Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeping back money

66 replies

cloudxo · 23/01/2023 13:51

Hi guys I just want your opinion on something.
I do a lot of freelance work and I make money often from it but the problem is I have a partner that cannot stop spending, every time we get a sum of money he has a list of things he want for himself, from £200 pair or shoes, moterbike, PlayStation 5, it never ends and it always leaves me with nothing living pay check to pay check, now Ive this past week started to not hide but put my money in making a side and not mention to my partner as I have my second child on the way and im saving for bits but I can't help but feel guilt.. I've been with this man for 6 years and we have had conversations about this in past and it always ends in him calling me tight or stingy with money making me out to be wrong, he even makes sure his family knows that im "tight with cash" etc😑 Its like his eyes light up every time he sees money and im quite the opposite I like to live comfortably but slowly it drives me nuts.

Opinions very welcome

OP posts:
FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 23/01/2023 13:53

Does he earn his own money?

Original poster
cloudxo · 23/01/2023 13:54

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 23/01/2023 13:53

Does he earn his own money?

Nope not currently he's in between jobs quite often.

OP posts:
Slowingdownagain · 23/01/2023 13:56

WHy are you letting him take your money? Honestly, I don't get this at all. What does he contribute if no wage? Is he a SAHP?

Anyway, just say no. You don't owe him a play station, new trainers, etc especially when it is compromising your financial security. There is just no way I would put up with this.

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 23/01/2023 13:57

This feels like one of those initially innocent sounds posts where it layers turns out there are serious relationship issues.

Ask a few people how much they would need to be earning before they spend £200 on shoes. I suspect the answers would be higher than "zero".

Original poster
cloudxo · 23/01/2023 13:58

Slowingdownagain · 23/01/2023 13:56

WHy are you letting him take your money? Honestly, I don't get this at all. What does he contribute if no wage? Is he a SAHP?

Anyway, just say no. You don't owe him a play station, new trainers, etc especially when it is compromising your financial security. There is just no way I would put up with this.

We've been together so long we are just too comfortable with our cash.. it's different to pull back from something we've always done, he looks at things like we are a family and we have kids so we share everything we have.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 23/01/2023 14:02

Well if he wants a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget he needs to not be "between jobs" so often doesn't he?

Why isn't he working?

Slowingdownagain · 23/01/2023 14:03

cloudxo · 23/01/2023 13:58

We've been together so long we are just too comfortable with our cash.. it's different to pull back from something we've always done, he looks at things like we are a family and we have kids so we share everything we have.

Show quote history

Well, he shares everything you have. Not really the other way around.

This set up only works well, imo, if there are equal contributions. They don't have to be monetary though - so does he do the bulk of the hosuework and childcare?

Heyahun · 23/01/2023 14:14

Wtf have I just read !!

tothelefttotheleft · 23/01/2023 14:23

Together so king? 6 years?!

Slowingdownagain · 23/01/2023 14:24

Honestly Op unless there is more to this, you are his cash cow to the detriment to your (and your children's) financial security.

IWineAndDontDine · 23/01/2023 14:29

tothelefttotheleft · 23/01/2023 14:23

Together so king? 6 years?!

6 years is a fair amount of time in one's life

Applesandcarrots · 23/01/2023 14:30

Is he SAHP then? Or just can't be arsed to work?

Aprilx · 23/01/2023 14:30

cloudxo · 23/01/2023 13:58

We've been together so long we are just too comfortable with our cash.. it's different to pull back from something we've always done, he looks at things like we are a family and we have kids so we share everything we have.

Show quote history

You haven’t been together that long and I don’t think it is a justification for this anyway.

Why are you having a second baby with this man? I honestly despair sometimes.

You need to stop allowing this man access to your money to spend on frivolous things. To pick up on a point made by previous poster, I would have thought twice about spending £200 on a pair of shoes when I was on a six figure salary and when DH was as well.

Aprilx · 23/01/2023 14:33

IWineAndDontDine · 23/01/2023 14:29

6 years is a fair amount of time in one's life

Show quote history

It is a fair amount of time but I wouldn’t use the expression “together so long” to describe it.

eggsandbaconeveryday · 23/01/2023 14:33

This man has no right to spend your money, especially when he is bringing nothing to the table ! I wouldn't let him know what you earn or when. He also needs to get a job so that he can contribute to the household bills and not sponge off you .

FictionalCharacter · 23/01/2023 14:35

He spends your money on toys for himself? Of course he’s comfortable seeing your earnings as “family money”, because he alone benefits. Big shakeup needed unless you’re ok with this being your future.

Firstmonthfree · 23/01/2023 14:36

You aren’t comfortable with your cash though are you? You feel the need to lie because he is happy to spend your money.

i hope he brings something to this relationship, because he sounds like a cocklodger

FrownedUpon · 23/01/2023 14:37

He has no right to be spending your money like this. He’s taking the P. Tell him if he wants £200 shoes, he needs to get a job.

Applesandcarrots · 23/01/2023 14:37

Actually my question doesn't matter. From the language you are done, like "i have my second child on a way" not "we".
I do often think women come here to just look for the approval to tell the partner to leave, that's fine.
If he is just extra hinderance, he is of no partner benefit to you

AffIt · 23/01/2023 14:38

Ah yes, 'partner', 'between jobs', 'calling me tight': it's basically MN cocklodger bingo.

No, OP, you are not being unreasonable in the slightest: joint money is only joint money when it's mutually earned and / or beneficial.

My OH and I have a joint income of around £250k (we are fairly well-matched high earners) and don't have children, but any high-end purchases (effectively anything over £200) is subject to discussion and by mutual consent.

We have a joint account that pays for bills / food / joint holidays, a joint savings account (currently being used to save for a new house deposit) and individual current and savings accounts for individual DDs and personal treats.

If I wanted a pair of £200 shoes, it would be up to me to save for them from my treat money, if I was unable to buy them outright.

I buy my own shoes. I suggest you tell your 'D'P to do the same thing.

purpleboy · 23/01/2023 14:39

What are you doing? He spends your money? He doesn't work?
Fuck that, he's making a mug out of you.
Save all your money in a separate account and don't feel guilty for one second.

Slowingdownagain · 23/01/2023 14:39

Still waiting for OP to explain what he contributes to the relationship. Other than his list of demands....

Suzi9989 · 23/01/2023 14:40

You can not afford to pay for him forever. If I were you, I would set up another account as you sound sensible but just don't have the confidence and tools to be in charge of your money

IWineAndDontDine · 23/01/2023 14:42

Aprilx · 23/01/2023 14:33

It is a fair amount of time but I wouldn’t use the expression “together so long” to describe it.

Show quote history

It's subjective I guess

PeekAtYou · 23/01/2023 14:42

What's your plan for funding maternity leave?