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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I petty not to invite them / her ?

95 replies

ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 17:29

I've recently (ish) moved to a new area into a small road.

Not long after I moved here with my family, another family also moved onto the road. They are local to the area, we are not. They have two kids. We have two kids. Our oldest DDs are of similar age.

There aren't any other families with young children on our very small street, so I was quite excited that my kids perhaps would have some play mates.

After a while of them moving in, I introduced myself to the mum and we exchanged numbers. I made it clear I would love for our kids to have play dates some time.

After some time went by, I texted the mum. The first time, she couldn't make it. She was nice enough and suggested another time she was free. We met up. All went fine. The kids got on fine. We talked how it would be nice for them to meet up, as we live so close etc

I haven't heard from her since then. I know her DD had a birthday in that time and I've seen bouncy castles and lots of balloons in their garden during the summer a few times. I assume they just didn't want to invite us to play or to the parties.

I haven't heard from her in 7 months or so and we are pretty much neighbours.

So my DD birthday comes around at the beginning of the month. We had a big party and I didn't invite them. I am sure they saw a lot of cars outside etc, it was quite clear.

I did consider inviting them, but I kind of felt like, the ball was in her court if she'd wanted to continue the friendship and they clearly had bouncy castles up for a lot of the summer and could have invited my DDs ( if not for parties, maybe just for a play date ). They clearly chose not to do so, so why should I invite them ?

Just reading it back, I do sound petty. But I just can't be bothered to try with people who don't try back !

OP posts:
Choconut · 24/01/2023 18:40

I think it can be difficult to invite a neighbour who doesn't know any of the birthday child's friends, they could feel a bit left out. I would just be polite and friendly but continue to leave the ball in her court.

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 18:47

My DD is only 2. So she doesn't have friends or know anyone yet really as we are new here. Lots of people came to the party who we didn't know so well. Some she's never even met before ! ( friends who live far away and we don't see that often ).

I think as these people are local, they don't need to make new friends and just aren't interested. That's fine. No harm done at all. But I can stop feeling bad / petty that I didn't invite them.

OP posts:
Mummysruined · 24/01/2023 18:48

Oh god, I'm sorry, I hateeee when people are so picky about how often someone makes the effort etc etc... I COULD NOT tell you who makes more effort with me and my friends, although we've been friends 20 years (maybe that's why!!)

Either you want your daughter to have a friend (if so you should have invited her to the party and not been selfish)

Or you want a friend, in which case you might not be up her street (excuse the pun) and that's perfectly acceptable.

Spiderboy · 24/01/2023 18:49

I think you’re giving this a lot of thought and she’d probably be weirded out by this thread. She obviously isn’t bothered. When the kids are old enough they’ll sort themselves out if they’re interested ☺️

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 18:51

Spiderboy · 24/01/2023 18:49

I think you’re giving this a lot of thought and she’d probably be weirded out by this thread. She obviously isn’t bothered. When the kids are old enough they’ll sort themselves out if they’re interested ☺️

I'm just a considerate, sociable person and felt a bit bad for not inviting.

But I don't anymore, now it's been confirmed it was completely fair enough that I didn't

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 19:02

Mummysruined · 24/01/2023 18:48

Oh god, I'm sorry, I hateeee when people are so picky about how often someone makes the effort etc etc... I COULD NOT tell you who makes more effort with me and my friends, although we've been friends 20 years (maybe that's why!!)

Either you want your daughter to have a friend (if so you should have invited her to the party and not been selfish)

Or you want a friend, in which case you might not be up her street (excuse the pun) and that's perfectly acceptable.

I'm not hugely like that, but with new people you do need to watch for signs. If they don't want to be friends then it becomes clear and you can focus your energy on others who do want to see you.

With established friendships it's different.

OP posts:
Lost123454 · 24/01/2023 19:05

Sounds like she's not interested

I wouldn't have invited her either

OnlyFannys · 24/01/2023 19:06

Ok so your child has just turned 2? So it's not really about the kids "friendship" it's more about you wanting to make a friend? Totally understandable in a new area but it sounds like perhaps you came on a little strong or she just didnt really click with you. I would try not to overthink it as it doesnt sound like your neighbour has given it much thought at all

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 19:17

OnlyFannys · 24/01/2023 19:06

Ok so your child has just turned 2? So it's not really about the kids "friendship" it's more about you wanting to make a friend? Totally understandable in a new area but it sounds like perhaps you came on a little strong or she just didnt really click with you. I would try not to overthink it as it doesnt sound like your neighbour has given it much thought at all

Yeah the kids are young. It was just about making connections. I remember when I was little always playing in the street with my neighbours.

But a lot of what I'm doing at the moment is making new connections, as we don't know many people.

I've noticed that people who are local don't really care about making connections, whereas others who have also moved to the area from elsewhere are really keen on new friendships. Which makes perfect sense. I don't want to waste energy on people who don't want to connect. But it just seemed mean not to invite them. I'm glad that's just me being silly and others wouldn't have invited them either !

OP posts:
WomanStanleyWoman2 · 24/01/2023 19:21

I doubt she thought anything of it. It sounds extremely unlikely that she’d even have expected to be invited to a function in your home.

