Feel sad how some of us turned out/our lives turned out

[Nevergotamrfrosty]

I had an amazing time as a teen, typical life in the suburbs in the North. Great school and feel so blessed to have been a teen in the mid nineties and all the craziness that came along with it. Our year group at school was a strong one and we were friends with a couple of years above too. We all had such fun, such a lust for life and I saw us all as having fantastic futures.
I’m now 45, life is obviously very different to back then, but it’s ok.
The last few years have been some sad stories of suicides from people I hung around with and stories of heavy drinking/drug use, mental health problems etc…all previously happy, popular, fun people.
Its just so sad to think of us all
so full of hope then life ruining people as it can.

If you'd have been born much earlier fewer of you would have been alive now, and had considerably more rubbish lives, or if you'd have been born in so many other countries across the world.

Sounds like you need to do a bit less navel-gazing and rose-coloured glasses wearing about the past and more counting your blessings, getting on with and enjoying life.

I'd like to know what people were promised in 1999 that never came to fruition. Apart from the Millienium bug.

@Catspyjamas17 I enjoy my life, very much, but this makes me sad

I haven’t mentioned 1999, we were all
at our peak 93-96

I didn't like the 90s at all. Homophobia, sexism, racism (and I'm sorry to say I engaged in some of it even though I thought I wasn't...I'm sorry, I was a kid in a repressive environment)...I was too young to be involved in taking E or worrying about AIDS (well, I guess some kids my age were involved) but all in all, they were fucking awful.

I agree with PPs that a lot of warning signs can be masked when everyone's having a good time. I was always surprised at how soon many hard-core party boys and girls/rebels actually ended up settling down. I guess they got it all out of their systems quite quickly.

It reminds me of this - so terribly sad

I enjoyed my teen years (in general), and I’m sorry so many of your peers have been through so much trauma but honestly I think the perspective that life is downhill all the way from the moment you hit your 20s is pretty depressing.

The cult of youth sets up this idea that your teen years are the best years of your life and it almost sets people up to give up once they enter the “real” world.

I also agree with some other posters that the use of the word “popular” may be a bit of a dog whistle thing for some people.

If you are bright and ambitious (and particularly if you didn’t fit in) and grow up in a depressing place where no one has any ambition you are bound to have mixed feelings about the “popular” crowd who very often are the attractive kids who follow the herd and don’t really distinguish themselves from the others.

A lot of us are frankly glad to have got away from all this.

I went to my grammar school reunion when I was 46.

I was surprised that a lot of the school high fliers had ended up as receptionists and house wives after so much academic promise. There were a couple of exceptions, one a cardiac surgeon, another something high up in GCHQ. Quite a few had dropped out, 'last heard of living in a bedsit' etc. One or two have sadly passed. The old class were littered with divorces.

It put a lot of things in perspective. I was always 'second string' at school, a bit of an also ran. Yet I have a decent career, a house I own outright, a lovely happy ds and am basically solvent. Not stunning but 'solid'. 😀 I've never found a life partner, my one regret, but that doesn't seem so unusual any more.

I think it emphasises that exam success is not the only way to succeed and be happy.

Yep, this.

No especial fondness for the 90s here.

A lot of mega-academic kids peak at school. The rules are easy to follow and you're rewarded for sticking to the well worn path, but it's very different when you're blazing your own trail.

What form did this fun and lust for life take, OP? Loads of drinking and smoking and experimenting with drugs?

I didn't have much of a fun time in my teens. They were okay but I wasn't one of the 'in' crowd. It's the people who were out having amazing times — drink, drugs, sex, other risky behaviours — who seem to have suffered the worst. Like others of the 'out' crowd, I've grown happier in my 40s and 50s.

I’m similar age. I’m actually hugely proud of what my circle of friends from school has achieved.

Me and three of my closest friends remain friends. We went to a big, rough inner London comp and none of us came from ‘good’ backgrounds. All working class, council estate. Two of my friends were in foster care, the other had a parent with severe mental health issues. My mum brought us up alone after escaping domestic violence. We really came from fuck all.

