AIBU to want to know about DP finances?

purplepencilcase · 2023-01-23T10:10:41+00:00

But if perspective please ladies! We've been together for 16 years, three children, I'm completely financially independent in that I ask absolutely nothing of him, I pay for myself and the children, all school fees and childcare, sports, clubs, family car, family food etc he pays the modest mortgage and most (again modest) bills. He is self employed and about 2 months ago I went on his phone (in an attempt to help him!) and totted up his debts as he has a lot on credit cards. I was shocked to find that he owes about £40k on credit cards. He has locked me out of his phone since. I've never seen a bank statement of his after 16 years together. I have no idea really what his finances look like. We are not married and I have no plans to. AIBU to think it's normal to share financial information between long term partners? I'm just sad really that he doesn't think it's important that I have some reassurance that he's ok financially.

Coffeeandcrocs · 23/01/2023 10:12

This is not good OP, or normal.

How much does he earn? 40k is a huge amount of debt.

Shoxfordian · 23/01/2023 10:16

Yeah it’s not normal but then you’ve been together all this time without discussing finances or debts so it’s normal for your relationship

Be glad you’re not married; what’s he bringing to the party? You’re not a team

MickeyMouseShithouse · 23/01/2023 10:17

Yeah it’s weird, I’m not one for really wanting to know anything about DP’s finances as aslong as he’s paying for half the bills and I’m paying for half the bills then I don’t care where the rest of his money goes. We have no debt (except mortgage) and are comfortable so I’ve never needed to worry.

but I’m this situation I absolutely would want to know exactly where it’s going, as 40k of debt is worrying in itself.

also.. he needs to contribute more towards the household finances.

you have 4 DC, one just lives in the body of an adult.

MaverickGooseGoose · 23/01/2023 10:17

Who owns the house?

Naunet · 23/01/2023 10:17

Madness. How do you know he’s paying a fair share of the bills and not ripping you off, if you have no idea about his finances? Is the house in your name too?

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/01/2023 10:19

Sixteen years and three DC down the line seems a bit late to be having this discussion. Most people agree what insight they’ll have into each other’s finances when they first start living together. What was said all the way back then? How was the split of bills originally agreed? Did you never discuss what sort of lifestyle was affordable for you both?

Normal is what works for you, and your set up clearly isn’t working. DH and I have entirely separate finances and we don’t know, except in very broad terms, how much money the other has, what it’s spent on, or where it’s kept. But we met in our 30s/40s when we were both already established financially, and we don’t have and aren’t planning DC. You’re a family and as such there needs to be a joint element to your finances.

Original poster

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:23

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/01/2023 10:19

Sixteen years and three DC down the line seems a bit late to be having this discussion. Most people agree what insight they’ll have into each other’s finances when they first start living together. What was said all the way back then? How was the split of bills originally agreed? Did you never discuss what sort of lifestyle was affordable for you both?

Normal is what works for you, and your set up clearly isn’t working. DH and I have entirely separate finances and we don’t know, except in very broad terms, how much money the other has, what it’s spent on, or where it’s kept. But we met in our 30s/40s when we were both already established financially, and we don’t have and aren’t planning DC. You’re a family and as such there needs to be a joint element to your finances.

It's been a continual, albeit one sided discussion. I raise the subject and the shutters come down.

As I said, I've worked bloody hard to make sure I am completely financially independent.

It's horrible.

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 10:24

I'm completely financially independent in that I ask absolutely nothing of him, I pay for myself and the children, all school fees and childcare, sports, clubs, family car, family food etc he pays the modest mortgage and most (again modest) bills.

What do you mean - he pays the mortgage? Is he the sole mortgagee, are you even on the deeds?

If not, you are paying a very high price for being independent.
You seem to be paying the lion's share while he contributes nothing to the cost of raising 2 children. Yet if he is the sole houseowner, he's getting all the benefit of an appreciating asset while you have no security.

His debts are not your problem - your problem is that he is shafting you financially. Given how cagey he is now being, please make sure his debts do not become your problem - check your own credit score, close any joint accounts.

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 10:25

THREE children - sorry!

Original poster

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:25

MaverickGooseGoose · 23/01/2023 10:17

Who owns the house?

Renting.

He couldn't get a mortgage.

I have enough to buy a good house outright in savings (100% in my name of course).

He has absolutely no plans to get into a position where he could get a mortgage.

I've been looking to buy a family home for us but feel aggrieved that I have to do it with zero help from him.

