Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When does it get easier ?? 3 year old

66 replies

whenoplease · 26/01/2023 16:45

My DD just turned three and she's such a handful.

She has been a handful since she was around 15 months. Absolute park at 2 and a half.

Sometimes I think things are getting a bit better, but then we have some bad days.

The tantrums, the whingeing, the screaming when she doesn't get her way is really getting to me.

At the moment we are really struggling with brushing hair, bath time and drying hair. It's like someone is trying to murder her. She just screams her head off and I don't know how to help. I stay cool most of the time and name her feelings etc. I do that whole thing, but it's only getting about 10 percent easier I would say. Sometimes I just don't know if she understands me.

The main improvements have been that sometimes her tantrums aren't as severe and she calms down quicker. But there are still bad days.

She throws stuff around when she's angry and throws tantrums when things don't go her way. It's exhausting. When does this get better ?

I try to make sure she's not over tired / hungry etc. but some days are awful.

She's at nursery a few days a week ( she started a new one a few weeks ago ).

I really don't like screaming at her, but very occasionally I snap. She had a bath earlier and was an absolute nightmare. I stayed cool the entire time and she actually apologised to me afterwards, which I found interesting.

Then when I was drying her hair, I shouted at her a bit because she was just screaming the whole time and trying to run away.

At night she's been awake for 2-3 hours just whingeing and complaining and I also shouted at her last night because I just can't take it anymore. I've not had good sleep in so long as I also have a 9 month old baby and I'm currently ill, suffering from a migraine.

It's all a lot. What can I do to get her to just calm down ? I know not all 3 year olds are like this !

OP posts:
EspressoPatronum · 26/01/2023 17:00

Oh man solidarity, 3 is savage. I found my son started to get a lot easier at 4 and a half / 5.

he’s now almost 7 with a 3 year old sister who is HARD WORK…

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 17:05

I feel like when they are 3 there is more of an expectation for them to behave better. It's tough.

OP posts:
Didimum · 26/01/2023 17:32

Sounds like my daughter at 3. She got a little better into her 4th year. She’s almost 5 now and improving, though some days are still rough. It’s all about getting her own way, or over specifics of things, and she’ll throw a tantrum if not. We saw a child therapist over it at 3yrs as it was having such a bad effect on the family. We did a lot to let her have control over things that ‘didn’t matter’ (you want to wear sandals in the snow? Go ahead! See how cold your feet get. Etc). A visual days of the week chart that she could go check and ‘tick off’ herself. Giving plenty of warning and explanation of things that would happen, what was expected of her and the consequences of not doing it. Heavily using ‘when and then’ statements (when you’ve put your shoes on, then you can have a snack, etc). It all helped a little, but time and consistency helped the most.

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 17:41

Didimum · 26/01/2023 17:32

Sounds like my daughter at 3. She got a little better into her 4th year. She’s almost 5 now and improving, though some days are still rough. It’s all about getting her own way, or over specifics of things, and she’ll throw a tantrum if not. We saw a child therapist over it at 3yrs as it was having such a bad effect on the family. We did a lot to let her have control over things that ‘didn’t matter’ (you want to wear sandals in the snow? Go ahead! See how cold your feet get. Etc). A visual days of the week chart that she could go check and ‘tick off’ herself. Giving plenty of warning and explanation of things that would happen, what was expected of her and the consequences of not doing it. Heavily using ‘when and then’ statements (when you’ve put your shoes on, then you can have a snack, etc). It all helped a little, but time and consistency helped the most.

Ah that's interesting, I'm glad it's improving.

She also makes a huge fuss every morning, getting her ready for nursery. It's such hard work. Screaming, running away etc. doesn't want to get in the car etc etc.

I automatically prepare her for stuff already by telling her what we are doing in advance and throughout the process. Not much helps. She's a bit better when her dad is around, for some reason. But he's never here when we are getting ready for nursery etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 17:43

@Didimum did the therapist say it's just a phase or something you're doing at home that's causing this ? I'm just wondering if it's something I'm doing or not doing that's causing it.

She does have a baby brother, but most attention is and has always been on her !

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/01/2023 17:46

It’s nothing you’re doing, she’s testing her boundaries. Give her a reward chart or a time out warning/ implement when needed.

