Shot myself in foot?

[Timesawastin]

So, we only have a downstairs bathroom ( old house) and I mentioned to younger family member that this was actually good as, due to OT training, I knew that this made it easier for downstairs living in event of elderly frailty. Their response was " oh, so no need to save for/ sell house for care home then, you can give all your savings/ inheritance to your kids now"
Cue my face giving me away.
Apparently not being ready to do this makes us typical, greedy selfish boomers proving some bookthat says all Millenials' problems were deliberately caused by my generation ?
We've already given them nearly 90k cash each towards their housebuys ! Alright, we could just about give them enough to both live rent free in a house their 30s if we give them most of the remaining pot, but are we selfish not to?
Wish I hadn't tried to 'sell' the idea of a downstairs bathroom as not being completely horrible and old fashioned as relly was making out. We've managed with it fine since kids were small.
They also made a comment as to how much our house (3 bed semi) 'must be worth' - as we're in SE. They were out by a mile, its only about 60pc of their guess.
Aibu to be pissed off AND not selfish

Sorry db (work) pensions nothing to do with my brother!

I really don't understand why money is seen as something to be handed down from one generation to another and not to be enjoyed at the time (sensibly of course, making provision for old age as much as possible).

Of course it's nice to help children with education costs and something towards a home where you can however the notion that parents are just working and saving so they will hand it all down is ludicrous to me. What happens then? The grown children do the same - work and save and hand it all down to the next generation? What is the point?

My mother has a decent mortgage free house should she ever require professional care. Thankfully she is in good health now at just 80. She is extremely generous with my sister and I in the sense of buying dinner whenever we are out, treating us to clothes we like when we are shopping etc but apart from that we urge her to spend money on herself, enjoying her life while she is in good health and able to get out and about. She has been thinking of getting in a new kitchen now for a while so we are shopping with her to do that. She sometimes says "ah, sure I'm too old for all the mess" but we convince her that it will be worth it and she will get lots of pleasure out of a new kitchen. We both just want her to reap the rewards of many years of working and have whatever luxuries she fancies. When she dies, and I am hoping this is not for many years yet, I would far rather she left an empty bank account behind her than know she denied herself some pleasures all so she could leave it to us.

Exactly, @KettrickenSmiled Well said.
Just when I think I can't be shocked by other people's attitudes any further, someone comes along to show me that yes, I can.

And also, whenever I've read about grabby attitudes over people's estates, I've wondered just who thinks/behaves like that.
Now we know

YANBU and your relative was VU. What a cheek. You were incredibly generous giving your kids £90K!

"Get to Fuck" would have been response. Pompous grabby twat.

Thank you Friday.

Yeah, the people who think/behave like that are the same ones who say others are "nuts" & need to "check yourself" when challenged on their revolting grabbiness.

It's DARVO with a lol!

I would far rather [mother] left an empty bank account behind her than know she denied herself some pleasures all so she could leave it to us.

Absolutely this. I told my mother I'd rather she spent her money on herself and didn't leave me anything except photos! But I think that was a common view when I was young. I'm over 60 now and startled by how attitudes have changed.

Glad it wasn't your kids who said that OP. Sounds like it was some millennial snowflake - the kind that is best ignored.

There are people out there with decent pay who say they can never afford to buy a house. These people go on foreign holidays three times a year (places like Dubai), buying a totally new set of outfits each time, they eat out about three times a week and buy the newest cars. These people blame the older generation saying they ruined everything for them and don't realise that the issue is then trying to live lives that couldn't have been afforded by the older generation back in the day either. Is this relative a bit like that? I knew a person exactly like the above and get this person would complain end of each month how hard life is because they're living from paycheck to paycheck.
P.s. I appreciate there are also lots of hardworking young people who honestly struggle.

The brother of a friend of mine suggested his parents sell their house and give him the money.

I'm glad it wasn't your own offspring, OP, I can't imagine anything more hurtful or horrible than being the mother of someone like OwwwMuuuum

Sorry for typos.

I think your family members are spoilt, entitled brats. Nobody I know thinks like this or ‘expects’ in such an absolutely entitled way. Why are you even entertaining this nonsense?!

@LookinUp

I was surprised for sure. Wouldn't mention it to their parents, maybe they know? But honestly this isn't that rare, seen it quite a bit including here, this thread even...

Wow. I wonder how you would feel if someone came along and started allocating any savings that you had earned and allocated them for their own use?

I hope they don't say this kind of thing to their own folks. They weren't expecting anything from us (far as i could tell) trying to make a small p political point

They are evidently clueless about the potential problems of ageing - no downstairs bathroom could be the least of your worries if e.g. dementia was involved.
My Dm was still well able to manage stairs when she finally moved to a care home at 89, so getting to the bathroom was no problem. Trying to persuade her to have a shower/wash her hair, was alas an entirely different matter.

Tell your dcs to keep their noses out! It’s none of their business.

I can't understand anyone who would try to persuade their parents to give over their life-savings/house equity before they've even died - aside from being disgustingly self centred and grabby - how do they know it won't be needed for expensive care homes or medical needs?

We've told our dc's not to expect anything from us and that we'll be using it for expensive holidays and Lamborghinis etc - not entirely true but we want them to be incentivised to make their own way in the world.

Op if your younger family member is under 25 years then I would tell them firmly they have to make their own way now and hopefully they will mature in to more appreciative human beings.

If they are over that age though I would tell them to watch themselves because you have been considering giving everything away to a dogs home!

Joking aside, you have done plenty giving them £90k and it gets to the point where you do them a disservice by propping them up as they then don’t have the valuable experience of grafting and standing on their own two feet.

As other pp say, they have no idea about the complications of old age.

My PILs age 92/93 live in a single level house with accessible shower, all part of their living independently plan from 15 years ago. Dues to various infirmities of old age (immobility, frailty, dementia, sight loss, hearing loss, pain) they now have 24hr live in care at a cost of more than £1,700 per week. It keeps them in familiar surroudning and is less costly than both of them being in residential care which would be double that.

There will be very little money coming to the dcs but everyone would rather the parents are safe and well looked after.

Oh sorry op. Just seen your update and that they are not your dc.

Tbh I think we are in the middle of a societal change purely because technology has meant that the voice of the young is heard louder than anyone else’s voice in society atm and it won’t balance out until older folk have a similar grasp of technology which may never happen! But it does mean that there are some skewed opinions out there which are rarely challenged.

It’s not all bad by any means as we need new ideas and innovation and one could argue that Boomers have not left the world in the best of states but I don’t subscribe to the view that it was all an evil plot and we don’t, and always have, wanted the very best for our dc.

Nephew thinks he’s getting everything as I have no kids. He’s in for a shock.

My sibling and I would rather our elderly parents lived to the end of their days in their own home, using their own money to keep them happy and independent, doing what they want to do, buying what they want to buy and, if necessary, paying for help. They went without so much bringing us up, when mortgage rates were 15%, and it's their money not ours. Entitled little toerag.

Honestly, I would just laugh if someone said that to me, its so rude and ridiculous. Firstly, you cant just gift people houses or money without there being 1. potential inheritance tax implications and 2. if you gave your house away and then needed care, social services would come after it via deprivation of assets so that whole plan is BS anyway.

Aside from that, its noone's bloody business what you do with your house and your money and I'd be telling them to fck right off. So ridiculous.