OP posts:

Original poster

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:26

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 10:24

I'm completely financially independent in that I ask absolutely nothing of him, I pay for myself and the children, all school fees and childcare, sports, clubs, family car, family food etc he pays the modest mortgage and most (again modest) bills.

What do you mean - he pays the mortgage? Is he the sole mortgagee, are you even on the deeds?

If not, you are paying a very high price for being independent.
You seem to be paying the lion's share while he contributes nothing to the cost of raising 2 children. Yet if he is the sole houseowner, he's getting all the benefit of an appreciating asset while you have no security.

His debts are not your problem - your problem is that he is shafting you financially. Given how cagey he is now being, please make sure his debts do not become your problem - check your own credit score, close any joint accounts.

Sorry- I put mortgage because I didn't want to be outed. We actually rent..

OP posts:

Naunet · 23/01/2023 10:27

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:25

Renting.

He couldn't get a mortgage.

I have enough to buy a good house outright in savings (100% in my name of course).

He has absolutely no plans to get into a position where he could get a mortgage.

I've been looking to buy a family home for us but feel aggrieved that I have to do it with zero help from him.

Show quote history

If you do, don’t you dare out any of it in his name!

butterfliedtwo · 23/01/2023 10:27

Wtf is he not contributing to THREE children? I honestly think you're a mug.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 23/01/2023 10:29

3 options imo.
Gambling
Drugs
Cms for dc you don't know about.
My ndn had a big birthday party. Whilst drunk she told me her dh's Cms was crippling them financially..
They had been married 20 years...

KettrickenSmiled · 23/01/2023 10:29

I've been looking to buy a family home for us but feel aggrieved that I have to do it with zero help from him.

Oh OP.
You can reframe that feeling into relief that you don't have to enmesh finances with him.

Buy your house, in your name only, continue with him or not - but never, ever put his name on any bills, & do regular checks against your own credit scores.

Original poster

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:29

I should add, the debts are solely from his business not making enough money. Not through lavish spending of any kind (I buy his clothes even, purely for selfish reasons as he'd look like a tramp if I didn't! Nothing special, just functional normal clothes..)

OP posts:

Naunet · 23/01/2023 10:30

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:29

I should add, the debts are solely from his business not making enough money. Not through lavish spending of any kind (I buy his clothes even, purely for selfish reasons as he'd look like a tramp if I didn't! Nothing special, just functional normal clothes..)

Stop bank rolling him when he won’t even talk about finances with you!

monsteramunch · 23/01/2023 10:32

When you have tried to talk to him over the years, he shuts you down and refuses. That isn't a healthy dynamic in any relationship, regardless of the topic - money, sex, anything.

Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Original poster

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:34

Eastereggsboxedupready · 23/01/2023 10:29

3 options imo.
Gambling
Drugs
Cms for dc you don't know about.
My ndn had a big birthday party. Whilst drunk she told me her dh's Cms was crippling them financially..
They had been married 20 years...

None of these, not that exciting. He's a farmer and they work 24/7 and make next to no money.

OP posts:

Paq · 23/01/2023 10:35

When you buy a home for the family just leave him behind.

Remember if he's got debts at this age he'll have no pension when you both get to retirement age, so you'll be supporting him until you die!

LemonTT · 23/01/2023 10:35

What issue(s) are you bothered about? The post doesn’t demonstrate whether contribution is equal or not. Rent plus household bills isn’t a small contribution these days. The post doesn’t make clear whether you pay more or he does.

Anyway the fact you have three children means you need to jointly plan. You aren’t and haven’t. You cannot buy a home with him.

Autumn54 · 23/01/2023 10:36

This all seems a bit of a red flag to me. You pay for everything and he pays for rent? Is the rental agreement in his name only or yours too? Why won't he talk about it? Is he embarrassed?

KangarooKenny · 23/01/2023 10:39

If I were you I’d be buying a house for you and your kids, and for the future.
I would never marry or stay with a man who thinks it’s ok to put his penis in you for 16 years, but not discuss joint finances.

Original poster

purplepencilcase · 23/01/2023 10:44

His point of view is that our lifestyle is MY choice, and if I want it, I need to pay for it. We'd be on the breadline otherwise and I genuinely think he'd be ok with that, his parents were quite poor.

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 23/01/2023 10:45

When you have tried to talk to him over the years, he shuts you down and refuses. That isn't a healthy dynamic in any relationship, regardless of the topic - money, sex, anything.

Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?