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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL visiting at the weekends

58 replies

Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 13:47

Ok so DHs brother is very full on and goes through phases of calling into our home every weekend. Myself and DH have three children, 12,15 and 16 so kept busy and DH works long hours. Come the weekend we want to do our own thing and spend time together.
BIL currently lives in a hostel,has a drink/drug problem, divorced and doesnt see his children. He works full time and earns a very good wage. He is currently being assessed for ADHD.
He just turns up at our house on a Saturday night with alcohol and he's there for the night,has stayed on some occasions and will be here the whole best day. DH and I like a drink but not to excess and not every weekend night. We are usually up early on Saturday and Sunday for kids hobbies.BIL is extremely loud,thinks he knows everything and likes to tell myself and DH what we are doing wrong when it comes to raising our children, home improvements, holidays, other family relationships etc. He is very draining. My DH agrees but feels sorry for him because of his situation. I now dread every weekend waiting for him to arrive. He just turns up, he used to ring us beforehand but not anymore.
Last weekend I told my DH that his brother was not to call up. He agreed but didn't know how to tell BIL that we didn't want him calling around. DH said I was unwell so best not to call over. BIL rang continuously Friday night,he texted me to. We didn't answer. My DH had to text him on Saturday and Sunday to say best not call I'm as I was still unwell after he said be would call in.
I'm just waiting on his visit tonight. I feel my home or weekends are not my own.
How do we tell BIL not to just call in every weekend.

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 27/01/2023 16:27

"Hey brother you're wrecking our weekends. Me & MrsFrankie are early risers with the children , take them to their activities; we've worked all week. find homework, and usually have our own plans.
We like to see you when we invite you, but that would be sometimes , not every weekend.
Bro you know you've loud opinions and you like to drink a lot, that's not me or my wife.
Stop turning up unannounced every Saturday as it's too much.
Go get some friends. "

CreaturesAreSleeping · 27/01/2023 16:31

It's possibly an alcohol free hostel.
That could be why he's coming to yours to drink.

butterfliedtwo · 27/01/2023 16:34

Your DH needs to prioritise his children and you and worry less about rocking the boat. BIL is doing this because he can. Because no one is saying clearly that actually, no, visits every weekend aren't going to happen anymore. Your husband needs to grow a spine, basically.

MysteryBelle · 27/01/2023 16:36

@Frankielovesme, would you like to solve the problem of the ‘ever visiting bil’?

Call him. Yes, you and dh call bil and invite him over. Tell him you’ll love to see him.

When he gets there, put him to work. I mean, don’t let him sit down AT ALL. Put him to work (as your teenagers are very busy and overwhelmed with school studies, you sadly explain), tell him you’re so glad he will help do WHATEVER you can come up with, the more annoying, sweaty, and heavy the task the better. Clearing out the shed, taping off and painting spare room, digging hole in cold hard ground for fictitious tree you’ll be planting, you get the idea. Be totally earnest in setting him to the business of WORKING as soon as he steps onto your property.

You’ve been giving him a soft seat and a captive audience while he drinks and takes over your home.

Stop. Do exact opposite of what he expects.

I guarantee he will never darken your doorstep again. He will avoid you and dh from now on. Try it. If you truly want rid of him, put him to work.

Do it this weekend. Tell us how it goes.

Original poster
Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 16:40

Thanks everyone. For those saying I need to say it,its not going to happen. It's DHs brother and he needs to tell him, I'm not giving him an easy way out. Not possible for DH to meet him for a drink, he is flat out with work all week and doesn't drink during the week either. BIL also lives in the city centre and neither myself or DH would drink there. He knows we don't drink during the week so doesn't call over then. Hostel is alcohol free.

He lives in a hostel because although he earns a good wage (trade) he spends it on drink and drugs. The hostel is a set amount every week for board and 3 meals a day with his own room. He is there because he is homeless. He had previously privately rented but got evicted for not paying the rent.

How can I make my DH tell his brother he can't just call in every weekend.

