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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL visiting at the weekends

58 replies

Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 13:47

Ok so DHs brother is very full on and goes through phases of calling into our home every weekend. Myself and DH have three children, 12,15 and 16 so kept busy and DH works long hours. Come the weekend we want to do our own thing and spend time together.
BIL currently lives in a hostel,has a drink/drug problem, divorced and doesnt see his children. He works full time and earns a very good wage. He is currently being assessed for ADHD.
He just turns up at our house on a Saturday night with alcohol and he's there for the night,has stayed on some occasions and will be here the whole best day. DH and I like a drink but not to excess and not every weekend night. We are usually up early on Saturday and Sunday for kids hobbies.BIL is extremely loud,thinks he knows everything and likes to tell myself and DH what we are doing wrong when it comes to raising our children, home improvements, holidays, other family relationships etc. He is very draining. My DH agrees but feels sorry for him because of his situation. I now dread every weekend waiting for him to arrive. He just turns up, he used to ring us beforehand but not anymore.
Last weekend I told my DH that his brother was not to call up. He agreed but didn't know how to tell BIL that we didn't want him calling around. DH said I was unwell so best not to call over. BIL rang continuously Friday night,he texted me to. We didn't answer. My DH had to text him on Saturday and Sunday to say best not call I'm as I was still unwell after he said be would call in.
I'm just waiting on his visit tonight. I feel my home or weekends are not my own.
How do we tell BIL not to just call in every weekend.

OP posts:
SleeplessInEngland · 27/01/2023 13:49

This is your DH's problem to deal with. He needs to set a mich firmer limit - maybe once a month at most - and stick to it.

ICanHideButICantRun · 27/01/2023 13:49

Oh god, what a nightmare situation. You're like sitting ducks, aren't you? I'm surprised he doesn't go to the pub, tbh. Doesn't he want to meet someone new?

Therealjudgejudy · 27/01/2023 13:56

This would wreck my head!

SeaShuunty · 27/01/2023 13:56

Get a ring doorbell, lock the door and close the curtains.

Gingernuttie · 27/01/2023 14:05

Ah I sympathize. My BIL used to have form for this too (though more like every two or three weekends but we still didn't want it). When I was pregnant it became extra unacceptable and DH just told him we weren't living that kind of life anymore. We needed alone time. We'd be delighted to see him for a couple of hours anytime, but only if prearranged like every single other visitor ever. BIL took the hump a bit but soon got over it!

Thehop · 27/01/2023 14:05

"We've decided we really prefer quiet weekends without visits. Obviously you're family, so we'd still like to invite you say first weekend of the month?

ShakespearesBlister · 27/01/2023 14:09

The way you just said it here. Can you only call round every other weekend as we need time together. Bye.

Why do people complicate things so much by being unable to communicate?

forrestgreen · 27/01/2023 14:09

What about inviting him round for dinner but say you've made the decision not to have alcohol in the house. That it's not a good way of life to show the children.

Might be a way round his constant need. He wants you to support his lifestyle, to make it acceptable. Drinking alone in a hostel isn't.

Kitkatcatflap · 27/01/2023 14:13

Is it because he is bored? Is it because he is not allowed to drink at the hostel? Your DH needs to tell him that you are busy - perhaps your DH can meet him out of the house, if he want to be supportive. Maybe invite him over for a dinner but DH has to make it clear that he is not staying over.

Also, next time he tells you how to parent - suggest he puts it into practice with his own children ....... but it's probably the all the ex wife's fault.

KateBalesCardi · 27/01/2023 14:14

Yep, forrestgreen has it, say you're no longer drinking at home/around DC and ask him not to drink/bring alcohol to your house, he will stop coming if he can't drink.

Ponderingwindow · 27/01/2023 14:20

You shouldn’t keep subjecting your children to their drunken uncle. Your DH has to talk to him. Personally I would want visits planned instead of by surprise, but either way, I would make them alcohol-free in the future.

2bazookas · 27/01/2023 14:20

TELL HIM. Stop dressing it up in fake excuses.

"You are an alcoholic and we don't want that around our children or home."

ChubbyMorticia · 27/01/2023 14:25

I’m probably not the best person to respond, because my patience with idiots is known to be nonexistent. But I’d honestly have snapped at him by now.

“BIL, worry about parenting your children, not ours.”
”BIL, try spending weekends with your family instead of invading ours.”
“BIL, try running your own life instead of ours.”

What benefit is there to his visits? He’s an active addict, unpleasant person. Does anyone enjoy his company? Your DH feels sorry for him, but pity isn’t helping anyone.

