Aibu to feel too much judgement from other mums

[SpicedAutumnPumpkin]

Just that really. I am a happy mum who went through a lot including a bad postnatal depression with my first child which triggered my anxiety. My kids have always been very emotional and vocal and in the family we always talk through different feelings and analyse them and don't label things as bad or good , black or white. We moved to the UK quite recently and I feel a lot more 'mum judgement' here than I ever felt in my kids entire life.

I am quite a chaotic mum and perhaps I am a bit loud when I speak or express myself so if you don't know me personally and see me somewhere on my 'bad day' you might think that I don't have anything under control but it's just a fragment of my life really. Recently my youngest been going through some emotional crisis and having quite a lot of tantrums involving falling on the floor on her back , crying etc especially when overtired. I never shout on my kids or use threats so mostly try to calm the situation and somehow support myself and my kid through it and then try to leave and get fresh air. However recently I been getting quite a lot of side looks and comments from complete strangers when they see me in the middle of a stressful situation or something.

Again it might simply be that where I come from kids tantrums are quite normal and nobody would blink an eye seeing a slightly stressed mum trying to keep it together. Examples in the past week I can think of in the local play and dance event where I took my youngest it was a bit overwhelming so she had a tantrum and 2 random women just came to me telling me 'it's a struggle isn't it do you need some help'. It actually confused me as I didn't know them and it came across quite patronising cause they kept on saying to one another and smiling and laughing whilst standing on top of me how 'we all been there ' whilst my daughter was screaming hysterically and we both clearly needed space .

I feel like whenever my kids are having a big feelings moment people just stare or almost judge the ways you are dealing with it which adds really to the anxiety any mother probably is dealing with.

Does that happen to you or you got it mostly under control when out and about?

Think I may change my user name to Big Feelings Moment. It sure beats the 'spoilt little shite' I think my own mother called me at a similar age.

‘We are leaving right now’ isn’t a threat in my book, it’s a promise that I carried out. Any screaming or kicking off led instantly to removal. Kids need to learn how to behave and tolerating screaming is not in my book.

"We've all been there" is what people say to show empathy. They are saying their kids tantrum too sometimes like yours was. They weren't judging you

Posted too soon!

The hall where these women were already sitting and chatting and having a coffee, and you're pissed off that they continued to laugh and chat and drink their coffee and not give you space?
Did you expect them to move and stop their conversation, and give you attention but still give you space?

The thing about 'expressing yourself' is that people got something to say about it and it goes something like this...they think you and the DC need a big strong hand to lift you to a higher ground and if the time isn't right then move on.

So your kids are older now than when you were in the other country. It becomes less accepted as they get older.

How old are your children? Generally I'd say that most people are sympathetic about tantrums from children up to age 3, but would expect 4 year olds and over to have better emotional regulation. That's not to say it's an altogether reasonable expectation but 4+ is reception-class age and people would generally think it was quite odd for a NT school age child to be throwing a full-blown tantrum.

If they are on MN they are judging you. Some of the comments on this thread confirm this.

It sounds like actually you’re the judgey one and other mums can’t win.
A mum literally offers you a sympathetic comment and offers some help and you still take issue with it.
No doubt if everyone ignored you then you would be complaining about ‘judgemental cliquey mums’ too.

The mums who commented were empathising.

When my dc were little, I knew that tantrums and hysterical laying on their back ‘big feeling moment’ crying meant that they were overtired. I would take them home to rest/nap. I never saw the point and didn’t have the energy to reason with an exhausted toddler.

There’s a difference between making it a threat, versus saying “you’re making too much noise in here. If you’re not able to quieten down then we will need to go home so that everyone else can still enjoy the dance show”. Those are just consequences.
kids need to learn pretty sharpish that screaming and shouting is not the way to a) get attention or b) get whatever else it is they want.
why do you think it’s not a helpful long term strategy, if you haven’t tried it?
Stop indulging every feeling. They need to learn they’re not the centre of the universe.

My god, op you write one thing in your op, then when you didn’t get the answers you wanted you changed it to something very different, these women being on top of you laughing at you.

I think you have some real issues, not least you’ll double down when told you’re wrong. You aren’t going to get help, so crack on.

So yes I agree with @Maray1967

We've all been there and do you need help are a british ways of trying to make you feel at ease. In particular the former, is a way of saying don't feel embarrassed or judged.

It sounds like you feel judged if they look and don't say anything, and patronised if they do say anything. There is no ideal response surely, it's tough to experience, and tough to witness to a lesser extent as a bystander.

Analysing the variable reactions of various bystanders only makes it worse for you. But honestly those ones were trying to make you feel better!

They weren’t judging you..they were being nice!

Also @SpicedAutumnPumpkin i do find that it’s a useful long term strategy. If kids realise that kicking off and screaming results in them having to leave the fun activity they’re at, then that is a clear consequence and they learn quite quickly that it’s not effective for them to just scream and shout. They get bored of it eventually.

She didn’t assume anything. She asked.

You’re not really coming across well here, OP.

One of the nicest 'other mum' moments I can ever remember was when I was in a supermarket with my youngest who was a baby at the time. My parents had my older child so for all intents and purposes I looked like a first time mum with a young baby. I stacked some glass bottles of cordial on the conveyer and one of them fell off and smashed. At that point my baby decided to start crying.

Another mum came up to me, offered help, grabbed a staff member to help clean up and said 'you're doing great you know, you really are this stuff gets easier'. It was SO lovely and so nice. As it happens I knew that because I was on my second go around and was actually laughing inwardly at my catalogue of errors but really appreciated that another person saw fit to come and help and make me feel better and reassure me.

Nobody's judging you OP. They're trying to reassure you and make you feel better. If you don't need that, that's fine but don't look down your nose on genuinely well intentioned help from fellow parents.

You would have judged the OP then?

I think the poster meant is English not your first language, from your written word it would appear not. But don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t write as well as you on my second language. So colour me impressed.

They were offering you moral support!

I try not to judge - I wouldn’t have said anything or made her feel awful by staring etc - but I found that making it clear what behaviour I expected followed by rapid removal if they kicked off worked pretty well. I only had to do it once to DS1 and probably 3 times with Ds2 for it to sink in.

What a perfect parent you are.

I’m not originally from U.K. and it’s taken me nearly 20 years to get used to British mannerism. I always felt judged initially and that was strengthened by people then having a light hearted laugh, which led me to feel even more misunderstood and hurt. I now understand it’s not intended that way. Could it be a culture clash for you as well OP?
I did have to tell well meaning family members sometimes that my way of coping is stepping aside for a few minutes to resolve the situation in private. We are all different.

Thank u so much for you beautiful post. It might be that. I always need a few minutes to myself too and have a social anxiety so really struggle in the situations when I feel some kind of pressure especially from strangers