To keep my cleaner despite what DH says

[wakeysleepy]

DH injured his knee early December and with 2 under 2 I was finding it impossible to keep on top of housework whilst his knee recovered. I'm on MAT leave so I try to get done what I can, but when I return to work it'll be even harder!

We agreed to have a cleaner once a week until he was able to walk again.

DH is saying now that his knee is better and he is returning to work after sick leave, that we no longer need the cleaner.

I disagree. She gets to the jobs that rarely get done (windows, blinds, skirting, kitchen cupboards etc) and any time I can muster to get on with those jobs, I would rather be doing something for myself.

DH works 5 days a week, sometimes 6 days depending on the rota. He usually spends every other Saturday playing football (although that may no longer be a possibility), so I would like to spend our Sundays together doing something as a family, not cleaning!

Obviously the every day things we get done and he's very hands on with housework and the kids, so I can't complain in that sense.

If DH is really insistent to no longer have a cleaner, I'd happily just pay for her myself but he won't be happy with that.

We aren't strapped for cash, but not exactly swimming in it either.

YABU - you should be able to keep on top of housework
YANBU - keep your cleaner

Yeah I definitely think that's a good middle ground.

No, all men aren't like that.

And justifying it because "all his friends do it" is nonsense. Do you blindly follow what all YOUR friends do, or do you make your own decisions, based on what your family needs?

It could be - but NEVER open with a compromise!

All that will happen is that you end up being the only one to give ground.

A compromise COULD be - "If you commit to only one football session a month instead of 2, & actually spend that time doing your share of the chores, I am prepared to compromise & only have the cleaner once a fortnight instead of weekly."

That way - whichever option he chooses - you are winning in one way or another.

I'd give up just about every conceivable luxury in our lives before I gave up the cleaner.

As you've identified- it gives you time back with your family. I'd much rather spend my precious time away from work doing nice things with my children while they are little, than arguing with DH over whose turn it is to scrub the shower.

I think yabu. Write up what the cleaner does and split the list 5050. If he doesnt do it then you keep the cleaner.

If you each do your half on a Saturday or Sunday then you each get quality time with the kids. Or you do it all one morning at the weekend and he does it the next. Use the saved money for soft play with the kids or cinema. Make sure when you clean the bathroom you make time to hide with some Netflix.

If he literally cannot hold a baby to give you an actual rest on a Saturday afternoon (not cleaning) because you want some personal space then sorry but you have a wrongun.

I wont even start on the finance split where you have to save up and pay your share.

You could compromise and agree once a fortnight or every week but 2 hours instead of 3.

How much does his football cost compared to the cleaner each week? I bet it is a lot more for his football that he has not considered forgoing to save money!

I agree, men are more easily come by than good cleaners.

I think I've made DH sound like a real prick when he isn't that bad. He is very hands on with housework and kids, but my issue is that I want our family time and 'me' time back.

I didn't realise how filthy my house was until I had a cleaner to do everything properly. I mentioned in a previous post that it took her 1.5 hours to do my patio blinds, because they were actually disgusting. I can't get to things like that with 2 under 2 whilst hubby is at work, and even if one of us does it (and other similar jobs) on weekends, it eats into any family time or breaks for myself.

DH is being selfish irt his Saturday football and I will try to compromise with him about it and the cleaner. Thank you @KettrickenSmiled for putting it so eloquently!

We went for a lovely brunch today which was very expensive for what it was (£30 for a shakshuka, an english veggie breakfast and two teas!) and it was a reminder of what we could do more of if we didn't have a cleaner every week.

Also yes I saved in the interim of returning to work after first MAT leave and taking my 2nd MAT leave which was only 9 months and this was my choice! I'm a teacher so I can't accrue annual leave, so the only way I could get paid time off after SMP was to literally save money. DH would have made up the short fall but it would have meant we lose out elsewhere.

Ok so while you were saving up for your half of the bills during mat leave did your DH have the same disposable income to spend on himself as you had left after saving? Or did he carry on as usual with his spending on hobbies etc while you scrimped and saved? Sorry if I was blunt but I’m shocked and depressed at the number of women who are expected to do this. Hearing a woman say she saved for her half of bills so she could take time off to birth a man’s baby makes me want to weep 🙁

The problem is that whether HE cleans, or YOU clean, YOU still have reduced time as a result of the cleaning - whether that' because you are cleaning or because you are looking after the DC while HE cleans. And, if I'm remembering an earlier post correctly, if HE cleans, it takes longer too.