OP posts:
TiaraBoo · 27/01/2023 16:42

Get your DH to herd him out of the door saying bro, I’m having an “early” night with my wife, I’ll let you know when I’m free to meet up.

Original poster
Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 16:42

@MysteryBelle, That wouldn't bother him. He has done work in my house so this wouldn't bother him at all. He has a trade so is used to being active and busy.

OP posts:
bert3400 · 27/01/2023 16:47

I would tell him you don't want any Alcohol in the house for a few weeks as you and DH are cutting right back . Tell him he's welcome round for a cup of tea but no booze ...I bet that will stop him

Beautiful3 · 27/01/2023 16:48

We had a similar problem with fil too. I ended up ignoring the door. After a few times of not answering, he stopped coming over. I did that because my husband works shifts, and wouldn't address it. I'd be alone with the kids, and stuck with him. So I did what was best for me and the kids. My husband got so embarraseed as he messaged him, asking why I didn't answer the door. He made up excuses like she was in the bath because he couldn't tell the truth!

MysteryBelle · 27/01/2023 16:49

He’s not used to being active and busy doing things he doesn’t want to do at your house every single moment he’s there. He’s used to sitting there and drinking. What would you lose by trying my suggestion? Only a big glob of bil.

You’re dismissing everyone’s suggestions. You can easily stop him from coming. You just won’t do it.

Ohhhhhlalala · 27/01/2023 16:51

hugs!

Honesty is the best policy . I would tell him /
or You and DH together that it is too much stress/ pressure to have anyone over all weekend . That your exhausted and need time as a family . You are happy for him to come over ( for a roast once a month / or meet in a cage for breakfast etc ) but this can’t continue.

xxx

Original poster
Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 16:52

@MysteryBelle, He calls over at 8 30/9pm ,there's not much I can ask him to do then. I don't particularly want anything done at that time on my weekend nights.He actually fitted a new kitchen before Christmas for us.

I'm not dismissing suggestions. We have tried many things. The only solution is my DH telling him straight but he has difficulty doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 16:53

@Ohhhhhlalala ,thank you. I'm going to say this to DH. He can come over once a month when invited for a nice dinner.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 27/01/2023 16:54

Sorry OP, but if you can't lay it on the line with DH to address this then things will never change. He could be doing this for the next 30 years.

  • Stop caring what the family think - they are not the ones this is happening to. Or - send BIL round to them if they 'care' so much.
  • Stop thinking about the sensitivities of it being your DH's brother - he is an adult and if he's lonely or needs support then your DH can find another way to do this.
  • What would your DH say if this was your brother? I bet he'd ask for it to stop.
  • You're also showing your three children that this is OK, when it's not.
OriginalUsername2 · 27/01/2023 16:57

You have to be straight with him and tell him exactly what you wrote here.

Are you scared of his reaction or of being “rude”?

CopperMaran · 27/01/2023 16:58

Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 16:40

Thanks everyone. For those saying I need to say it,its not going to happen. It's DHs brother and he needs to tell him, I'm not giving him an easy way out. Not possible for DH to meet him for a drink, he is flat out with work all week and doesn't drink during the week either. BIL also lives in the city centre and neither myself or DH would drink there. He knows we don't drink during the week so doesn't call over then. Hostel is alcohol free.

He lives in a hostel because although he earns a good wage (trade) he spends it on drink and drugs. The hostel is a set amount every week for board and 3 meals a day with his own room. He is there because he is homeless. He had previously privately rented but got evicted for not paying the rent.

How can I make my DH tell his brother he can't just call in every weekend.

The only person’s behaviour you can change is your own.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/01/2023 16:59

Also, you have a mouth. If DH can’t do it, you do it. It’s your home.

MysteryBelle · 27/01/2023 17:00

There’s plenty you can tell him to do at 8:30 pm. Use your imagination. Moving heavy furniture, all kinds of things, especially things he won’t like. So what if he put in your kitchen. He expects to go and sit and drink. Make it impossible for him to sit down and drink. No drinking. No letting him sit and talk. Your h is more afraid of upsetting his brother than upsetting you, his wife. You’re never going to ‘make’ your husband take care of this. He should but he won’t.