Didimum · 26/01/2023 17:58

whenoplease · 26/01/2023 17:43

@Didimum did the therapist say it's just a phase or something you're doing at home that's causing this ? I'm just wondering if it's something I'm doing or not doing that's causing it.

She does have a baby brother, but most attention is and has always been on her !

Yes, mornings were always the worst here too. Still are in fact - today was a bad one! They are much much less frequent though. The therapist never indicated a cause. All kids are different and push their boundaries in different ways and at different times. My daughter was a delight until she hit 3. My son (her twin) was a nightmare from 12 months til 3 and then he was a delight.

Be consistent but pick your battles. Let her have control when it’s not a big deal if she does - but give her the control before she throws a tantrum over it, or she’ll only learn that the tantrum is the winning behaviour. Sometimes when they are tired and/or hungry or ill there’s nothing you can do.

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:00

Could there be any SEN op? You say you’re not sure she understands you and the screaming for no apparent reason rings a few alarm bells. It does sound usual for a 3 year old.

RoseGoldEagle · 26/01/2023 18:02

I can relate to the feeling that somehow people think they should be behaving better at this age. (They really shouldn’t! Some do because it’s their temperament, but many more don’t, they’re still so tiny really).

My eldest was hard work from about 18 months til 3 and then suddenly improved a lot, and I think other people who experience this then have this expectation that by 3, they can behave pretty well. But my second- wowzers, he was a different story. Proper full on tantrums, screaming and shouting and throwing things. He is almost four now, and I’d say he has started to improved LOADS in the past few months (though is still way harder than his older sister was at the same age, but for him he’s a lot easier!).

What do nursery say about her? It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. The fact that she spontaneously said sorry to you is honestly amazing! Don’t be too hard on yourself for snapping sometimes, you are human and it’s so hard not to. Sorry I haven’t got that much advice but sympathy with how hard it is, and that it will get easier (I think in the very near future)

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 18:09

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:00

Could there be any SEN op? You say you’re not sure she understands you and the screaming for no apparent reason rings a few alarm bells. It does sound usual for a 3 year old.

No idea, could be. No one has ever flagged it really. I just meant when she's angry it's hard to get through to her sometimes. I definitely think her understanding is improving massively lately. She follows instructions etc.

Where 6 months or so ago I would tell her that I'm going downstairs and I'll be back with her milk or whatever, she would just lose it. Now she actually understands that and will say ' ok mummy '.. so at least I don't always have to drag her back down when I need to get something for her.

She follows instructions well, but doesn't always answer questions. When picking up from nursery if I ask her if she had fun- she'll say yes. If I ask her what she did that was fun- she won't tell me for example.

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 26/01/2023 18:12

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:00

Could there be any SEN op? You say you’re not sure she understands you and the screaming for no apparent reason rings a few alarm bells. It does sound usual for a 3 year old.

Only took what, 5 posts? 🙄 she’s 3. They throw tantrums, their raison d’etre is to push boundaries.

OP mine is the same, we call her Marie Antoinette at home - screaming tantrums whenever things aren’t exactly to her liking. I also got a spontaneous apology the other day so I think the talk about ‘feelings’ is sinking in. Solidarity, anyway. I find DD is actually quite reasonable if we explain why she can’t do something ‘no more sweets as the sugar might make your teeth fall out’ etc.

Cuppasoupmonster · 26/01/2023 18:14

Oh mine doesn’t answer searching questions about nursery either, but I just go by her key worker who says she is well liked but also has ‘special attachments’ and is always happy. I don’t think they can remember specifically what they did particularly when they’re tired. My friend says her son is the same.

Passportpondery · 26/01/2023 18:15

No advice but I’m right there with you.

I have an almost 4 year old who tantrums, shouts and screams all day at the minute.

laughingtick · 26/01/2023 18:15

My ds was a nightmare at 3 and it started to get better from 3.5 onwards. I honestly thought there was something wrong with him but the last month or so he is a totally different child. He sometimes has his moments but it's a lot better and I find it much easier to manage him especially out in public as he is now delightful and I actually enjoy his company now lol . His understanding is much better, speech has improved which helps and I talk to him a lot about feelings, what is expected, what will happen and consequences. I think over time their emotional regulation gets better but hang on there, there are brighter days ahead.

