore up your boundaries. You clearly have difficulty prioritising your own feelings.

The lovely people at the church will meet you for a brew if they are as lovely as you think.

I’ve never been a churchgoer, so I don’t have the experience of stopping going, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to do something that no longer helps you or makes you feel good.

And from the sound of it, you’re better off being out of that environment. You don’t owe anybody a reason to stop going, and imo any god worth believing in would understand that.

So you only go for the children, but they don't want to go either?! Take a break, enjoy some Sunday lie ins. Don't feel bad. God is everywhere, you can connect through prayer. Churches have man made rules which only seems to serve the men! I left a church years ago. I still love God and connect through prayer. I encourage my children to use prayer too. But I wouldn't allow a church to brain wash them.

I go to church because I am the youngest in the congregation and they need me. ( I am 58yo).
The pandemic destroyed the last of my teetering faith, there is no way this world is controlled by a benign omnipotent presence.

Just because you haven't gone it doesn't mean you can't use this time for Reflection and giving thanks for the positive aspects in your life.

Attending church does not make you a better person. The way you conduct yourself does.

YANBU at all. The other nice people are equally free to leave, you are not responsible for them. Besides if they are genuine friends then you can see them outside of church.

OP I hope you are having a lovely morning. Some people get something out of going to a church on Sunday mornings (or another time, of course!) but there are so many lovely things you could do instead. Why not come up with a list with your DC and work through it.

Like others I also suggest exploring other churches in your area. With older children/ teenagers, an evening service can be particularly practical. But most of all, if you are going to be part of a church, you need to be part of a community that will build you up not break you down.

I hope you can find somewhere that is right for you.