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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel too much judgement from other mums

52 replies

SpicedAutumnPumpkin · 27/01/2023 19:58

Just that really. I am a happy mum who went through a lot including a bad postnatal depression with my first child which triggered my anxiety. My kids have always been very emotional and vocal and in the family we always talk through different feelings and analyse them and don't label things as bad or good , black or white. We moved to the UK quite recently and I feel a lot more 'mum judgement' here than I ever felt in my kids entire life.

I am quite a chaotic mum and perhaps I am a bit loud when I speak or express myself so if you don't know me personally and see me somewhere on my 'bad day' you might think that I don't have anything under control but it's just a fragment of my life really. Recently my youngest been going through some emotional crisis and having quite a lot of tantrums involving falling on the floor on her back , crying etc especially when overtired. I never shout on my kids or use threats so mostly try to calm the situation and somehow support myself and my kid through it and then try to leave and get fresh air. However recently I been getting quite a lot of side looks and comments from complete strangers when they see me in the middle of a stressful situation or something.

Again it might simply be that where I come from kids tantrums are quite normal and nobody would blink an eye seeing a slightly stressed mum trying to keep it together. Examples in the past week I can think of in the local play and dance event where I took my youngest it was a bit overwhelming so she had a tantrum and 2 random women just came to me telling me 'it's a struggle isn't it do you need some help'. It actually confused me as I didn't know them and it came across quite patronising cause they kept on saying to one another and smiling and laughing whilst standing on top of me how 'we all been there ' whilst my daughter was screaming hysterically and we both clearly needed space .

I feel like whenever my kids are having a big feelings moment people just stare or almost judge the ways you are dealing with it which adds really to the anxiety any mother probably is dealing with.

Does that happen to you or you got it mostly under control when out and about?

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 27/01/2023 20:02

Asking if you need help and saying we've all been there sounds like they were showing you kindness. If you feel like your methods are wokring crack on and don't bother about what others may think.

MimiandFifi · 27/01/2023 20:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NotSummerYet · 27/01/2023 20:04

You sound very self absorbed. And if you're all loud when you 'express yourselves' then you're going to get attention

malificent7 · 27/01/2023 20:05

Welcome to the land of the stiff upper lip ( suppressed emotions).
There are a lot of judgy mums unfortunately.

MsVestibule · 27/01/2023 20:06

In the situation at the play and dance event, it sounds as though the mothers were trying to support you. I know it wasn't done in a way you appreciated but I don't think they were judging you at all.

I think you need to carry on doing what you're doing - it sounds as though you have it under control - and ignore any stares.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/01/2023 20:06

“a big feelings moment” 😂

Prettybutdumb · 27/01/2023 20:09

OriginalUsername2 · 27/01/2023 20:06

“a big feelings moment” 😂

Reminds me of this mum who was super understanding of her son’s big feelings while he was screaming his lungs out and kicking her
seconds after trashing out my entire house.

I had my own big feelings on the inside.

Cornelious2011 · 27/01/2023 20:10

They were offering help. Yes tantrums are normal but if my dc had a tantrum in a public place, I'd remove them from that place- unless in a restricted area (plane/ train etc). Nobody needs to hear that and from your description it sounds like you have a softly softly approach.

allfurcoatnoknickers · 27/01/2023 20:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Agree with this - I've had several "We've all been there" and "Oh I remember those days. Hang in there!" comments from older mums when DS has been throwing a shitfit and I always thought they were sweet and supportive. Letting you know you're not alone.

Crabsy · 27/01/2023 20:11

Do you let your children scream and shout and “let out their feelings” even if it is clearly impacting on everyone else’s enjoyment of something? All I can think is that maybe your daughter was making so much noise and screaming etc and it was preventing the other kids from enjoying the dancing or whatever, and you seemed like you weren’t really doing anything about it. That annoys me - yes all toddlers have tantrums but everyone in the room shouldn’t have to listen to a long drawn out scream fest. If she’s making a racket then there’s certain places that you should really take her outside. Also FWIW I think it’s fine to teach kids that “all feelings are ok” but not “all behaviours are ok”. If you’re upset then kicking and screaming and throwing yourself on the floor is not the way to ask for help. Of course it’s what kids do but they need to be taught other ways of managing big feelings.

Crabsy · 27/01/2023 20:11

Cross post with @Cornelious2011 exactly my point

MrsMikeDrop · 27/01/2023 20:15

From what it sounds like your child is throwing a tantrum and you're just sitting there watching ie doing nothing (well maybe that is how it appears to people watching), so that's probably why they are looking at you. The situation with the ladies sounded like they were trying to be supportive and making the situation light-hearted by laughing it off.

TakeNoTwitsGiveNoDucks · 27/01/2023 20:16

Like pps, I think the example you gave sounds like they were trying to be nice.

Judgyjudgy · 27/01/2023 20:16

Crabsy · 27/01/2023 20:11

Do you let your children scream and shout and “let out their feelings” even if it is clearly impacting on everyone else’s enjoyment of something? All I can think is that maybe your daughter was making so much noise and screaming etc and it was preventing the other kids from enjoying the dancing or whatever, and you seemed like you weren’t really doing anything about it. That annoys me - yes all toddlers have tantrums but everyone in the room shouldn’t have to listen to a long drawn out scream fest. If she’s making a racket then there’s certain places that you should really take her outside. Also FWIW I think it’s fine to teach kids that “all feelings are ok” but not “all behaviours are ok”. If you’re upset then kicking and screaming and throwing yourself on the floor is not the way to ask for help. Of course it’s what kids do but they need to be taught other ways of managing big feelings.

