Keeping back money

[cloudxo]

Hi guys I just want your opinion on something.
I do a lot of freelance work and I make money often from it but the problem is I have a partner that cannot stop spending, every time we get a sum of money he has a list of things he want for himself, from £200 pair or shoes, moterbike, PlayStation 5, it never ends and it always leaves me with nothing living pay check to pay check, now Ive this past week started to not hide but put my money in making a side and not mention to my partner as I have my second child on the way and im saving for bits but I can't help but feel guilt.. I've been with this man for 6 years and we have had conversations about this in past and it always ends in him calling me tight or stingy with money making me out to be wrong, he even makes sure his family knows that im "tight with cash" etc😑 Its like his eyes light up every time he sees money and im quite the opposite I like to live comfortably but slowly it drives me nuts.

Opinions very welcome

How are you not more angry about this?

He's knocked you up again, but won't even work to support the household?

Stop telling him anything about the money YOU earn.
When he bleats to his family about how "tight" you are, give them the unvarnished facts - he is sponging off the mother of his DC, & spends your money on expensive luxuries for himself.

What a loser. You put down the drain 6 years with him. End this now, so you won't waste any more of your time.

OP your partner should be looking for any work he can get, more than one job if necessary, to contribute to the family pot. He's not a child- he has responsibilities to you and the two children he's helped to conceive.

I'm afraid you also need to be stricter in protecting your funds from what another PP from someone who sees you as "a cash cow" and stand up for yourself when he moans to his family that you are being stingy.

Open another account which is just in your name and to which he has no access and divert incoming funds from your work into that do you can pay your bills, save for when you're unable to work and, perhaps, have a nest egg for when/if you decide you want better than to see your hard earned salary disappear into unnecessary luxury for someone who's careless with money and is unable to keep a job. Ensure he doesn't have the passwords to it.

Also you say: "I do a lot of freelance work"

are you putting away enough to pay your taxes to HMRC?

Good luck OP. 🌹

He's BU if he's not working (maybe that can't be helped) but expects to buy shoes costing £200, playstation - I might forgive the motorbike if it gave him more flexibility to get to a job.

We've always put all our money in the pot and even when I was a SAHM had exactly the same amount each month to spend. Perhaps, that what you should do and if he wants more, he can earn it.

Don't blame you one bit putting sum away so you know you've got enough for the next few months - it's a case of looking after your family.

We've been together so long we are just too comfortable with our cash..
WE are NOT comfortable - you are worried & pissed off enough to post here.
And what do you mean - OUR cash? He's not earning cash. You are. He's just spending it.

it's different to pull back from something we've always done,
It's simple.
Stop putting money into his hands. He can't run through your (& your children's!) money if he can;t get his paws on it.
How has it come about that you are enabling him like this? Just cut off the bloody spendthrift's supply, He can go & earn his own.

he looks at things like we are a family and we have kids so we share everything we have.
Does he indeed.
I look at things like he;s a cocklodger who reckons he's on Easy Street now he's had kids with you.
What exactly do you believe he is sharing with you?

In what way is this a partnership, OP? I don't think he has the right to be called your partner. He's your burden, by the sounds of it.

This.

He needs to understand that all the things quoted are luxuries that people who have a high income and lower outgoings can then save up for, or choose to buy out of 'spare cash' each month.
You need to draw up a budget together.
I don't know if he is unable to work or unwilling to work or if he is a SAHP - obviously one of those makes me think very differently from the other two.

However, you both need to have a clear idea of

• what money is coming in,
• what your fixed or unavoidable costs are as a family,
• what you are keeping money aside for (emergency fund for if the fridge or the boiler breaks etc),
• how much you need put by for the 'lean months' if you aren't on a regular salary
• what you are saving for (maternity leave springs to mind), and then
• how you are using any money you might have left after that, and ensuring you all get a small amount to use or save as you will (if your budget runs to that).

We are getting towards the ends of our working lives and are now fairly secure financially, but neither of us would dream of spending £200 on a pair of shoes. Nor would we think of spending on any big ticket item out of the joint pot without consulting the other.

OP, I earn six figures and I wouldn't spend 200 on shoes without discussion with DH. In fact I just told DS if he wanted expensive trainers he needed to save up for them! Certainly no way if it would mean we didn't have enough for basics.

Your DP is completely out of order but agree with others if you're needing to hide money, you're really better getting out of the relationship.

