A lot of financially successful women date low earning men?

[Avidnamechange]

Im prepared to be FLAMED!

My friend was ranting to me about the dating pool. She was saying how hard it is to find a man financially equal to her. She said getting dates wasn’t a problem but getting dates with a man earning roughly the same to her was virtually impossible. The guys she does find who earns similar or more tend to go for women who earn significantly less which she didn’t understand. She just wants someone she doesn’t have to constantly subsidise to go on holidays and days out with etc. She said it’s impossible for well earning women to find financial equal partners.

So I thought about it and actually I have noticed that lots of well earning female friends mostly seem to date very low earning men and I wonder why that is?

one of my best friends is a doctor and her fiancé works in a hobby job that doesn’t make much (no kids).

Then my friend since school has grafted her ass off and earns well but works pretty much everyday whilst her DP works a zero hour contract minimum wage job(no kids either).

These lovely women are paying for pretty much everything.

I know it’s anecdotal and people will say ‘that’s your friendship circle blah blah’. So I’ve thought further afield and all the female directors and senior managers at work have very low earning husbands too.

It’s not even a childcare thing as when I look across the successful women I know of, they are a mix of parents and childfree couples.

The higher earning men I know have financially varied partners but if they date a very low earning women then its either because the woman has taken time out to raise kids or the women tend to be very ‘mainstream attractive’. So the stereotypical wealthier older man with younger attractive woman.

But the higher earning women aren’t dating lower earning younger very attractive men. Just everyday blokes.

is it because women tend to just go for who we fall in love with? Or is it harder for high earning women to couple up with financially equal men?

I’ll probably somehow offend someone with this post/question, but I am now curious after my friends rant to see if this is true!

Disclaimer: I am neither high earning or a trophy wife. Just average and pondering.

My ex husband earns 3x less than I do. He has never maximised his income. I wouldn't enter into a relationship with such a disparity in income ever again. He clearly got complacent, left all financial decisions up to me. Never offered to pay for anything. I lost respect of him and to be honest i don't want the stress and pressure of being the main earner in a relationship again.

When I met DH he earned a lot less than me. He was just finishing his training in his career, I was fully qualified. 7 years later and he now earns a lot more than I do. Combination of him getting more pay rises in his profession and me dropping to part time after we had children.

Income can fluctuate and should never be part of dating criteria. It was far more important to me to meet a man who was similar on an intellectual level, which DH was.

i earn twice as much as my DH. However we met when we are at uni and have been together for over 15 years. His career is more ‘vocational’ I guess and he enjoys his job, I love being financially independent and we never argue about money, manage finances really well together. The only downside is that because I’m the main breadwinner I don’t always have flexibility to, for example go down to four days like some of my friends, and have the pressure of needing to match my salary when I change jobs. HOWEVER, I would MUCH prefer these downsides at the price of being financially independent and also (I’m generalising here) but I would hate to be with a mega high earner who is in the office all hours, tied to his job. My DH is always around for bedtimes, does his fair share of school and nursery runs etc. would rather have that..

A lot of financially successful men date low earning women too.

Finding financial equals who will take on an equal share of financial responsibility is hard but not impossible.

Men paying for pretty much everything still happens far more often than women paying for pretty much everything.

Depends on age and stage in life as to how important this is and how finances can be managed in a relationship - jointly or separate.

Most higher earning women from what I have seen want an attractive husband - they aren't picking the less attractive guys.

When my wife and I first got together, I was a student and she was in a long-established career. She's now retraining and back at uni, while I'm earning more. (We're both women)

The value we bring to our partnership is equal regardless of earnings. However, I do think society places a disproportionate emphasis on monetary earnings and men do out-earn women on the whole. When that power dynamic is 'flipped' in a heterosexual relationship it goes against the norm.

I really just couldn’t care less what job they do so long as they are kind, fun, respectful, hard working and generally a good person. DH was earning when I wasn’t when we first met (student), and now I earn more than he does. All our money has always just gone into one pot so is matterless really.

Maybe it’s different if you meet when you’re both on a similar salary and then one over takes the other, as the relationship is already established on equal footing?

My friend said she doesn’t want anyone to pay for her but she doesn’t want to have to always pay or subsidise someone else to do things like go on nice holidays or for days out places.
She also doesn’t want to be the one to bring everything to the table financially. Her ex moved into her house as she owned and he rented. If they went away for a weekend they’d drive her car because it was nicer/newer. By the end of the relationship he was living in a lovely house, driving a new car and going on great holidays whilst working a minimum wage stress free job whilst she was working her ass off to afford them the life so felt resentful. Now she’s single and dating again and trying to avoid a similar scenario but the higher earning men are either already coupled up or seem to date lower earning super attractive women.
she doesn’t want a hot 20 year old man. Just a similar earning 35 year old average looking bloke.

