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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I petty not to invite them / her ?

95 replies

ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 17:29

I've recently (ish) moved to a new area into a small road.

Not long after I moved here with my family, another family also moved onto the road. They are local to the area, we are not. They have two kids. We have two kids. Our oldest DDs are of similar age.

There aren't any other families with young children on our very small street, so I was quite excited that my kids perhaps would have some play mates.

After a while of them moving in, I introduced myself to the mum and we exchanged numbers. I made it clear I would love for our kids to have play dates some time.

After some time went by, I texted the mum. The first time, she couldn't make it. She was nice enough and suggested another time she was free. We met up. All went fine. The kids got on fine. We talked how it would be nice for them to meet up, as we live so close etc

I haven't heard from her since then. I know her DD had a birthday in that time and I've seen bouncy castles and lots of balloons in their garden during the summer a few times. I assume they just didn't want to invite us to play or to the parties.

I haven't heard from her in 7 months or so and we are pretty much neighbours.

So my DD birthday comes around at the beginning of the month. We had a big party and I didn't invite them. I am sure they saw a lot of cars outside etc, it was quite clear.

I did consider inviting them, but I kind of felt like, the ball was in her court if she'd wanted to continue the friendship and they clearly had bouncy castles up for a lot of the summer and could have invited my DDs ( if not for parties, maybe just for a play date ). They clearly chose not to do so, so why should I invite them ?

Just reading it back, I do sound petty. But I just can't be bothered to try with people who don't try back !

OP posts:
AnuSTart · 26/01/2023 11:13

To go back to the Christmas card. Maybe because you didn't send her one, she thinks you don't want to be friends? Just a thought. And then the party reiterated this to her?

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 11:19

AnuSTart · 26/01/2023 11:13

To go back to the Christmas card. Maybe because you didn't send her one, she thinks you don't want to be friends? Just a thought. And then the party reiterated this to her?

Yeah that's probably what she thinks now, which is the whole reason I was thinking whether I should have just invited her, because I didn't want to seem hostile if that makes sense. I didn't send her a Christmas card and only received her when I got back from being away after Christmas.. so I couldn't really send one then.

Then I have this massive party, everyone else is invited etc. feels a bit hostile that I didn't invite her. But apparently I'm a huge loser for even thinking that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 11:21

@Blondeshavemorefun hahaha no, I didn't want her there, which is why I didn't invite her. She's made it clear she doesn't want to be friends, so I didn't invite her. But I just wondered whether I should have been bigger than that and invited anyway.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 26/01/2023 11:25

ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 11:21

@Blondeshavemorefun hahaha no, I didn't want her there, which is why I didn't invite her. She's made it clear she doesn't want to be friends, so I didn't invite her. But I just wondered whether I should have been bigger than that and invited anyway.

Tbh I think you are both as bad as each other

Yes maybe she should have invited you over during summer holidays

But you didn't contact her either

She is local. Has friends - yes can always have more but isn't in need of you as such

Where you @ladybugg23 you need more friends for you and dd

You should have sent the odd text saying hello. How's things

You should have sent an Xmas card

And yes you should I have invited her as re your last reply saying that you invited all the neighbours except her

Thereisnolight · 26/01/2023 11:32

I think you were hurt because you felt that your neighbour wasn’t making much of an effort with you or your child so you decided to “show her” by ostentatiously leaving her out. But now you quite rightly feel silly and realise you missed an opportunity.

You probably should have included her - but you probably also know she didn’t even notice. Which is probably what’s bothering you! Stop these games. Wait till you next see her, give a friendly smile and wave in passing, then follow up with another play date invitation. If she comes she comes and if she doesn’t - yes, it’ll burn but you can’t go through life being afraid. If you’ve asked in a friendly dignified way you haven’t done anything wrong and at least you’ve tried. Try not build people up into fantasy unreachable figures who will make your life perfect. (I am very guilty of this).

Easy to over-think and magnify everything when you’re new and have a PFB I know. You’ll look back on all this and roll your eyes at yourself.

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 11:32

@Blondeshavemorefun I don't think I should have texted her after the play date etc. she should have made the next move.

I should have just invited her though. I feel that was a bit hostile. Do I really care in the grand scheme of things ? No. Does she care ? I very much doubt it.

I'll be friendly if I see her and just get on with life.

We have met lots of lovely people looking to make friends, that we don't need to go around begging the ones who don't want to.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 26/01/2023 11:32

If you don't care why have you don't this post ?

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 11:36

Thereisnolight · 26/01/2023 11:32

I think you were hurt because you felt that your neighbour wasn’t making much of an effort with you or your child so you decided to “show her” by ostentatiously leaving her out. But now you quite rightly feel silly and realise you missed an opportunity.

You probably should have included her - but you probably also know she didn’t even notice. Which is probably what’s bothering you! Stop these games. Wait till you next see her, give a friendly smile and wave in passing, then follow up with another play date invitation. If she comes she comes and if she doesn’t - yes, it’ll burn but you can’t go through life being afraid. If you’ve asked in a friendly dignified way you haven’t done anything wrong and at least you’ve tried. Try not build people up into fantasy unreachable figures who will make your life perfect. (I am very guilty of this).

