Unpopular opinion but surrogacy as a choice is a bit gross?

[Janedoe95]

I was just reading about Paris Hilton and obviously i don’t know the full story but it seems like she just used a surrogate because her friends do for convenience.

obviously if you have no choice I completely understand but if it’s just because pregnancy is hard I think it’s a bit wrong taking a newborn baby away from the only person they’ve known for 9 months

especially as pregnancy itself prepares you to care for a newborn and changes your brain for that purpose.

am I just being very judgmental

[Emmamoo89]

@Shitzngiggles

@Emmamoo89 I adopted my 2 children. How can you possibly know that you love your son more than I love my children?? You have no idea the bond I have with them. And for what it's worth they are very much "my own".

I'm not arguing with strangers on the Internet. Its just my opinion.

[bumpytrumpy]

@VestaTilley

YANBU at all, and as surrogacy goes more mainstream we’re going to see more women waking up to what a horrific practice it is.

It’s human trafficking. It shouldn’t be legal. Buying a baby off its mother, commodifying human lives and pregnancy, treating women like vessels, ignoring the often awful impact of pregnancy and birth on mothers, the damage of taking a baby away from its mother - the list is endless.

It should be illegal in every country. It’s the height of misogyny and is no good for women or children.

This

[LynneBenfield]

@TheOriginalEmu

but If your argument against surrogacy is that it’s damaging to be removed from your birth mother then it’s really not different at all. Those are the people who’s opinion I’m interested to hear on adoption really.

The body of knowledge from years of adoption and research into it should be going towards informing our beliefs, policy and practice around surrogacy. @TheOriginalEmu, you are correct in that they aren’t different in creating attachment trauma. However, where they do differ, as @BloodAndFire pointed out, is adoption is a reactive response to an existing ‘problem’, where the risk of attachment disorders is high but better than the alternative (what would happen if they stayed with a chaotic birth family or long term in the care system). Whereas surrogacy is deliberately creating the scenario where the risk of attachment disorders is high but it is no longer the ‘lesser of multiple evils’, if you will.

[LynneBenfield]

*I don’t believe that adoption is evil or wrong, in case that’s not clear.

[FlissyPaps]

@Emmamoo89

I didn't say they aren't worthy of love did I 🙄 you can't compare the love. When you've had them in your tummy for 9 months and then give birth to them. Oh and having miscarriages before that intensifies the love

You’re implying they aren’t worthy of love. You are.

Children who’re in the care system (for whatever reason) will not be loved as much as their peers who are with their parents. That’s what you’re saying?

They aren’t worthy of that love because they aren’t in the care or guardianship of their biological mother. They will never experience that kind of love, due to no fault of their own, yes?

Poor fathers as well. They don’t have babies in their tummies, so obviously won’t love their kids as much.

Also what about all the “mothers” who fail, abuse and murder their own children? They love their children because they carried them for 9 months?

[Loopyloooooo]

@Emmamoo89

I personally wouldn't adopt. I'm so glad I've got my son. I know I'd love a baby that I'd adopt but there's no love like it when its your own imo

How would you know if you haven't adopted? Bloody hell 🤦‍♀️

[BloodAndFire]

@Emmamoo89

I didn't say they aren't worthy of love did I 🙄 you can't compare the love. When you've had them in your tummy for 9 months and then give birth to them. Oh and having miscarriages before that intensifies the love

Shit, I had my miscarriage AFTER both my children were born. Gutted. I wish I'd done it the other way round so I would have known what REAL love was like.

[Loopyloooooo]

Surrogacy is human trafficking.

There are hundreds of thousands of children in foster care in the US with a plan for adoption have been abused or neglected. These rich millionaire celebs never seem to want to do that but would rather buy a child from a vulnerable poor woman.

Children are not a right whether you have fertility issues or not. Whether you just don't want to carry one because pregnancy doesn't fit your "lifestyle" or your sex it you're a gay couple. Human babies should not be sold.

[Butchyrestingface]

obviously if you have no choice I completely understand

What do you mean by that? You ALWAYS have a choice whether or not to use another woman as a surrogate.

[bravelittletiger]

I agree with you. I think it normalises the impression that womens bodies are available to the highest bidder and can or should be controlled by other people.

Having had two babies I also feel it is physically and emotionally brutal for both the mother and child.

[WoolyMammoth55]

I think the number 1 qualification for parenthood is if you can put the well-being of the baby ahead of your own selfish desires.

Anyone using a surrogate has failed to meet this bar - because it's such a trauma for a baby to be taken away from it's mother in the delivery room and handed off to others.

When you combine this with all the risks to the mother - PND, post partum psychosis, cardiomyopathy, sepsis, and so on and so on...

It just shouldn't be legal.

[Loopyloooooo]

@Emmamoo89

I didn't say they aren't worthy of love did I 🙄 you can't compare the love. When you've had them in your tummy for 9 months and then give birth to them. Oh and having miscarriages before that intensifies the love

Yes you can compare the love. Be careful, your ignorance is showing.

[xogossipgirlxo]

YANBU. It makes me even more annoyed when feminist men do it, like Tan France, who apparently is big supporter of women's rights and then uses body of one of them to carry the child he wants to purchase.

[thisismynewface]

@WoolyMammoth55

I think the number 1 qualification for parenthood is if you can put the well-being of the baby ahead of your own selfish desires.

Anyone using a surrogate has failed to meet this bar - because it's such a trauma for a baby to be taken away from it's mother in the delivery room and handed off to others.

When you combine this with all the risks to the mother - PND, post partum psychosis, cardiomyopathy, sepsis, and so on and so on...