DH didn't want to get a cleaner. He was going to do the cleaning. But it was exactly as you said - IF he cleaned, it didn't actually help ME because while he was cleaning I was doing other things. And it took him so bloody long I was on verge of screaming every time. He once spent 3 hours vacuuming and STILL left cobwebs around all the doorframes and windows. We nearly got divorced.

Don't cancel the cleaner. If he wants to clean during his lunch hour or get up an hour earlier, great. But otherwise, you are NOT benefiting even if he steps up.

In my opinion a cleaner is a very high priority.

How much does his football hobby cost?

Someone understands! @GerbilsForever24

Definitely keeping the cleaner. I think fortnightly will work.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing right? It's been so nice not having to worry about the never ending list of things that need doing! I'm so much more present with my kids.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz honestly I have no idea. It's not as expensive as a cleaner. All I know is that he paid £25 for the team football kit. I don't know if there's like a monthly membership he has to pay to be part of the team.

You saving up for your mat leave is really quite sad-making. It's not just your child and I presume you didn't get yourself pregnant - so you should both have been saving. I'm not saying that this is the RIGHT way to do it (there is no right way) but DH and I have set our finances up that we both end up with the same amount of disposable income once all of our commitments come out of the joint pot. It means that we have our own personal spends that we don't have to justify to each other; and also that I wasn't scraping by on 30p a day while DH lived the life of Riley when I was on mat leave.

Him doing football on a Saturday morning isn't the worst thing in the world IMO, as long as you get equal down time. We used to work it so that we had one mid week evening and one weekend day morning each to do what we wanted with. I used to use mine for seeing friends in the midweek and sleeping in at the weekend; DH played football with both of his (and if he wanted to go out in the evening would swap his Wednesday football game for a 'drinks pass' instead). It really helped manage the resentment that comes with being left with small children all the time.

Finally, keep the cleaner. If you must, split the list 50/50, pay someone to do your half and make it clear to your DH that you expect him to do his half in his own time - not family time 😁

I'd keep her and I'd keep her weekly, not fortnightly.

You'd be mad to let her go and then realise you need a cleaner again and then find that she's fully booked. There are so many threads on here with people complaining that the cleaner does a poor job/doesn't work the hours paid etc etc. She sounds like she's fantastic so I'd keep her on weekly. You're presumably more attractive as a weekly client as it's more income for her.

Funny how you are so unquestioning of his personal spends, while he feels entitled to put the kaibosh on your household spends.

Not funny ha ha though.

I have to admit that I had missed the comments around how you seem to be responsible for saving for mat leave alone and he was spending money on football. Agree with others, that's not okay. And it makes my recommendations to keep the cleaner even stronger.

It's a classic example of where he's quite willing to do stuff but as long as it doesn't effect him. So he'll clean more, but he's not giving up anything to do that except, possibly, wrangle small children. Maybe if he chooses to clean during the time he'd normally be playing football, it would work out better for you.

"he would very reluctantly if I insisted"

Marvellous, that sound like a yes to me.

100% this.
Keep the cleaner. She's worth her weight in gold for the quality of life she brings to you.

He insists he can do the jobs OP. Ask him when, as he works full time, plays football and has family time to commit to. He'd have to be willing to give up his football and hobbies because you don't want to give up family time

That you repeatedly call the cleaner my cleaner and not our cleaner suggests your OH doesn't pull his weight quite as much as you protest that he does. My cleaner is covering what you see as your jobs, our cleaner is covering joint household jobs.

How much is a cleaner to do all that once a week? Asking for a friend

I have seen it mentioned in other threads and think it's a fair point (though off topic):
Say your share of the bills is £1000 per month and DH's is £1000 per month.
And you have saved £9,000 over a few/many months to continue to be able to contribute your share while on maternity leave. Well, DH should have saved £4,500 and you should have saved £4,500 because they're his kids too! Yes, I understand that he pays for X and if your contribution is missing/reduced you can't as a family have Y. But the saving shouldn't be you personally putting aside money, but rather you plural.

Regards your actual question, keep the cleaner. Your mental health, family time and marriage is worth the forty quid a week

We went for a lovely brunch today which was very expensive for what it was (£30 for a shakshuka, an english veggie breakfast and two teas!) and it was a reminder of what we could do more of if we didn't have a cleaner every week.

But why would you swap the feeling the cleaner gives you of time & headspace, being present with your DC, for overpriced eggs?

@turquoisegem mine is very reasonable. £10 an hour.

@PolarBlair I understand your point and im not going to go into it, but all in all, DH contributes significantly more than I do financially, including savings. What we're doing atm works out better for me financially. Im still left with more to spend than if we were to pool all our finances together and split everything equally after household spending is taken out.

@NoSquirrels you are right. It was nice to go out but not nice enough to give up clear headspace!