One friend is a foster career herself now, and trained as a therapist.
One friend is a city lawyer.
One friend is CEO of a charity.
I’m senior management in education, happily married for 20+ years, teen D.C.

Its pretty bloody remarkable, really.

There have been a few sad stories from our school - suicides, drug addiction, a few people banged up for serious crimes. But there were 1400 kids at our school and it was rough as fuck, so unsurprising really. That’s life.

I think at 45 you're reaching the point where a "normal" group of similarly-aged people expect to increasingly start losing members to suicide, cancer, heart disease, stroke, alcoholism etc. It seems to be the age where productive members of society begin to experience a greater increase of risk of death.

People growing up in particularly deprived areas often experience the same thing, but earlier in their lives. Suicide/drugs/crime often lead to people in a social circle dying in their 20s/early 30s. For "normal" people (I hestitate to use that term but I'm not sure what other term can be used - I mean people who are average in that they work in a job they don't particularly like and have a roof over their head and are functioning members of society) this process is delayed slightly because they are not doing the things that will kill them younger.

By the time you are in your mid-40s you're at greater risk of developing new illnesses, and your body begins to struggle as a result of long term bad habits like smoking, drinking, being stressed. People in their 40s regularly die of cardiac arrest, strokes, cancer.

My hunch is that 40 is about the age humans naturally live for, it's only advancements in medical care that mean we now see 70 or 80 as more usual.

Life is just life, and will keep rolling on no matter what and couldn't care less whether you are happy or not.
luck and health pay an important part, but most people only ever expect to receive the nice parts of life then fall to pieces when something unexpected comes along.
The most successful people l know are the most adaptable ones, not the most intelligent, when life hits hard they reset and readjust, they look for a solution rather than wallowing and playing the victim. Perception is everything, your mind can be own worst enemy at times and keep you stuck.
I didn't really fit in at school and never wanted to, same now I' m 54, the life l have now is perfect for me, that's the main thing.

Well I think the Bible says three score years and 10 so living to 70 can't have been that uncommon 2000 years ago. Nothing to do with whether you are a believer or not of course - just as an historical document.

I'm 37 and it hasn't been my experience, no suicides from my year, drug issues, alcoholism. Just a normal school up North in the 90s. Sorry you've lost so many, it doesn't sound usual.

I had a miserable existence in my teens. I was bullied by the 'popular' crowd.
One of my bullies was murdered over drugs last year. Can't say it upset me.

I didn't really keep in touch with people from school as I couldn't wait to leave! I have little idea how well they have all done.

A few people I'm aware died. One beautiful kind girl go killed in an accident which was really sad, one drug abuse and one got hit by a car. My best mate has really suffered with MH and had a very promising future.

I haven't done amazing. I expect some people might be surprised at that,but I dicked around too much in my teens and twenties and haven't had the confidence to do well. I'm OK,but materially I'm sure I'm not that great compared to them.

I expect some have died from illnesses too, but I don't want to know. Due to not seeing anyone for years I would only recall the as kids, so the thought of them dying would be horrible.

I guess PP feel that 1999 was a simpler or more peaceful time or offered more opportunities - e.g. it was before 9/11 and the Iraq war, it was before the 2008 financial crash, etc.