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:24

@Cuppasoupmonster I have two( now adults) and 3 was the age of reason in terms of listening more etc. Sure some tantrums but what the OP describes is quite severe. I also work in key stage 1 and see this pattern playing out.

Nightwithhertrainofstars · 26/01/2023 18:24

I really hope things improve for you soon! It must be so overwhelming especially with a baby to take care of as well. I also have a 3yo DD but her behaviour is mostly not too bad, for now.. I would say re. her not answering questions about what she did at nursery, this is incredibly common, even for years to come. I think maybe "what did you do today?" is a bit too general and more specific questions can help them, but probably only when they are a bit older. My DD is very chatty generally but refuses to answer that question and also "what did you have for lunch today?" I wouldn't worry about that at all and I also think it being very difficult to get through to her when she's in tantrum mode is also very normal. They sort of take leave of their senses and can't really listen or take things in until they calm down. And don't beat yourself up about losing your temper a bit sometimes, if you mostly stay calm, that's a big achievement!

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 18:25

I've had apologies quite a few times recently from her, which I think is a sign something is getting though. I wouldn't have got any about 6 months ago. Most of the time when she has a big tantrum, she just wants a hug and then she calms down. It's definitely the fact she can't regulate. But other people ( grand parents of course ) have started saying that she's spoilt and I'm too soft etc. the usual !

OP posts:
Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:26

Hi OP, wow we are in the same position!
My DS is 3 and also been a handful since about 15 months. I honestly offer you every single ounce of my sympathy xxx

My son goes to nursery 4 days a week and I find the day off we have without my DH the worst day of the week, which is sad to say but true.

Some things I really struggle with are feeling guilty that I'm constantly wishing he was older; mum guilt that I'm not good at parenting and disciplining, or bringing out the best in him; envy of people who seem to have a great relationship with their kids; anger at people who don't support me more like my parents who seem to think I'm soft on him; disappointment in myself for shouting at him so much and losing my cool then feeling guilty about it; and probably just an overall sadness that I don't enjoy being his mum very much right now (and probably haven't since he was around 15 months :-(

I can't offer any wisdom on the situation as he is my first, but I'm preying it gets easier. Good on you for dealing with the baby too. I am pregnant and slightly dreading going through it all again.

I dunno why people don't talk about difficult toddlers more, you know like on loose women! It's almost like a taboo subject and I love a good moan!!

Sending love and let's hope age 4 is easier than 3 🤞

HotSauceCommittee · 26/01/2023 18:28

3 1/2 - 4 was a lovely age for my first born, who was a little sod before that. It was sad really. I struggled so much, then he changed and was my little best friend, but then it was time for school. I'd have sent him to school from 1 1/2 - 3 year of age and then kept him just for me if I could have.
She sounds like she's getting there, OP. Keep the faith and try to laugh with her.

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 18:30

Things have improved. We've just had a rough few days I think. She's been unwell at home and bored.. it doesn't help.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 26/01/2023 18:32

My three year old is a monster. Honestly, she is absolute thug and bullies her two older brothers mercilessly and couldn't care less about getting told off or punished.

The older ones are 5 and 7 and both just lovely, I think the real turning point is somewhere between 4 and 5 and then they become more normal. I'm hanging on for dear life until she gets there!

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 18:34

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:24

@Cuppasoupmonster I have two( now adults) and 3 was the age of reason in terms of listening more etc. Sure some tantrums but what the OP describes is quite severe. I also work in key stage 1 and see this pattern playing out.

Thanks for diagnosing my child !

OP posts:
Topi226 · 26/01/2023 18:36

I have a 3 year old girl. I love her to bits but my god she really really makes me want yo break down sometimes (most of the time)
There is no rest bite from it. It's constant. I can't remember the last time we had a good day with her. Constantly battling with her. Over anything and everything.
I feel guilty when she due home from nursery and I dread it. I dread when dh is working and it's just me.
I can't wait for it to get easier. I miss my happy little girl

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:37

People do talk about difficult toddlers. Not heard of the ‘terrible twos’?

Original poster
whenoplease · 26/01/2023 18:39

It's so tough because my baby is now constantly on the go too. He needs constant supervision too.

I'm really on the edge today. I just can't take it all anymore.

OP posts: