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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When does it get easier ?? 3 year old

66 replies

whenoplease · 26/01/2023 16:45

My DD just turned three and she's such a handful.

She has been a handful since she was around 15 months. Absolute park at 2 and a half.

Sometimes I think things are getting a bit better, but then we have some bad days.

The tantrums, the whingeing, the screaming when she doesn't get her way is really getting to me.

At the moment we are really struggling with brushing hair, bath time and drying hair. It's like someone is trying to murder her. She just screams her head off and I don't know how to help. I stay cool most of the time and name her feelings etc. I do that whole thing, but it's only getting about 10 percent easier I would say. Sometimes I just don't know if she understands me.

The main improvements have been that sometimes her tantrums aren't as severe and she calms down quicker. But there are still bad days.

She throws stuff around when she's angry and throws tantrums when things don't go her way. It's exhausting. When does this get better ?

I try to make sure she's not over tired / hungry etc. but some days are awful.

She's at nursery a few days a week ( she started a new one a few weeks ago ).

I really don't like screaming at her, but very occasionally I snap. She had a bath earlier and was an absolute nightmare. I stayed cool the entire time and she actually apologised to me afterwards, which I found interesting.

Then when I was drying her hair, I shouted at her a bit because she was just screaming the whole time and trying to run away.

At night she's been awake for 2-3 hours just whingeing and complaining and I also shouted at her last night because I just can't take it anymore. I've not had good sleep in so long as I also have a 9 month old baby and I'm currently ill, suffering from a migraine.

It's all a lot. What can I do to get her to just calm down ? I know not all 3 year olds are like this !

OP posts:
Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:40

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:37

People do talk about difficult toddlers. Not heard of the ‘terrible twos’?

Yeah, but it's just a quick comment, like "ah terrible twos eh?"

There's no deep discussion to let off steam, everyone is too afraid of making their child look worse than everyone else's. Which is a shame as everyone probably struggles with it and if we were all just more honest (not just on mumsnet) everyone would feel 100x better!

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:41

I wonder how much is brought about from nursery all day every day. Partly it can be overwhelming for little chn to be stimulated all day and also for parents who are not used to looking after their children all day. I was a sahm before they went to school so life was more relaxed. No having to get dressed early and out of the house etc. yes I k ow that’s not possible for everyone or desirable for that matter .

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:42

And to add to that, it's always just terrible twos, there's the odd comment about threenagers but not enough so when people have a demon three year old (after struggling with a 2 year old as well) it can feel like it should've got better by now but it's got worse kind of thing..

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:45

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:41

I wonder how much is brought about from nursery all day every day. Partly it can be overwhelming for little chn to be stimulated all day and also for parents who are not used to looking after their children all day. I was a sahm before they went to school so life was more relaxed. No having to get dressed early and out of the house etc. yes I k ow that’s not possible for everyone or desirable for that matter .

Ah so because you were a sahp therefore nursery must be too stimulating..?🤔

Anna783426 · 26/01/2023 18:46

Sorry it's so tough, it is really hard raising toddlers, it's overwhelming and you can easily get burnt out if you're bearing the brunt of drops offs etc.

We're in a similar boat - 3 year old and 3 month old. Eldest goes to forest school 3 days a week, every morning it's hard work to get her out and every walk home (15 mins normally, about an hour with her) I have to try so hard to keep my cool.

Although our baby is younger, it's so hard to meet both of their needs at once, I frequently feel like I'm failing both of them, and long to have the time to build in quality one on one time with my eldest without it being always focused on getting out the door/eating dinner/bath time etc.. I look forward to the calmer days I keep telling myself are ahead, before instantly feeling guilty for wishing away time.

Are you able to take a day to yourself at all? Step away from it all? It is relentless. Your 3 year old sounds totally normal and you sound like you're handling it well. I do think it's important they see some of our emotions too - we're allowed to get annoyed etc. Mine has started saying sorry as well, and can understand reasoning when explained, but equally can get totally swallowed up with anger and frustration when something doesn't go her way. It was our wedding anniversary the other day and I showed her some photos - she lost it because she wanted to marry me, and it's not fair I married daddy....

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:48

@Lollyloup Just offering a different perspective. Forgot I can only post if mud situation is exactly the same as OPs. She asked for perspectives and opinions. I said I realise being a sahm is not possible or desirable for all. Try reading before commenting!

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:50

OP you sound strung out and I expect your Dd is picking up on that. You have to stop screaming back at her. You have to model the correct behaviour as tough as it is. Leave the room if you have to. Put her in the buggy and just walk until you’re calm. If she runs away when getting her in the car then pick her up and carry her to the car seat.

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:51

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:48

@Lollyloup Just offering a different perspective. Forgot I can only post if mud situation is exactly the same as OPs. She asked for perspectives and opinions. I said I realise being a sahm is not possible or desirable for all. Try reading before commenting!

I did read your comment, you're suggesting children being at home with a sahp is preferable for the child and that it might not be possible or desirable. How is that helpful to the OP who needs a break (and quite rightly so)
I think you're wrong, being with a sahp all day is not preferable for most children of toddler age and the stimulation they receive at nursery is beneficial.

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:53

I said nothing of the sort. I said o wonder sometimes if…..

peaceandpotato · 26/01/2023 18:55

I feel so much less alone reading all these stories. Thanks for speaking out OP. It can be tough.

Rachaelrachael · 26/01/2023 18:56

3 year olds are savage! I wasn't prepared... everyone goes on about terrible 2's and my daughter was a dream age 2. As soon as she turned 3 she became so emotional and strong willed. One minute she's playing nicely and the next minute she's having a complete meltdown because she can't get her dolls clothes back on 😂
She's 3 and a half now and seems to be chilling out ever so slightly!

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 18:56

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:53

I said nothing of the sort. I said o wonder sometimes if…..

Just seen your comments about SEN as well - you're a strange person!

peaceandpotato · 26/01/2023 18:56

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:41

I wonder how much is brought about from nursery all day every day. Partly it can be overwhelming for little chn to be stimulated all day and also for parents who are not used to looking after their children all day. I was a sahm before they went to school so life was more relaxed. No having to get dressed early and out of the house etc. yes I k ow that’s not possible for everyone or desirable for that matter .

Nursery shouldn't be that stimulating all the time. There will be chill time built in

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:57

I agree @peaceandpotato and good ones do have down times.

SoloJazz · 26/01/2023 18:59

Have a look at something called limbic leap! It's about their adrenaline center being renovated and getting an extra wing so they get triggered very easily and go from 0-100 in a second. It's developmental and it will pass. Time outside helps and finding balance of activity and rest. Lots of patience, empathy, and keeping with the boundaries even if it enrages them. Perhaps having started in a new nursery contributed too!

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 18:59

OP do you attend any Mums and Tots type groups? I found them really beneficial as you get to speak to so many others in similar situations, have a good chat and a drink while the chn play.

Cuppasoupmonster · 26/01/2023 18:59

Ah there we have it. Home/bored/poorly is a horrendous mix for tantrums! It’ll pass OP - too many Insta mum types make it seem like only ‘badly behaved’ kids have tantrums but I promise that’s not the case!

BuffyTheBuffetSlayer · 26/01/2023 19:01

I have DD3 and DD4 (ASD), 3yoDD is way worse than DD with ASD so please don't listen to people suggesting 'severe??' tantrums must be SEN. 3yo's just love to go nuclear 😅

I had similar issues during bath/ hair brushing time so I introduced conditioner told them it was special because it stopped alot of the tugs. I also bought one of those detangle brushes (which works wonders!!) And told them it's a special brush that gets rid of tugs so it doesn't hurt so much. Then i either give them an ipad or their favourite TV programme to distract them and gently brush sections of hair at a time. Then after drying I braid it and tell them it means no tugs in the morning when getting ready for nursery.

It has made a huge difference and I have to be careful not to make the first DD cry when brushing her hair or the 2nd will cry throughout hers regardless if im hurting her.

Took ages to get DD3 to lift her chin and tilt her head back when getting her hair washed so all the soap/ water would run down the back. Giving her a magic sponge did help, especially if there's someone else to help hold the sponge while i washed/ rinsed (because for her it was sometimes about attention), and ALOT of praise and see 'how well it worked' when she

Cant help with getting them dressed in the morning, I'm still chasing my 3yo round the house with steam coming out my ears so will continue watching for tips Grin

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 19:04

I did not say it MUST be SEN! I asked if there could be.
I think non stop screaming is severe in anyone’s book!

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 19:07

www.healthline.com/health/childrens-health/3-year-old-tantrums#prevention
This may help OP.

Pinky1011 · 26/01/2023 19:09

I wish I could give you a huge hug from the screen! I pretty much write the EXACT same post a year ago on Mumsnet, when my DS was going through the terrible 3s. A year later, my DS is now 4 and it is a million miles better! So hang in there, what personally helped was getting AS MUCH help as possible, dh, solicit parents, in laws, uncles, aunties, grandparents, childcare, clubs etc. ANY opportunity I had to be away from my DS or keep him busy, I took it, it sounds horrible but I NEEDED those breaks and that additional help and tbh my DS loved being with his grandparents, uncles etc. He loved being doted on by so many different people! And I found a nursery he absolutely loved to go to, a forest school he was able to run around for hours and run himself tired by the end of the day 😂 Good luck and not much longer to go until it's lovely (from 4 they're so much better I promise)

Lollyloup · 26/01/2023 19:12

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 19:04

I did not say it MUST be SEN! I asked if there could be.
I think non stop screaming is severe in anyone’s book!

For someone who works in key stage 1 you're very unhelpful. I'm sure your employer and colleagues would be very proud of you with all these comments.

Cuppasoupmonster · 26/01/2023 19:13

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 19:04

I did not say it MUST be SEN! I asked if there could be.
I think non stop screaming is severe in anyone’s book!

Yes but why SEN? Why not over tired, or a little bit spoilt (like DD I suspect 😬) or or boredom? Or over stimulation? Or too much sugar? Why always always always SEN?

Benjispruce4 · 26/01/2023 19:15

I asked if there could be SEN as often these threads start this way. It could be a phase, SEN, over-tiredness, hunger, over stimulation or parenting style couldn’t it.

BertieBotts · 26/01/2023 19:18

No sorry, I found the ages of 3-5 really hard, especially with DS1. DS2 is 4.5 and it's not as bad this time, but he's still harder than he has been at any other age. I don't know whether this is different temperament or I've got better and calmer at parenting but with DS1 I wanted to walk out some days and I was in tears quite a lot Blush

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