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Original poster

Feel sad how some of us turned out/our lives turned out

61 replies

Nevergotamrfrosty · 26/01/2023 11:52

I had an amazing time as a teen, typical life in the suburbs in the North. Great school and feel so blessed to have been a teen in the mid nineties and all the craziness that came along with it. Our year group at school was a strong one and we were friends with a couple of years above too. We all had such fun, such a lust for life and I saw us all as having fantastic futures.
I’m now 45, life is obviously very different to back then, but it’s ok.
The last few years have been some sad stories of suicides from people I hung around with and stories of heavy drinking/drug use, mental health problems etc…all previously happy, popular, fun people.
Its just so sad to think of us all
so full of hope then life ruining people as it can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nevergotamrfrosty · 26/01/2023 12:07

Has nobody had similar? Do find it strange how there’s so many in our circle/school

OP posts:
FatGirlSwim · 26/01/2023 12:11

I’m a similar age to you and my experience is very different. I hated every minute as a teenager in the mid nineties, so much pressure, homophobia, bullying… my life is SO much happier later in life.

I do know people who have died by suicide, and people whose lives aren’t great, but I think I know more people who have become more comfortable with themselves, settled down, found their niche.

Maybe it’s because I hated being a teenager that I see it differently or that it seems great by comparison!

FatGirlSwim · 26/01/2023 12:12

Were they really happy though? Or was it just that these things had more stigma back then?

Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 12:12

No I don’t have this experience either. But my husband does. Small insular village in the north.

ssd · 26/01/2023 12:16

Shit happens, and its always random

SweetSakura · 26/01/2023 12:19

Not my experience, no. I wasn't part of the "in' crowd at school though.

I had a nice group of friends and we had fun but knew we were looked down on for being "nerds". We are still friends now and all successful professionals with families and/ or busy social lives nd I think all very happy how our lives have turned out.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 26/01/2023 12:21

It seems a bit of a teen’s eye view though? When you’re young you think anything is possible but it actually isn’t and never was. I don’t mean to sound depressing, it’s sometimes a good thing that life takes the edges off us, I often think balance/nuance/better judgement comes from those experiences. Life can be a bit of a battle at times and some fall by the wayside. Maybe there’s some socio economic reasons why so many from your area have had struggles, and maybe you’ve overlooked it because your experience was positive?

maranella · 26/01/2023 12:23

No, that hasn't been my experience and I'm sorry it's been yours. A few of my old class or school mates died prematurely, as I think is probably normal from any large cohort of random people, but I'm not aware of lots becoming alcoholics/drug addicts or dying from suicide. That sounds very tragic indeed.

Chowtime · 26/01/2023 12:23

I grew up on a south london council estate and left as soon as I could due to abusive parents. I got a junior secretary job and a flatshare in London. Living there was an eye opener after the council estate and it showed me a whole different world. I now consider myself very successful.

My peers, the ones who I grew up with on the estate - mostly have a different story. The men either have a habit or have ended up doing prison time and the women are unempoyed with children with different fathers. It makes me sad to see it but we have control over our own destiny .

DoristheDuchess · 26/01/2023 12:24

I hated secondary school in the 90s and being a teenager. Bullying, small village small minded conformity, misogyny, racism, homophobia. I couldn't wait to leave school. Horrible place.

College and university opened up a whole new world for me. Full of interesting vibrant people wanting to do something with their lives.

The peer group I went to school with has had a fair few suicides, prison stints, alcohol and drug problems in later life. Many didn't leave the area and quickly settled into domesticity, spending Saturday nights down the pub moaning how boring life was now they are older and talking about the good old days.

I'm sure some people would say they had a wonderful time. But not everyone did that's for sure!

For me, I used it as motivation and pushed myself through life because I never wanted to be in that position. So in a way it did help me, just not in the way most people would think.

Mardyface · 26/01/2023 12:25

I think sandwiching the word 'popular' in-between happy and fun is why people are not responding in the way you anticipated. Maybe that word had made people wonder if it was you making their teenage experience much less idyllic. I'm sure it wasn't 😀.

Personally I wouldn't go back to being a teenager in the 90s if you paid me ten billion pounds, but everyone I hear of from then is very successful and on the surface (and possibly deeply) happy. Of course life events happen and some are not good. Some will have had things going on behind the scenes that are easy to shake off as a teen and catch up with you later.

Passivhaus · 26/01/2023 12:26

I do sometimes feel a nostalgia for a time when I was younger and felt more optimistic. To be honest though I never seemed to fit in at either school or uni and am probably socially the happiest I've been in life now I know that being "popular" isn't that important and that comparison is the thief of joy

OutForBreakfast · 26/01/2023 12:28

Two boys in my class have died. One from drink and drug abuse another killed themselves. That is very sad. Some been in prison too, but this was not much of a surprise. You could see the way they were heading even at school.

