MIL giving toddler a dummy...again

[CatLoaf]

I started a thread about this recently:
Here's the link, MIL gave DD a dummy after we got rid of them
Following the discussion between her and I after drop off, she got annoyed and told DH we hadn't communicated clearly with her. He apologised, then explained the situation properly (I was pissed off at him for not being clear! Although he says he described it all, just didn't expressly say, 'Please, no dummies at your house because it will be extremely confusing.')

Now she's saying she won't be able to look after DD without having the option of giving her a dummy- she can't bear to hear her cry. To note, DD is now going to sleep well without it at night, and sleeping through. Naps are dropping... she's 3 soon. I cannot have MIL doing this - we're supposed to be having a talk with her tomorrow, before she takes DD. Feel a bit all over the place tbh, as I don't want to wreck relationships, and starting to think is this a big deal after all? Am I creating a drama over dummies?? (I do not micromanage, she can let her have chocolate, watch telly, whatever... It's not like that.)
I hate this!

But surely it's got to the point now where you couldn't trust MiL even if she say's tomorrow that the dummies are all in the bin? I understand this is a relationship changing moment but I think it's already time for nursery completely over her.

A bit uncalled for...

Oh I don’t know. It was pretty snippy.

@CatLoaf, why have you called @StrawberryWater a dick for giving you sensible advice that many others are also saying?

Extra day at nursery. Nicely, you didn’t need to start another thread and you don’t need another convo with MIL because it’s just repeating yourself, again. She’s already told you more than once what she will do if DD gets upset so listen to her. Even if she says something different this time around I still don’t think you can trust her. Yes she’ll likely be annoyed but she’s the one who had said she can’t look after DD without the dummy so you’re just taking her at her word.

The thing is if you let this go op where will it end? Dd won't sleep without a bar of chocolate /won't bathe without a bag of Haribo /won't have her car seat belt fastened without a lolly..
Just smile and say its a shame she can't agree what you have decided is best for your own dc... You/dh will update her with regular photos of dd obviously so she won't miss her...
Do not be blackmailed op.

This is about more than the dummy, and I think you and your DH both know it.

My in-laws used to be like this too, especially with my DSD and DN. They wanted the kids at every school vacation. Lots of phone call drama and acted insulted if we chose a different childcare option instead. Especially my MIL, who did not have any hobbies or social life after retiring. MIL used to undermine us all the time, because "I can't stand to hear her cry".

It wasn't actually about the crying, at the time. It was about getting her way, and about demonstrating to my DH that she was still the one who knew best, she was still in charge.

It didn't stop until DH finally put his foot down about boundaries and insisted on being treated with respect.

Going to full time nursery with your kiddo because your MIL won't respect your wishes is how you and your DH can do that in your situation. Especially since your DH doesn't yet have the relationship with his mother where she'll listen to him and treat him like a fellow adult.

You're doing the right thing.

If it's more drama you guys are wary of dealing with once you inform her of the change... I had to learn the hard way to say this phrase calmly, but confidently:

"It's not up to you to decide, and it's not up for discussion."

And then actually stop discussing it, rather than get dragged into defending your reasons. That often looks like letting the person rant at you, and acting zen in their general direction.

Because StrawberryWater told me to stop ignoring advice, which I found annoying - I'm not ignoring advice.
I should have said 'Don't act like a dick?' of course....

Thanks, very helpful. Will attempt to appear zen!

To whoever said it again, I agree I probably didn't need to start another thread - but I think I wanted to hear that I wasn't being over the top about this. I was feeling a bit lost and stressed again, preparing for a discussion with MIL which will ne difficult, and end up with her not looking after DD anymore (they're really close). It's not easy, and sometimes it's good to sound things out I guess

It was pretty “called for” tbh

Just bear in mind that the grandparent relationship is different to parents.

It's ok for MIL to struggle with this element, because it's parenting not grand parenting.

She doesn't have to do it, dd can go to nursery until she is really through it. That's all it is.

There may be other times in future that MIL can't cope. And that's ok. You step in and manage it.