@Nevergotamrfrosty hey OP I can really resonate. I attended an awful secondary school in a miserable seaside town. I was definitely never one of the ‘cool gang’ and was fortunate enough to have a lovely family and be in the higher sets so behaviour wasn’t too awful, like it was for the poor people in the lower groups. For them the teachers just about attempted crowd control.
there was no real such careers advice etc.
Those of us lucky enough to get decent GCSE’s went on to a levels in the nearest city which broadened out horizons and most of us if that group have done well and have fairly successful careers and family’s if that’s what we’ve wanted.
those not so fortunate had the choice of working in a care home, or a factory or dole. Of my school year alone we’ve had a suidice (train) a few very close attempted suicides, and a murder. And there a many of our gang with alcohol or drug problems. (All boys/men) and some struggle with gambling. it’s so sad to see that the cycle will filter down to their children now in their early twenties / late teens. We went to a funeral of a friend recently (cancer this time) and it was so nice to see everyone albeit under sad circumstances. But I was really struck by the obvious ‘divide ‘ between those of us who got out and those who didn’t.
DH and I reflected on this and both agreed that in hindsight you could probably have predicted who it would be as far back as our late teens.
I dunno. It’s makes me sad. DH and I worked bloody hard to get out of there, and have lots of other friends now from varied back grounds. But I recognise the advantages we had to make that happen. But what I will say is, we all look out for each other and during the darkest times of my life, the people who were there for me and gave me their time and energy and a safe space to feel sad, were those with the least to give, who were struggling themselves. And as much as I want more for my DC and have to be slightly boundaried to not get caught up in the chaos, they are a bloody fantastic bunch who have by sheer luck of the draw, had a disadvantaged start in life and in the main try and do the best they can with the tools they were given 🤷🏼‍♀️

@Humphplumf really resonates. I stayed, but 'did good' anyway.
Your loyalty to and empathy with your old friends is lovely to read and I can relate.

My teen years were late sixties and early seventies and I attended an all girls school. I was in a group of girls who thought we were the coolest but most of my friends were in a group of people I knew outside school, the hippies. This group was much more representative of different walks of life.

The school friends I kept up with became academics, musicians or businesswomen. One who was the only daughter of a minted family killed herself years ago, we never knew why, and one has recently died from breast cancer.
Of those other early friends, one developed schizophrenia, triggered by LSD use, several went on to play in bands, or on to university or art school, or took over family businesses. One became a famous interior designer, but he has since died of cancer.
One of them I married!

The single most astonishing thing I heard recently was that one of them died after years of being confined at home due to morbid obesity, with the windows of the house having to be removed, etc. I can't believe it, X of all people…

I find it really really interesting that some of you say that the "in crowd" are the ones who didn't really achieve their full potential later on in life.

In my crowd of teenage friends, including me, we got our reckless behaviour/drug experimenting/partying etc etc out of our system quite early and then grew up. Its really odd but it's the ones who didn't do these sorts of things that seem to have ended up worse. It's like they did it, but later on, when they should have been grown ups if that makes sense.

You are spot on! I was part of the 90s rave scene and loved it! But despite those days being long gone I will still self medicate. No idea why - just trying to find my way back to a happier time I guess.

Affluent area and most people went to uni. It took some people a bit longer to get there (didn’t know what to do after a-levels, parties, drugs - but they got there), I think a few had mental health issues - but, we are into our 40s now and I think everyone is where their parents expected them to be. Even the long-haired too cool for school hippie, who became a stock broker.
at our 5 year reunion there was quite a mix, people in good graduate jobs, people still at uni, some unemployed as they were looking for their first job, some still undecided. By 10 years, it was much more settled.
by 15 years, some excelled (think retired, big shot CEO, partner in fancy law firm), but most were doing ok career-wise. Some divorces, some cancer scares, a severely disabled child, but that is life.
some of us look much older.

Mixed bag for me. I was popular and had loads of fun in high school. I had a big circle of friends so inevitably some have sadly died or lived with struggles. It’s sad but it’s life. On the whole most of us are happy. I dint think you can measure success as it means something different to everyone.
I moved away and I’m so much happier as an adult because my parents were awful.

It can go either way though, can't it? Some people in the 'in' crowd grow up and start behaving responsibly and have happy, successful lives and I guess they don't have that addiction gene that means they can't stop. The people I was friends with did all kinds of shit, but when they wanted to they were able to give it up. Others can't or find it bloody hard and may need professional help. I have an alcoholic in my family (not someone I'm biologically related to, thank god), and he admits he can't stop at one. He knows he's got the addict gene (he's a medic, so he's not just making excuses).