SweetSakura · 26/01/2023 12:28

@Mardyface I think you are right. That word definitely triggered me ! Some of the popular crowd definitely made life harder for the rest of us (although some were actually lovely when not.with the crowd)
I did originally start out friends with the popular crowd but didn't like the level of conformity and bitchiness it involved

theemmadilemma · 26/01/2023 12:32

I went to school in a fairly affulent area, but with a catchment covering council estates too.

There has been, sadly, a noticble split in peoples achievements and lives based on that. Not true for 100%, but I'm sad the numer of people I went to school with, who had the same education opportunity (at least) went on to a life of drug addicition (heroin mainly) or crime etc.

DoristheDuchess · 26/01/2023 12:35

On a side note, I went to a wedding a few years back of a friend from school. There was a mixture there of people who had been popular at school and those that got out and went on to uni, moved away, etc.

Those popular people had stayed in the village and seemed to be exactly the same as they were when they left school. They seemed a bit, well sad really, almost like grown up teenagers in a room full of adults. Almost stuck in one stage, unable to grow and mature into being adults. They just came across as a bit lost and not sure of themselves whilst trying for some bizarre reason to still be the popular one in the room. Crashing into conversations, attention seeking, it was quite strange to watch. My DH as the outsider even asked me WTF!

Made me think of the reunion in Grosse Point Blank. 😅

Original poster
Nevergotamrfrosty · 26/01/2023 12:38

Sorry, the word popular didn’t really have any relevance, just to show how liked they were socially etc and what a happy time it was.

I grew up in a v affluent area…I’m not sure what went wrong, it’s sad

OP posts:
whatwasIgoingtosay · 26/01/2023 12:42

I remember reading about a man who had been brought up in the care system and was now a filmmaker. He decided to make a documentary about his peers and what they were doing now. Without exception they were all either dead, in prison, in a mental health facility, alcoholic or junkies living on the street. What a horrible indictment of life in care in the 90s. On another note, I've just been watching and enjoying all episodes of Derry Girls on Netflix. I wonder how their fictional characters would have turned out now.

Leemoe · 26/01/2023 12:42

I was sixteen in 1999.
I feel we were promised a world which never came to fruition.

I wasn't popular at school but would quite like to go back to a time when the world seemed full of hope.
A few people I know who are a few years older than me have fallen foul of drink and drugs, they never seemed able to grow up and I must admit that I can see the attraction to eschew the post 2008 UK and Bury your head in substances

I have a nice life, wonderful DH and children, good career, no significant financial worries and I despair of society and feel quite depressed about it all. Perhaps without the buffer of a good and loving family I would have gone the same way.

I can appreciate how it happens. We want to escape.

Volhhg · 26/01/2023 13:00

Yes this is similar to my experience within my childhood peer group and I am from the north too. I feel a lot is to do with being a product of your circumstance and the ones I know that made it to London made a success of things. Bizarrely many have moved back up here with young children so they must have some aspirations for the area! Unfortunately opportunities if you stay here up north are limited and in general you need to spend time elsewhere to find success.

5128gap · 26/01/2023 13:17

The fun party crowds always have more than their share of tragedies. The traits that make us fun in our 20s; risk adverse, impulsive, wild, can often translate to problem behaviour if they're not moved on from or reigned in.
I'm 53 and several of the core group of people who always made it a party now have troubled lives, alcohol and substance addictions, chaotic relationships.
When everyone is partying hard the warning signs of dependency and MH problems can be masked and self medicated away only to emerge when the party's over and everyone else has moved on.

Original poster
Nevergotamrfrosty · 26/01/2023 13:21

@5128gap Yes, I think this is a big part of it

OP posts:
Leopardprintisaneutral · 26/01/2023 13:31

I was thinking about this subject this morning after deciding to look up an old school friend and finding out that she overdosed in 2020. A few old classmates have died, but oddly some of the ones you would expect not to have done well after school, like the girl who had a baby at 14, are living incredible lives now.

OutForBreakfast · 26/01/2023 13:36

@5128gap I think that is very true. I was never part of the party crowd. But the party crowd I vaguely knew all stopped once they started to settle down. It then became apparent that one of them was an alcoholic. She had always drank a lot, but so had others. Last time I bumped into her she was looking pretty ill and told me she had been in hospital.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 26/01/2023 13:37

I think you have heard of a cluster of sad outcomes (and were they all in your year, or is it a case of mentioning similar events from a much wider social group?) and it is colouring your vision.

But yes, as we get older life will take a toll on any cohort of hopeful young adults. When you look back you never could have predicted most of it, and I'm glad we all had so many good times before the hits started coming.