Cherrysoup · 27/01/2023 14:26

2bazookas · 27/01/2023 14:20

TELL HIM. Stop dressing it up in fake excuses.

"You are an alcoholic and we don't want that around our children or home."

This. Why on earth is your dh tolerating his crap behaviour round your dc?

Original poster
Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 15:36

Thanks for all the responses. DH is a people pleaser especially when it comes to his family. BIL is very immature and as I said DH feels sorry for him. He can't drink in the hostel but he does drink in pubs during the week. With regards to him finding a partner I don't think we could deal with that too as his choice in women leaves a lot to be desired.

Last Friday we told him we were going away, we were but cancelled the day before but didn't tell him as he would have called in. I know this sounds crazy but we parked our car around the corner and closed the blinds in case he came over to check.We had visions of him jumping the side gate and knocking on the back door.

I would love nothing more than to tell him we need time as a family and couple at the weekend but it's DHs brother snd I've already been in his family's bad books for speaking the truth before.

DH just got a voice message from him saying he will drop up tonight (he owes DH money). DH said if he sees we are not drinking he will leave. We have done this previously. It's just so draining.

Also, he is never drunk and has never done drugs in our home or in front of us. We know its something he does with his "friends"

OP posts:
BlueBooh · 27/01/2023 15:45

How can you live like this??? Who cares what DH's family says.

What about your own family??

What do you think you're teaching them?

Everyone is more important than them?

C'mon give yourself and DH a shake. Just tell DH to TELL his brother not to come this weekend.

Parking car round the corner, closing blinds? Madness. Do the kids have to hide in the corner too?

Original poster
Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 15:50

BlueBooh · 27/01/2023 15:45

How can you live like this??? Who cares what DH's family says.

What about your own family??

What do you think you're teaching them?

Everyone is more important than them?

C'mon give yourself and DH a shake. Just tell DH to TELL his brother not to come this weekend.

Parking car round the corner, closing blinds? Madness. Do the kids have to hide in the corner too?

I totally agree with you. It's crazy behaviour from him and myself and DH. I want and need DH to speak to him. It's not acceptable. I'm not saying anything as I've done this in the past and I'm the bitch whereas DH gets of scot free.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 27/01/2023 15:52

The only way is for your DH is have a proper conversation with him. Sorry DB we aren't available for a visit this weekend. Ill drop you a text later and we can arrange something soon. Or better yet sorry DB but you coming round for a sesh every weekend is too much for us, we need some quiet nights as a family.

Original poster
Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 15:59

I told DH that we need to talk about this because I'm not taking it any longer. DH family are very difficult so I know he is reluctant to rock the boat. I get the blame on everything anyway.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 27/01/2023 16:10

YADNBU - this would drive me mad, and probably impact my mental health after enough time.

Totally agree you need to tell your DH it has to stop.

He needs to prevent him turning up, and also respond differently if he does. No more drinking with you and staying the night.

Can DH arrange to meet him somewhere every other week on a weeknight so they see each other away from your home?

As an aside, I'm confused about why he lives in a hostel if he holds down a well paid job?

Tirediam · 27/01/2023 16:12

God this would bug this shit out of me!

EyesOnThePies · 27/01/2023 16:16

I can understand your DH feels compassionate towards him.

Can he take control of the situation by arranging to meet him for a drink (1 pint!!) in a pub? Get the invite in before BIL shows up, have one drink, and come home?

Even say ‘we can’t do time at ours this weekend, too much going on, so fancy a half at the pub?’ And NOT a pub within walking distance of your house!

turquoisegem · 27/01/2023 16:23

I thought family was meant to be the people you could say it how is is to.
If it was me I'd say we like to have quiet evenings these days, we'll have to arrange something and then when you do invite him say would you like to come round for an hour tomorrow lunchtime or meet for lunch somewhere.

If my family turned up unannounced I'd say next time can you call first please as I hate unexpected visitors, which I genuinely do, I like to have the house ship shape if someone is coming and not look like a scarecrow.

Stillcountingbeans · 27/01/2023 16:25

"I'm not saying anything as I've done this in the past and I'm the bitch whereas DH gets of scot free."

Why does it bother you what DH family thinks? Be the 'bitch' and own it.

Tell BIL exactly what you think - straight and blunt, no beating about the bush.

Tell DH he is a wet blanket and you are losing respect for him.

Tell yourself you have every right to be honest and open and truthful, that you have absolutely no obligation to be 'nice' to people who behave like arseholes, and most importantly that you will be setting a very good example to your DC by teaching them they don't need to tiptoe round on eggshells when they are being taken advantage of or being abused.

"Nice" is way, way over-rated.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2023 16:26

Who cares if your in-laws blame you? Honestly, take control here.