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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL giving toddler a dummy...again

37 replies

CatLoaf · 23/01/2023 13:50

I started a thread about this recently:
Here's the link, MIL gave DD a dummy after we got rid of them
Following the discussion between her and I after drop off, she got annoyed and told DH we hadn't communicated clearly with her. He apologised, then explained the situation properly (I was pissed off at him for not being clear! Although he says he described it all, just didn't expressly say, 'Please, no dummies at your house because it will be extremely confusing.')

Now she's saying she won't be able to look after DD without having the option of giving her a dummy- she can't bear to hear her cry. To note, DD is now going to sleep well without it at night, and sleeping through. Naps are dropping... she's 3 soon. I cannot have MIL doing this - we're supposed to be having a talk with her tomorrow, before she takes DD. Feel a bit all over the place tbh, as I don't want to wreck relationships, and starting to think is this a big deal after all? Am I creating a drama over dummies?? (I do not micromanage, she can let her have chocolate, watch telly, whatever... It's not like that.)
I hate this!

OP posts:
JacksPottedPepper · 23/01/2023 13:55

I remember your first thread where you said this

I know the answer is to stop her looking after DD and use nursery for an extra day, but she'll be so angry and upset about it, and insistent that we don't want to see her etc

This, in spades, she now goes to nursery. She cannot provide the childcare you need, one where they actually listen to the parent of the child, so she goes to nursery. You are not wrecking the relationship, she is. She is completely unreasonable and way out of line. This is not her child, it is yours. Put her in nursery. She is telling you she will give her a dummy.

I stood my ground with PIL (mainly FIL) and it wasn't for childcare just had my son. They wouldn't back down and I stopped them having Ds without us being there. They have still had a relationship with my children but never alone when they were very young.

Cherrysoup · 23/01/2023 13:58

You tell her before she takes dd that there is to be no dummy. I can't believe she is AGAIN undermining your hard work on this. Remind her you are happy to put dd into nursery-well, get your dh to do so.

Krakenes · 23/01/2023 13:59

I think you’re just going to have to find alternative childcare. I see your point, I’d be the same, but if the grandmother can’t cope with the crying at least she’s being honest with you. Just wait until your child is completely over the dummy issue, then restart the childcare.

BendingSpoons · 23/01/2023 14:04

'She won't be able to look after DD without the option to give her a dummy'

That's fine, you totally understand. You'll book more nursery to make life easier for her.

SerafinasGoose · 23/01/2023 14:04

I read your original thread, and I don't think you're 'creating a drama'. If this is something you're being accused of, it's a phrase used toward many a woman (cf. 'hysteria') to undermine them when they take a stand on something.

You're doing the right thing in weaning your daughter off her dummy. It's really not good for children to have these beyond the first year. You've done sterling work so far. To put her on a back-footing now is confusing and potentially distressing for the child, not to mention a fast way of undoing all the good you've done.

You're not being neurotic, and are fine with the fact that sometimes different rules apply at Granny's (the chocolate and TV). For MiL to persist in giving her a dummy when you've clearly explained this situation is to force your hand. You have no option but to find alternative childcare if what she's providing goes against your decisions as a parent.

Your MiL is the one being strangely immovable on something that should be no big deal. She's thinking about what's best for Granny (peace and quiet) as opposed to what's best for your daughter. This is a line I wouldn't cross with my DC.

YANBU.

Calphurnia88 · 23/01/2023 16:23

The overwhelming consensus on your original thread was that YABU, but you need to put DD in nursery.

I think the latest exchange with MIL confirms that.

Calphurnia88 · 23/01/2023 16:24

*YANBU sorry!

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2023 16:27

She will have to go to nursery for another day then; let your dh explain it to mil

crosspusscrossstitcher · 23/01/2023 16:27

YABU to have not already put DD in nursery rather than letting MIL override you again.

QuertyGirl · 23/01/2023 16:29

What harm is it really doing compared with the benefits of a close relationship with her grandmother?

You say she's sleeping well at home without it so what's the problem?

I'd let it go

Calphurnia88 · 23/01/2023 16:44

QuertyGirl · 23/01/2023 16:29

What harm is it really doing compared with the benefits of a close relationship with her grandmother?

You say she's sleeping well at home without it so what's the problem?

I'd let it go

That's the point - she's finally sleeping well without a dummy at home, and neither parent wants MIL to undo progress by re-introducing a dummy at her house.

QuertyGirl · 23/01/2023 16:47

But progress has been made while she's been having a dummy at MIL house?

Slowingdownagain · 23/01/2023 16:50

'She won't be able to look after DD without the option to give her a dummy'

Whether you agree it's reasonable or not she's expressing she finds it too challenging to provide childcare without a dummy. That's fair enough. So you decide whether you want her to continue on that basis. If you say not, that's fair enough too. I wonder if the hesitation for you is the financial benefit that this arrangement has?

Calphurnia88 · 23/01/2023 17:46

QuertyGirl · 23/01/2023 16:47

But progress has been made while she's been having a dummy at MIL house?

I've assumed since MIL has DD once a week, that this was the first time OP has seen MIL since their last conversation about this.

I might be wrong!

Slimjimtobe · 23/01/2023 17:51

I think you should stick to your guns on this

you can say it in a nice way but keep the hard work up that you have put in or your daughter will not learn to do without it

StrawberryWater · 23/01/2023 17:54

Put her in nursery and stop ignoring advice.

SorryForTheRant · 23/01/2023 18:03

Exactly what most others have said - it's your prerogative to not want her to have one and stick to it, but if your MIL doesn't want to provide childcare without one then that is her prerogative.

You cannot force someone to bend to your wishes. She isn't being unreasonable to say she can't look after her without a dummy, it is on you to decide if you'd rather send your child to nursery or allow the dummy, and either one is fine.

I don't allow several things for my daughter but say to anyone looking after her they can do it their way - if I have a problem with that it's on me to look after her or sort an alternative

TimeToFlyNow · 23/01/2023 18:07

She really can't look after an almost 3 year old without the option of a dummy? She's being ridiculous.

EezyOozy · 23/01/2023 18:08

Most people on the previous thread suggested not using MiL for childcare . That is still the best solution.

yousmellnice · 23/01/2023 18:10

BendingSpoons · 23/01/2023 14:04

'She won't be able to look after DD without the option to give her a dummy'

That's fine, you totally understand. You'll book more nursery to make life easier for her.

This

Aquamarine1029 · 23/01/2023 18:11

You can't trust her to follow a very simple direction, so your child needs to be in nursery. It's not complicated.

RedHelenB · 23/01/2023 18:25

BendingSpoons · 23/01/2023 14:04

'She won't be able to look after DD without the option to give her a dummy'

That's fine, you totally understand. You'll book more nursery to make life easier for her.

This.

Leeds2 · 23/01/2023 18:32

Surely you put your daughter in nursery, and tell them that she isn't to be given a dummy there. If MIL is upset, tell her that you had no option as you can't trust her not to do something that you have expressly asked her not to.

Original poster
CatLoaf · 23/01/2023 18:55

Yeah, I didn't really need another thread did I 🙈 I think it was because DH came in so stressed following a long talk with MIL (after ignoring him for a week 🙄), and almost worn down to letting her do the dummy thing. He doesn't really want that, just a reaction. We'll all talk tomorrow just to be clear - and DD will be going to nursery for an extra day if MIL confirms she really means her dummy opinion

OP posts:
Original poster
CatLoaf · 23/01/2023 18:56

StrawberryWater · 23/01/2023 17:54

Put her in nursery and stop ignoring advice.

Don't be a dick?

OP posts: