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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep my cleaner despite what DH says

82 replies

wakeysleepy · 23/01/2023 17:01

DH injured his knee early December and with 2 under 2 I was finding it impossible to keep on top of housework whilst his knee recovered. I'm on MAT leave so I try to get done what I can, but when I return to work it'll be even harder!

We agreed to have a cleaner once a week until he was able to walk again.

DH is saying now that his knee is better and he is returning to work after sick leave, that we no longer need the cleaner.

I disagree. She gets to the jobs that rarely get done (windows, blinds, skirting, kitchen cupboards etc) and any time I can muster to get on with those jobs, I would rather be doing something for myself.

DH works 5 days a week, sometimes 6 days depending on the rota. He usually spends every other Saturday playing football (although that may no longer be a possibility), so I would like to spend our Sundays together doing something as a family, not cleaning!

Obviously the every day things we get done and he's very hands on with housework and the kids, so I can't complain in that sense.

If DH is really insistent to no longer have a cleaner, I'd happily just pay for her myself but he won't be happy with that.

We aren't strapped for cash, but not exactly swimming in it either.

YABU - you should be able to keep on top of housework
YANBU - keep your cleaner

OP posts:
BotherThat · 23/01/2023 17:04

I’d get rid of my DH before I got rid of my cleaner, tbh 😆

Redglitter · 23/01/2023 17:04

Sod that. He doesn't get to call the shots. Tell him if the cleaner goes then he has to pick up the slack because youve got your hands full & need a break too. Personally I'd ignore him, you've just as much right to make decisions

Probablymagrat · 23/01/2023 17:05

If you can afford a cleaner and want one I don't see why you cant have one.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 23/01/2023 17:07

Keep the cleaner. Cheaper than couples therapy.

Original poster
wakeysleepy · 23/01/2023 17:09

BotherThat · 23/01/2023 17:04

I’d get rid of my DH before I got rid of my cleaner, tbh 😆

Hahaha when you put it like that

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 23/01/2023 17:10

Tell him you’ll get rid of the cleaner if he picks up what she’s doing.

So all the jobs she did, he will do. Bet he won’t want that

Original poster
wakeysleepy · 23/01/2023 17:10

Probablymagrat · 23/01/2023 17:05

If you can afford a cleaner and want one I don't see why you cant have one.

It's just about affordable I guess.

There's other things we could put the money towards, but my priority is a cleaner over the other stuff.

OP posts:
Snowpaw · 23/01/2023 17:11

Could compromise and have her come once a fortnight. I do that and its more affordable and I am happy knowing the house gets a good clean twice a month.

Though with 2 very small kids I think you are well entitled to have help once a week! It is a very valuable and useful thing to spend money on at this stage in life and it doesn't have to be forever.

Slowingdownagain · 23/01/2023 17:12

Unless your DH is offering to pick up the cleaning, keep the cleaner. It's easy to say to get rid of her when he is not the one who then has to do what she's no longer doing.

mathanxiety · 23/01/2023 17:15

YANBU

Your H needs to commit to at least 50 percent of the housework if he's not going to pay the cleaner. Clearly this is going to cut into his free time, or does he think a magic elf is going to do it all while he's out wrecking his knee again?

Does he value a clean house?
Does he value the company of a wife who has time and energy to be her best self?
Does he think housework is done by elves - some people sincerely hold this belief...

WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody · 23/01/2023 17:19

So while he was off recovering it was ok to have a cleaner, but now he's going back to work 5/6 days a week, it's not? When does he intend to spend extra time doing what she's been doing?

as long as the other things & less important than a clean house I'd be keeping her.

IF DH insists he'll pick up the slack ID STILL SAY 'no' as it'll cause arguments, & you likely won't be able to get your cleaner back & good ones are very hard to find.

when you're due to be going back to work is not the time to be sacking off your cleaner!

keep her, tell him it's cheaper than a divorce!!

Original poster
wakeysleepy · 23/01/2023 17:20

The thing is, if I asked him to deep clean some of the other stuff, he would use family time as opposed to his own free time to do it.

So he'd get it done (in double the time), but I'm still the one suffering because I'm entertaining two little kids whilst he gets on with cleaning 🙄

OP posts:
knobheadinlaws · 23/01/2023 17:20

Ask him how he feels about taking responsibility for the jobs she has been covering because you aren't able to. He might think twice.

