Shot myself in foot?

[Timesawastin]

So, we only have a downstairs bathroom ( old house) and I mentioned to younger family member that this was actually good as, due to OT training, I knew that this made it easier for downstairs living in event of elderly frailty. Their response was " oh, so no need to save for/ sell house for care home then, you can give all your savings/ inheritance to your kids now"
Cue my face giving me away.
Apparently not being ready to do this makes us typical, greedy selfish boomers proving some bookthat says all Millenials' problems were deliberately caused by my generation ?
We've already given them nearly 90k cash each towards their housebuys ! Alright, we could just about give them enough to both live rent free in a house their 30s if we give them most of the remaining pot, but are we selfish not to?
Wish I hadn't tried to 'sell' the idea of a downstairs bathroom as not being completely horrible and old fashioned as relly was making out. We've managed with it fine since kids were small.
They also made a comment as to how much our house (3 bed semi) 'must be worth' - as we're in SE. They were out by a mile, its only about 60pc of their guess.
Aibu to be pissed off AND not selfish

Slightly off topic but I don’t think anyone is blaming ‘baby boomers’ personally. They have benefitted very nicely in a lot of ways but i don’t know anyone who thinks that this was part of their cunning plan!

I don't understand this post

My mum has a good business brain, has worked hard and lives in a nice big house with savings. I have a small house and don't have such a head for business or savings. For me to think she owes me the house is just ridiculous. I can imagine nothing better than knowing my mum lives out her retirement enjoying her money and spending it on whatever she pleases. She worked incredibly hard for it (though these days it seems it will be used up in care costs if she needs it).

They should phone up the government and tell them they have solved the social care problem. Everyone just needs a downstairs bathroom then we will have no need for care homes and bed blocking will be solved!

Leave the lot to Cats' Protection or the Dog's Trust.

Say why quite clearly on your will so that they can't contest it

You have worked for your home and for your savings - Honestly, I'd enjoy the best lifestyle I could and spend every penny if my kids seriously said something like that. I'd re-mortgage the house to the hilt, too, if I felt like it,

i know @Ticktocktimebomb! honestly at 18 when i got my first job i was told "sign here, now sign here, and you want to sign here as well". i was not a financial wiz kid.
my two boys were certainly more in tune with pension plans and workplace saving schemes than me (the benefit of growing up in an industrial town with unions).
if someone spouted the boomer bs i'd be happy to fill them in on my reality. my savings pot has so much to do with family history not family money. my father and my husbands family were very risk adverse but forward thinking regarding education.
@Timesawastin i'd be having coffee and clearing up any misconceptions with said family member.

It’s ugly behaviour. Like when you hear friends moaning about their parents taking a holiday (from them probably!) as they’ve got plans for that money …. I’m actually glad I know I am not going to inherit anything major, made me much healthier I suspect. Of course I’m sometimes a bit jealous when I hear of other people’s good fortune inheritance wise but I don’t see it as an expectation.

@Tummytroubles22 i worked in long term care placement, and you would be shocked how many lovely fit widows contacted me requesting their names be put forward for assisted living accommodations because of LAUNDRY. yes washer dryers in the basement were to difficult on the knees, and home modifications not worth the money as it wouldn't benefit the sales value.
"i know it takes a long time to get a room at that place so i want to put my name on he list now".

They sound pretty knobby.

But really, it sounds like a bit of a jokey/throw-away comment in the heat of the moment. I wouldn't think too much of it.

But maybe you've been a bit "over-generous to an undeserving cause" in the past?

My own widowed mother is sitting on a fortune. Probably close to 2mil all-in. But I would never dream of asking for a penny, despite living pretty much pay check to pay check.

It’s no one’s business how much your house is worth. It’s also no one’s business if you leave everything to your DC, a charity, a stranger, or spend every last penny travelling the world in style while you are still fit enough to enjoy it.

You have already given them 90k, they sound entitled and grabby.

Sure sure I'd be pissed if my parent died leaving me to inherit the 25 bed rural castle, that costs 8 million quid a year to maintain, is un-sellable due to so much of it falling apart and it being so bloody vast.... having frittered away the family money that should be used to support it for the next generations.. so leaving me a millstone round my neck that I could neither get shot of nor afford to make work...

Which is why inheritances were really important.

Since next to none of us are actually going to inherit such a family pile that costs so much to merely keep from falling down all in one go (look closely next time you see one, they are all falling down slowly bit by bit!)... it isn't a concern.

It is nice if you inherited lots, to try to pass that favour on to your offspring I think, but not at the cost of you having a miserable life, not if your offspring are craven arseholes with awful entitled attitudes, no.

It frustrates me to see my exceptionally wealthy mother spend less on her children and grandchildren's gifts than they spend on her. A third of everything she spends is effectively going on inheritance tax, so she'd be better spending more generously on herself and her family. Her income as a pensioner is significantly more than ours, working full time. It's as much as her grandchildren's wages added together.

Still she'd rather give them second hand or regifted things!

Sorry, just seen that it wasn’t your DC making the comments. Apologies for saying your DC are entitled and grabby.

And what if they need it later on? I'm just in the process of burning through my dad's money (or my inheritance I'd guess you'd say) paying for the 24 hour a day care he needs. But as I don't fancy spending 24/7 nursing a doubly incontinent old man with advanced Alzheimers then I guess that's fair enough.

@picklemewalnuts you could try and see where that behavior is coming from and incorporate it into the family's "story". my mom is aware on some level that her pension compared to some of her friends is good but she is NOT aware of how much more so. she seems to worry about the money "running out". in my mother's generation small gift giving was the norm, so yes regifted or lower cost.
recently i had to help her move and it really helped me understand where she was coming from and gave both myself and dh a better perspective on us gift giving. she doesn't need anything and doesn't want to replace anything and she struggles to find the right item to gift others. so we will for her own well being roll back what we give gift wise and instead visit more often, out to dinner or photo's and cards.

I just wanted to say that yes, a downstairs bathroom and loo is lovely, OP, but as you get older ( I presume I'm older than you) it's a real pain to trek downstairs in the middle of the night for a pee. I have slight bladder issues and have to go during the night, not uncommon for older people.
It's nice to have more than one loo in the house anyway if more than one person lives there. (No queues ever!)
And if, heaven forbid, you've got a stomach bug of some kind and are feeling rough enough to want to stay in bed... an upstairs bathroom close to the bedroom is a comfort. Just saying.
Sorry for the slight derail -- as for your rude rellies, they can fuck right off.

Yes, we've been through a lot with her over the years. She asks for really expensive gifts, and expects as a woman that her make grandchildren will pay for her when they go out.

She's just a bit of an oddity. She'll offer you a briefcase, for example, as she has several. She'll only let you have the one with the broken hinge, or the one with the broken clasp, or the broken strap... never one of the several that are fully functional!

Luckily my DC are lovely and take it all in their stride! Luckily We've always saved for them, and been able to, so they will be ok. It's just a bit frustrating to be required to drive her an hour to a shop so she can get a £5 refund on something. She's a bit bonkers. Can't be helped!

And all her excess money (there's plenty) will go to the tax man when she could be helping her GDC now. In fact, one of her DC is in very straitened circumstances, but she gives no quarter.

Then I suggest you look at a few of the TIkTok and You Tube videos that the friends of my teens seem to consume, and read a few threads on here!

This rhetoric that we have ruined the world on purpose is everywhere! Also that we are all “narcissists” and “toxic parents” which makes it hard to argue back without seemingly proving their point!

Honestly, the world has gone mad. Last time I looked, everyone in the real world was just stumbling along, trying to do the best for themselves and particularly for their children.

I told my ds2 last week that I would give him 10k if he was saving for a house but it would take me a while to save it first. HIs response was not oh thanks mum that's great but " that likely won't be soon enough " ! I very nearly retracted the offer there and then.

@Quiltedandwilted88 i'm 65 my trio are 38-39-40 and the grandkids 6-7-8 so thankfully i might escape the tic tok/you tube boomer hate.

We are somewhat caught in the "all families help their DCs as they have money" generation of young people today, and the "we were skint trying to raise 6 DCs in the 80s and didn't get money until we were almost at retirement age" DPs. So we didn't get cash to keep for our house (we had saved most of the deposit but were able to borrow £1.5k from ILs and £2k from a childless professional DAunt/Uncle to allow us get the 3 not 2 bed house). A loan repaid within 5 months to both.

My DPs still had barely 2 spare beans at that stage and still had plenty of younger DSiblings to finish educating and supporting. DF got lucky in his last few years working so retired with a good pension and is now able to support those younger DSibs. Some of whom expect it. And DPs have given significant help and money to some of them.

But they also finally have a chance to enjoy their life, go on good holidays, that sort of thing. And need to have money put away as there are likely to be care needs in the long term and they both want to stay at home so they really will need that spare.

Should they really have to sacrifice their retirement years as well having sacrificed all their working lives to support their DCs?

What an odd comment to make. I don't get what this obsession with inheritance it? Personally I won't ever get any as my parents are far from rich and live in a HA home anyway. My MIL is obsessed over wanting to leave her properties (not of great value) to her boys and hates the idea that she will have to pay for her care. He son's have no interest in inheriting - she was very young when she had my partner and we'll likely be retired ourselves before she dies - her money will be no use to him then anyway, she might as well spend it while she's alive.