To keep my cleaner despite what DH says

[wakeysleepy]

DH injured his knee early December and with 2 under 2 I was finding it impossible to keep on top of housework whilst his knee recovered. I'm on MAT leave so I try to get done what I can, but when I return to work it'll be even harder!

We agreed to have a cleaner once a week until he was able to walk again.

DH is saying now that his knee is better and he is returning to work after sick leave, that we no longer need the cleaner.

I disagree. She gets to the jobs that rarely get done (windows, blinds, skirting, kitchen cupboards etc) and any time I can muster to get on with those jobs, I would rather be doing something for myself.

DH works 5 days a week, sometimes 6 days depending on the rota. He usually spends every other Saturday playing football (although that may no longer be a possibility), so I would like to spend our Sundays together doing something as a family, not cleaning!

Obviously the every day things we get done and he's very hands on with housework and the kids, so I can't complain in that sense.

If DH is really insistent to no longer have a cleaner, I'd happily just pay for her myself but he won't be happy with that.

We aren't strapped for cash, but not exactly swimming in it either.

YABU - you should be able to keep on top of housework
YANBU - keep your cleaner

And yet there is unarguably more downtime than her DH gets in his job.

How can you possibly know that unless you know what his job is, and what her kids needs are?

Maybe when DH has pushed a pumpkin out of his arse he can have some downtime too.

Oh hold on! - he already has every other saturday to himself.

And OP also says he’s very hands on with the DC when not injured and happily does his share of households tasks.

There’s no right or wrong about this sort of decision. You have to come to an agreement, aka a compromise.

Unlike his fortnightly Saturday football sessions 😱. How the fuck is he getting away with that, when he’s got two kids under 2????

Do what my friend did when DH said she needed to stop having a weekly cleaner. She stopped the cleaner from doing 2 hours weekly and switched to 4 hours per fortnight! It was years before the husband worked it out.

I don't see it as a competition about who has more downtime.

Even having just one kid on MAT leave, it isn't necessarily more downtime than someone who is working especially if you have a high needs baby who only likes contact napping or being held even when they're awake!

DH doesn't want me to pay because like most of you said it's a household cost so it should come out of our household budget, but he would very reluctantly if I insisted.

However, if he doesn't want a cleaner I'm happy to pay myself.

Maybe fortnightly is a good compromise as some people have already mentioned but that means my bathroom only gets a deep clean once a month as my cleaner alternates upstairs and downstairs. Is that enough? I'm quite good at keeping up with the kitchen.

Tell him that's fine, the cleaner will go and he'll take on the jobs they do. If he can't keep on top of it, he can rehire them.

Why not have her do your bathroom every week, and alternate the rest?

Oh no - your OH will need to do the deep clean in those weeks that the cleaner isn’t. Why are you the only one cleaning, especially with a high needs baby?

@Motelschmotel that's a good idea actually!

@Nevermind31 I think it just happens that if one of us is cleaning, the other is looking after baby. After having a whole week of looking after DD2, I'd rather clean!

This x1000000000000

I do think this "family time" for a whole day or sometimes it seems to be two days every weekend is a bit of an urban myth.
If any couple have two under two and at lease one of the people is WOTH FT, then it is just fact that "stuff" has to be done at weekends and evenings. Surely most people do a whole mix and match of one getting X done whilst the other parent is watching the dc for a bit and then there might be an hour when both are asleep, or one of you is able to get some things done whilst watching one of them for a bit, and then you do all spend a bit of time in the same room and so on. I can't think of anyone that I am aware of who needs a whole day every week of time where neither parents was doing "stuff" for the family or for the house / garden / car.

That said, (without knowing the ins and outs of your finances) I do now have a cleaner and absolutely LOVE it and feel it is money very well spent. However, it isn't something we could have thought about when I was on maternity leave and there was only one income coming in to the house.

If you do go for once a fortnight, then rearrange what is being done - make sure kitchen, bathroom(s), and toilet are done and relax a bit about things like skirting boards. I've been a home owner 30+ years and have never cleaned skirting boards more than once a year if that .

@wakeysleepy She does the bathroom and kitchen, all floors (hoovered or mopped), puts fresh bedding on the beds, cleans / dusts the dining room / window sills etc and empties the bins. Cleans the mirrors and TV screen. Will clean the inside of the fridge or microwave if I specially ask her. Our house is not huge though and a bungalow so quite easy to clean and it takes her approx 2 hrs.

In between her visits I really only do the bare minimum - I wipe up mess, do dishes and laundry of course and a bit of hoovering in living room but I don't stress about doing much more than that because I really just don't like spending my time cleaning (nor does my DH, and we agree on this) and every two weeks is just about enough to keep on top of things I find.