JanusTheFirst · 23/01/2023 17:20

BotherThat · 23/01/2023 17:04

I’d get rid of my DH before I got rid of my cleaner, tbh 😆

yup

Original poster
wakeysleepy · 23/01/2023 17:27

@mathanxiety

'Does he value a clean house?'

Can you believe he said to me that he was just going to 'accept' that the house was going to be a mess for a while after DD2 was born 😭😭😭😭 yes there are times when the laundry or dishes fall behind, but no one can live like that permanently!

@WhoNeedsSleepNotISaidMyBody yeah the other things are like clothes for myself and the girls, extra treats when we go shopping, lunches/dinners out. I'm happy to limit those and keep my cleaner.

OP posts:
Original poster
wakeysleepy · 23/01/2023 17:32

@Snowpaw what does yours do when she comes and how long for?

Mine comes for 2.5-3 hours a week and alternates upstairs and downstairs. Bathroom/kitchen, hoovering, dusting, mopping on whichever floor she's doing that day!

Today though I asked her to do my patio window and blinds and they were so filthy it took her 1.5 hours Blush

OP posts:
TiddleyWink · 23/01/2023 17:56

Ugh another Saturday footballer. How do these men think that’s conducive to family life with small kids?!

I’d tell him you will cancel the cleaner if he agrees to give up the weekend football then you can spend Saturdays doing chores equally and family time on Sunday.

If he’s not up for that then you ask him to explain why he feels he deserves a full day of leisure time while you stay home with the kids cleaning because he’s refused to pay for the cleaned.

MarshaMelrose · 23/01/2023 17:58

My cleaner. 💝 My DH. 🤔

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 18:01

If DH is really insistent to no longer have a cleaner, I'd happily just pay for her myself but he won't be happy with that.

He sounds like a knob - why does he think he gets to dictate how you spend your own money? Not that you should be backed into a position of funding the entire cost yourself, but you can't force him to stump up his share ...

I can't fathom why he doesn't want a cleaner, but how many hours a week is he offering to spend doing his own cleaning, of you agree to sack off the cleaner?
Let me guess ... none?
Because he's too busy working long hours then taking every other saturday to himself?

JacksPottedPepper · 23/01/2023 18:08

Keep the cleaner. Who made him king of all? The cleaner makes your life easier and you are technically buying family time plus your house gets cleaned. Bonus.

Nevermind31 · 23/01/2023 18:11

When my DH didn’t want a cleaner I got one every fortnight to do my share of the cleaning, and the weeks in between were DH’s responsibility. Since he never did one thing we got the cleaner every week…
now that he can walk he can clean…

GiltEdges · 23/01/2023 18:15

mathanxiety · 23/01/2023 17:15

YANBU

Your H needs to commit to at least 50 percent of the housework if he's not going to pay the cleaner. Clearly this is going to cut into his free time, or does he think a magic elf is going to do it all while he's out wrecking his knee again?

Does he value a clean house?
Does he value the company of a wife who has time and energy to be her best self?
Does he think housework is done by elves - some people sincerely hold this belief...

Why should he do 50% of the housework when he works full time and OP is on mat leave?

Also OP, you say it’s just about affordable but at the sacrifice of other things. Are those other things important to your DH? Because he should have equal say over how household income is spent.

May09Bump · 23/01/2023 18:19

I'd say sorry DH, no football as you need to watch the kids whilst I clean the window's, etc. Grab yourself a coffee, put on some music in another room and slowly, leisurely clean - maybe call some friends. See how fast he revises his decision.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 18:22

GiltEdges · 23/01/2023 18:15

Why should he do 50% of the housework when he works full time and OP is on mat leave?

Also OP, you say it’s just about affordable but at the sacrifice of other things. Are those other things important to your DH? Because he should have equal say over how household income is spent.

Show quote history

Because Mat leave is about bonding with & raising your baby.

That's why it's not called Cleaning Leave.

Fuwari · 23/01/2023 18:25

I think if you're having to sacrifice other things, are clean skirting boards more important? I do feel there's a level of "clean" expected now from 2 working parents that just isn't possible without a cleaner. It's become a bit of a trap. Personally I might be looking at a compromise, say she comes fortnightly instead of weekly? It'll still be extra help but half the cost. If you could afford it no problems then ok but it does sound like a fair few things would need to be sacrificed.

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