A lot of financially successful women date low earning men?

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Im prepared to be FLAMED!

My friend was ranting to me about the dating pool. She was saying how hard it is to find a man financially equal to her. She said getting dates wasn’t a problem but getting dates with a man earning roughly the same to her was virtually impossible. The guys she does find who earns similar or more tend to go for women who earn significantly less which she didn’t understand. She just wants someone she doesn’t have to constantly subsidise to go on holidays and days out with etc. She said it’s impossible for well earning women to find financial equal partners.

So I thought about it and actually I have noticed that lots of well earning female friends mostly seem to date very low earning men and I wonder why that is?

one of my best friends is a doctor and her fiancé works in a hobby job that doesn’t make much (no kids).

Then my friend since school has grafted her ass off and earns well but works pretty much everyday whilst her DP works a zero hour contract minimum wage job(no kids either).

These lovely women are paying for pretty much everything.

I know it’s anecdotal and people will say ‘that’s your friendship circle blah blah’. So I’ve thought further afield and all the female directors and senior managers at work have very low earning husbands too.

It’s not even a childcare thing as when I look across the successful women I know of, they are a mix of parents and childfree couples.

The higher earning men I know have financially varied partners but if they date a very low earning women then its either because the woman has taken time out to raise kids or the women tend to be very ‘mainstream attractive’. So the stereotypical wealthier older man with younger attractive woman.

But the higher earning women aren’t dating lower earning younger very attractive men. Just everyday blokes.

is it because women tend to just go for who we fall in love with? Or is it harder for high earning women to couple up with financially equal men?

I’ll probably somehow offend someone with this post/question, but I am now curious after my friends rant to see if this is true!

Disclaimer: I am neither high earning or a trophy wife. Just average and pondering.

Ive noticed this too. Mostly from women who met their partners later in life.

Good for you.

Don’t think that negates what OP is saying. It is also a common dynamic.

Both trends can exist.

if women are single in later life and are high earners, they have fewer options than men in same position.

Is this down to women taking the man's home and 50% of his income during the divorce though ?

For a 1% man. His options are far greater than a financially stable woman.

A man looks for looks and ease Of getting along with above money or status.

Stop assuming men are looking for the same qualities women are.

@user1471518104, I got divorced on equal terms, as in 50/50, so I cannot comment on your case. If anyone is happy for their partner not to work, then they know what they are risking in the case of a divorce.

Tedmullins love full time dog dad lol

I’m sorry if this comes across a bit snobby but hopefully you’ll know what I mean! Is it to do more with the type of job, so, for example as I said my DH earns half what I do but it is still a ‘skilled’ type job that you need a degree for, think sciencey type job. A lot of the people on this thread are talking disparagingly about differences in salary when the DH has a minimum wage type job…unskilled? Honestly, if my DH packed his in and went and did shifts stacking shelves and started gaming or doing his hobby in his free time then I’ll probably be a bit taken aback..

I have experienced this in dating. I think for me it depends less than on the earning disparity and more in what both of you do and the trajectory you are on.

I significantly out earn my partner due to working in a highly specialised field. I am also a little older than him. However he works in a professional field, has a stable income, and is on a trajectory to increase his earnings because that field has good career progression opportunities. Therefore I feel I can have a lot more respect and feeling of equality with him than someone with a different type of lower earning job. The fact he works full time in a professional environment and works hard and performs well is actually more important to me than the number on the bottom of his paycheque.

I think an advantage for us is that neither of us has particularly expensive taste in terms of shared expenses - we live in an area where the cost of living is fairly low, so we can do nice things together and split the cost equally.

Yes, I said for a 1% man the competition is fiercer…which is due to them having more options. But the same is true for a 1% woman to be fair. It’s all about which options each man/woman choose to rule out or pursue.

I haven’t said what I think men are looking for so your comment of ‘stop assuming men are looking for the same qualities women are’ doesn’t apply to your post to me.

Pretty much my observations as well looking at my 'middle class' social circle. Most of the men were keen to date/marry someone in their social class and by that I mean uni educated, professional job etc and were more accommodating when it came to income disparity. The women seemed very much to have married men within the same income bracket. Of the stay at home dads I know, all of whom had worked professional jobs before prior to kids, have generally observed that the assumptions made about them was that they only took on he SAHD role due to some perceived failure on their part, crap job, lazy, unemployed etc.

I don't think that feeling of subsidising is solely money based though.

I earn twice what dp does, and have always been on a significantly higher wage since we started.

However DP works hard, and is established in a job they like that's rewarding and a good job for that field. It's just a low paying career route. However it offers the right work life balance, and I don't have a sense that I'm working harder than them to provide for our life.

I'd maybe feel different if they were in a lower paid job that they hate, or that dominated our lives.

