AIBU to want to know about DP finances?

[purplepencilcase]

But if perspective please ladies!

We've been together for 16 years, three children, I'm completely financially independent in that I ask absolutely nothing of him, I pay for myself and the children, all school fees and childcare, sports, clubs, family car, family food etc he pays the modest mortgage and most (again modest) bills.

He is self employed and about 2 months ago I went on his phone (in an attempt to help him!) and totted up his debts as he has a lot on credit cards. I was shocked to find that he owes about £40k on credit cards.

He has locked me out of his phone since.

I've never seen a bank statement of his after 16 years together. I have no idea really what his finances look like.

We are not married and I have no plans to.

AIBU to think it's normal to share financial information between long term partners?

I'm just sad really that he doesn't think it's important that I have some reassurance that he's ok financially.

It sounds very frustrating, running up debt is the sort of thing that needs discussion because it becomes a household matter. I'd sit down and explain that you two need a long-term plan, and you're there to help not criticise, but there may be compromises so that as a family you have security.

Is he claiming all the subsidies available to him? Basic Payment Scheme, Farming Investment Scheme, Countryside Stewardship etc? Can he change the type of farming to something with higher income or subsidies? What if you bought a farm so you own the house and land but he can farm it, getting income at least from Countryside Stewardship etc?

He's not your partner. Thank god he's not your husband.

Your plans and lives don't seem to align.

Do you actually even like him? Do you want to spend you life with him?

But there have been posts on here from women who have run up secret debts due to their higher earning partner not sharing money with them. They are always told it was not their fault, it was their partners.

i though higher earning partners should “prop up” lower earning ones? Why is that not the case here. It sounds like the partner works very hard, does not spend on themselves, and is in debt due to “paying their share”

@FloydPepper in this case it's the opposite, the lower earner driving the secrecy. It's probably better to focus on supporting the OP than checking on any equity across various mumsnet threads.

I pay for myself and the children, all school fees and childcare, sports, clubs, family car, family food etc he pays the modest mortgage and most (again modest) bills.

Your DP is a low earner, why is he paying the lions share of the essentials?

From your OP, DH pays rent and bills, all essential. You pay for childcare, car and food which are essential. The rest is your lifestyle choice. It sounds like as a family you can't actually afford the lifestyle choices you are making, if he is running up debt to pay for rent and bills.

You need to sit down together and work out the costs of the essentials, and split it proportionately to what you earn. What's left can be spent on the luxuries, and if there isn't enough then you need to cut back.

A misalignment of your finances isn't a problem, if you're both open about where you are financially and work together as a team to raise your family. Sounds like you have enough money together to do that. He just needs to be more open and trusting with you, and not feel affronted if you're in the fortunate position of earning enough to be the main breadwinner and can afford to buy the family a home.