I personally earn only 5K more than my DP and am a homeowner and DP wasn’t. I feel no resentment but then 5K isn’t much difference after deductions. We also pool all our money.

And a lot of high earning men date low earning females…

@Avidnamechange inthink this is a lot to do with longevity of relationship as, being married for a long time with kids I wouldn’t think of it is me ‘subsidising’ him - we pool money and are a team. But in a new relationship if there was a massive disparity as you describe I would possibly think the same?

Could that not be argued the other way round as well? 🤷‍♀️

I'm a higher earning woman engaged to a lower earning man. There's an age difference - I'm 14 years older. Our financial arrangement works for us and we have had the happiest of relationships for the last four years. I'm so happy he proposed - I would have been fine not marrying but it makes me happy knowing he will be protected in law if anything should happen to me.

@YearOfTheLepus interesting point about heterosexual relationships and social norms.

Just thinking that the ‘norm’ is that if a hetero couple have kids then usually the woman takes maternity leave and then goes back to work part time whilst kids are small.

If you’re a bread winning woman then you might not be able to take full maternity pay or have the option to go part time. So in that way your options are limited due to your DP not earning enough to support the family. So the male DP then gets the option of the primary caregiver role. Maybe because society is so conditioned for women to be the primary caregiver that when that option is taken away it can make some feel uncomfortable or resentful.

Before anyone flames me for writing that, I don’t personally feel/think that, but can understand why some women might.

Yes I think that maybe it.

Me and DP pool finances and have a baby. If I was suddenly earning 6 figures I’d feel excited for us as a family.

However if I was earning 6 figures busting my ass off and met someone new who didn’t earn much, then maybe I’d feel completely different!

Oh dear, OP - think you’ve touched a nerve based on some of these replies!

FWIW I think you’ve stumbled on something. I think high earning women do find it harder to find a partner. The truth is lots of men have fragile egos and struggle with a woman being more successful.

unfortunately, that leaves successful women with fewer options. And that’s where the cock lodgers come in.

of course, there are well- balanced, lovely guys out there. But not that many.

I'm reminded of Kevin in Motherland, a sexless wet lettuce of a man...

Same here.

Well, the higher your bar as in a man must earn this much to date you, the smaller the dating pool. It’s simple mathematics. They don’t call the top earners the 1% for no reason. If you’re limiting your dating pool to the 1%, well that’s not alot of men and guess, what the competition to get those men in the 1% will be that much fiercer.

But if you don’t care about money, and you’re looking for a loving man who is a real partner instead of a meal ticket, how much they earn isn’t going to be a big factor. So your chances of finding that sort of man if you’re not limiting yourself to 1% are much better.

I agree with your friend. I have a decent salary and I'm single, early 50s. When I'm dating, I look for a man my age and with a similar salary. I'm not going to subsidise anyone at this point in my life! Too many men my age are recently divorced and living in shared accommodation. I find that very offputting. How can you start a normal relationship at this age, when you don't have your own space?

Of all the things to think about when choosing a partner, the one thing that has never been a consideration was their earning potential. But then I'm not very materialistic.

I think many men feel uncomfortable if their DW earns more, partly because they think she will get resentful (and I think that does happen, as some of the OPs hint). Most (decent, not cocklodging) men don’t care whether women are low earners. Many if not most expect to cover most expenses in the family. This is an interesting study:

Grow, A., Van Bavel, J. The Gender Cliff in the Relative Contribution to the Household Income: Insights from Modelling Marriage Markets in 27 European Countries. Eur J Population 36, 711–733 (2020). doi.org/10.1007/s10680-019-09547-8

The gender cliff is at 50%.

Me too. I’ve seen too many women marry a high earner “for security” ….there was no compatibility or true friendship/love/affection. It’s a case of chasing money making you and another human miserable.

Didn't have a clue what DH did when we met, was never an issue either, I fell in love with him not his job, his salary or earning potential, and the same goes for him with me.
I'm not sharing who earns more, it doesn't matter. Whatever we do, we do it together. Money doesn't come in to it.

I do find this weird.

Anecdotally when I look around me the high earning men think nothing of 'subsidising' the lower earning partner. They accept it as a responsibility and are happy to provide for someone they care about. However high earning female friends do not want to date lower earning males and want to date someone equal or who earns more.

My social circle is filled with highly educated high earners married to highly educated high earners. just more anecdata though.

Word of warning to people saying that others are materialistic if they won’t consider financially unstable partners.

why should they??

I did exactly that with my ex-H. Ended up with a cock lodger because I felt it was ‘wrong’ to be judgemental just because he was skint.

what I failed to realise is that this person was highly educated, but only did hobby jobs. It actually said a lot about his character ( lazy, selfish, entitled, flaky, scared of hard work)

if he’d been grafting on a minimum wage job for 40 hours a week? Completely different scenario.