Well said

Original poster
SpicedAutumnPumpkin · 27/01/2023 20:22

Crabsy · 27/01/2023 20:11

Do you let your children scream and shout and “let out their feelings” even if it is clearly impacting on everyone else’s enjoyment of something? All I can think is that maybe your daughter was making so much noise and screaming etc and it was preventing the other kids from enjoying the dancing or whatever, and you seemed like you weren’t really doing anything about it. That annoys me - yes all toddlers have tantrums but everyone in the room shouldn’t have to listen to a long drawn out scream fest. If she’s making a racket then there’s certain places that you should really take her outside. Also FWIW I think it’s fine to teach kids that “all feelings are ok” but not “all behaviours are ok”. If you’re upset then kicking and screaming and throwing yourself on the floor is not the way to ask for help. Of course it’s what kids do but they need to be taught other ways of managing big feelings.

Why did you instantly assume that though ? Why you assume I didn't take her out (I did we were in the hall area and not the dance studio) or that I don't teach her other ways of dealing with her emotions? I do but it's not a magic pull they don't work instantly. But I don't shout or use threats with children like ' we are leaving right now' cause I don't see them as a helpful long term strategy.

OP posts:
UWhatNow · 27/01/2023 20:24

I think a lot of the mental health issues children are facing in school is not helped by this over-emphasis on labelling feelings and pathologizing everything.

Sometimes not reacting, not labelling and not allowing children to indulge too much in big performative tantrums is the better tactic. Children (and adults) will have different emotions and that’s normal, but encouraging self-regulation produces far better life outcomes than making a big sing and dance about everything.

Just my opinion.

User367259791 · 27/01/2023 20:39

Is there maybe a language barrier? Those comments are supportive and literally what the kind mums I like would say! We have all been there!

You are obviously having a rough time, and yes there are some judgmental mares out there, but unless there is more to the story, I think you misread those comment.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2023 20:44

How old is the dance tantrumming child? Have I missed it?

milawops · 27/01/2023 20:51

Doesn't sound judgemental to me. Just sounds like offering solidarity. Mine had a massive meltdown in Tesco just before Christmas. I saw an older lady watching me trying to calm her down. When she walked over I thought oh god here we go. And this complete stranger patted me on the shoulder, said "you're doing much better than you think you are love" and walked off. I could have kissed her.

LimeTreeGrove · 27/01/2023 20:51

It does sound like they were being kind and helpful rather than judging you. Funnily enough there have been previous posts about how English kids are badly behaved and it wouldn't be tolerated in France etc!

boboshmobo · 27/01/2023 20:54

Sounds like a you problem! They aren't judging you , they offered to help !!🙄

Honestly no one cares if your kids are tantruming . I'm just glad it's not mine !

Original poster
SpicedAutumnPumpkin · 27/01/2023 20:55

User367259791 · 27/01/2023 20:39

Is there maybe a language barrier? Those comments are supportive and literally what the kind mums I like would say! We have all been there!

You are obviously having a rough time, and yes there are some judgmental mares out there, but unless there is more to the story, I think you misread those comment.

The commenting women didn't really intent to help though as both were just enjoying their coffee. They were just having their own chat and laugh but they constantly kept saying 'you are struggling ' when I wasn't and then just carried on talking to one another and laughing literally on top of me whilst my daughter was hysterical when it was quite obvious at this stage that we needed a bit of space. I literally never met them before so how would they help.

I often get a comment from the mum I know that I look like I am struggling but I am not I am just open when I say 'sorry we are having a bit of a moment here I will catch up with you in a bit'. I cannot imagine standing on top of another mum who is dealing with her child and like smiling and chit chatting to a friend. I would be more like 'I am here if you need me' but take your time and space .

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/01/2023 20:57

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2023 20:44

How old is the dance tantrumming child? Have I missed it?

Was just going to ask the same, is your family expressing the 'big feelings' quite performative?

Original poster
SpicedAutumnPumpkin · 27/01/2023 20:58

milawops · 27/01/2023 20:51

Doesn't sound judgemental to me. Just sounds like offering solidarity. Mine had a massive meltdown in Tesco just before Christmas. I saw an older lady watching me trying to calm her down. When she walked over I thought oh god here we go. And this complete stranger patted me on the shoulder, said "you're doing much better than you think you are love" and walked off. I could have kissed her.

That's quite a different feeling though. It wasn't 2 people openly laughing and discussing your child and you on top of you. That was quite nice of her and not intrusive at all.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/01/2023 21:01

The commenting women didn't really intent to help though as both were just enjoying their coffee. They were just having their own chat and laugh but they constantly kept saying 'you are struggling ' when I wasn't and then just carried on talking to one another and laughing literally on top of me whilst my daughter was hysterical when it was quite obvious at this stage that we needed a bit of space. I literally never met them before so how would they help.

am confused now, so you were in