This is so easy to solve. Why won’t you try it? You said you’ve tried many things but you won’t try this. What have you got to lose? You’re as stubborn as your h and bil are.

MysteryBelle · 27/01/2023 17:07

What you really want is for your husband to respect you and your home and children’s family life, which means he would have the guts to stand up for you and stand up to his brother and not let him take over your house. Do you not understand that what you’ve been doing is not working?

Your h is basically obeying his brother. You can change that if you really wanted to. You are scared to stand up and so is your husband. One of those things is very easy to change. You. Show him what standing up looks like. You are allowing this to go on. It’s ridiculous. I don’t understand these threads.

pizzaHeart · 27/01/2023 17:17

I wouldn’t give him any jobs because you would owe him for this. The only way is for your DH is to take control and to tell his brother not to come.
I would also worry for his influence on kids, especially your eldest, considering drinks and drugs, I know you’ve said that he doesn’t do dugs at yours but nevertheless,

Ohhhhhlalala · 27/01/2023 17:20

Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 16:53

@Ohhhhhlalala ,thank you. I'm going to say this to DH. He can come over once a month when invited for a nice dinner.

Honesty is the best policy .
I used to people please and worry and be terrified to offend others . I envied others who would say it like it’s !!!

But at what cost will this continue ? Your sanity ? Your Marriage??

Most people would have already told him this wasn’t suitable but as you haven’t he doesn’t know and your understandably at your wits end and drained .

Be honest xxx do this for you x

SunshineAndFizz · 27/01/2023 17:23

He's using you as a place to drink, if his hostel doesn't allow it.

Get DH to simply say "we need to plan visits a bit better, often we just want to chill out as a family, or have an early night at the weekends. But love seeing you - can we get a regular dinner in the diary"

MysteryBelle · 27/01/2023 17:27

pizzaHeart · 27/01/2023 17:17

I wouldn’t give him any jobs because you would owe him for this. The only way is for your DH is to take control and to tell his brother not to come.
I would also worry for his influence on kids, especially your eldest, considering drinks and drugs, I know you’ve said that he doesn’t do dugs at yours but nevertheless,

Not official jobs to claim pay but just ‘helping’ about the house. Have him help wash dishes even. Anything to keep him off the couch and off the bottle.

Goodness gracious, the obtuseness. It’s not his house. If the owners of the house are both too scared to stop someone from continually inviting himself over, then this is so easy and requires no courage and requires no effort. This will get good results, I promise you. What in in the world would you lose by trying it one time?

Coffeetree · 27/01/2023 17:34

Frankielovesme · 27/01/2023 15:36

Thanks for all the responses. DH is a people pleaser especially when it comes to his family. BIL is very immature and as I said DH feels sorry for him. He can't drink in the hostel but he does drink in pubs during the week. With regards to him finding a partner I don't think we could deal with that too as his choice in women leaves a lot to be desired.

Last Friday we told him we were going away, we were but cancelled the day before but didn't tell him as he would have called in. I know this sounds crazy but we parked our car around the corner and closed the blinds in case he came over to check.We had visions of him jumping the side gate and knocking on the back door.

I would love nothing more than to tell him we need time as a family and couple at the weekend but it's DHs brother snd I've already been in his family's bad books for speaking the truth before.

DH just got a voice message from him saying he will drop up tonight (he owes DH money). DH said if he sees we are not drinking he will leave. We have done this previously. It's just so draining.

Also, he is never drunk and has never done drugs in our home or in front of us. We know its something he does with his "friends"

Holy shit. It's like you're hostages. Just answer the door "No we're having family time. See you later." Then slam it shut. Why the hell is DH so frightened? He needs counselling.

Debtknell · 27/01/2023 17:37

OP, if you can’t enforce boundaries for your own sake, do it for your children. I grew up in a tiny house with my grandfather and great-uncle, which, because they were fine with that, was nightly open house for every local bore at a loose end throughout my childhood. Absolutely no privacy, no peace to do homework, watch tv, or just loaf. It was awful. My parents hated it but were too passive to act.