We don't have a cleaner. On one hand I would love to have one but I'm not quite willing to sacrifice other things for it. Our house is leas clean than it would presumably be if we had a cleaner. Skirting boards, mirrors, cupboards are not cleaned very often! But we can use that money for other things. £30 a week is more than £1500 over the year, which for us is a holiday or several clubs for DC a week. There is a choice to be made, and maybe compromises to be had e.g. fortnightly. However now you have had a taste of a cleaner, I imagine it is hard to give up!

@UsingChangeofName I'm asking for one day a week!

Even if it isn't family time I need a break.

DD2 cosleeps so she comes up to bed with us which means I don't even have evenings to myself. It's just non stop weekday evenings. Cooking, then washing up, then putting DD1 to bed. DH does this tbf.

Since weekdays are so hectic, I just need that down time on weekends. If one of us is lumbered doing housework, the other one doesn't get a break for kids.

It was only due to DH knee injury that I HAD to get a cleaner otherwise literally nothing have got done. And as some PP have said, now I've had the novelty I don't want to let go.

I've saved up for my end of the household outgoings so even when my pay reduces and I'm on SMP alone, it is still possible for us to have a cleaner, albeit tight.

I defs think fortnightly is a good compromise. DH used to do the bathroom before knee injury anyway so he can maintain it once a month and cleaner can do a deep clean once a month.

Thank you all for your suggestions!

I’d make many many sacrifices and cut backs before my cleaner even was on the radar of things on the chopping block. I love her. We all love her. She’s magic. She was poorly recently and we sent her flowers and a box of chocolates and she sent a lovely message with a little crying face saying she was sorry she hadn’t been able to come. She makes our lives run that bit smoother and enables us to spend weekends with family/friends having fun and not scrubbing windowsills and hoovering behind the sofas.
keep the cleaner, give the dhs head a wobble and tell him that life is just better for everyone when you can have a bit of help.

@GiltEdges

He should do 50% of the housework because he's an adult who lives in a house with a partner. Working outside the home wouldn't be a get out of housework card if he were living alone.

As pointed out, mat leave isn't skivvying leave. It's the time when women recover from the rigours of pregnancy and childbirth, and it's generally recognised that the majority of women are functioning on less than optimal sleep while they are off work. It's a physically and mentally draining time.

The OP will be returning to work, and the H here can pull his weight around the house. Or pay half for the cleaner so that his wife isn't stuck doing the cleaning.

Only a deeply selfish man would decide his own downtime was ring fenced, something that mattered a lot to his wife wasn't important enough to contribjte to either phgsically or financially, and if she wanted a clean house then she could clean it herself or pay out of her own income to get it done.

I've saved up for my end of the household outgoings so even when my pay reduces and I'm on SMP alone, it is still possible for us to have a cleaner, albeit tight.

Um, what did I just read…? You’ve SAVED UP, individually, for the privilege of bearing his children and taking the associated career and financial hit? Lest the poor lamb has to experience any impact whatsoever of, you know, having two babies?! YOU have SAVED UP?! Bloody hell.

Yeah I don't see what's wrong with that. I simply saved for the months I would only be getting SMP (or nothing after 9 months) so that I could still contribute my usual share.

It means I can take a longer MAT leave without it making a huge dent in current finances.

DH pays for the majority of expenses anyway including things that don't go out of our joint account. Holidays, our kitchen renovation, recently bought furniture and nursery fees for DD1. If I didn't continue to contribute, our playroom wouldn't have been completed, for example, as DH would be paying my share rather than spending it on the house.

My issue wasn't with our split of finances. It was with the fact that if DH picked up the slack from the cleaner, it would eat into time we could spend doing things with the kids or having me-time. DH doesn't want to keep the cleaner though, because we'd save £35 a week.

DH doesn't want to keep the cleaner though, because we'd save £35 a week.

& maybe you don't want to keep his fortnightly football day, because you;d save £X plus 2 days of family time a month?

My point being - why does he reckon his wishes take precedence?

Great response

Keep her! Cleaners are a god send! My lady is fab and does the jobs I never have time to. Such a stress reliever and worth the £££

Tell your husband that while you appreciate that he thinks having a cleaner is frivolous, that you feel like its been a revelation and a real gamechanger for you, and that youd rather cut back in other ways and absolutely want to keep the cleaner, but would consider a compromise of fortnightly instead of weekly maybe?

@KettrickenSmiled that's a good point.

Are all men like this?

The only reason I can fathom why he prioritises football so much is because his friends have continued to go even after they had kids.