2Hot2Handle · 24/01/2023 19:23

Different perspective, but I wouldn’t necessarily take it to mean that your neighbour isn’t interested in future play dates for the kids that they haven’t arranged a follow up. In my experience, some parents are shy about reaching out, even if someone has already made the first move. Other parents aren’t great at organising. Others are really busy juggling other things to arrange get together soon.

Don’t worry about the party invite. I would expect a relationship to have built up behind one play date, before I expected an invitation, or would think to invite someone.

However, if you’d like to have future play dates, I don’t see the harm in messaging to see if your neighbour is open to get together again. That would give you a better gauge on how interested they are, without lots of messaging, or chasing. If you do have a second play date, you could say something like, “sorry it took so long to get another date in the diary” and see how they respond. They might list one of the above reasons as to why they haven’t reached out.

Keepfocused · 24/01/2023 19:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/01/2023 19:27

You should just forget all about this. I think your neighbour has.
I'm absolutely certain that she bears you no ill will but you are really over thinking it.
She may have all sorts of difficulties or pressures going on in her life and may not want a neighbour getting too involved.
It's hard moving into a new area when you don't know people but You have young DCs and will gradually meet people who do want to make friends. Try to be a bit more casual and relaxed about this.
At the moment, worrying about what this woman thinks about you to this extent would probably be seen by her or anyone else you relay this story too as too pushy.
If you do see her again, just smile and say hello and Relax. Take your DD to playgroups and do all the kid things and acquaintances will grow and some, but not all will eventually become friends.

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 19:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cool, so you don't want to get to know new people. That's fine. I do. That doesn't make me bored.

OP posts:
Coraline353 · 24/01/2023 19:30

It's not clear if you reached out since that one playdate. She may think you've equally been ignoring her.

I absolutely loathe people who complain about someone bit contacting them, when they haven't done either. Why has it been up to her? If you want to hang out, get in touch!

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 19:32

Coraline353 · 24/01/2023 19:30

It's not clear if you reached out since that one playdate. She may think you've equally been ignoring her.

I absolutely loathe people who complain about someone bit contacting them, when they haven't done either. Why has it been up to her? If you want to hang out, get in touch!

I reached out to arrange the original play date. So I think it was up to her to reach out if she wanted to see us again.

I don't want to be too pushy with people I don't even know. I did more than enough I think. If she wants a play date or a coffee or whatever, she can reach out.

OP posts:
gettingolderandgrumpier · 24/01/2023 19:34

Your overthinking it op ,
people are busy so you and your dc are not the forethought in her mind .
why would she invite your dc if only met once ?she probably didn’t even think about it.
you were friendly and if you bump into her again suggest a play date but if it doesn’t happen don’t worry , and no you don’t need to invite to birthday parties if you don’t want to she won’t think anything of it .

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 19:37

gettingolderandgrumpier · 24/01/2023 19:34

Your overthinking it op ,
people are busy so you and your dc are not the forethought in her mind .
why would she invite your dc if only met once ?she probably didn’t even think about it.
you were friendly and if you bump into her again suggest a play date but if it doesn’t happen don’t worry , and no you don’t need to invite to birthday parties if you don’t want to she won’t think anything of it .

I think it's just because so many other neighbours were there that I felt a bit petty. But I talk to them regularly and do stuff with them, so it's different. I just didn't want to exclude them. It almost felt like I was, by not inviting. But yes, totally overthinking.

OP posts:
Chilesstanton · 24/01/2023 19:40

Kindly, this is a non event

HinnyHoway · 24/01/2023 19:41

Do you think she is giving it this much headspace? You aren’t friendly, it’s fine.

Swissmountains · 24/01/2023 19:47

You definitely don't sound petty at all, you have had one playdate that is all. No need to worry. If she invites you to their parties going forward you can reassess and consider inviting them back. Otherwise I think she will be a cheery neighbour you wave to now and then, and that is fine.

ShandaLear · 24/01/2023 19:51

Your neighbours, not friends. They’re local - they probably already have a wide circle of friends and relatives.

Original poster
ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 19:51

Swissmountains · 24/01/2023 19:47

You definitely don't sound petty at all, you have had one playdate that is all. No need to worry. If she invites you to their parties going forward you can reassess and consider inviting them back. Otherwise I think she will be a cheery neighbour you wave to now and then, and that is fine.

I really thought everyone would reply telling me I was horrible not to invite !! M

OP posts:
Original poster
ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 19:53

ShandaLear · 24/01/2023 19:51

Your neighbours, not friends. They’re local - they probably already have a wide circle of friends and relatives.

Yes definitely. They don't need another friend. The locals usually don't.

OP posts:
Coraline353 · 24/01/2023 19:55

ladybugg23 · 24/01/2023 19:32

I reached out to arrange the original play date. So I think it was up to her to reach out if she wanted to see us again.

I don't want to be too pushy with people I don't even know. I did more than enough I think. If she wants a play date or a coffee or whatever, she can reach out.

Show quote history

I don't think you were petty to not invite them to the party but I do think you're being silly with 'i initiated the first meet up so it's her turn'. It's the epitome of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

If you wanted a friendship then you should have taken more initiative. Backing off after one playdate because she didn't initiate a follow up is daft. She might just have felt shy or awkward and maybe would have loved to hear from you but thought 'well she never contacted me again so she must not have liked me'.