It just shouldn't be legal.

I completely agree with this view.
It's horrific how forced adoption is not thankfully not a thing, but surrogacy is - despite everything we know about the trauma an infant will have to live with after being removed from their mother

[Whowhatwherewhenwhynow]

@jeaux90

Surrogacy and "sex work" are not about bodily autonomy or liberty. It's exploitation and we need to think about how these things impact the most disadvantaged women in society.

I think surrogacy should be banned.

This^^
so ridiculous when people try to frame things like surrogacy and SW as some how empowering. Only have to looks at who the bulk of commercial surrogates are (hint women living in poverty) and see that very few wealthy privileged people become surrogates. That’s not choice it’s exploitation. we have laws in place to protect the most vulnerable from practices likes organ selling- this is no different.

Not to mention that this perspective also completely ignores the fact there there is a baby with their own needs also involved.

[TheOriginalEmu]

@LynneBenfield

The body of knowledge from years of adoption and research into it should be going towards informing our beliefs, policy and practice around surrogacy. @TheOriginalEmu, you are correct in that they aren’t different in creating attachment trauma. However, where they do differ, as @BloodAndFire pointed out, is adoption is a reactive response to an existing ‘problem’, where the risk of attachment disorders is high but better than the alternative (what would happen if they stayed with a chaotic birth family or long term in the care system). Whereas surrogacy is deliberately creating the scenario where the risk of attachment disorders is high but it is no longer the ‘lesser of multiple evils’, if you will.

There are a good many adopted people in the community (I’m adopted) who feel that they would have been better off with their birth family and the resources that are given to adoptive families should Instead be focused on birth families. This isn’t my opinion just to be clear, but this does lend an extra dimension to that argument.
Im just not sure I agree that a child is always better off with the parent who gave birth to it.

[summerpoolandsun]

It depends why you need it. I don’t like the way you phrased your title, it comes across as criticical of all surrogacy and that’s pretty heartless to those battling infertility. Who are you to judge? I know you caveated it in your summary that you are not critical of those who need it but the title is broad and it sticks.

I do agree those using surrogacy just because they can’t be bothered to go through pregnancy doesn’t seem right though

[bravelittletiger]

@summerpoolandsun

It depends why you need it. I don’t like the way you phrased your title, it comes across as criticical of all surrogacy and that’s pretty heartless to those battling infertility. Who are you to judge? I know you caveated it in your summary that you are not critical of those who need it but the title is broad and it sticks.

I do agree those using surrogacy just because they can’t be bothered to go through pregnancy doesn’t seem right though

A lot of people (especially on MN) think that surrogacy for any reason is immoral. The argument is that you're still using a woman's body as an incubator and you're still taking a baby away from it's birth mother and exposing the birthing woman to all the usual pregnancy and post birth risks. I think most people feel very sorry for people who are infertile but I don't think everyone believes that means they are entitled to use another woman's body to carry a baby for them.

[Whowhatwherewhenwhynow]

What @bravelittletiger said!
infertility, although very sad for the individual people involved, does not make exploitative practices justifiable. This applies to both commercialised surrogacy and commercialised infant adoption. I’m on the fence about altruistic surrogacy, however I still think there is a potential for emotional manipulation and impact on the infant involved etc.

[Naunet]

@TheOriginalEmu

No one is forcing anyone to be a surrogate though are they? If a woman chooses to do it, who are we to say she shouldn’t?
i find it interesting you think it’s ok to ‘take a child away from the only person they’ve known for 9 months’ if your reason for surrogate use is infertility of some kind. Why is that any different? It’s either ok to do that or it isn’t.

Yes actually they are, because just like prostitution, when women’s biology is exploited it leads to trafficking and the abuse of women. There’s been ‘farms’ uncovered where women have been kidnapped and forced into surrogacy.
At least be informed about what you’re supporting.

[oioimatey]

Pretty sure you are not allowed to pay money to a surrogate mother, but you can pay for clothes/rent/other things instead. But you can't give them cash.

[Whowhatwherewhenwhynow]

@oioimatey

Pretty sure you are not allowed to pay money to a surrogate mother, but you can pay for clothes/rent/other things instead. But you can't give them cash.

That’s dependent on country. Some countries allow payment and in those countries surrogacy is more prevalent.
unkraine actually allows the IP to be put in the birth certificate as the mother!! Hence many infants/surrogates being trapped in Ukraine when the war started. It’s all horrendous

[WildFlowerBees]

Every time I've seen something about a couples new baby via surrogate they have never once thanked the surrogate. I'm not saying they need to be named or anything like that but a 'thank you we couldn't have done it without you' would be nice.

[Honey83]

@TheOriginalEmu

No one is forcing anyone to be a surrogate though are they? If a woman chooses to do it, who are we to say she shouldn’t?
i find it interesting you think it’s ok to ‘take a child away from the only person they’ve known for 9 months’ if your reason for surrogate use is infertility of some kind. Why is that any different? It’s either ok to do that or it isn’t.

But it's a last resort with infertility isn't it. Not just because you don't want to inconvenience of pregnancy, putting weight on. In cases where couples are trying for
baby but have fertility issues, I imagine the woman would love to carry their own child.

[LaLuz7]

@Honey83

But it's a last resort with infertility isn't it. Not just because you don't want to inconvenience of pregnancy, putting weight on. In cases where couples are trying for
baby but have fertility issues, I imagine the woman would love to carry their own child.

Infertility still doesn't give you the moral right to rent a human as incubator.

If you were dying and needed a transplant, should you be allowed to buy a spare part from a desperately poor person, just because it's the last resort for you?