It was trickier at the start because our finances were more separate, so I would chose to do more costly dates then perhaps they would so we sort of had a pay for alternate dates so I could still chose nice restaurants etc without feeling bad that they were being stretched to afford it, then on their date we could do things like walks etc

Often it's women that tend to pick things like health and social care careers or teaching etc which tend to have capped wages no matter how hard you work. It's not that they mooch its just less earning potential. However sometimes that's men

In most relationships especially once you have kids there is always going to be a career that you Try to protect more, and one that needs to be able to do less overtime etc. When I was in the pushing stage of my career, it wouldn't have worked if dp had been also doing lots of extra work as we'd of never have seen each other!

Theres obviously some pressure in being a high earner But someone will always out earn the other.

My DP did once work in a higher earning field that they bloody hated, and I'd hate it if they went back to that.

I work private sector and earn almost double what DP who works in the police does. However, I'm proud of his job and he has far more job security and better pension than I do. Most importantly he's happy and fulfilled by his work and not a miserable grumpy bastard at home. He also owned a place when I met him, so in that aspect we were equals.

I date men who earn a bit less for the same reason men do. I'm very career focused and believe both people cannot prioritise their careers without the relationship suffering a bit. I've dated guys who earned the same or more and the expectation was always that my career was more flexible and movable than theirs OR that I was going to drop down a few notches post kids while they carried on. I can see the appeal of a guy who's happy to be househusband or support your career tbh, or someone who's just a good hands on dad, of course not all lower earners are this way!

I would never date a guy who didn't have a pension, savings or any assets though. Or isn't financially prudent. That's a bigger test of how compatible you are than just the salary.

In some families it isn't possibly for both partners to have a highly paid job, because of the time commitment once children come along.

I think it ends up this way so that people have a home life - it's all balance. Atm I out earn DP but he had a catastrophic thing happen at uni and is still catching up. I expect him to out earn me once he's fully qualified, where he will also be on a more straightforward career path than me so I'm happy to take the hit and go p/t if we have DC.

I think it's different in different stages in life. When you're setting out, planning children there's an acceptance that things can change and that likely the lower earning partner will contribute more in other ways, childcare etc.

Also, when the lower earner is a man, "everything" else really does seem to fall to the woman. When the situation is reversed that rarely seems to be the case. Even if he's "good", a woman will usually be taking on much more of the mental load than a man does when the situation is reversed.

I was married for 30 years and over that time, the higher earner changed. We both also supported the other during time away from work/training for a career change, all good. We worked together to create the future we wanted.

However, if I was going into a new relationship now, in my 50s, I'd have to accept that the position now probably isn't going to change. When I was young I was happy not to have holidays etc if "we" couldn't afford it and to work towards doing that in the future. Now if I can go I want to go and I don't want to feel I'm subsiding someone I have no real financial link to, any more than I'd want to think he was subsidising me..

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Im not going to say im suprised, but disappointed at the apparent wilfull blindness to the fact that if a man had said this he would have been kambasted to hell and back.
Anyway, welcome to reality.
Equality has arrived.

Mind your own

It hasn't though because in "traditional" relationships with a financial imbalance, the woman would more than earn her keep in "wifework". Can you honestly say that happens where the man is the lower earner? Even men who do their bit are rarely taking on the management of the household and the mental load in the same way women do.

Shock - higher earners mostly end up dating lower earners

Wouldn't be my priority in the first couple of dates - does she out whta she's looking for on her profile?

What age is your friend?

*put what she's looking for

Most of my friends are SAHM or prefer to work PT so generally are lower earners within the couple
DP earns less than me and although we don’t live together I help him out financially if needed and pay a bigger share if not all of leisure activities including holidays
His value is in other areas
Ive dated higher earners in the past who were mean with money and know which I prefer

Even men who do their bit are rarely taking on the management of the household and the mental load in the same way women do.

I bit of projection going on there!

High earning women may have a stressful job, and don’t want a man’s stress too?

Or they’re being judged by men on their looks and not considered high value, whereas a woman is more likely to judge a man on his wallet?

Honestly I completely empathise! I am a fairly high earning woman (60k in the NW) and I'm with a lovely man now who earns less but not far off. But when I was dating aged 30+ this was a challenge, I didn't want to date someone I would either have to reduce my quality of life for or subsidise. I don't need anyone to pay for me, but I don't want to pay for anyone else either. I was looking for someone on at least 35k/40k and secure financially. I think if you get together young and then things fluctuate throughout the relationship it's different. Earning potential in a partner wasn't something I thought about when I was dating at 25. But when you have established a life for yourself you want to maintain it, not end up funding someone else!

I would tell your friend to keep her standards high, the right person will come along eventually (I was single for 5 years before current bf).