Friend and her online men

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Some posters might recall me discussing my concerns about this friend before. She's got lots of men she talks to without meeting. All she's seen are photos, never facetimed zoomed or anything. Telephone calls with some who are local but never met. Shared intimate photos with some of these. Two current ones are real but some are obviously scammers like the

catalogue model who couldn't zoom because he slipped on the catwalk.

She talks about these people at length which often makes for a boring conversation. I just decided to back off and let her get on with it.

Last night however I was at her house and saw a list of Brut items on a sheet of paper. 2 bottles of shower gel. 3 roll on deodorants. 4 anti perspirant deodorant. 6 body sprays. One cologne. 4 Brut splash on bottles. On it goes with other items and the address of the alleged doctor in Botswana.

I'm concerned this is the start of her sending money. I can't challenge her because I shouldn't really have seen it but it was left out on the dining room table.

Her sister is very concerned about her and her activities. Do I say something to the friend, the sister or say nothing?

What would you do?

It's got to the point where if I didn't laugh I'd cry. And I have done. Yes I've injected humour into some of my posts. Mainly to outline the stupidity of it. If she saw it written down like that I wonder if she'd actually get how it really looks?

She's so wrapped up in this fantasy life to the exclusion of reality, worrying about arguing with her "boyfriends" (not realizing they're playing a game of intermittent reinforcement to get her hooked) that she doesn't look after herself. She's type 1 diabetic and has hypos weekly because of her poor self care. I've bugged her to make an appointment with the diabetic consultant - first one in two years - she can't get one until late March.

If I tell her this is all an illusion she says I'm being mean. Her sister gets the same treatment.

They blocked her because she was overly invested and kicked off with them if they weren't constantly messaging. If they didn't reply immediately she panicked they'd gone off her and sent messages pleading for them to tell her what she'd done wrong and not to block her but to have a conversation.

She found the van driver's landline on BT Phonebook Online and rang him at home after he'd blocked her mobile number and all social media platforms.

@2023pending These were real people. It was just after these that she started messaging Nigerians, American guys (fakers) and other Africans. They got her through her playing Facebook games like WOW, OMG, Nametests etc.

I get you
It's so wacky you have to highlight it so people realise how she's being taken for a Wally

I mean I had the same when Gerald Butler messaged me the other month. He's obviously having a tough time in the acting world as he just needed 500 dollars and he could fly over and visit me! We should have sympathy for these poor struggling men

twitter.com/deathtospinach?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor

This is hilarious

If you've already tried the blunt approach and it hasn't worked then I would make one final it ceffort with the sister, who you say is also concerned. Think of it as delegating, rather than backing away, but once you've done it don't entertain anymore of these conversations as she may interpret that as encouragement.

She talks about these people at length which often makes for a boring conversation.

Next time she starts I would say '<Friend>, I've already told you what I think these men are up to. It's obvious they're scamming you, but if you won't listen then I'd rather not hear about them.'

*one final effort

She isn't stupid, she knows they aren't real but she doesn't want to admit that, because to admit it to herself or anyone else acknowledges the fact she is alone and that anyone who isn't a scammer doesn't want anything to do with her.

She was hounding those local men until they blocked her because she has incredibly low self esteem. This way she gets to live in a little dreamworld that doesn't exist without these scammers. So she is paying for a life that brings her joy, even if it isn't real.

I'm not sure what you can do...tough love? Tell the bank?

But please keep checking in on her, she is obviously in a difficult place if this made up world is preferable to her reality.

@crazysausagespart2 Any Tom Dick or Harry will do.

I'm leaving her alone for a bit but I will check up on her in a week or so.

Omg that Twitter account is hilarious

I usually get Retired American Army Doctors messaging me, who look like Mitt Romney

It's all bullshit

Resurrecting this as I had a chat with my friend when I visited her the other evening for supper. She's stopped telling me so much about men now which is a positive. She will say "I spoke to him from Pontefract" or "Him from Thirsk rang me" - she doesn't want me to know their names in case I find them on Facebook and become friends with them. She was upset when one of them asked for my details after she told him I was there and said "No Saffron is MY friend!!" (I wouldn't want anything to do with them btw not even after hell has frozen over).

The catalogue model is long gone but the one in Botswana is still messaging and she says they are in a relationship. She says he is saving up to come and see her but he can't stay with her more than 3 nights as she will lose her benefits. I know it won't happen. I saw two parcels to Botswana in her hallway when I was there but didn't say anything. It's all cloud cuckoo land. He also asked her for some money to help with his business and she told him no, but continued chatting with him. Why that didn't elicit an immediate block and delete I don't know.

She then wrote on Facebook that she just wants to say "a big thankyou to a special person I call Mr Softee for listening when I'm feeling down, it means a lot. I think he knows who I mean" - she is telling this man from Botswana all kinds of personal stuff by the sounds of it and creating false reality.

She made excuses for coming out with me for lunch twice, once that she had lost her bus pass and the second time she hadn't renewed her bus pass (free travel for disability reasons). I pointed out that £2 fares were available but it was too expensive yet she spends hundreds on an Arsenal strip for someone she's never met).

She'll not change. I'll keep chatting with her but I don't hold much hope out. Maybe, this is what she wants life to be like. Watching TikToks all day and chatting to people who are just not there in real life.

I guess you all think the same thing - leave her to it or walk away.

Oh, bless you @ImJustMadAboutSaffron, it must be so upsetting and frustrating to see a friend doing this to herself, especially as she's so vulnerable. Could you try pointing her in the direction of these - It was a BBC series about online romance scammers, their tactics and unmasking them, etc. It's a good, if harrowing at times, watch and hopefully will help others. Although I suspect your friend will say that her contacts "are different".

So sad. But I think you are right. Maybe not walk away entirely, but refuse to engage with any of it, like you are doing.

I also had a friend with one of these "boyfriends" via Facebook. Not as enmeshed as yours, but for a while I was getting messaging invites and friend requests from his friends, via her. I blocked them all in the end.

Thank you for the update. I hope things will work out for her, but sadly it doesn't seem like she is open to reality and it will end in ruin and heartache.

How is she paying for all these parcels/gifts? If they are with savings, they will ultimately run out. And if with her benefits, what if she is found out? Surely it can't go on indefinitely? Or, sadly, perhaps it will. Sometimes you just can't save people from themselves.

Best wishes to you. x

@REP22 The frustrating thing is she has seen all those shows and says that those people who send money are 'morons' - she will justify that to herself by not sending money, but doesn't see that she has spent money on stuff to send to the bloke. I have been shaking my head for two and a half years over this.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron , oh, I'm sorry. It sounds like you can step back with a clear conscience. You have tried your best and it hasn't gone anywhere. But at least you did try, as much as you could. x

@mnhq

Nomination for classics please!

Have you tried taking a "men are providers what gifts/financial help are they sending you? Surely if they loved you they'd not see you struggling on benefits and would pay to keep a roof over your head...?"