Have there been times when he has earned more than you? If so it's fine that you each share your money but not if he has form for not working.

Either way though if he is not working he should not he expecting to spend money on gaming or clothes tbh.

Just say no sorry I spent it! You'll have to wait 'til you have a job!

I presume he hasn’t changed and he has other incredible qualities that compensate for his lack of a job, grabby entitlement and verbal abuse and criticism.

Sorry @cloudxo I'm with everyone else on this one.

Hi OP. This is pretty much the exact situation of a couple I know. The woman works and has done so all her life. Her partner worked for a little bit and then quit, and basically never got another job again. Early on he sometimes did little cash in hand jobs but nothing steady.

She pays all the bills, mortgage, everything for the kids. They've claimed UC as a couple and it goes to his bank account. She has absolutely zero spare cash while he goes and spends money on clothes, trainers, drink. If she refuses to give him more he tells her she's financially abusive. He pressures her into taking out bank loans etc, which essentially means him getting the money and her paying it off.

It's been nearly 30 years and she is absolutely downtrodden, believes there is nowhere to go, and that she has no options as she has no savings and the house is in both names. Oh and she 'loves him'.

Just a warning, really.

@cloudxo
Don't marry him, you will end up paying him as he will say he is a SAHP if you divorce.

If I was you I would run as fast as you can.

You know this is wrong as you are keeping money hidden from him, you know he is taking the piss.

He is acting like a petulant child and is only getting worse.

Does he even help with the children or around the house or is he too busy playing games and buying shoes.

Why is everyone just assuming that he does nothing to contribute? Maybe he's a SAHP. That is a contribution.
My DH works full time, I do 30 hours to fit around school because it works put financially better for us. So he brings home more but we each have the same amount of "play" money after bills are paid.
I drive my DH a bit nuts because I tend to spend mine most of the time and he usually saves his. He thinks I'm frivolous but we don't really argue about it because it IS meant to be play money. He just sort of tuts and moans u dee his breath but I ignore it!
Might this be a similar situation? Basically I think there isn't enough info in OP to make a judgment

@Pleasepleasepleaseno maybe it's a bad assumption, but I assumed that if that were the case, the OP would have said "no he doesn't work, he's a stay at home dad" rather than "no he doesn't work, he's in between jobs a lot."

I think he's more of lazy arse who can't keep a job. She said he's in between jobs constantly.

@Pleasepleasepleaseno im prepared to bet he doesn’t contribute much, if anything at all, financially or otherwise. Just a feeling I’ve got.

You have been conditioned and manipulated

Keep your money back, he doesn’t need more toys. For some people there will never be enough. ‘Why do millionaires have ten Lamborghinis? Because nine wasn’t enough.
If you have more money than you need to live on, start an ISA and grow yourself a buffer.

I suspect he's too busy gaming to be a SAHP but even if he is, he's taking the absolute piss.

he has a list of things he want for himself, from £200 pair or shoes, moterbike, PlayStation 5, it never ends and it always leaves me with nothing living pay check to pay check

My betting is that his grabby, selfish attitude to OP's money is played out domestically as well, & OP ends up doing all the mental load, child-wrangling & housekeeping.

You need to figure out all outgoings (including for your child and a "studyfund"), tell him he pays half, any extra money he makes he can spend as he pleases. No job, no fun money. If he's out of a job then he needs to pay you back his half as soon as he has a job. There is no reason he can't get a job by tomorrow, they're hiring bloody everywhere. He might not like the job but he's an adult who needs to contribute so tough. If he doesn't like this, then go it alone. At least you'll be having a financially stabler future for your children without him.

Perhaps because people have asked what he does contribute and there's been no response?

and even as a SAHP why should he have a list of expensive treats for himself if that leaves the family living pay cheque to pay cheque?

You’re an idiot. Who gives a shit if he wants those things. If he wants them he buys them out his HIS spare cash once he has paid 50% of his bills.

as I have my second child on the way and im saving for bits but I can't help but feel guilt

That sentence tells us everything we need to know. You don't even consider the child as "our child" - you've said "my second child". That suggests to me that he does fuck all, never mind not contributing financially, to the extent that you say "my" child.

What exactly is he contributing? Does he do the greatest proportion of the house work and child care because he is "between jobs" and you are working?

I suspect he's just a common-or-garden cocklodger though.

YADNBU. However we need OP to provide more details on DPs role within the household and his income. Is he a SAHP? Has he ever worked? Does he look after DCs while you work?