Easy to over-think and magnify everything when you’re new and have a PFB I know. You’ll look back on all this and roll your eyes at yourself.

No I don't think you get it. I don't want to be friends with her. That ship has sailed. I'm not going to try again. I just think I would have looked like the bigger person if I had just invited her, for the sake of it, not because I'm begging to be her friend.

I am already rolling my eyes at myself that I just didn't include her, not because I want to her to be my friend, but just because others were invited and it was a big party.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 11:39

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/01/2023 11:32

If you don't care why have you don't this post ?

I don't care about her being my friend whatsoever. I tried and she didn't try back and therefore it's done for me. But for the sake of not appearing hostile and being inclusive, I could have invited her. I don't care about anything, I'm just really fucking bored and wondered what a bunch of strangers would think of the situation, just for fun.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 26/01/2023 11:40

Thereisnolight · 26/01/2023 11:32

I think you were hurt because you felt that your neighbour wasn’t making much of an effort with you or your child so you decided to “show her” by ostentatiously leaving her out. But now you quite rightly feel silly and realise you missed an opportunity.

You probably should have included her - but you probably also know she didn’t even notice. Which is probably what’s bothering you! Stop these games. Wait till you next see her, give a friendly smile and wave in passing, then follow up with another play date invitation. If she comes she comes and if she doesn’t - yes, it’ll burn but you can’t go through life being afraid. If you’ve asked in a friendly dignified way you haven’t done anything wrong and at least you’ve tried. Try not build people up into fantasy unreachable figures who will make your life perfect. (I am very guilty of this).

Easy to over-think and magnify everything when you’re new and have a PFB I know. You’ll look back on all this and roll your eyes at yourself.

Agree with all this @Thereisnolight

tho seems op doesn’t care or want to be friends so ………,

takealettermsjones · 26/01/2023 11:42

I'm confused about why you're texting each other to meet up if you're neighbours on a small street and close enough to see the bouncy castles etc.

Misses point of thread

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 11:43

takealettermsjones · 26/01/2023 11:42

I'm confused about why you're texting each other to meet up if you're neighbours on a small street and close enough to see the bouncy castles etc.

Misses point of thread

I don't know, it's a bit intrusive to just go over there I think ?

OP posts:
Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 11:45

The inviting all the other neighbours and excluding them was a major drip feed.

I find that incredibly rude. I’d never invite everyone and exclude one person.

you really are fucked off she doesn’t want to be your Bessie aren’t you and behave punitively when you don’t get your own way.

horrible behaviour to invite all neighbours and exclud one family who have done nothing wrong.

crumbsinthejam · 26/01/2023 11:50

ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 11:21

@Blondeshavemorefun hahaha no, I didn't want her there, which is why I didn't invite her. She's made it clear she doesn't want to be friends, so I didn't invite her. But I just wondered whether I should have been bigger than that and invited anyway.

It sounds like you deliberately invited everyone but her to make a point and to get back at her for not making any effort with you. You sound difficult

Elleviss · 26/01/2023 11:58

crumbsinthejam · 26/01/2023 11:50

It sounds like you deliberately invited everyone but her to make a point and to get back at her for not making any effort with you. You sound difficult

Show quote history

You beat me to it. OP is obviously very pissed off that neighbour couldn't have cared less 😂

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 11:58

Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 11:45

The inviting all the other neighbours and excluding them was a major drip feed.

I find that incredibly rude. I’d never invite everyone and exclude one person.

you really are fucked off she doesn’t want to be your Bessie aren’t you and behave punitively when you don’t get your own way.

horrible behaviour to invite all neighbours and exclud one family who have done nothing wrong.

Yeah I think it seems quite hostile. The dynamics of our road are a bit difficult to explain. The street is kind of split in two. I have contact with one side of the street closest to me. So I invited all direct neighbours on the side my side. She's on my side. But I didn't invite the entire street if that makes sense.

I invited everyone from my side of the street who makes an effort with us. That's everyone, except her.

But yeah I should have just invited her as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 12:01

@crumbsinthejam I totally get what you are saying. But why should I make an effort with people who clearly couldn't care less ? ?

I'm conflicted about this, as you can see.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybugg23 · 26/01/2023 12:02

Oh I didn't deliberately invite my closest neighbours and not her to make a point. I invited them as actually hang out and have mutual friendships.

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 26/01/2023 12:04

This is a lot of overthinking for what amounts to one person arranging play date, no further contact, other person sends Christmas card, no further contact.

If you want your daughter to have a friend, carry on arranging things. If it's about the children, then it's irrelevant which parent is putting in more effort. You just do what's best for your child.

If you want a friend, then you either have to be brave and stick your neck on the line and try again, and see how she responds. You don't know this woman at all! Maybe she's very shy and that's why she hasn't "put the effort in". If she's still not bothered after you try again, then I suggest you stop caring too.

CitronVert22 · 26/01/2023 12:25

I think you just never reached the point where you had a relationship, bad or good. You were still developing it. I'd have seen the party as a sensible opportunity to develop the relationship and so invited them. Yeah, she could have initiated, but I can't really say I'd get offended by this whole breach of etiquette of she should have been the next one to make contact business. We have loads of low level relationships that can take ages to become something and that's fine.

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